CHAPTER THREE: THE CASE OF THE TICKING CLOCK
(SCENE: INT. 224B Baker St. Friday Afternoon. Directly after the events of Part Two.)
FAWX
Well, what are we waiting for? - And I can’t believe I actually get to say this - We’ve got a mystery to solve!
(Beat.)
God, that felt good!
MADGE
So dicks, what's the rest of the day look like, cuz there’s a cheese monger down at Borough who’s been avoiding me and I plan to make his life a living hell if I can’t get my stilton for the week.
FAWX
Madge, we don’t have time for your dairy schemes today, we’ve got a mystery to solve!
STALLION
Indeed we do!
(SOUND: STALLION stands, sets his drink on the counter)
And with that, I’m off!
FAWX
I’m sorry, you’re what?
MADGE
Why did no one mention they had to leave so soon?
(STALLION gets his coat and heads to the door.)
FAWX
What do you mean ‘you’re off’? James, we have a case to solve!
STALLION
Yes, we do, however I have a matinee to get to, and I’m sorry to say but it’s been on the books significantly longer than the case you just picked up.
MADGE
Oh, is it? Tell Archie, I said hello.
FAWX
But - no, that doesn’t make any sense. Your matinee isn’t until Friday.
STALLION/MADGE
It is Friday.
FAWX
Well, who even goes to matinees on Fridays?
STALLION
Rich people with nothing better to do, mostly.
FAWX
But we do have something better to do! Sarah’s trusting us! We only have four –
MADGE
Three.
FAWX
Three days until Holmes and Watson get back and we need to not only discover the who, but also the why, when, where, and how!
MADGE
But thankfully not the What. No need to find the jewels, so that’s a bit of a leg up.
FAWX
No, but if we can, that’d be a great bonus for Sarah. A bonus we absolutely can achieve with the two greatest detective minds on Baker Street–
MADGE
–currently–
FAWX
The two greatest detective minds currently on Baker Street, sure! James, we need you.
STALLION
I understand, Hampton. Really, truly I do, which is why I’m going to leave you with the best of my conjecture. Based on the details in Sarah’s story and my working knowledge of the London Elite, I think it stands to reason that the Crimeria Family Jewels were stolen… from the Crimeria Estate. There’s your “where,” that’s one-fifth of the mystery to me!
FAWX
Wha -
MADGE
What’s the matinee?
STALLION
Marriage of Figaro at the Warehouse.
MADGE
Fun…
STALLION
A bit Oedipal for me, but Archie loves his farces. And if I play my cards right he’ll be moustache-free by the end of the night.
MADGE
Oof, godspeed. That thing looks like four raisins tryin’ to escape a bowl of porridge.
STALLION
Exactly! Hampton complimented it earlier.
MADGE
This is why I have a hard time accepting compliments.
FAWX
But we only have 3 days!
STALLION
And the fact that some of them happen to fall on the weekend is earth-shatteringly unfortunate. I’ll join you for whatever snooping you want to do tomorrow, preferably between … oh, let’s say 11 and 3-
FAWX
But that’s only one-sixth. Of one of the days.
STALLION
Well, since you don’t want to “Take advantage of the weekend” as I like to say, then fine. Because I love you, because I know how much this means for us, and because I’m sure my own cooking will have me up by then anyway, I will see you at 9am tomorrow because you and I, detective, are going to catch a Jewel Thief. Huzzah! I believe in us. Ta ta!
(SOUND: STALLION leaves. The door opens and closes.)
MADGE
So… does this mean we can go harass this cheesemonger, now?
CREDITS
FAWX
Well… ok, looks like it’s just you and me, Madge. What literature do we have on London’s Richest Families?
MADGE
Right… I’ll get the Dickens.
(SOUND: A knock on the door. FAWX yelps.)
Jesus Christ, what now…
FAWX
Do you think whoever framed Eliza Fletchley knows we’re on the case? Oh god, Hampton, it’s like your mother used to say, keep your excitement to yourself.
(SOUND: MADGE opens the door. A newspaper flies at her and hits squarely above her shoulder. The NEWSBOY who threw it is biking away.)
NEWSBOY
(from a distance)
Evening edition, ma’am!
MADGE
Oy! What have I told you about pelting shit at my door! The paint’s starting to chip!
NEWSBOY
(from a greater distance)
Sorry, Ma’am!
MADGE
(to herself)
Little urchin.
