INT: Brattleboro Toy Factory. London. Midnight. 1891

A man runs toward us, in a hurry, almost collides with the desk. He opens the drawer and starts rummaging through. Doesn’t find what he’s looking for. He slams the drawer shut, and moves on to another drawer.

FAWX

(narration)

I used to think there was nowhere in the world more exciting than London, England, in the year 1889. But then…the future came… 

SPECTRE

(to himself)

Mallet, Mallet, who’s got the  …ah! There you are…

The SPECTRE starts assembling something at the desk, using the mallet. Hurried. Frenzied, even.

FAWX

(narration) 

Because now I can say with absolute certainty that there is nowhere more exciting than London, England, in the year 1891. Although I suppose “exciting” may be too swashbuckling a word. 

SPECTRE

(to himself)

Bit more glue to keep you in place, yeah? There we are, my sweet. Now ya not goin’ nowhere…

FAWX

(narration)

Years ago–two, you might say–I would have happily dropped dead in a fashionably and frustratingly unsolvable way to get to where I am now. But that isn’t the point of this story. No, this story is more like that old adage–you know the one: Be careful what you wish for…you just…might–

MADGE

(hushed)

Oi! 

WHOOSH. Suddenly we’re with FAWX in real life–squished in a barrel on a stakeout in the Brattleboro Toy Factory with MADGE. It’s not comfortable, there’s definitely only room enough for one.

Knob job, keep still! I’m getting elbows from all angles like a debutante’s pin cushion.

FAWX

Well I’m sorry, Madge, but how else do you suppose I discreetly dictate our di–de… hmm - 

MADGE

Can’t think of another ‘D’ word, can you?

FAWX

Gah, if only I could stretch my body and my brain!

MADGE

Yeah, really is a single-occupancy barrel kinda situation, ey?

FAWX

Ey, indeed. We just need to remain calm and remember that the only reason we are hiding in this barrel is to remain surreptitiously out of sight from our Slippery Spectre until James arrives with the kerosene. That’s the plan, and we stick to the plan.

MADGE

Two years solving every missing puppy case in London, now we’re hiding out in barrels in a toy factory. After hours. It’s upward mobility but it’s gauche, really. 

SPECTRE

(outside the barrel, muffled)

Now for the finishing touches, my beauty… 

MADGE

Did you hear that? ‘Finishing touches’! We’ve got to spring this trap now!

FAWX

No! Not until James gets here with the highly slippery kerosene oil, lays down a slippery sheet, we flank our Salisbury Spectre causing him to - 

MADGE

Hampton, do not say ‘slip’, you already used it and you know how I feel about alliteration.

FAWX

I do, and dare to decidedly disagree. How can you hate alliteration?

MADGE

It’s creatively inert! Oh cheers, you can expound on one letter? Here’s your pension and a sash. 

FAWX

(sad)

But Rule of Threes, Madge.

MADGE

Are we detectives or a back alley puppeteering act, Hampton? Because there are different rules for those jobs.

SPECTRE

(outside the barrel)

Ohh, Oh yes, you gorgeous…They won’t know what hit ‘em when they see you… 

SPECTRE laughs an evil-sounding laugh. 

MADGE

Right, Hampton, no time to argue - 

FAWX

But I wasn’t - !

MADGE

-we gotta act now.

FAWX

But James - !

MADGE

It’s not my fault he’s taking longer than my first orgasm. Now, I say we bust out of this barrel and brazenly bonk his backside til bob’s your uncle and biddy’s your nan.

FAWX

(smug)

“Creatively inert”?

MADGE

Shove off. Now, are we doing this or what?

FAWX

Wait! James assured us he’d be arriving here at the Brattleboro Toy Factory at midnight sharp.

MADGE

And what time is it now?

FAWX

(Struggling)

It’s… Actually… the barrel’s too dark - I can’t see my timepiece.

MADGE

Here.

MADGE strikes a match. It illuminates the inside of the barrel for the first time. 

Alright, what time are we looking at?

FAWX

38 past… well that can’t be right, because that would mean that he’s– 

MADGE

(quiet urgency)

Uh, Hampton.

FAWX

What?

MADGE

Do you know what type of barrel this is?

FAWX

No.

MADGE

So you don’t know what’s pooled at the bottom of our feet?

FAWX

No…?

MADGE

And don’t you think it looks and smells suspiciously like kerosene oil?

FAWX

(very small)

…No?

A beat that smash cuts into a PERSPECTIVE SHIFT to outside of the barrel–we’re in the SPECTRE’S pov. FAWX and MADGE start panicking simultaneously, muffled from within. 

MADGE

Fuck, fuck, put it out, Hampton!

FAWX

I am TRYING if you will–OWWWW!

