Chapter Eight: The Case of the Hard Truth
(MUSIC: Archie and James’s theme, on piano.)
(SCENE: INT. ARCHIE’s flat. Early morning. STALLION is in bed. Pleasant ambience. It’s a quiet, peaceful morning.)
ARCHIE
James… James…
STALLION
(groggy)
Just give me 5 more minutes. It’s so warm and pleasant. And I have a hangover.
ARCHIE
There’s a surprise waiting for you, love.
STALLION
A surprise? For me?
ARCHIE
Shh shh… don’t open your eyes just yet… just smell.
STALLION
Tempting but I fell for this one too many times as a child. And I don’t…
(SOUND: A cover being lifted off a tray of sizzling bacon and freshly made scones)
Oh, that smells heavenly.
ARCHIE
Bacon, cooked to a crisp and scones with cheddar and freshly minced chives.
STALLION
What did I do to deserve all this?
ARCHIE
You tried. And that’s all that matters.
STALLION
That does sound like a just reward, but Archie, what attempt is it exactly that you're celebrating me for?
ARCHIE
The Crimeria Jewels, Sarah Fletchley, being a detective…
STALLION
Well, I could argue those were successes, not attempts -
ARCHIE
Making dinner, enjoying opera, investing in people and not just products…
STALLION
I’m sorry, are you saying these are things I’ve “tried” to do and failed?
ARCHIE
Making a home, being supportive of others, being a good person…
(SOUND: The sizzling of the bacon gets louder and grease spatters. There’s smoke trickling into the room.)
STALLION
Ahh! Bacon’s getting a touch unwieldy, don’t you think maybe you should -
ARCHIE
Having a career, being a good friend, being someone worth rooting for…
STALLION
(coughing)
Ok… ok… Archie, while adorable it’s not… This isn’t funny anymore… Why’s there so much… smoke in the flat?!
ARCHIE
Aww, sweet James. This is a dream. You’re just hearing what you want to hear.
STALLION
Why on earth would this be what I want to hear?!
ARCHIE
Wake up, James… Wake up…
STALLION
What kind of metaphorical nonsense -
(We hear ARCHIE’s voice up close, in the dream, but further away, simultaneously, FAWX:)
ARCHIE/FAWX
Wake up, James!
STALLION
Oh my god - What?!
(SOUND: We SMASH back into:)
(SCENE: INT. The Arena in the Admiral’s Shanks. Right where we left off in Part Seven. FAWX’s voice is hazy, out of focus.)
FAWX
James… JAMES!
(SOUND: A slap! STALLION wakes with a start.)
STALLION
Sonofa- Hampton?
FAWX
Finally! Sorry about the slap but we’ve gotta get out of here!
STALLION
Got to get out of… what?
FAWX
There’s a lava pit opening up at an alarming rate beneath the floor, we just found out we were lied to by Sarah, and we both look like we’re attending the cheapest orgy in Soho.
STALLION
And these are all reasons that you want to live?
FAWX
They’re not reason enough to want to die! Come on.
MADGE
(from outside the cage)
Oy, dicks! Find your way to the cage doors!
FAWX/STALLION
Madge!
FAWX
Thank god you’re ok!
MADGE
Look we’re all happy I’m alive, now get the fuck out of there!
(SOUND: FAWX pulls at the door. No give.)
FAWX
We’re locked in!
STALLION
Of-fucking-course we are.
FAWX
We’ll have to find another way -
(SOUND: A gunshot–JAMES yelps. The lock falls off. A pause.)
STALLION
Hampton, please tell me you shot that bullet to break the lock with a gun I didn’t know you had.
SARAH
No, but I did. Now follow me!
CREDITS
(SOUND: A sewer grate getting pushed open: SARAH crawls out, followed by MADGE, FAWX, and STALLION)
(SCENE: EXT. The alley behind the Admiral’s Shanks. Late.)
SARAH
Are you alright?
STALLION
Cold but alive.
MADGE
I just crawled through a fucking sewer to escape an underground fight club ring, but otherwise…
SARAH
Right… Hampton?
FAWX
Fine.
SARAH
Good, well at least -
STALLION
Where did you get a gun?
SARAH
From my bustle. Keep it there for safe keeping.
STALLION
And why do you even need one?
SARAH
My work shift ends at 2 in the morning and I like walks by myself. Now look, I’m not trying to -
FAWX
How could you not tell us?
SARAH
I….it wasn’t personal, I - I just -
STALLION
I think you’ve done more than enough. Hampton, Madge, let’s go home.
MADGE
James -
SARAH
If you just give me a minute to explain, I swear–
STALLION
I’m sure you can. And I’m sure it’ll be exactly what we want to hear, however I’ve had enough of almost getting killed for what you haven’t been telling us for one night.