(SOUND: MADGE closes the door.)
FAWX
Is that The Times?
MADGE
Nah, The Standard.
FAWX
Ahh, rubbish then.
MADGE
I don’t know, Hampton, you may wanna take a look at the front page.
(SOUND: Newspaper shuffling.)
FAWX
“Chambermaid Caught in Crimeria Case Causing Cruel Jewel Caper.” Dammit, Madge, it’s made the press! And with inconsistent alliteration!
MADGE
Did you think it wouldn’t?
FAWX
We can’t be stuck here leafing through census charts and mediocre literature now that it’s citywide news! We need to be on the streets. Boots on the ground. Climbing over fences. True Detective activities.
MADGE
Right, but it’s not like we should just go bang on the doors of the Crimeria Estate tonight, demanding information on a case they think is closed….
FAWX
Why not, Madge. I say, why not! I’ll get our coats.
(SOUND: FAWX runs out of the room excitedly.)
MADGE
I haven’t been to a matinee in ages. Lucky bastard.
(SCENE: INT. ARCHIE’s flat. Evening.)
(TRANSITION MUSIC: Some Victorian R&B, only vaguely of the time period.)
(SOUND: Salmon searing a pan, a glass of champagne getting poured. STALLION takes a taste.
STALLION
Excellent work, James. Thank you, James. Cheers.
(SOUND: ARCHIE descending the stairs. He stops at the bottom.)
ARCHIE
Look at this, a Friday matinee and my partner searing salmon bareback without even the slightest concern of getting showered with ripping hot butter. Happy day.
STALLION
You know you really don’t deserve this.
ARCHIE
I never said I did.
STALLION
And I’ll have you know I have cooked shirtless more times than I’ve read a good novel in the last year. The butter obeys.
(SOUND: Some butter spatters from the pan and hits STALLION.)
Ahh! Shit!
(Beat. Standoff moment.)
ARCHIE
Oh was that…was that the butter obeying?
STALLION
… Yes. It appears I’ve been basted.
ARCHIE
You should get a shirt -
STALLION
–I’m going to get a shirt. Would you mind watching the…
ARCHIE
Not at all.
(TRANSITION MUSIC: A harpsichord sting.)
(SCENE: EXT. The CRIMERIA Estate. Later that night.)
(SOUND: The wind blows through the trees. FAWX and MADGE approach the front door, FAWX stops MADGE abruptly before she knocks)
FAWX
(whispering)
Madge, Madge. This is the estate..
MADGE
Why are you whispering?
FAWX
(whispering)
Shh! To keep a low profile. Do we need to go over our plan of attack?
MADGE
Are you serious? We had this whole walk.
FAWX
(whispering)
I’m thinking maybe “I’m the son of someone in the House of Lords and you’re my faithful wife.” what do you think?
MADGE
Why am I faithful?
FAWX
Because we’re married.
MADGE
Yeah, but I actually am married and I’m not faithful to my husband.
FAWX
Hmm, fair point. Alright. Pivot. How about you’re having an affair. I don’t know about it but I’ve got my suspicions.
MADGE
Yes, perhaps you found a note in lady’s writing in my clasp! And you know it can’t be from me.
FAWX
Well you don’t like poetry.
MADGE
Not since my father, a former poet, left me and my five brothers and sisters for life in the big city.
MADGE/FAWX
(brain blast)
Which is why I married you!/Which is why you married me!
FAWX
You thought marrying up would afford you the resources needed to find your father again. Aww.
MADGE
Right, but I don’t think I know that yet. I just act out in horrible ways, not knowing why.
FAWX/MADGE
Hence the affair!
MADGE
But the poetry on the note from my mistress is making me think: is this worth it? Is she worth stepping out on my marriage for?
FAWX
And I’m planning on confronting you tonight, once we get home. Because I was stepped out on once before, and I made a promise to myself that it would never happen again.
MADGE
And the person who stepped out on you…
FAWX
Is the woman you’re stepping out on me with now!
MADGE
Yeah… Nancy.
FAWX
Nancy Braxton.
MADGE
The tart.
FAWX
Yes. I feel good about this. Alright. Ready?
MADGE
As I’m gonna be.
(SOUND: FAWX knocks. It’s probably quite enthusiastic.)
FAWX
(borderline gleeful)
I’m nervous!
MADGE
I know, it’s exciting to feel something, innit?