A struggle, and the top of the barrel bursts open! The SPECTRE startles. HAMPTON and MADGE are now standing, clearly visible.

SPECTRE

Uh….

A long, awkward moment. 

FAWX

Umm… Yes, hello. I’m afraid, Mr. Salisbury Spectre, your days of -

Wordlessly, the SPECTRE starts running.

MADGE

Your gotchas are too long, now he’s getting away!

FAWX

Right. Stop! In the name of - 

MADGE

What name has ever stopped anyone from doing anything. Quick, get out of the barrel!

MADGE and FAWX get out of the barrel, FAWX with more difficulty.

FAWX

Whoa - Madge –

MADGE

My legs are longer, it makes sense that I get out first!

FAWX

But I think the barrel might - AHHH!

MADGE knocks the barrel over on her exit, FAWX still inside.

Fall over. 

MADGE

Oh! Great idea, Hampton, roll the barrel in front of the Spectre and we’ve got him - 

FAWX

Excellent point, Madge but I’m still in the BAARRRRRRELLLLL!

MADGE kicks the barrel with FAWX still in it, it goes rolling. The following dialogue bounces back and forth between MADGE’s calm and FAWX’s panic with increasing speed. 

SPECTRE

You’ll never catch me, Barrel Fiends! Ha HA!

MADGE 

That’s what you think, you creepy sonofabitch. C’mon, Hampton.

FAWX

(in the barrel, rolling)

Ahhh!!!

MADGE

Almost there….

FAWX

AHHHHH!!!!

MADGE

Bit further…

FAWX

AHHHHH NO!

BOOM! The barrel hits the SPECTRE and he goes tumbling with a yelp.

FAWX

AHHHHH!!!

SPECTRE

OHHHHHHH!!!!

The barrel and the SPECTRE hit a large wooden door. The barrel breaks.

MADGE

Sorry Spectre, Stay down. Wait, do I like alliteration now?

FAWX

(woozy, from the ground)

Did we get…? 

The front door bursts open! Tons of activity. In the doorway, James STALLION stands at the front of a crowd of journalists and spectators, probably backlit and looking great.

STALLION

Here we are!

FAWX/MADGE

James?!

STALLION

Right this way gentlemen. I believe you’ll see the Salisbury Spectre has been… 

A wink:

Seized.

The crowd laughs knowingly. The STANDARD REPORTER notably says “Alliteration!” 

TIMES REPORTER

Madge Stallion, Madge Stallion over here!

STANDARD REPORTER

Is it true you’ve been staked out in a barrel for over 3 weeks to apprehend the Salisbury Spectre?

SPECTACLE REPORTER

 How easy was it to come up with the plan all by yourself: a breeze or a piece of cake? 

TIMES REPORTER

Yeah, Madge, is it true that the only way to catch a criminal is on a womanly diet of leafy greens, piano lessons, and chamomile tea?! 

MADGE

No, no, and fuck no but - 

STALLION

What my daring and fashionable wife, Madge Stallion, means of course is: “How do you like your criminals caught? Because we prefer rare. Medium Rare.” And the way she catches them is the rarest way she can: The Stallion Way. 

The REPORTERS all uproar. STALLION jaunts over to FAWX and MADGE.

FAWX

What the…?

STALLION

(under his breath, to them)

Go with it and don’t say anything you wouldn’t want in print, I’ll explain later.

To the crowd:

Take one good look and you’ll find the Salisbury Spectre to be none other than…

He rips off the SPECTRE’s mask.

EVERYONE

Romulus Brattleboro!

SPECTACLE REPORTER

The owner of the Brattleboro Toy Factory?

FAWX

(attempting to get a word in)

The very same -

TIMES REPORTER

Speak up!

STALLION

The very same!

STANDARD REPORTER

Quite right! So, Mrs. Stallion, how’d you solve it? 

MADGE

Uhh… alright, well. I mean it just kinda made sense didn’t it? Who else would have keys to the factory after dark? 

FAWX

I mean, there was more than that. In fact, if you trace the tax ledgers–

STALLION

Romulus Brattleboro was distraught when one of his mysterious benefactors at Dilladombromcasterwitz & Assoc. pulled the plug on his line of Spider Children plastic dolls and he wanted to get revenge. Of the ghoulish variety. 

FAWX

Well, it’s a bit more emotionally nuanced than–

SPECTRE

The Arachni-Lads were to be the toys of the future! What good does one lonely child have for a doll with two legs?! They could have eight! They could have EIIIIIIIIIGGGGHHTTTTTTT!

STALLION

Clearly you know nothing about children, dolls, or the childish sensibilities that connect the two.

MADGE

Also they looked completely deranged. I mean look at this thing… 

She holds up an Arachni-Lad doll, pulls the cord. It recites mechanically:

ARACHNI-LAD

Hold me, Mummy… Don’t make me cry…

The doll begins to cry and immediately short circuits.

