CHAPTER TEN: THE CASE OF THE WELL-EARNED HOLIDAY
(SOUND: A phonograph starting. Fuzzy, recorded, being replayed on the phonograph, we hear a snippet of the confrontation from episode 9:)
FAWX
(recorded)
Wonderful thing, recording devices. My partner, James, managed to invest early after he got hit by a city carriage in this very handy thing called a wax cylinder. They say it’s going to revolutionise the way we get information–no need to write anything down, you can hear it directly from the source.
CRIMERIA
(recorded)
Oh right, and where would this hypothetical wax cylinder even live? Your bodice? Mr. Stallion’s hand me down ascot?
STALLION
(recorded)
That was a gift!
FAWX
(recorded)
No. You see, here’s another thing I learned this weekend, from my other partner, Madge: you can hide a lot in a lady’s bustle. Priceless jewels, a stick of chewing gum…A full confession from Jonathan Crimeria himself.
(Over the dramatic pause from the episode, the phonograph still playing, the theme music creeping in:)
HOLMES
Fascinating.
(Into:)
CREDITS (HOLMES)
Fawx and Stallion, by Ian Geers and Lauren Grace Thompson. Chapter 10: The Case of the Well-Earned–
(Abruptly, cutting off his last word and the music, the door of 221B Baker Street SLAMS open. John WATSON, carrying far too many suitcases and still quite out of breath, makes his way in. Sherlock HOLMES sits at his desk with the phonograph, which continues to play the confrontation from 9 faintly over the next line.)
WATSON
(struggling)
Oh no no no, don’t worry about me, everyone! I’m fine, I’ll just get…all the bags, shall I?
HOLMES
Sorry, did you need help with those?
(SOUND: HOLMES brings the phonograph to a stop. WATSON sets the bags down heavily.)
WATSON
Did you know there are seventeen steps up to our flat? Because I certainly do now—Holmes. What is [that on the table]-
HOLMES
Well, 16 steps if you’re not counting the initial half step.
WATSON
Holmes…
HOLMES
Which I don’t.
WATSON
Are we doing that thing–
HOLMES
Additionally, if you take into account the broken 6th step–
WATSON
(over him)
-where I make a facetious comment–
HOLMES
–could we really consider that 17 functional steps?
WATSON
–and you make it exhaustingly literal?
HOLMES
Well, you are a doctor, wouldn’t you say being exact is paramount for the job?
WATSON
Well, I would have said so, but I appear to have been demoted to the valet while I wasn’t paying attention.
(Beat. They’ve done this a lot.)
HOLMES
I will assist with the bags next time. Better?
WATSON
I’ll believe it when I see it. Now. What is that on our dining room table?
HOLMES
I’m so happy you asked. Rather fascinating, actually. This little roly-pole is something called a phonograph–I’ve been exploring the quality of the recorded voice while I was waiting for you to finish–
(WATSON makes a “think about the end of that sentence very carefully” sound)
–very kindly and industriously bringing the bags up. One of the advertisers from The Standard sent it over after hearing about its involvement in the Fletchley Case, more than likely hoping you’ll mention it in one of your little stories they’re so fond of.
WATSON
Eugh. Hounds, the lot of them.
HOLMES
They did also send champagne.
WATSON
There may be hope for them yet...
HOLMES
If the note is to be believed, they thought we were on holiday.
(WATSON crosses to his desk, picks up the champagne, and with it, the note)
WATSON
“We hope your holiday was restful, zestful, and ultimately unmolestful. Now time to pop this ‘pagne for our favorite detective team’s return!” Zestful?
HOLMES
(‘that’s not the right word’)
“Unmolestful”?
WATSON
God, “on holiday?” In Dartmoor? Shudder to think. Oh well, I suppose it is time to ‘pop this ‘pagne’ as the note says - you know how I am about following rhymed orders on cardstock. Flute for you?
HOLMES
What’s the region?
WATSON
(checking)
Uhh… Champagne.