(SOUND: The front door opens. KATE, a maid, answers.)
KATE
Hello, welcome to the Crimeria Estate, where all your dreams are just–
FAWX
(probably doing a voice)
Hello, Miss! Thank you for that lovely greeting. My wife and I were wondering if we might speak to the proprietor of the estate?
(Audible eye roll from KATE. She yells into the estate:)
KATE
Miss Sazarac! The evening solicitors are here again.
(SOUND: Brisk footsteps from the hall. SAZARAC pops her head out.)
SAZARAC
Yes? Who is it? What do you want?
(Silence.)
Let’s try this again knowing my questions aren’t rhetorical. Hello. This is the Crimeria Estate. Do you have the correct address?
(Beat.)
FAWX
Yes. Yes, my wife… and I do have the correct address. We… If I can level with you for a moment. We’re not in the best place. Maritally. It’s been… I tell you, it has been quite hard.
SAZARAC
So… how can I help you?
FAWX
Are you married?
SAZARAC
No.
FAWX
Well, perhaps you’ve avoided the turret spray then.
SAZARAC
Perhaps, indeed. So… how -
FAWX
I just don’t understand why she doesn’t love me anymore -
MADGE
Oh, here he goes!
FAWX
I’m just trying to speak my case, you’re the one always saying I need more friends.
MADGE
To get you out of the house! Jesus, if he’s not eating in the breakfast nook, he’s sitting in a wingtip by the fire. It’s depressing.
FAWX
Maybe I just want you to ask “What’s wrong?”
MADGE
Maybe I didn’t get into a marriage to play games!
FAWX
Oh yeah? Then why did you get into this marriage?!
MADGE
To… love!
SAZARAC
Ok, ok, ok. Stop!
(Beat.)
What exactly can I, or the Crimeria Estate, do for you? Because we are definitely not a counselling centre, as much as I would like us to be.
FAWX
Right… right. Well then… Can we come inside?
SAZARAC
No!
(SOUND: SAZARAC slams the door. Beat.)
FAWX
Well, ok! Thank you for your time. Come, dear.
(SOUND: FAWX and MADGE begin to walk away. The door opens again.)
SAZARAC
And don’t you dare try to come to any of our Open Houses tomorrow at 9am. I know your faces now!
(SOUND: SAZARAC slams the door again. Beat.)
FAWX
Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
MADGE
That if she actually didn’t want us to come to the Open House she wouldn’t have included all of those specific details?
FAWX
Yes, and… we’ll need some disguises.
(TRANSITIONAL MUSIC: Victorian R&B.)
(SCENE: INT. ARCHIE’s flat. Later that night.)
(SOUND: Silverware polishing off the last morsels of food on the plates.)
(STALLION and ARCHIE finish up dinner. Satisfied. The evening is going swimmingly so far.)
ARCHIE
Mm. Mmm, mmm, mmmm. Can I just say, I am so glad we had sex before dinner.
STALLION
Well I know how you “inspectors” like to turn in early.
ARCHIE
What time is it?
STALLION
9 o’clock.
ARCHIE
(sighs)
Perfect night.
STALLION
I’d like to say I think I cooked the shit out of that salmon..
ARCHIE
Oh, absolutely. There was an excellent fishy-ness in it tonight I’m not sure you’ve ever attained before..
STALLION
Facetiousness is not your strong suit, Inspector.
ARCHIE
You know, you’re not the first person to point that out in the last couple days.
STALLION
Well whoever that is, tell them they’re in good company. Is this your way of saying the other inspectors aren’t enjoying your sparkling sense of humour on your first big week of investigation?
ARCHIE
Uh…well, no. But I suspect I’ll win them over before the decade is out.
STALLION
You haven’t told me what the case is, by the way. Anything exciting?
ARCHIE
Oh yes, The Case of the 8 Hour Sleep, a twisted tale of mental and physical exhaustion -
STALLION
No, the real one, come on.
ARCHIE
Is this a “This night is about you, so I’m feigning interest because it’s the polite thing to do” thing or an “I bet I can solve your case over the dinner table like Holmes & Watson” thing?
STALLION
I don’t do that.
ARCHIE
Well you haven’t solved one yet, but it’s very cute when you try.
(A beat. STALLION didn’t find that funny)
STALLION
(lightly, but hiding a bit of hurt)
Well, I think that’s a bit unfair.
