Chapter Four: The case of the Associates of Gentlemen
(SCENE. Ext. Blakley Park overlooking The Crimeria Estate. 8:59am.)
(Blakley Park is a charming little public park that faces the imposing Crimeria Estate. It’s got a fountain and a couple paths, but not much else. FAWX and STALLION are waiting for MADGE behind a tree in their disguises, peeking through.)
Scene 1A: Fawx, Stallion
STALLION
So this is it, right? Blakely Park?
FAWX
Oh yes, the large white mansion there. That’s the Crimeria Estate.
STALLION
Oh! That’s the Crimeria Estate. I always thought that was a Savings & Loan Building.
FAWX
Why would you assume that?
STALLION
Any fancy building I haven’t been invited into is a Savings & Loan Building to me. The Victoria & Albert Museum? Savings & Loan. Drury Lane? Savings & Loan.
FAWX
Buckingham Palace?
STALLION
The First Bank of England.
FAWX
Huh. How’s my hat?
STALLION
Accented-ly popped. My Ascot?
FAWX
Roguishly Askew.
STALLION
Well then I’d say we’re ready. You said Madge is -
FAWX
On her way. Said she had to make a stop but would be here by 9 and it’s almost -
(SOUND: MADGE appears behind them, out of breath, pushing through the foliage, not particularly graceful. She’s wearing a governess dress and a blond wig with a beauty mark. She’s pulling it off.)
Scene 1B: Fawx, Stallion, Madge
MADGE
Told you tits I’d make it.
FAWX
(affecting his voice: Scottish)
I’m sorry ma’am we’re waiting for someone.
MADGE
Oh my god, Hampton, what the fuck are you doing?
FAWX
(normal voice)
Oh Madge, is that you? I love the dress.
MADGE
Yeah, I had to stop by the Hospital to rifle through their Lost & Found. All of my dresses are too noticeable, if you know what I mean.
FAWX
Excellent luck they had that wig as well.
MADGE
No, the wig’s mine. Sometimes it’s nice to try bangs as a good reminder you don’t wanna keep this up everyday. Now, Hampton, why do you look like a newsboy?
FAWX
We said we’d come in a disguise and this is my disguise!
(He cocks his page hat and affects his voice–Scottish.)
Britt Kensington’s the name, and don’t let the Scottish accent fool ya, I’m a London boy through and through. Although I did grow up summering in the north with my mother. She had to move back to take care of her father who had the consumption and used it as an opportunity to passively separate from my Da. She didn’t think he’d realize, but he did. He realized right away… Oh Da…
(Beat.)
MADGE
Bulletproof. You hear me, Britt Kensington? Bulletproof. And you?
STALLION
I am but a humble city sanitation worker, ma’am.
MADGE
And with an ascot no less
STALLION
Must we reserve style for none but the upper echelons of society?
MADGE
Yeah, yeah, pocket squares for all. So, no name for you?
STALLION
(grabbing a name)
…George.
MADGE
So to be clear we’re about to enter the Crimeria Estate as George the Egalitarian Sanitation Worker and Brad -
FAWX/STALLION
Britt.
FAWX
Kensington.
MADGE
Right. Well. At least we were on time.
FAWX
(affecting his voice)
And what may we call you, ma’am?
MADGE
Well considering this is now the first time in history that being dressed as a gentleman’s wife has been the wrong choice, I have no idea.
STALLION
That’s not necessarily true. You two could still pretend to be husband and wife.
FAWX
Already did it last night.
STALLION
And I missed it?!
FAWX
We tried our best to make it work.
MADGE
We got a divorce.
STALLION
It’s getting more common these days.
MADGE
Alright, how about I’m an independently wealthy, eligible bachelorette daughter of an obscure war hero?
STALLION
That’s brilliant.
FAWX
Wonderful, so what -
(SOUND: Coins jingling and footsteps approaching quickly. A BANKER is in a rush, shoulder checking FAWX–hard. The BANKER makes ahead straight for the Crimeria Estate without stopping.)
FAWX
Ahh! That was my-
(SOUND: The BANKER races by.)
MADGE
Quick, that banker’s headed straight for the front door, now’s our chance -
FAWX
(still clearly in pain)
Alright, let’s go!
(SOUND: The three start to approach the steps of the Crimeria Estate.)
STALLION
Say, Madge. If you didn’t know this was the Crimeria Estate, what would you think it is?
MADGE
You know, up until last night, I thought it was a Savings & Loan Building. Oh - Banker’s in, let’s go!
(SOUND: She rushes to the door ahead of them. We stay with FAWX and STALLION:)
STALLION
How’s the shoulder?
FAWX
It fucking hurts!
CREDITS
(SOUND: Knock Knock.)
(SCENE: EXT. The CRIMERIA Estate. Morning.)
(SOUND: The front door opens. A maid (KATE) answers.)
Scene 2A: Fawx, Stallion, Madge, Sazarac, Kate
KATE
Hello, welcome to the Crimeria Estate, where all your dreams are just - Wait a tick.
FAWX
(affecting his voice)
I’m Britt Kensington -
KATE
(to MADGE)
Don’t I know you, miss?
MADGE
Like hell you do–
(SOUND: FAWX elbows her.)
Ahh! Ahem. No - No madam. That would be impossible. I’m but a poor eligible daughter of a now-deceased general. It’s best if you don’t follow up for more details as the death of my father is very fresh and once the tears start they will not turn off.