SARAH
And I can explain all -
FAWX
Wonderful, where would you like to start? How you lied to us from minute one? How you came to us to solve a case you yourself perpetrated? How you made us look like fools in front of the entire city, so you could save your mum from your mistake? You know what, you can spare us the explanation because I think you’ve made yourself incredibly clear.
SARAH
I’m not proud of it…
FAWX
No, nor should you be! Must have been very inconvenient, desperately needing a detective to help you right when Sherlock Holmes leaves town.
(A beat. The deduction finally hits.)
Or, perhaps, not that inconvenient at all. Because you knew, didn’t you? You knew they were out of town. You said you work at The Flag & Staff, evening shift. That’s–
MADGE
–Martha’s favourite pub…Shit, I knew it sounded familiar.
FAWX
So you overheard from their landlady that Holmes and Watson were out of town on a case, saw the opportunity to carry out a job for your former employer–
STALLION
A job that paid handsomely, I might add!
FAWX
A job with no collateral damage, when the best detectives in London would be conveniently out of town and no one else would have a chance of solving the case. Especially us.
SARAH
I know it sounds bad, but if you’d only let me explain, there is -
STALLION
Yes, well it doesn’t really matter now, does it.
(SOUND: We zoom down the alley to ARCHIE and McMURPHY, who stumble toward the group, a little tipsy.)
McMURPHY
…so I says to the publican, unless you can show me a true to life ghost or ghoul, don’t ever call it a “spirit” round me again!
ARCHIE
Wonderful story, so glad I heard it so many times, now good - James? Hampton? Is that you?
(We zoom back to our main group.)
MADGE
Is that…?
STALLION
Archie. Down here.
SARAH
James, Hampton, look I swear -
(SOUND: ARCHIE approaches.)
ARCHIE
(a little too tipsy to process what he’s looking at)
James, what it blazes are you doing down - Right, Mask. Shorts. More questions. Where to begin… uhh -
McMURPHY
We get it, Stallion, you have long legs and a firm posterior. We’re all jealous. Now put ‘em away before I arrest you for public indecency.
ARCHIE
He won’t do that - you won’t do that.
STALLION
This is Sarah Fletchley. She stole the Crimeria Family Jewels from Jonathan Crimeria, not her mother.
MADGE
James - !
ARCHIE
James, what are you -
STALLION
Don’t believe me? Question her. Ask her about her involvement with “The Hammer” or some other some such - hell, inquire inside as to how she was fired for stealing from the patrons and institution of The Admiral’s Shanks.
ARCHIE
Right. Ma’am. Is there any validity to these accusations?
STALLION
Why don’t you believe me? I’m telling you clear as shit on a serving tray, aren’t I?
ARCHIE
It’s not that I don’t believe you Ja - Mr. Stallion. It’s just… we’ve been looking into another suspect and, and quite frankly, Miss Fletchley here doesn’t fit the profile.
MADGE
Right, so -
STALLION
So our word isn’t worth anything? Who have you been looking into, the bloody pope?
ARCHIE
The banker! Mr. Hastings or… or at least the false identity used to infiltrate the Crimeria house. There was no record of him at Bouverie & Sons when we rang them up.
McMURPHY
No offense, inspector, but that’s confidential police -
ARCHIE/STALLION
It’s fine!
SARAH
That was me.
FAWX
Sarah…
SARAH
My mum’s innocent, Inspector. I nicked the key from Ms. Sazarac here, at the Admiral’s Shanks this past Wednesday night, used it to steal the jewels Thursday, and left it in the library where I thought she’d find it immediately after. This morning I returned the jewels, disguised as the Banker. I know there needs to be a head on pike and I’d rather it be mine than my mum’s.
MADGE
Fletchley…
SARAH
And to be honest, I probably didn’t even need the key. They say it’s a special chest that needs a special key, but really it’s just a chest and I have no problem breaking into those. I can break into this flat right here.
(SOUND: She unlocks the flat right next to her.)
See? It’s not hard.
MADGE
It’s not easy...
SARAH
Inspector, please. Take me in and let my mum go.
(Beat.)
ARCHIE
Not how I thought this night would end. So… Miss Fletchley, I’m afraid you’re going to have to come with us. I arrest you in the name of the -
SARAH
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thanks, Inspector. I understand.
(ARCHIE goes to cuff SARAH)
MADGE
Jesus - Are neither of you going to stop this?
FAWX
I…
STALLION
Congratulations, Inspector Cartwright. I believe we’ve solved your first case.
McMURPHY
I don’t know, we caught the mum. They are related. That’s like… 50%.