ARCHIE
Oh god, no, James I didn’t actually mean–I’m ribbing you, I don’t -
(STALLION tries not to take it personally, fails)
STALLION
Yes, no, obviously. I know you’re joking.
(A beat, awkward)
(TRANSITIONAL MUSIC: Mischievous Detective theme)
(SCENE: INT. 224b Baker Street. Same time.)
(SOUND: FAWX is leafing through books and papers, standing at his desk.)
FAWX
Ok, so, Madge, what did we learn?
MADGE
Always have a reason for your characters to be where they are.
FAWX
Yes! Exactly. Anything else?
MADGE
The Crimeria Estate doesn’t give a shite about marital strife.
FAWX
Exactly. They’re cold, calculating. A formidable adversary.
(SOUND: MADGE pouring a tall drink for FAWX and herself.)
MADGE
And that the house will be open to guests tomorrow.
FAWX
Yes! What do you suppose that’s about?
MADGE
I don’t know. Weekend thing, maybe? Cheers.
FAWX
Cheers. So… Jonathan Crimeria. In a way London’s very own Miss Havisham. Miss Havisham is rich, yes?
MADGE
She lives in a bloody mansion. Next question.
FAWX
Now, we don’t want to profile, Madge. Not all mansion-owners are wealthy, just like not all apartment-renters are poor.
MADGE
I’m poor.
FAWX
Right.
MADGE
You’re poor.
FAWX
Right.
MADGE
James is rich.
FAWX
And rich James is the one who rents our poor flat. You’ve proven my point. Ha!
(SOUND: They cheers, drink.)
MADGE
Another? I’m doing another.
(SOUND: MADGE pours another drink for them.)
FAWX
Yes, thank you, Madge. This is going to be a long night.
(trying not to be passive aggressive, failing:)
For just the two of us.
(TRANSITIONAL MUSIC: The Victorian R&B has taken a distinctly more passive aggressive turn)
(SCENE: INT. ARCHIE’s flat.)
(SOUND: STALLION finishes doing the dishes. Passive-aggressively. If this won’t read particularly well in audio, perhaps ARCHIE is getting ready for bed or something similar)
STALLION
… Now, if it wasn’t due to my accurate criticism of the smokey eye on Lady Hastings at the Governor’s Ball, you never would’ve busted that unlicensed escort service so… that’s what, eight that I’ve solved?
ARCHIE
If we’re keeping an accurate count, that’s five you’ve assisted on, mainly through pithy comments and mescaline logic, and three I’m fairly certain you just made up. I’m not sure that makes you an untouchably journeyed detective
STALLION
Sorry, let me just check: what is it that you think Hampton and I do all day?
ARCHIE
A… mixture of physical training and drinking, I assume?
STALLION
Well that’s not what we did today!
ARCHIE
Alright, what did you do today?
(Beat.)
STALLION
Well, now I don’t want to tell you.
ARCHIE
Why not?
STALLION
(begrudging)
Because…maybe for a portion of the day… you were right.
ARCHIE
Oh, God forbid I have a correct deduction from time to time!
STALLION
But! Then, I’ll have you know, we got a case.
ARCHIE
(a change of gear, actually pretty supportive)
Wait, you did?
STALLION
Yes, we did. A real one. A real girl came into my real flat and dropped in our laps a real juicy bucket of mystery.
ARCHIE
Why didn’t you mention it before?
STALLION
Well, the intention was there after the matinee and the sex and the apparently terrible dinner–
ARCHIE
“Fishy” doesn’t mean bad–
STALLION
Doesn’t it?
ARCHIE
Alright. I love you. I am sorry for…insulting your cooking and…whatever else I said. Why don’t you run the case by me? Maybe another set of ears will help.
STALLION
Aww, that’s very sweet, Archibald, but I don’t really need your help, actually. Hampton, Madge, and I will be able to get along just fine. In fact, they’re on the case right now. Because we’re on a ticking clock! And I’m sure they’re uncovering quite the conspiracy.
(SCENE: INT. 224B Baker Street.)
MADGE
(o.s.)
Oh fucking hell!
FAWX
Yes! What is it, Madge? What did you find?!
(SOUND: MADGE comes storming into the room holding a half-drunk bottle of wine.)
MADGE
It’s turned! The bottle of Chateau D’Amour that Martha got me for our first anniversary. It’s gone to shit…
FAWX
Good god, woman, I thought you’d found a clue.