(Beat.)
STALLION
I’m George.
KATE
Kay…
MADGE
We are associates of the gentleman who -
FAWX
(affecting his voice)
Yes, the gentleman banker you just… admitted to your... lovely… home.
STALLION
Yes, that gentleman. We’re his associates.
(SOUND: Speedy footsteps as SAZARAC speeds by the door. An abrupt stop. She backs up to the door.)
SAZARAC
Kate, is this all for the open house? Are these the volunteers?
KATE
No, Miss Sazarac, they’re associates of -
FAWX
(affecting his voice)
Associates… of Gentlemen. We’re a… a group, of like minded and… well-intentioned enthusiasts of, of volunteering! We love to volunteer and we love to do it as a group.
STALLION
(playing along)
And we call ourselves the “Associates of Gentlemen”.
MADGE
(flatly)
Because every gentleman… needs an associate.
SAZARAC
They certainly do in my experience. Please, right this way. And Kate, where did you say Mr. Hastings was waiting?
KATE
East Library, Ma’am.
SAZARAC
Thank you. By the way, Kate, that girdle. It’s doing wonders for your posture. You’ll be on upstairs crew in no time and/or 3-6 months. Now, gentlemen and lady, if you please. Follow me.
(SOUND: They walk in past KATE. The next bit of dialogue trails off as they get further away:)
Now, Ma’am you look familiar. Have I seen you before?
MADGE
Father’s a war hero.
SAZARAC
That must be it. I love wars…
(SOUND: We stay with KATE. Once everyone’s in, KATE pulls out a little snuff box and snorts a bump.)
KATE
(To herself, sighing…)
Two more years of night school, Kate. Two more years…
(SOUND: The door shuts–and we transition into:)
(SCENE: INT. The CRIMERIA Estate. Outside of the Crimeria Study.)
(SOUND: Footsteps through the hall. SAZARAC stops everyone abruptly before a large door.)
Scene 2B
SAZARAC
This is Master Crimeria’s study. The protocol is once we knock, to be very quiet as Master Crimeria does not like to raise his voice to invite us in.
STALLION
Why can’t he -
(SOUND: SAZARAC knocks.)
SAZARAC
Shh.
STALLION
(whispering)
Is it a condition or is it a choice?
SAZARAC/MADGE/FAWX
Shh!
(Beat.)
SAZARAC
(concentrating intently on the door)
It’s a choice.
STALLION
(whispering)
Thank y -
SAZARAC
Shh!
(Silence.)
That was it. After you, please.
(SOUND: She opens the door and ushers them in.)
(SCENE: INT. The Crimeria Study.)
(SOUND: A large fireplace rages. The same study from Part 2.)
(The study is pristine as usual. OSKAR leans against CRIMERIA’s desk as the chair at the desk faces away, staring into a full fire going in the fireplace.)
Scene 2C: Fawx, Stallion, Madge, Sazarac, Crimeria
SAZARAC
Master Crimeria, may I introduce the “Associates of Gentleman,” our wonderful volunteers.
FAWX
I’m Britt Kensington.
MADGE
Daphne…
(SOUND: Perhaps a zoom as her eye goes to the curtain on one side of the room:)
Curtain…
(SOUND: Not good enough, keeps looking, a zoom over to the globe bar:)
Globe Bar-
(SOUND: Zoom back to Madge. She settles on:)
Pangea! Daphne Curtain-Globar Pangea. Father was German.
SAZARAC
And a war hero.
MADGE
That… is correct.
(Beat.)
STALLION
George.
SAZARAC
Indeed, and with that I must attend to some... business in the East Library. Excuse me.
(SOUND: SAZARAC leaves, quickly as she always does. The door BOOMS closed.)
FAWX
(whispering)
Anyone else catch how suspicious that “business” sounds?
MADGE
(whispering)
3 shillings that’s where that banker is. First chance one of us gets we should go check it out.
FAWX
(whispering)
If only we knew where the east library was.
STALLION
(whispering)
Hampton, it’s East.
MADGE
(whispering)
I’ll do it. I got a plan.
FAWX/STALLION
You do?
MADGE
Sort of. Just stop whispering!
CRIMERIA
‘Volunteer’.
(SOUND Option 1: He turns around in the rotating chair)
Volun-teer. To submit or offer of your own free will. Do you know the first time in recorded history the word “Volunteer” was used? It was the 1600s. In France of all places.
(Bad French accent)
“Volunteer”
Nearly unrecognisable. It originally referred to “offering one’s self up for military service.” To be of service. To put yourself between danger and… a cause, an institution, an ideal, a home, an expectation, a… man.. That is why you are here today. To offer yourself up for the betterment of something greater than yourself. And for that, gentlemen and lady…
(Option 2: He turns around in the chair here?)
For that I thank you.
FAWX
(affecting a voice)
...you're welcome?
MADGE
I have to go to the bathroom!
CRIMERIA
I’m sorry?
FAWX
(whispering)
Good plan.
(SOUND: MADGE elbows FAWX)
FAWX
(pained)
I was being serious
CRIMERIA
You have to–
MADGE
Use the bathroom. To “go to” the bathroom. To relieve myself as it were. Not quite sure where the phrase originated but… you get the point.