ARCHIE
Right. James, Hampton, Madge… we’ll be following up on the details of this later but for now. Thank you for your civil service.
STALLION
(self-satisfied)
All in a day’s work for Fawx & Stallion.
ARCHIE
Right. Well. Put some pants on please. It is still England.
FAWX
Sarah, I…
SARAH
For what it’s worth, Hampton, I really am sorry.
(SOUND: ARCHIE, McMURPHY, and SARAH begin walking away.)
SARAH
Easy on the cuffs, there’s a gun in my bustle.
McMURPHY
Now how ya gonna hide a gun in there… and it not hurt? That just don’t make sense.
SARAH
Do you want me to say?
McMURPHY
Eww, I think I got it. .
(Beat. They’re gone.)
STALLION
Well that turned out to be a pretty convenient ending to a pretty terrible -
FAWX
Right. I’m going home.
(SOUND: FAWX starts walking off.)
STALLION
Hampton. Come on. Are you serious?
FAWX
The only thing I’ll be coming onto is Baker Street. When I get home. In about 20 minutes.
(SOUND: He continues off.)
STALLION
Hampton. Hampton, will you wait just a goddamned minute?
FAWX
No!
MADGE
Maybe you should just leave this one.
STALLION
I’m still having a hard time seeing how any of this is my fault.
MADGE
Maybe - and I’m just spitballing here - it’s because you had our client arrested in the street!
STALLION
What are you talking about? The case is solved. Sarah stole the jewels. She admitted it. In front of a room full of people and the police! Plus she almost got us killed while she was at it. And in these outfits, mind you!
MADGE
She saved our lives!
STALLION
I don’t understand why I’m the bad guy here. We solved the case. It’s done!
(SOUND: FAWX comes storming back. VERY quick footsteps, he’s furious.)
MADGE
Oh, he’s comin’ back.
FAWX
Right. Actually, no, we didn’t.
STALLION
What are you talking about?
FAWX
We didn’t solve the case, James. Scotland Yard arrested Sarah. Scotland Yard solved the case.
STALLION
Right but we turned her over to Scotland Yard. Not Holmes & Watson, us so we’ll chock it up to a mulligan and get the next one.
FAWX
There is not going to be a next one, James! We’ve been here for almost five years and Sarah’s the first person to walk through our door. Are we supposed to wait five more years until Sherlock Holmes falls of a fucking cliff before a bootblack turns up to ask us who stole his shinebox?!
STALLION
Hampton, I know you’re distressed that this didn’t turn out how you wanted but that doesn’t mean all hope is lost. Sarah’s mother will walk free.
FAWX
And that’s great for her! But what about us?! We used to be the laughing stock of Baker Street. Now we’re the laughing stock of the Criminal Underworld and Baker Street.
MADGE
Oh please, like Baker Street was even aware of us at all.
FAWX
Even worse! We just blew our anonymity. The perfect starting place. All we had to do was get one case right and we would’ve been on the map! And do you know what is the most fantastically, idiotically ridiculous part of all this? You solved it. You, James fucking Stallion, solved the mystery. The man who has single-handedly half-assed his way through this entire case - through this entire friendship, really -
STALLION
What the–
(Something really ugly is brewing in Hampton–you can tell he’s been bottling this up for awhile.)
FAWX
Using our flat as storage for your ridiculous, asinine investments - we don’t even have room for a table tennis table! Let alone the boxes upon boxes of toilet paper and wax cones or -
STALLION
They’re wax cylinders and they are the future -
FAWX
(mocking)
Right “The future of audio storytelling” which has fuck all to do with us! Admit it, those “investments” are the only thing you’ve doubled down on since we met! Because it certainly wasn’t us or our business–you certainly weren’t investing in me! Only turning up when it’s convenient, perfunctory disguises, abandoning us for, for, for “Date nights” -
STALLION
Well excuse me for having a healthy work/life balance.
FAWX
(an explosion)
WHAT WORK?! The most work you’ve ever done since arriving in London was getting hit by that carriage!
STALLION
You seem to forget I got hit by that carriage saving your– -
FAWX
You act like this is all a bloody joke to you and then you wonder why people treat you like a joke!
(STALLION takes this in, profoundly hurt. Hampton sees this but is too angry to feel bad about it.)
STALLION
Well, I’m the fucking joke that solved the case, which is more than you can say.
(Beat. He collects himself.)
Right. It’s late. I’m going back to my flat to have a long bath, a stiff drink, and go to bed. Do whatever the hell you want.
(SOUND: FAWX walks off without a word, still quietly furious.)
Madge. This was a good thing. We did our job. I’m not crazy, right?
MADGE
Sure. I hope you sleep well, James.
(SOUND: MADGE walks off following FAWX. A beat.)