MADGE
The last physical gift that woman ever gave me turned sour before I even had time to enjoy it. I’d say I got more than a clue, I got a fuckin’ sign from god.
(SOUND: She takes a swig. She wretches.)
Try this, it’s just terrible.
FAWX
What? No, Madge, tonight is not about wine or whine-ing. Tonight is about focus. Intense focus. Just like Holmes does. We can’t go to Sarah empty handed. Now come on, I need you here.
MADGE
Yeah? Well I’ve pretty well convinced myself I’m dumped, so I need to take a night for me and get drunk.
(SOUND: She takes another swig.)
Gah, it’s so bad, you’ve got to try it.
FAWX
No, come on now. You can’t think that way. You’re a strong, worthwhile... personable woman.
(Beat.)
MADGE
The third word you’d use to describe me is “personable”?
FAWX
…no?
MADGE
Right, I’m gonna go walk into the Thames, thanks for nothing.
FAWX
I’m being honest! This is what friends do, yes? I mean, I was the best man at your and James’s sham wedding!
MADGE
No, Archie was the best man at my sham wedding.
FAWX
Well, that doesn’t count.
MADGE
Why wouldn’t it count?
FAWX
Everyone knows that when you have a sham wedding so you can live in domestic partnership with your titled best man, the actual best man is the next highest ranking member of the wedding party that you’re not sleeping with. Ha!
MADGE
I think in that case, technically I was the best man.
FAWX
Damn…. Alright, fine! You can feel sorry for yourself.
MADGE
I know and I will!
FAWX
But! Just for tonight!
MADGE
Ugh.
FAWX
Madge…
MADGE
I know you’re right, I just hate it.
FAWX
And I’m sorry. Now. Can you help me scour the bookcases?
MADGE
First you’ve gotta try the wine.
FAWX
You’ve just been shouting about how bad it is.
MADGE
I know. It’ll make me feel better.
(Beat. A standoff.)
(SOUND: FAWX takes the bottle and takes a swig. He wretches.)
Right?
FAWX
Oh my god!
MADGE
It’s bad.
FAWX
Why is there a crunch? Does it taste like there’s a crunch?
MADGE
Ask Martha. Now, what are we looking for?
(FAWX shakes it off.)
FAWX
Clues, Madge. We’re looking for something... that points us in the direction… of clues.
(SOUND: MADGE takes a swig. She wretches.)
(SCENE: INT. The CARTWRIGHT flat. This has been going on for awhile.)
ARCHIE
James, just stop this and tell me!
STALLION
I can’t! There’s such a thing as detective confidentiality.
ARCHIE
I know for a fact that is not a thing!
STALLION
Well, it certainly seems rich that you expect me to just hand over the extremely sensitive and rather salacious details of my hard-earned case so you can deign to offer me the crumbs of your police-sanctioned genius as “help,” but won’t even give me an inkling of what you’ve been working at all day.
ARCHIE
Because there is such a thing as police confidentiality, James, and I have to respect that! Look, if you’re not going to tell me, can we please just get ready for bed? I’ve been in a foul mood all day and these past few hours - before we started talking about cases - were so nice.
STALLION
Well let me take some of that off of you!
ARCHIE
Look, it’s…I’m sorry. I wish I could tell you more, but…it’s my first case as Inspector, James. You know how hard it was for me to get where I am. I have to be careful. I have to do this right. And besides, it’s not even particularly interesting! They’re only calling it “high profile” because there are rich men involved.
STALLION
Hey.
ARCHIE
Rich men that are, unfortunately, not also good men like you. You know, I put in for the Homeless disappearances, thought I could help out, but no, too serious for a Freshman Inspector. I swear to god, sometimes I hate the police.
(A beat. STALLION can see how tired he is, thaws a bit and goes into support mode. Crosses to ARCHIE. Close:)
STALLION
I’m sorry.
ARCHIE
I know. Me too. Come here.
(He does. They embrace. From within the hug:)
STALLION
You know, I do love you, Inspector.
ARCHIE
And I you, Detective.
(A moment of peace. STALLION takes the opportunity:)
STALLION
If I were to tell you about our case, would you perhaps consider…
ARCHIE
The moustache stays.
STALLION
Worth a shot.
(STALLION sighs, pulls back. Let’s try this again.)
So, the girl, with the case.
ARCHIE
(big “will salvage this night whatever it takes” energy)
Yes, alright, lay it on me!