CRIMERIA
Indeed. I do. Oskar.
(SOUND: OSKAR takes a huge bite of apple from behind FAWX.)
OSKAR
Yes, boss.
FAWX
Oh!
STALLION
He’s been there the whole time?
FAWX
Yes, I knew that. Of course!
CRIMERIA
Please escort Miss… Pangea to the washroom.
OSKAR
Right this way, madame. Your piss chariot awaits.
MADGE
I’d… rather go alone.
OSKAR
Trust me, you will be. I’m just gonna take you to the -
MADGE
Oh no, It’s just... a gentleman I’m not acquainted with walking an elegant bachelorette to the washroom. I mean, what would people say?
OSKAR
“He seems nice”?
CRIMERIA
No, no. I understand. People will talk. They always talk… The washroom is down the hall and to your left, in between the portrait room and the gallery.
MADGE
Huh, it’s almost a theme. And with that I’m off.
CRIMERIA
Don’t be long, Miss Pangea. And if you do happen to find yourself lost, just scream... Someone’s bound to hear you.
MADGE
Of course. Mr Crimeria. Gentlemen. Adieu. Adieu. Adieu.
FAWX/STALLION/CRIMERIA
Daphne/Daphne/Miss Pangea.
(SOUND: MADGE exits the room. The door BOOMS closed again.)
FAWX
Gah!
(affecting his voice.)
Sorry, loud door. Guvnor.
(CRIMERIA gets up from his chair and crosses in towards FAWX & STALLION.)
CRIMERIA
Yes. It’s a statement door. Because every exit is the opportunity for a new beginning and thus… a “big boom”.
STALLION
Mine does that too, but it’s just an old flat.
CRIMERIA
Gentlemen, can I interest you in a drink?
STALLION/FAWX
Sure/It’s 9am.
CRIMERIA
Oskar. 4 please. It’s time to get down to business…
(SOUND: OSKAR laughs to himself. FAWX & STALLION gulp.)
(SCENE: INT. The CRIMERIA Estate upper hallway.)
(SOUND: MADGE walks along the hallway cautiously.)
Scene 2D: Madge, Maid 1, Maid 2
MADGE
Alright, Madge. Time to snoop. And if you do happen to find the loo, even better.
(SOUND: Two maids are about to come around the corner.)
Ah shit, shit, shit. Hello Suit of Armour.
(SOUND: MADGE ducks behind a suit of armour. The maids pass by her.)
MAID #2
… Exactly, and I’m just sure of it, you know.
MAID #1
How can you tell?
MAID #2
I fall in love very easily. I just know.
(SOUND: They turn the next corner.)
(MADGE peeks out.)
MADGE
Dammit, Madge. Don’t get sucked into the gossip. Just…
(SOUND: For some reason, the Maids are coming back.)
MADGE
Oh come on… Wait! The loo! Can I make it? Aw, fuck it, yes I can!
(SOUND: MADGE hustles across the hallway and closes the door to the washroom.)
MAID #1
… That’s what the molasses is for. If it was just the goat’s milk, it wouldn’t hold.
MAID #2
And how often does your husband use it?
MAID #1
I mean at this point it’s an “everytime” kinda thing and we both just love it.
(SOUND: The maids cross past the panel in the wall. The door to the washroom closes.)
(MADGE is in the washroom.)
MADGE
Alright. Time to investigate this washroom, starting with your - gold toilet! With… Potpourri- ugh, you would. Hold on a tick… a peephole behind the potpourri. Fucking rich people… Well here goes nothing.
(SCENE: INT. The CRIMERIA Study.)
(MUSIC: CRIMERIA’s rich classical music.)
(SOUND: STALLION finishes off his drink and puts it down.)
Scene 2E: Fawx, Stallion, Crimeria, Oskar
STALLION
Fuck me, that’s good brandy.
CRIMERIA
Thank you, George. Thank you… Now, you’re in my study, you’ve drunk my brandy, you’ve answered my call, so I must ask, what is it that possesses you to be a part of the Crimeria family legacy?
STALLION
Well truth be told we heard you had your jewels stolen and figured you needed all the help you could get. Sorry, didn’t mean to speak the quiet part out loud.
FAWX
(Brit Voice)
Uhh what George here means, Master Crimeria is that -
CRIMERIA
What George here means… is to tell me the truth, Mr. Kensington. And you are right–my family’s jewels were stolen and yes, I should’ve listened to my gut after Oskar here even suggested auctioning off the Jewels to assist my now-mutually deceased parents’ philanthropic ventures.
OSKAR
Thought it’d be nice, sue me.
FAWX
(Brit voice)
So you need us to… find out who took your family’s jewels?
CRIMERIA
Aww, look at you. No, luckily, even without that very handy Mr. Holmes in town, the culprit managed to be caught geriatrically-handed, though the jewels themselves remain at large.
FAWX
(Brit voice)
So you want us to find your family’s jewels?
OSKAR
Colder.
CRIMERIA
Oskar?
OSKAR
Boss.
CRIMERIA
Settle....
OSKAR
Heard.
CRIMERIA
You gentlemen, and lady who is physically absent, have graciously given up your time, energy, and bodies for the most fruitful pursuit there is. Oskar, the supplies.
(SOUND: OSKAR chuckles to himself and pulls two identical, pristine wooden boxes off of a shelf and hands them to FAWX and STALLION.)