STALLION
Fuck this.
(SOUND: STALLION walks off in the opposite direction. We follow FAWX’s footsteps as he storms into:)
(SCENE: INT. 224B Baker St. Later that night.)
(SOUND: FAWX bursts through the door and makes his way past Ambrosius without acknowledging him. FAWX goes straight to the wall of clues and papers he and MADGE had previously set up and begins ripping papers down and tearing them in half. Ambrosius drops his head in disappointment. MADGE enters close behind and closes the door behind her.)
FAWX
(talking to himself as he’s tearing off the clues from the wall)
Suspect list: Oskar, Sazarac, who gives a puff, apparently they’re just rich and eccentric. The Banker, just another reminder of my failures of deduction, once again, Winner: everyone else, Loser: me, again -
MADGE
Ambrosius.
(The cat looks up sleepily. Meows. Finally a greeting.)
Oy, ya not gonna -
(SOUND: FAWX rips more papers in half.)
Oh come on. Hey, hey, hey - !
(FAWX is determined to get every loose piece of paper. Right before he gets to the giant map of London with all of the marks where the homeless have displaced by “The Golem”, MADGE calls again)
Oy! Dickhead!
(FAWX stops.)
MADGE
Didn’t even greet Ambrosius. Have you no heart?
(Beat.)
FAWX
Hello, Ambrosius.
(AMBROSIUS meows in return. FAWX sinks to the ground, heavily. Still angry and frustrated and feeling very sorry for himself)
Five years–five years we’ve known each other, and James just throws every bit of hard work we’ve put into this partnership down the drain. I really thought we were on the same page, all this time. our big opportunity comes and it’s just–nothing. It’s always nothing, Madge, every time. And it’s just…
(MADGE doesn’t answer–he barrels on, furious, gaining steam)
I mean, doesn’t it bother you? God, of course it must, you’re married to him, what am I even saying! You know, I think he genuinely has no clue how he comes off. Permanent smirk on his stupid face. Flashy clothes when he knows damn well we’re supposed to be incognito. Every single time. We should approach every situation as if we could go undercover at any minute. I could be undercover right now! You wouldn’t know.
MADGE
(flatly)
Sure.
FAWX
Exactly! And that’s what’s just so frustrating about the whole thing!
MADGE
That he didn’t dress right?
FAWX
(we’re in a Rant now)
… It’s indicative of the larger flippancy, yes! He doesn’t care! That’s what I’m getting at. He doesn’t care whether we actually solve anything! He comes on this case, he humours me, like I’m a child to be swaddled, and then he runs off to his “real life” of parties and operas and–and being rich and in love. He has all of it! Right? You don’t ever hear Sherlock Holmes talking about rubbing elbows with the Queen at some, some, some great… gala or anything! He’s solitary. He’s focused! Because there’s always work to be done. Always a case to solve. A, a, a rock to overturn and, and oh, look! A Clue! Ya know?
MADGE
No.
FAWX
Yeah… Yeah, right. No one does! And that’s the point! No one knows! No one knows why we’re doing any of this! We’re all just reaching around in the dark waiting for someone to tell us we did a good job and we can just keep doing whatever that is and getting assurance we’re not wasting our time for the rest of our lives. That’s all it is.
(The adrenaline of the rant wears off for a moment, and he stalls out. In this pause, MADGE carefully picks up.)
MADGE
You know what I hate the most about James? It’s how selfish he is.
FAWX
Oh. Yes! This is good. I like this.
MADGE
It’s like you do everything you can to just step back and put him in a position where he can just hear himself - but… nothing.
FAWX
Yes!
MADGE
Absolute echo chamber of self-awareness.
FAWX
Couldn’t say it better myself!
MADGE
Oh my god - It’s you, you thick twat! I’m talking about you!
FAWX
You… wha… Me? But how does that make sense?
MADGE
Why are you angry with James?
FAWX
I -
MADGE
AH buh buh! Please keep your answer under 10 words.
FAWX
(struggling to get it under ten words)
Because… he ruined our only chance at solving an actual case. Wait - Why are you angry with me?
MADGE
Because you haven’t mentioned Sarah’s name once in this whole conversation and she’s going to hang for it!
(SCENE: INT. ARCHIE’s Flat. Later that night.)
(STALLION sits in the bathtub with a fancy cocktail on the edge. He struggles to roll a cigarette over the course of this next section but his hands are too wet and he’s too drunk.)
STALLION
Alright, James. This night is salvageable. Nothing that a bath and a drink and cig can’t fix…
(half sung to himself:)
You put tobacco in the middle, and you roll it all up, and you press down the -
(SOUND: the paper tears and the tobacco drops in the tub.)