STALLION
Sarah is her name. She came to us about this jewel heist sort of thing–which is perfect for us, you know, exactly the sort of case we should be out there solving! It’s flashy, it’s sensational, it’s low stakes–or, at least, that’s what we thought. Turns out, her mother was actually arrested–well, falsely arrested–for the theft, and we have to exonerate her before Monday or she’ll be hanged for a crime she didn’t commit!
(Beat.)
Fantastic, right? I mean, what a debut!
ARCHIE
Sarah… Fletchley?
STALLION
The same! Great guess. How did you know?
(Beat.)
Ok. That was a fun pause.
(TRANSITION MUSIC: Detective theme)
(SCENE: INT. 224b Baker Street.)
(SOUND: FAWX is rifling through papers. Probably on the ground at this point, sorting through a lot of paper with no organization and even less patience.)
FAWX
Why does James have all the old newspapers?
MADGE
Because he pays for the newspapers.
FAWX
I pay for the newspapers too!
MADGE
Right. Topper?
FAWX
Yes!
(SOUND: MADGE pours them both drinks.)
MADGE
James pays for the Standard.
FAWX
I pay for the Times!
MADGE
Then where’d you put the Times?
FAWX
I don’t know! It's probably in the bin by now!
MADGE
Well that answers the question then.
FAWX
Goddammit! We need something here, Madge. Anything! We can’t just be sitting in a tornado of information and not find out a single thing.
MADGE
Well that’s not true, we figured out where you put the Times.
FAWX
You know, this is just like him. Ever since I’ve known James he always gets exactly what he wants and too bad for the rest of us. Do you think John Watson leaves Holmes in the middle of a case for “date nights”? No! He rushes out to the country alongside him–and he just got married!
MADGE
Well, there’s probably other reasons for that ranked priority list…
FAWX
(barrelling through)
It’s like you get hit by one carriage and the rest of your life is all peaches and gravy and The Newspaper! I just…no, Hampton. Clarity.
(FAWX exhales deeply and takes a beat to centre himself. Shakes it out on an open vowel, like an acting exercise.)
MADGE
What’s all this then?
FAWX
Focus, Madge–you should try it. Sherlock Holmes never shows anger, never shows fear, just pure, unwavering poise and focus. We need to remember that.
MADGE
Yeah, but he’s also a bit of a knob.
FAWX
If he wasn’t a bit of a knob do you think he’d be as good at solving mysteries? I think not.
MADGE
It sure excuses a lot.
FAWX
And so it must be with James. Because he may pay for this apartment, and he may steal our spirits, and he may be a bit of a knob. But he’s our bit of our knob. Which is why he’s such a brilliant detective.
MADGE
Right... And how do you know James is a brilliant detective exactly?
FAWX
Because I’m an excellent detective, and we can sniff out our own.
MADGE
So does that mean you think I’m an excellent and/or brilliant detective?
(FAWX considers this.)
FAWX
I suppose you are a bit of a knob. Something must’ve rubbed off.
MADGE
And it wasn’t Martha, I can tell you that right now.
(SOUND: MADGE takes another swig. FAWX goes over to MADGE, crawling over the open books doing his kind of drunk best not to disturb them. Grabs her and pulls her down to vaguely his level by the lapels for emphasis.)
FAWX
(laser focused)
Hey. You listen to me and you listen good, Madge. I don’t want to hear that woman’s name come out of your mouth for the rest of the night, do you understand me? Every time you say it, it’s just a reminder of what you don’t know and what you don’t have. And you can’t live your life focused on what’s outside the window. So everytime you want to say the M-word’s name, anytime at all, just remember that she doesn’t have what you and I have right here and now; a purpose.
MADGE
I mean she does have a son, but I guess that can’t be your whole life.
FAWX
(Still laser focused)
You know what I mean.
(A beat. This gets through to her. A sigh. She sits with him.)
MADGE
Mar–
(she catches herself)
M-Lady. M’Lady - that’s ironic - used to always complain about the fold up maps of London in the Gazetteer. Could be a good place to start.
FAWX
No, Madge: Great place to start. We can hang it up over the Golem Map. Now, hand me that brandy. And that Gazetteer.
(SCENE: INT. ARCHIE’s flat. No music. Right where we left off.)
ARCHIE
Sarah Fletchley…came to see you?
STALLION
Yes? Do you know her?