For you see, gentlemen. Inside these pristine, maplewood boxes is where you come in. Feel free. Open up your little… surprises. And don’t worry, Miss Pangea’s is waiting here for her once she returns.
(SOUND: The toilet flushes.)
(SCENE: INT. The CRIMERIA lavatory.)
Scene 2F: Madge, Sazarac, Banker
MADGE
Not as discrete as I’d like, but sure. Now what do we see here…
(MADGE peaks through the peephole in the lavatory. She sees into The East Library where SAZARAC and the BANKER are going over several suspicious documents–we start to hear their conversation through the wall as MADGE does:)
SAZARAC
… to dampen the amount of attention an acquisition of this magnitude could garner. You understand.
(The BANKER stares at SAZARAC.)
BANKER
Mmhm.
MADGE
(to herself)
That Sazarac bird and the banker. Get stuffed, James and Hampton…
SAZARAC
That does sum it up, but Master Crimeria is insistent on not losing the momentum he and your firm had simply because of the death of his parents and theft of his jewels.
BANKER
Mmhm.
SAZARAC
So I have for you signed copies of the Land Acquisition Agreement, The Contract of Demolition, The Contract of Construction, And of course, The Insurance Policy on the Crimeria’s jewels, which are still at large.
MADGE
(to herself)
Oh great, jargon-y documents.
SAZARAC
I’ll just need your signature here. Here. And here. Initial there. Apologies, there. And voila! Thank you, Mr. Hastings. I do believe we are now one step closer to bringing our city and the Crimeria household into the 20th century. Shall we have a toast? I know it’s a tad early but…
(SOUND: SAZARAC begins walking toward the bar cart which is further away from the peephole. Her dialogue is significantly more muffled.)
MADGE
No, no, no, no, no. Come on, ya git. Come back closer to the goddamned peephole…
SAZARAC
(Distant)
You know it’s not every day a woman of my profession gets to have one on one time with a real live… banker.
(SOUND: The BANKER speaks but it's indecipherable.).
MADGE
God, why don’t peepholes work for hearing!
(SOUND: SAZARAC is still a bit too far away for Madge to make out, but we hear clearly:)
SAZARAC
Oh, well. Yes, of course. The chest is currently in the West Game Room, by the study. Perhaps after our -
(SOUND: The BANKER abruptly gets up and leaves. Papers rustling. A door to the library opens and closes. SAZARAC sighs.)
Not today, I guess…
MADGE
No! Where is he going, where is he going, where is he going!
(SOUND: MADGE accidentally pushes in a panel on the wall and, with a large mechanical whirl, the wall she’s leaning against turns.)
Why is the wall turning, why is the wall turning, why is the wall -
SAZARAC
Excuse me?!
(The wall MADGE was leaning against has spun around, leaving MADGE in the East Library with SAZARAC…)
MADGE
Uhh… Hello… Daffy lavatory you got here.
SAZARAC
I see you’ve discovered how sensitive the wood panelling can be Miss…
MADGE
Pangea. Daphne Pangea.
SAZARAC
Daphne Pangea… Yes… Can I make you a drink, Miss Pangea? I hope you don’t mind the early hour.
MADGE
Never been one to appease “The Hour” - saddle me up, Miss Sazarac.
SAZARAC
Excellent.
(SOUND: SAZARAC makes two martinis incredibly quickly.)
Martini?
MADGE
Neat parlour trick.
SAZARAC
You should see what I can do with balloons…
MADGE
Like children’s balloons?
SAZARAC
If you’re interested…
(Beat.)
MADGE
I’m not not interested…
SAZARAC
Come, take a seat. It’s nice and warm by the fire…
MADGE
I actually would love a seat at this strong, sturdy table.
SAZARAC
You’ll have to forgive the mess of paperwork.
(SAZARAC moves to clear the desk.)
MADGE
Don’t move it! I’ve always been a fan of… cluttered workspaces.
SAZARAC
These are just some highly sensitive documents.
MADGE
Well lucky for you, Miss Sazarac, I can’t read…
(Beat. After a moment, SAZARAC steps toward MADGE.)
SAZARAC
Miss Pangea, are you familiar with the Japanese art of “Shunga”, or as it’s commonly referred to here in London “Edo-Period Woodblock Erotica”?
MADGE
Oh yeah, pff - old hobby of mine, but please explain it to me anyway.
(SOUND: SAZARAC steps closer. They’re very close now.)
SAZARAC
The subjects can change from woodblock to woodblock but the intention is always the same. To… Inspire the body. So, Miss Pangea, care to be…inspired?
MADGE
(to herself)
The things I do for my hobbies…
(TRANSITIONAL MUSIC: CRIMERIA’s Classical theme continues)
(SCENE: INT. The CRIMERIA Study)
Scene 2G: Fawx, Stallion, Crimeria, Oskar
CRIMERIA
As I’ve told the papers, Mr Kensington–
FAWX
Call me Britt.
CRIMERIA
–I absolutely shan’t.
FAWX
Alright then.
CRIMERIA
The robbery of my parents’ jewels has left me understandably betrayed, beleaguered, and bereft. The night of their theft was equally as devastating to me as the night I simultaneously lost both my dear mother and father. And to be stolen by none other than Eliza Fletchley, whom I loved almost like my very own housekeeper! Do you know, she was the one who told me about my parents’ untimely deaths? And this is how I’m repaid!