And it’s in the tub. Fuck. You put tobacco in the middle, and you roll it all -
(SOUND: the paper tears again.)
Fuck! You put tobacco in the middle and you -
(SOUND: the paper tears and STALLION knocks his drink over.)
I don’t believe in Karma. I do not believe in Karma.
(SOUND: STALLION pulls a bottle of gin from behind the bathtub and pours it into his empty glass. ARCHIE, who has just arrived home, sees that he’s in the bathroom and pops his head in.)
ARCHIE
Ahh there you are, James. I thought you’d already gone to -
(ARCHIE sees all of the tobacco in the bathtub and STALLION with the bottle of gin in his hand. Gear change.)
What have I told you about smoking in the house? And just smoking in general?
STALLION
I don’t know what you’re talking about. Do you smell smoke?
ARCHIE
What’s all that in the bathwater, then?
(Gestures to the tobacco.)
STALLION
Tea.
ARCHIE
Tea.
STALLION
Yes, tea. It’s a tea bath. You’ve never had a tea bath before, Archie? They’re all the rage in The Standard.
ARCHIE
How could I be so ignorant?
STALLION
I don’t know - sounds like a “you” problem…
(Beat. Ok, wow. Crisis mode.)
ARCHIE
Ok. Love? What’s up?
STALLION
With me? Nothing. Why? I’m great.
ARCHIE
Yeah?
STALLION
Oh yeah.
ARCHIE
Great.
STALLION
So great.
ARCHIE
Good.
STALLION
Excellent.
(Beat. He is very clearly not excellent. A split second decision. ARCHIE takes off his jacket with determination.)
ARCHIE
Right. Make room.
STALLION
Inspector, I know you think you’re -
(SOUND: ARCHIE takes off boots.)
ARCHIE
Nope, make way, ladies and gents, grown man taking off his boots and getting into the bath…now.
(He gets into the bath with STALLION, opposite him. It’s cold.)
STALLION
Ok. Legs. Watch the -
ARCHIE
Ah! Christ, James, it’s freezing.
STALLION
It was hot when I drew it.
ARCHIE
Are all tea baths this cold?
STALLION
What the hell is a tea bath?
(Beat.)
ARCHIE
Right, I think you’ve had enough of this.
(SOUND: ARCHIE grabs STALLION’S drink, ice clinks.)
STALLION
Whoa whoa whoa, gin stays here.
ARCHIE
Maybe it’s time for an alternative beverage. I hear there’s tea around.
STALLION
Ok, don’t belittle me -
ARCHIE
I am not belittling you.
STALLION
Yes, you are.
ARCHIE
No, I’m not!
STALLION
Yes. You are!
ARCHIE
Alright yes I am! But just a bit… And, maybe I have, the past few days, been…well, a bit of an arse. To you. We just keep ending up in this circle of apologising and me saying the wrong thing, or doing the wrong thing, and god if that isn’t just my life right now. So I’m sorry. I don’t like what these days have made me either.
STALLION
It doesn’t matter. It’s over anyway.
ARCHIE
Yes. I suppose it is.
(A beat. STALLION breaks for a moment.)
STALLION
Archie, I think I made a mistake.
(INT. 224B Baker Street. Right where we left off.)
FAWX
Madge… she did it.
MADGE
Yeah, Hampton, I suppose she did.
FAWX
She lied to us.
MADGE
Yeah, that too.
FAWX
We…we solved the case. We did what she came here and asked us to do.
MADGE
No, she asked you to save her mum. In the end, it seems like she’s the one who did that, really.
FAWX
But she also stole the jewels. And admitted it. She’s been double dealing with the dastardly–
MADGE
Don’t you dare alliterate - I’m trying to have a serious conversation with you. Here, maybe you’ll respond to questions since it gives you more opportunities to hear yourself talk: Do you think it’s fair to grow up in neighbourhoods people like us take the piss out of? Or work three jobs to barely feed you and your mum?
FAWX
Well I–I’ve never been in that position before so I can’t say.
MADGE
Let’s say, as an exercise, that you have. And suddenly, an opportunity arises for a bit more cash with a bit less effort that won’t in the slightest affect anyone who’ll notice or suffer even a little. You wouldn’t take that? Because I suspect you would.
FAWX
Madge, this is all speculation–we don’t know anything about her, it could have all been a lie.
MADGE
Right because speculation has never led to a correct deduction before. I spent all afternoon with her, dress shopping, which you know how I feel about. And we talked about her, her life, her mum. And - big surprise - as it turns out, that woman is more than a thief or a ticket to fame, or whatever other simplification you wanna throw on her. And… Look, all I’m saying is, finding the culprit of a crime isn’t the same as finding a criminal, do you not… is none of this getting through to you at all?