ARCHIE
And she’s sure her mother is innocent? How?
STALLION
I’m having a very hard time gauging your tone here, are you angry?
ARCHIE
Just answer the question, James!
STALLION
We already said “I love you’s” that means we’re not fighting anymore!
ARCHIE
So—right, so Sarah Fletchley is so sure of her mother’s innocence that she came to you?
STALLION
Well she actually came to visit Holmes and Watson. It was funny, we were actually -
ARCHIE
She went to Holmes and Watson? Why?!
STALLION
That’s what I said, but Hampton put on some act about being their “understudies” and “coming out of the basement” or some other some such- I couldn’t really follow, you know how he gets when he’s excited–anyway she came to us and asked us to save her mother from being hanged for stealing the Crimeria Jewels.
ARCHIE
And her mother wouldn’t happen to be named Eliza Fletchley, would she?
STALLION
That sounds right, but honestly I’m not sure.
ARCHIE
You didn’t ask?
STALLION
I didn’t think it was important.
ARCHIE
You’re supposedly solving her case!
STALLION
Sure, but we don’t need to get every little detail right off the bat, these first meetings are more like… consultations.
ARCHIE
James, this is very important, does she have any evidence to prove her mother’s innocence?
STALLION
All she said was, her mother loved the Crimerias and there’s no way she would ever do something like that. Honestly I wouldn’t even consider it an alibi, more of an attestation of her character.
ARCHIE
Anything else?
STALLION
No! Actually, wait, she did say the em… the keys? The ones to the chest that they said she knicked, she never had. Apparently her mother is getting up there in age, so to speak, and pickpocketing may have been a stretch.
ARCHIE
Oh god.
(SOUND: ARCHIE goes to the closet, grabs his coat and boots and begins getting dressed, with purpose.)
STALLION
Where are you going?
ARCHIE
I need to get to Scotland Yard.
STALLION
What? Why?
ARCHIE
Because, James, that’s the exact feeling I got from her when I arrested her last night.
STALLION
When…sorry, you arrested her?
ARCHIE
(not listening)
We told her we were the police and she was under arrest and she thought we were taking her to her Senior League’s Snooker Tournament. For god’s sake.
STALLION
You made the arrest? You’re the officer that didn’t even bother to interview Sarah about her mother, how could you do that? How could you arrest someone if you don’t know that they’re guilty?
ARCHIE
Because, it was my first case as lead inspector, the second richest man in London was breathing down my neck, and she was identified by Crimeria’s bodyguard.
STALLION
So you just took their word for it?!
ARCHIE
You didn’t even know her name!
STALLION
Well that’s different.
ARCHIE
Oh god, I may have arrested a completely innocent woman. Oh my god.
STALLION
Alright - hey, it’s alright - just let me get Hampton and Madge so we can all go -
ARCHIE
James. No no no no, James. I don’t think that’s a good idea.
STALLION
But we’re working on the same case.
ARCHIE
Yes, except I’m working on it in a legal capacity and -
STALLION
Private investigation is legal!
ARCHIE
But you’re not a private investigator!
(Beat. At this point he’s dressed, moves to James.)
James. I love you. And you do so much good. So much. You are the best partner I could ask for. You plan thoughtful evenings, you make me smile at the end of a hard day, you cook pretty good meals that never taste the same way twice-
STALLION
So you think I’m only of use as, what, a cook?
ARCHIE
(realising he may have stepped too far)
That’s not what I’m saying at all, but it is part of your talent. And there’s nothing wrong with that. You cook beautifully! You live beautifully. You brighten up every room you’re in. You already make the world a better place. This is how I’m trying to do the same.
(STALLION takes this in. He’s hurt, but too proud to acknowledge it.)
STALLION
You know what. You’re right. Go ahead, I’ll be here when you get back.
ARCHIE
Alright. I do love you, James.
STALLION
And I you, Inspector.
(SOUND: ARCHIE leaves, the door closes.)
(Once he’s gone:)
STALLION
Right, well fuck that.
(SOUND: Whoosh. Knock on the door.)
(SCENE: INT. 224b Baker St.)
(SOUND: The door bursts open)
(FAWX and MADGE pouring over the giant map of London on their wall. STALLION bursts through the door–it’s very dramatic.)
FAWX
James, what are you doing here?
STALLION
Put the kettle on, Hampton. We’ve got a goddamned mystery to solve.
CREDITS
End of Part Three.