HOLMES
I’m fine.
WATSON
Suit yourself. By the by, I saw someone pop into 224 on my way up. Looked like a client.
HOLMES
Oh, yes. Poor man believes he’s being haunted.
WATSON
Really. How can you tell?
HOLMES
I hoped you’d be able to answer that for yourself.
WATSON
Right. Well, ignoring that this is clearly a trap...Mismatched tie and suit, hat un-accentedly popped, constant looking over his shoulder, sign of the cross three times by my count. So…religious, paranoid, doesn’t even feel safe on a crowded London street. Hence…followed by a ghost?
(Beat. With a smile:)
Was that just…remarkably bad?
(HOLMES considers for a moment. Attempts to be polite:)
HOLMES
No.
(Fails at being polite)
I mean, objectively, incorrect. But objective reality can be counterbalanced by a certain…artistic reality, of which you are certainly well-versed. Besides, I am growing quite fascinated with your thinking face. You are aware that eyebrow gesticulation has shown no correspondence with deductive–
WATSON
(realizing he’s being teased, laughing it off)
Yeah, yeah, I see how it is. Relegated to the “aspiring pupil” once again.
HOLMES
Would you prefer “friendly biographer” or “brother in arms”? You can take your pick from the Standard, there’s a new one every day.
(HOLMES starts flipping through the paper, WATSON stops him)
WATSON
You know what, I’ll take any improvement on “valet,” if I’m honest.
(A pause, a “let’s get to work” deep breath, and then:)
Well, do you think we should…[go over]?
HOLMES
Perhaps...
WATSON
If needs must...
(They consider. Neither as excited as they thought he’d be at the prospect. A thought:)
HOLMES
However, The Standard does seem to believe that we’re owed a holiday…
(This is a truly baffling thing for HOLMES to have said. They both recognize it.)
WATSON
Are you saying you. Actually want. A holiday?
HOLMES
I mean… I’m not…not…open to the idea.
WATSON
Alright…
HOLMES
You might even say I was…favorable to it.
(A beat. WATSON realizes he’s telling the truth.)
WATSON
Right. Actually. Love that.
HOLMES
Oh. Excellent! So. Holiday.
WATSON
Holiday.
HOLMES
Holiday!
WATSON
221: off the clock.
HOLMES
Closed for business.
WATSON
Unavailable.
HOLMES
Promised elsewhere!
WATSON
Holiday mode: Engaged.
HOLMES
Indeed!
(Beat. They both just sort of sit there, considering)
So… What exactly does one do on holiday?
WATSON
Haven’t the foggiest.
(Beat. Both of them at a loss. Finally, a brain blast:)
Oh! Marriage of Figaro is still playing at the Warehouse!
HOLMES
Oh my–Yes. I love an oedipal comedy.
WATSON
Matinee. Out by 5. Salmon for dinner, nightcap, bed by eight.
HOLMES
My dear Watson, you may be a genius.
WATSON
Valet to genius in…what was that, a minute?
HOLMES
Four! What shall you do next?
(WATSON pops the champagne.)
WATSON
Well, first, I believe a toast is in order.
HOLMES
Then I believe I will take a flute. And you may fill that flute with… champagne. From Champagne.
WATSON
Very daring of you.
(WATSON pours them glasses)
So. To…holidays?
HOLMES
To holidays. And to the considerate neighbors who give them to us.
WATSON/HOLMES
To neighbors.
(Cheers)
CREDITS
Fawx and Stallion is written and directed by Ian Geers and Lauren Grace Thompson. This episode was sound designed by Newt Schottelkotte and original music was composed by Baldemar. This episode featured Robert Kauzlaric as Sherlock Holmes and Tom Crowley as John Watson. Find us on Twitter, Instagram, and Tumblr @224BBaker, or on our website, 224bbaker.com. Fawx, Stallion (and Stallion), (and Holmes), (and Watson), will all return in season 2 after a well-earned holiday.