FAWX
Fine. Let’s say for the sake of speculation, I go along with you. So what, she had some debts? But where do you think she got those debts–she stole, Madge. She worked for “The Hammer” nicking money and jewellery and god knows whatever else for years. I’m not daft. One time’s excusable, maybe, but twice, and you’re just a thief.
MADGE
Alright so by that logic, you didn’t solve this case. If you don’t solve the next one too, does that make you a failure?
FAWX
That’s different.
MADGE
How is it different?
FAWX
Because my failing doesn’t hurt anyone!
MADGE
(disappointed but firm)
Hampton. I think we both know that’s not true.
(SCENE: INT. ARCHIE’s Flat. Still in the tub.)
STALLION
You said, “No James, you can’t solve this mystery! You’re not smart enough!” and I just spiralled -
ARCHIE
No, I didn’t -
STALLION
But I did it! I solved it! And yes, sure, I did it to shove it in your face, and prove to myself that I could do something other than day drink and look fantastic while day drinking, but also… also for Hampton! He wanted to solve something, we solved something! It’s not my fault she was conning us from under our noses, right?
ARCHIE
Well, no–
STALLION
And even though I solved it, I just feel horrible! I mean, I don’t even want the reward for it! So why do I still feel like shit?!
ARCHIE
Well we don’t give a reward for this sort of thing, so -
STALLION
Right! So - wait, you don’t?
ARCHIE
No.
STALLION
So not only are you getting the credit for solving the case, but you’ll also get our payment?
ARCHIE
What payment are you even - James. There’s no payment. I get my salary. I get it whether I solve the case or not. But I can… I don’t know, take you to a museum or something?
STALLION
I don’t want a museum! I want compensation! Financial… monetary compensation!
ARCHIE
That’s not how it works! You get assigned a case. You solve the case, or you don’t - after a certain amount of time they really stop caring - you get assigned another case. Crime doesn’t stop, James.
STALLION
But you can make a dent! We made a dent, right?
(Beat.)
It just feels…empty. Does it always feel like this?
(ARCHIE takes a slow inhale and sighs. Weary.)
ARCHIE
Maybe for some people, no? A lot of the people I work with, definitely not. But I don’t think I’m one of those people. And I pray to whatever sort of god exists you aren’t either.
(Beat. They sit, both feeling more than a little lost.)
Christ, I hated Scotland Yard when we first met, remember? I hated the way they acted, I hated the way they went about their business. Hell, I still hate how terrified I am of what they might mean for us, for our life together. But after I solved that whole fiasco at the baking competition I thought: maybe I can fix it, maybe I can do it right. And so what if the work environment is terrible, and I don’t agree with 99% of the other officers, and I hate every second of being in that putrid building. But what else am I supposed to do? I’m not Sherlock bloody Holmes. I joined Scotland Yard because… I don’t know, because I thought maybe all they needed to get back on the right path was someone like me. And not just in the streets, but on every case, every process, every bit of paperwork. I just wanted to do it right. And on my first day, my first day as Inspector, I was the one who committed the largest injustice, just so I could keep my place there. I went through what I thought were the proper channels, and I was wrong. So maybe…I don’t know, maybe you and Madge and Hampton have the right idea.
STALLION
You said it yourself, no one would have believed us anyway. Archie, you didn’t even believe we could do this.
(ARCHIE shifts in the bath, leans forward. Reaches out. This is important.)
ARCHIE
James. Look at me.
(After a moment, STALLION does, reluctantly.)
When we first met, I saw this man in a flashy coat and a hand-me-down ascot and I knew, I just knew: this man can do absolutely anything he sets his mind to. And fortunately for me, that night, what he happened to have his mind set on was me.
STALLION
It was technically the tea cakes you baked for the party–
ARCHIE
Noted. The point being: I would not love you the way I do if I didn’t think you could do anything in the world. I just thought that, this time, you may have been doing it for the wrong reasons.
(Beat. They see each other.)
STALLION
We really mucked this up, didn’t we?
ARCHIE
Yes, we did. And now you and Hampton are going to have to make it right.
STALLION
But–
ARCHIE
And if no one else believes you, you’ll just have to make your case so well that they have to. That’s what Holmes does.
(SCENE: Int 224B Baker Street)
(SOUND: FAWX puts his coat on and gets ready to leave.)
MADGE
Right, where ya off to now?
FAWX
(revving back up)
I don’t know. But I can’t be expected to sit around here ruminating on interpersonal partner-based disappointments. I need to be out in the field, journaling about how no one believes in me, or ingesting over the counter narcotics. That’s what Holmes does.
(He gets to the door, turns the knob.)
MADGE
Do you remember how we met?