FAWX
That is… Nearly exactly how you were quoted in the papers.
CRIMERIA
Thank you.
STALLION
Has it ever occurred to you that maybe Eliza Fletchley didn’t, in fact, steal the jewels? If she cared for you that much, that is.
CRIMERIA
Oh, George. Sweet George. As much as I would like to believe Eliza’s innocence I have already begun a long and arduous grieving process over the matter, and I simply cannot give up the progress I’ve made on that journey on the off chance that an innocent woman may hang for the mistake. You understand, don’t you?
FAWX/STALLION
…sure.
CRIMERIA
Well, now that I’ve achieved that emotional catharsis for the day and I’ve answered all your nosey little questions about the theft which has nothing to do with why you’re here, there’s no need to wait on ceremony. Gentlemen: Open your kits.
FAWX
(Britt voice)
Oh… thank you sir. I’m this will be of great use to - …
(SOUND: FAWX and STALLION open their boxes.)
Oh.
(FAWX and STALLION hold their respective open boxes and stare confusedly. FAWX pulls out a pair of very small dark briefs, STALLION sees that his box has the same briefs, but in a brighter colour, he also pulls out a matching masquerade mask.)
Costume masks. How… thoughtful.
STALLION
That’s not all, Britt. We also got these adorable… trunks.
FAWX
Oh, didn’t see mine at first… adorable….
CRIMERIA
I assume size small will suffice. Of course, they won’t be needed until the Event itself, as I’m sure you’re aware.
FAWX
Right… because this is where we come in.
STALLION
No offence, but I don’t see myself coming in anything that small.
CRIMERIA
You never think you can… but you always do. As I’ve already discussed with your associates–
STALLION
Yes, our associates.
FAWX
The associates of the Associates of Gentlemen.
CRIMERIA
–you, and whatever remaining assets that you bring along will be compensated quite generously for your service in this matter after the Event. However, discretion is of the utmost importance. I’m sure you remember how the press became absolute vultures after the simultaneous, though entirely routine, deaths of my parents in their sleep last month.
FAWX
Ugh, The Standard is the worst.
CRIMERIA
Therefore, I will depend on you to be prompt, and arrive with all of your eager assets we previously discussed in hand and on time.
FAWX
Right…and those “assets” would be…?
(Beat. CRIMERIA begins to laugh)
CRIMERIA
Oh, Mr Kensington, I do so appreciate your folksy lower-class trickery-related Northern humour. Your organisation was highly rated for its efficiency and secrecy, but no one relayed the degree of cheekiness to expect! I know that you know that I know exactly what assets I speak of, and I know you only deliver the highest quality, most singular, and most desperate… assets that are available.
FAWX
….sure.
OSKAR
Don’t forget the bird.
CRIMERIA
The what?
OSKAR
The third.
FAWX
I thought he said ‘bird’
CRIMERIA
He said ‘Third’. Third was the word.
STALLION
That’s what I heard?
OSKAR
Miss Pangea. The third member of their little party. The one who’s been gone a suspiciously long time.
CRIMERIA
Blast, you’re right. Gentlemen, is Miss Pangea commonly indisposed for this amount of time?
(Beat.)
FAWX/STALLION
She has stomach problems./Toilet-related narcolepsy.
CRIMERIA
Oskar, would you mind checking in on Miss Pangea.
FAWX
I’m sure if we just wait a few more minutes she’ll be right in, then you can tell us… exactly what it is we’re supposed to be doing with uh… these spicy accoutrements -
CRIMERIA
Yes, but you see I don’t like repeating myself - It’s a Crimeria thing.
STALLION
Really? Why not?
(Beat.)
CRIMERIA
Oskar, if you please.
(SOUND: OSKAR finishes his brandy in one quick gulp and begins to leave.)
(SOUND: Doorbell rings.)
Now who on earth could that be. Oskar, Sazarac’s dealing with business in the East Wing. Before you find Miss Pangea, answer the door, shoo away any solicitors, and hand out comment cards if it’s the press.
FAWX
If it was anything important I’m sure they’d ring the bell a -
(SOUND: Doorbell rings.)
STALLION
Admirable effort.
FAWX
Can’t believe that didn’t work.
(SOUND: OSKAR heads to the door.)
FAWX
Wait, Oskar, I’m sure Miss Pangea is–
(SOUND: He opens it and standing just on the other side is MADGE about to knock.)
Scene 2H: Fawx, Stallion, Madge, Crimeria, Oskar
MADGE
Hello!
FAWX
Right there, see? Right there! No need to go searching, Because she’s right there! Nothing suspicious at all!
MADGE
Thank god I was able to find you all! I’ve been searching every room along the hallway.
FAWX
Yes, and I’m glad you’re back too. Me, Britt Kensington.
STALLION
As am I. Your best friend–
MADGE
Complete stranger.
STALLION
--new best friend! George.
CRIMERIA
Yes…. Now, you’ll find the Maplewood Box on the table there is for you, feel free to take a gander inside. .
(SOUND: She grabs the box and opens it.)
So, Miss. Pangea. Any questions?
MADGE
Uhhh…Nope.
CRIMERIA
Excellent. Now if you don’t mind, I’m late to my appointment of staring into the fire and contemplating my family’s legacy.