(He freezes.)
FAWX
Of course I remember how we met, Madge, I’m a detective. Every detail of my life is stored away into a corresponding file cabinet in my mind where it may be used for future reference. Why do you ask?
MADGE
Alright. Pretend my mind is a mucky, old warehouse of horseshit. Tell me about it.
FAWX
Well… for the sake of this exercise…Fine, em, it was that winter Miss Witherbottom’s toffee biscuits went missing from the Christmas Day potluck. St. Aloysius’s. I was 7, you were… 10, I believe.
MADGE
Sounds about right. I was taller than the Year 12’s though. I remember that.
FAWX
That’s right, you were. And I recall everyone thought you’d stolen the biscuits because of that incident where Miss Witherbottom told you girls couldn’t go to college, and you called her an uneducated swill bucket who only got her job by sleeping with the chaplain.
MADGE
She made me do all the washing for the church for a year. Old twat.
FAWX
And I told them there was no way you’d done it because I’d noticed, through seeing you at the potluck every year, that you never touched the toffee biscuits. You preferred the Chocolate ones. And why wouldn’t you? They’re more popular, they’re objectively better, their disappearance would cause a much larger uproar, and you clearly weren’t the type to do things halfway. And of course, as usual, no one believed me. But then you pulled me aside after the service and told me that we were going to prove your innocence, and they’d all look like inbred cowpilchers for doubting us.
MADGE
My insults were so much more specific then.
FAWX
Everyone thought it was the funniest thing they’d ever seen.
MADGE
Two precocious kids playing detective, interviewing adults like we were the police. Great for us, must’ve been so annoying for them.
FAWX
But…then we found a trail of biscuit crumbs leading from the back door of the church. The door only accessible by the altar boys, which significantly narrowed our suspect list.
MADGE
And I deduced that from that list that only one of ‘em had the motive and love of mediocre biscuits to commit the crime.
FAWX
Johnny Maxwood.
MADGE
Johnny fucking Maxwood. Who, that very day, ripped a fart during mass so hard that he’d actually shit his robes and run off to the woods to live life as a hermit to avoid the humiliation-
FAWX
–and since the biscuits had been kept in the back room to cool before the potluck, they would’ve been directly in his path to escape and start his hermit life anew.
(They laugh together, quietly, fondly. Beat.)
MADGE
We had no fucking clue who Sherlock Holmes was, or The Times or The Standard. We just knew that we did something and we were good at it. And let’s be honest, we probably saved Johnny Maxwood from freezing to death in that makeshift tree trunk he called a cabin. And, at the very least, you saved me from another 6 months of laundry duty.
FAWX
That may be, but it’s quite a far cry from saving someone from the gallows..
MADGE
Alright sure, it ain’t exactly comparable but -
FAWX
Madge, there are just certain…expectations of what detectives should do, and be, and how people see them. What we were doing back then, in Ashford, it was great but it isn’t enough to make a difference anymore–
MADGE
Not enough to be famous, you mean.
FAWX
You know what, I suppose I do. Is it so wrong to want recognition for the things we do?
MADGE
No. It’s not. But can I ask you: in this whole fantasy Sherlock Holmes roleplay you’ve got going on, where do I fit in?
(He doesn’t answer. Has never really considered it.)
I get it, you’re Sherlock Holmes–eccentric detective with a penchant for only caring about himself, James is Watson–dashing, athletic, in an absolute sham of a marriage. What does that make me? Because once upon a time, we were partners, and somewhere along the way, I think I just became your landlady.
(This hangs for a moment. She’s not judgemental about it, just honest. She’d never really realised either.)
And it’s not like I meant to, I just…Look, long and short of it, Hampton, you are not Sherlock Holmes–
FAWX
(bitterly disappointed)
Yeah, got that, thanks.
MADGE
–and I think that’s fucking brilliant. He’s a genius, sure, but he’s also kind of a dick, he’s almost always high on - I don’t know, I guess it’s morphine now - and he’s absolutely ruined deerstalkers for the rest of us. You will never be him, the good or the bad. And we’re wasting our time trying to shove ourselves into their story when that story has never made room for people like us. So fuck them, and fuck that. Why can’t we just help people?
(Beat. Finally, we see the actual Hampton FAWX appear:)
FAWX
Who can we even help, Madge? Sarah didn’t come to us for help, she came to us because she chose the one weekend Holmes and Watson weren’t home to commit a robbery, because she knew no one else in town could solve the case. And it backfired on her. She was stuck with us.
MADGE
Yeah, and I think, unfortunately for her, she’s still stuck with us. So what are we gonna do about it?