(SOUND: CRIMERIA stands)
FAWX
Yes, of course. Absolutely. Associates?
(They all move to leave. CRIMERIA stops at the door.)
CRIMERIA
Oh, and Mr Kensington? While I do agree that The Standard is a disgusting paper, I do always keep a keen eye to The Times. I’m always…watching…if you know what I mean. The Times.
(Beat. No one does anything.)
FAWX
100%. Shall we?
(CRIMERIA exits. OSKAR lingers in the door, laughs briefly at them, and then, from off:)
CRIMERIA
(O.S.)
OSKAR! Why aren’t you getting the door?!
(Transition: We’re now in the downstairs hallway, where they’ve been left to escort themselves out.)
(TRANSITIONAL MUSIC: Upbeat victorian noir)
FAWX
Well, I’d say that was a rousing success!
MADGE
So glad you think so too but what exactly are you referring to?
FAWX
Well, we didn’t immediately get thrown out, and our disguises seemed to work impeccably–and, we have a clue!
STALLION
A clue that may actually have something to do with the case!
FAWX
Exactly!
STALLION
Side note: I’m starting to think that maybe we should be looking into his parents’ death, right?
FAWX/MADGE
Oh my god, yes!/If you didn’t say it, I was gonna.
MADGE
Wait, where are we going? Why did we let you lead?
(FAWX has taken off in the direction of the stairs)
FAWX
Because, Madge. My detectational impulses are tingling again.
STALLION
I have a tonic for that.
FAWX
Well, I just figured while we’re here why not follow our noses over to the scene of the crime. Second floor Games Room, right?
MADGE
Hampton, love the enthusiasm, but we’ve already lucked our way out of one breaking-and-entering situation this weekend. I don’t know if the universe is gonna give us another win like that.
(SOUND: FAWX pushes open another set of doors, cautiously but not that cautiously, throws back:)
FAWX
Huh. Funny. I thought I was working with the same Madge who saved the Tuppenstance Library by solving the mystery of overdue late fees at age twelve.
MADGE
It was really just a matter of messy accounting, but also how dare you! Let’s do this.
STALLION
I love getting a peek into your little childhood history. It really makes me feel included.
FAWX/MADGE
Sorry.
(SOUND: Footsteps coming down the hall.)
STALLION
I’ll live, now, let’s hurry before anyone sees us!
(SOUND: They turn a corner and run right into KATE)
Scene 3B: Fawx, Stallion, Madge, Kate
FAWX
Oof! Apologies, sorry, hello–
KATE
What are you doing up here?
FAWX
Erm, well, you see–Kate, right? We actually met earlier when you let us in. We were … just trying to find our way out, and—
KATE
So you went up the stairs?
(Beat.)
FAWX
…yes?
STALLION
–to get a better vantage point! From up high you can really just get the–-full layout of this very beautiful estate! Impressive square yardage. Real “old money” quality, and you can feel it.
KATE
…right. Well if you’re not Ms. Sazarac, this girdle’s coming off.
(SOUND: An unzipping or loosening of ties or something similar–need not be literal)
Wasn’t your voice different earlier, Mr. Krembleton?
FAWX
(putting the voice back on)
Nope. It’s always sounded like this. Britt Kensington, at your service… lassie.
(Beat.)
KATE
Sorry, I’m no good with names. Some people say that’s no excuse and I should just pay more attention, but I don’t think that’s right. Ok, I should call for Ms. Sazarac-
FAWX
Please No!-
STALLION
There’s no need for all that!-
KATE
Why?
MADGE
Because we’re detectives, Kate.
KATE
Oh, like Holmes and Watson?
FAWX
Yes! Sort of. It’s a bit of a–well, you know how in stage plays there are “understudies”--?
MADGE
(cutting off this rant early)
A bit yes, a bit no, not really time to explain. That’s Hampton, that’s James, and I’m -.
FAWX
Madge!
MADGE
What? She just said she’s no good with names.
KATE
That’s true. It’s not one of my strong suits. I do play the flute though.
MADGE
Well that’s real good for you, Kate. Real fuckin’ ducky. Now, we’re here looking into the theft of the jewels from the other night and I’m sorry to say, but if you don’t tell us what we want to know then you could be held as an accomplice to theft. That’s at least 2…and a half… years in prison. So… think very carefully about your next move.
KATE
So… Mr. Crimeria hired you?
MADGE
Let’s just say the person who hired us doesn’t think Eliza could have done this. And to be honest, neither do we. But the police seem to have made up their minds, so it’s down to us and you, Kate, to make sure an innocent woman doesn’t get hanged for something she didn’t do.
FAWX
We’re not here to steal, or get you in trouble, or anything like that. We just want to take a look at the scene of the crime and see if there’s anything that could clear her name?
STALLION
(laying it on thick)
What do you say, partner?
(Beat. KATE thaws.)
KATE
It’s not right, what happened. I tried to tell ‘em, that night, but they told me they had proof, so...
STALLION
Is there anything you remember from the night that might be able to help? Somewhere in the few hours before the event perhaps?
KATE
Not really? We had a lot of temporary workers in to fill staffing shortages, not to mention the guests, so there were plenty of people I didn’t know gettin’ their fingers in things. Caterers, close-up magicians–a man from the bank.
FAWX
A man from the bank? Why would a man from the bank come to a charity auction?