FAWX
I–what can we do about it? Sarah admitted to the crime, she was the banker, she stole the jewels–for god’s sake, she returned the jewels! Who does that, returns to the scene of the robbery to return counterfeits of the thing she stole?
(Brain blast. Complete energy shift.)
Unless—she didn’t, did she.
(We’re with STALLION and ARCHIE as well, but no transition, the two scenes blending together like they’re all in the same room.)
STALLION
(starting to sober up, realising)
Right. Fuck. There’s obviously more to this, right? Why return the jewels if she knew they would just be discovered as fakes?
MADGE
(to FAWX)
Maybe she panicked?
ARCHIE
(to STALLION)
She thought we wouldn’t check?
FAWX
No…no, Sarah is smart, and more than that, she’s practical. If she returned those jewels, she knew they’d be checked–
STALLION
–and she was genuinely surprised that they were fake when we told her.
FAWX
She went to the Admiral’s Shanks with a mission, then. Why?
STALLION
Why return empty-handed to the criminal’s den where you were hired?
MADGE
Why risk us discovering the truth?
ARCHIE
What does your gut say, detective?
STALLION
The only explanation is…that she didn’t know they were fake. She was set up, the whole time.
FAWX
Whoever hired her, intended for her to take the fall for the theft, while they made away with the actual jewels!
MADGE
Her mother was just collateral damage. It was always supposed to be Sarah.
(We’re fully with STALLION and ARCHIE again.)
STALLION
Oh…my… god! I need to sober up and get over to Madge and Hampton’s.
ARCHIE
There he is.
(SOUND: STALLION stands up from the tub, he’s dripping.)
STALLION
Sarah’s innocent. Right? Right. Fuck, James. Great job on that.
ARCHIE
Well, I suppose it’s a good thing I didn’t take her into the station, then.
STALLION
What?!
ARCHIE
Already made that mistake once, thanks. Didn’t fancy making it again.
STALLION
But…how?
ARCHIE
I told McMurphy Scotland Yard was closed on Sundays. You know, for the Lord, and all. She’s staying in his guest room. I only bought us til the morning, but I have faith.
STALLION
Are you coming with?
ARCHIE
I’ll go over to check on her and make sure McMurphy isn’t trying out his one-man good cop/bad cop routine he keeps boasting about. I’m afraid this is all you, love. You should probably put some clothes on, though.
STALLION
Yes, good call. I’m going to clothe myself, sober up, then head off to Baker Street, because Archie, my dear… There are more games to foot.
(He goes out the door, sopping wet, peeks his head back in.)
Oh, and inspector?
ARCHIE
Yes?
STALLION
The moustache is starting to work.
ARCHIE
I know.
(SCENE: INT. 224B Baker St.)
MADGE
Alright then Hampton, let’s go! I’ll get my coat. Then we’ll find James and get to work.
FAWX
Oh no. There’s no need for James here. We can solve this one on our own. You and me. Hampton and Madge. You just said it, why wait around for someone who doesn’t even want to be here.
MADGE
Didn’t think I put it quite like that.
FAWX
No, we solve this without James, and we show him exactly what he deserves.
(TRANSITIONAL MUSIC: Victorian inspirational music hits a crescendo and ends.)
(SOUND: STALLION walks alone down a dark street. Owls hoot in the distance. Real atmospheric shit.)
(SCENE: EXT. A dark street in London. 3am.)
STALLION
Goddammit I’m so energised I’m not even cold at -
(SOUND: The wind blows.)
I stand corrected, wind.
(Suddenly: silence.)
Thank you!
(He continues walking. A large shadow emerges behind him. STALLION feels the hairs on the back of his neck stand. He turns.)
Hello?
(The street is dark and still. Nothing).
Right. Creepy street. Classic creepy street.
(SOUND: Something heavy, like a body, gets tossed into a line of trashcans.)
Good sweet galloping fuck! What was that?
(SOUND: a voice wheezing.)
H-hello? Sir, are you alright? I want to be completely transparent, even though I have the card, I do not know CPR so…
(STALLION approaches the body.)
I know you…
(SOUND: The man wheezes, trying to say something…)
No, no. Don’t speak if it’s going to be too difficult. I… George? Is that right? George Kensignton from The Admiral’s Shanks. James Stallion, I met you before. Gave you a shilling for a compliment? What… happened to you?
GEORGE
(struggling)
Help me…
STALLION
Yes? I know I said you could relax before but if this is the difference between imperative information coming out too late or just in time to save both of us I'm going to need you to spit it out, George.
GEORGE
Th… Th… The Go…
STALLION
The…
(SOUND: A trash can gets knocked over, this time right next to STALLION. His eyes go wide as he sees the source of the shadow in front of him…)
Oh god, it’s You!
CREDITS
End of Part Eight.