KATE
Said he had some documents to deliver about the jewels. Ms Sazarac had me show him up to the second floor study.
MADGE
And when was this?
KATE
We were still setting up before guests arrived, so maybe 6:30? 6:31?
FAWX
Very precise. Thank you. Right during the time Oskar took his break… he was left unsupervised on the second floor, near the Games Room where the jewels were stolen. Fantastic! Kate, this is fantastic! A clue, and now a prime suspect–this is perfect! Now, Kate, this is very important: what do you remember about how this man from the bank looked?
KATE
About your height, hat pulled low–Northern accent. He’s in the Games Room now, you can see for yourself .
MADGE
Wait, the banker from that night is the banker that came here, today?
KATE
Yeah, Hemings? Harding?
MADGE/FAWX/STALLION
Hastings!/Hastings!/Hedley!
STALLION
(half a second later)
Hastings–I got it too!
KATE
See? You’re bad with names too! And you’re a detective, it’s not like you don’t pay attention.
STALLION
I genuinely don’t know how I’m supposed to respond to that.
FAWX
Kate, thank you so much for your help–gents, let’s go!
(SOUND: He runs off, full speed. Turns around, runs back.)
FAWX
Sorry, which way?
(She points in the opposite direction.)
KATE
Third door on your left.
FAWX
Third door, left! Thank you.
(SOUND: They all run off in the correct direction. A moment with KATE:)
KATE
Alright, let’s do this girdle again….
(WHOOSH over to three doors down on their left. They’re pressed against the door, whispering furiously.)
Scene 3C: Fawx, Stallion Madge
FAWX
Alright, Madge, if you could just move your shoulder a bit to the left–oh yes, there he is!
STALLION
You can actually see him through the door crack?! Great eye. What’s he doing?
FAWX
It looks like… he’s on the move…
MADGE
Which way is he going then?
FAWX
It looks like he’s coming right in our -
(SOUND: The door opens and they all fall through with a loud “oomph”)
MADGE
We just all had to lean on the door, didn’t we?
STALLION
Agh, Madge, are your elbows made of wrought steel? Good God, woman.
MADGE
I will not apologise for my hard elbows to you or anyone.
FAWX
(at the bottom of the pile with the BANKER, struggling)
Ah ha! I’ve got him! I’ve got the suspect! Now excuse me, sir, we need to ask you a few–OW!
(SOUND: The BANKER has thrown an elbow at FAWX, sending him sprawling. The BANKER wriggles free and makes a run for it)
FAWX
He’s getting away! Get up! James, give chase!
STALLION
Me, why me?
FAWX
Damn my pride, because your legs are longer, just GO!
MADGE
Right, don’t want to interrupt, but why am I not an option here? I’ve got a clear two inches on James.
FAWX
Alright, fine! Madge, would you like to give chase?
MADGE
I mean, not really? But it is nice to be asked, innit?
STALLION
It is.
FAWX
Alright, what if we all give chase at once, and may the best man win?
(STALLION and MADGE silently confer, shrug)
STALLION/MADGE
Like a game?/Yeah, I like that.
FAWX
Shall we?
(SOUND: They give chase.)
(TRANSITIONAL MUSIC: cool and upbeat, real action-comedy stuff.)
Scene 3D: Fawx, Stallion, Madge, Archie
FAWX
There he is, we’ve almost got him!
STALLION
See, you’re shorter, but that cardio work you’ve been putting in has really closed the gap!
FAWX
I feel good about it!
MADGE
Oy, dicks. We almost got him.
(They’re just within reach of the BANKER, when finally, coming from the hallway perpendicularly to them:)
ARCHIE
–James?!
(SOUND: The music abruptly stops, the air goes out of the room. Shit.)
(SOUND: FAWX, STALLION, and MADGE all freeze, run into each other with a combined “oof!” They just sort of breathe heavily for a moment, not knowing what to do. Finally, doubling down:)
FAWX
(Britt voice)
Inspector Cartwright, I believe you must be mistaken. Britt Kensington, at your service.
STALLION
And I’m…George.
(SCENE: EXT. The Front Door of the CRIMERIA estate.)
(SOUND: The front door opens abruptly and everyone is pushed out.)
Scene 4A: Fawx, Stallion, Madge, Archie, McMurphy
ARCHIE
Don’t worry, Mr. Crimeria, I can assure you we’ll be taking these three roustabouts straight to Scotland Yard. We apologise again, for their -
(SOUND: The door slams shut.)
Intrusion.
FAWX
Wonderful. James, do you still have your box?
STALLION
You know I do. Madge?
MADGE
Right here.
FAWX
Excellent, now let’s head back to 224b to figure out our next -
ARCHIE
James, can I speak to you.
STALLION
I don’t know, can you.
ARCHIE
Now!
(SOUND: ARCHIE pulls JAMES away from the others.)
STALLION
Ow! Not the arm!
(SOUND: ARCHIE and STALLION move away.)
McMURPHY
You know those boxes are evidence, right?
MADGE
(thinking on her feet)
They’re ours. We had them before we went in.
McMURPHY
Ah poo. Fine.
(A few feet away ARCHIE has pulled STALLION to a remote spot.)
(SOUND: Perhaps some branches moving, establishing STALLION and ARCHIE as separated from the group visually)
Scene 4B: Stallion, Archie
ARCHIE
What the hell are you doing here?!
STALLION
Oh, are we doing that “you pretend to be angry with me to save your reputation” game again? Because actually I found that pretty—
ARCHIE
No, we’re doing the “I’m actually incredibly cross with you” game!
STALLION
Oh. Less exciting.
ARCHIE
What did I say about leaving the case of the Crimeria Jewels to me?
STALLION
Well, you basically said I was only good for a fuck and a souflee -
ARCHIE
You’ve never even attempted a souffle. They’re deceivingly difficult -
STALLION
So now I can’t make a souffle?!
ARCHIE
Do you even want to make a souffle?
STALLION
No, but I could! And you don’t believe I could! You don’t believe I can make a souffle, you don’t believe I’m capable of handling a “big boy case” like this one–
ARCHIE
That wasn’t… James. I am doing everything I can to ensure that the person - the actual person - responsible for this theft sits behind bars.
STALLION
And you’re trying to do it all by yourself, without me. Because if you can make a name for yourself while you’re at it then that’s the best of both birds.
ARCHIE
‘Both thirds?’
STALLION
Not third, Bird. Bird was the word.
ARCHIE
Well, that’s not what I heard.
STALLION
Well it’s what I said! Birds. Both birds. The ones you’re trying to kill with one stone.
(We shift perspectives over to FAWX, MADGE, and McMURPHY. We can maybe hear a bit of the remainder of the scene that we’ll hear in perspective in Part 5, but nothing specific can be heard–it’s just muffled voices.)
Scene 4C: Fawx, Madge, Archie, McMurphy
MADGE
Right, how badly do you reckon that’s going?
FAWX
I think I heard them talking about birds, so that seems like a good sign.
McMURPHY
I dunno, there are all sorts o’ birds that are right terrifying, I reckon. Hawks. Falcons. Pigeons. Crows. Jackdaw. Geese, of course. Ducks. Ravens, well that goes without sayin’, I think…Yeah, no, I could keep going, honestly…
(Beat. What is there to say to that?)
MADGE
I mean…I think you should.
(SOUND: Hurried footsteps, ARCHIE approaches, still pretty flustered and in a hurry to get out of there)
ARCHIE
McMurphy, come on!
McMURPHY
Wait, we’re not taking them with us?
ARCHIE
They apologised and said they’d never do it again, didn’t they?
FAWX/MADGE
On my life./Once was enough.
ARCHIE
See? Now come on.
(ARCHIE storms off.)
McMURPHY
No new evidence, no new perps. It’s almost like what’s the point, ya know.
(SOUND: McMURPHY heads off. STALLION approaches.)
Scene 4D: Fawx, Stallion, Madge (Sazarac)
MADGE
That was lucky, but why was Archie even here?
STALLION
It turns out our favourite lead inspector’s first case happens to also be ours.
FAWX
Oh, come on! The only upside of this ticking clock was that there was no competition!
MADGE
So does that mean he’s the twat who arrested Sarah’s mum?
(Beat.)
STALLION
Does it help that now he’s the twat who’s trying to prove her innocence?
MADGE
I thought we were the twats trying to prove her innocence?
FAWX
Dammit, you’re right. We can’t let him get there first! What about if -
(SOUND: Right then the BANKER rushes out the front door of the CRIMERIA Estate and pushes past the group, shoulder checking FAWX in the same shoulder as before.)
FAWX
Ow! Sonofa-
(SOUND: The BANKER rushes off.)
STALLION/MADGE
The banker!
(SAZARAC comes rushing out the doorway after him, hair and suit a bit askew.)
SAZARAC
Mr. Hastings! Come back h–oh.
(She stops for a moment, seeing MADGE. A bit breathless.)
Miss Pangea…
MADGE
Furina. Uhh - Ms. Sazarac.
SAZARAC
If you’ll excuse me. Come back here! Mr Hastings!
(She runs off in the direction the BANKER departed, towards ARCHIE AND McMURPHY)
STALLION
You know you were in the lavatory for an awfully long time.
MADGE
A lady never tells…but it was fuckin’ mental.
FAWX
Well, gents, I know that didn’t go as well as it could have, but I’d still call it a success. We have practically a full roster of potential suspects, a physical run-in with our main suspect–
STALLION
And, I believe we may have made a promising start toward being inducted into some sort of secret society. So colour me intrigued!
FAWX
And finally, my friends, for the very last crown jewel of this day, may I present:
(SOUND: He removes a small object from his pocket.)
STALLION
A ring? Oh Hampton, please tell me we didn’t go in there to perpetrate a second theft?
FAWX
No, James. I believe this ring will help us solve the first. I managed to swipe it off our mysterious Banker right as he made his daring escape.
MADGE
Damn. I hate to agree with you, Hampton, but you’re right. We didn’t do too bad!
STALLION
I don’t know, sounds like Madge did pretty well for herself with one of the aforementioned suspects.
(SOUND: Maybe they high five?)
FAWX
Now, back to 224B, we have some clues to decipher…
MADGE
Is one of them going to be ‘why that banker keeps clocking you in the same shoulder’?
STALLION
Or ‘who that banker is’?
FAWX
Yes and yes. Great new clues to add to the list.
STALLION
So… does it hurt.
FAWX
Yes, it fucking hurts.
CREDITS
End of Part Four.