MADGE

Tell me your child wouldn’t grow up to be on a Wanted Poster with that creepy fuck sleeping in their bed next to them.

The crowd laughs.

What… Are you [laughing at me]--

TIMES REPORTER

Oh classic Mrs. Stallion. Can I quote you on that?

MADGE

The Standard can print swears now?

TIMES REPORTER

I’m with The Times.

MADGE

Then by all means.

STALLION

Gentlemen, gentlemen! I think that is more than enough excitement for one night. My lovely wife and I must retire. Never too late to put a dent in the newest Standard and/or Times Bestseller. 

STANDARD REPORTER

And how are you liking The Picture of Dorian Gray?

STALLION

Is that number 1? 

TIMES REPORTER

It is. 

STALLION

My favorite book and picture! But just know this: No matter the crime, big or small, Fawx & Stallions are on the case, providing heroism and inspiration for children across all quadrants of consumer backgrounds!

As STALLION has finally said his name, FAWX takes the opportunity:

FAWX

And as one third of the detective team–the Fawx third–I would like to say–

SPECTACLE REPORTER

Madge, do you have a statement about Sherlock Holmes? 

Beat. This is FAWX’s trigger word.

FAWX

Right, actually - 

STALLION

(intercepting, perhaps physically)

At this time we -

FAWX

This team actually has no statements about Sherlock Holmes, and we never have, and I dare say we never will. 

It seems as if he’s taken the high road for once–STALLION is pleasantly surprised.

STALLION

Yes. Precisely! We have no comments at this time so– 

FAWX can’t help himself.

FAWX

In fact, for the past two years, while Sherlock Holmes and John Watson have been galavanting nonstop off to Dartmoor, and Surrey, and - what was it this week -Switzerland, Fawx & Stallions have been putting in the work. Helping people, no questions asked–and on a sliding pay scale!  

STALLION

(ok, great, please stop there)

Right, and with that–

FAWX

Because we care about the cases we solve, and the people we solve them for. So if Sherlock Holmes has a problem with what we’ve done here tonight–

STALLION

Gonna need to st[op you there]–

FAWX

–beating him at his own game, just one time, and mind you, doing it without the help of nepotism, cocaine, or stupid hats - that do nothing for his face shape, I might add! If he has a problem with that he can come down here, look his own inevitable irrelevance - alliteration intended - right in the face, and shove it back up his own mystery-hogging rump! So tell me: what exactly has he done that could possibly warrant a statement from us?!

SPECTACLE REPORTER

He died. 

A beat. A long, LONG beat...

FAWX

Huh. 

Another beat. Then, from next to him:

MADGE

And May his memory be a blessing.

CREDITS

Piano music plays, funerial. It’s raining. LUCIUS Peppermint–a stately yet theatrical man in his late 40s with a noticeable Transylvanian accent–is giving a speech before a somber and rather sizable crowd. His voice amplified.

LUCIUS

On May the 4th, in the year of our lord 1891, Sherlock Holmes, consulting detective, left us. Metaphorically, yes, but also Literally, off the cliffs of the Reichenbach Falls at great velocity, plummeting to the waters and spike-ed rocks below, again, in a very literal way. When I–Lucius Peppermint, entrepreneur–first heard the news of Mr Holmes’s death, I thought: why? Why would someone of such import, such value, such cultural significance, be taken from us. And how? How could we possibly do service to the legacy of this extraordinary man, or should I say, to many of us,  this extraordinary friend. 

The music changes, builds, a full on eulogy, like the in memoriam segment at an awards show–still tasteful but like, just a little much, guys.

London can often feel like a vast, divided populace, but today I see a crowd, all in black or at least muted fall tones, united. Mourning the man who taught us the value of science, of reason, and of true friendship. So again I ask, How? How can we do right by his memory the way he - in all his infinite wisdom - would have wanted? It is this question that kept me up at night for one whole night, several weeks ago. And for those long six hours of insomniatic penance, I grappled with Wisdom. With Myth. With Legacy. Would he want a publicly funded school erected in his honor to teach the next generation of detectorial minds? A full reform of our justice system that actually helps combat bias against the working class, women, and other people society doesn’t give a rip about? The firing of two-thirds of the London police force according to the exact list he provided in his will? Solid-to-Excellent options all, but then…it came to me. What Sherlock Holmes would want most…

He holds, for drama. 

..is a bit of good, old-fashioned family fun! 

The music begins to morph, changing into a bright, upbeat, welcoming theme-park jingle. Rain stops, was that fake rain? Well, it’s a sunny day now! We are in: 

EXT. 2 2 Fun B Merriment Park (and Memorial)! Entrance courtyard. The sound of a waterfall in the distance begins to creep in.  

And that is why we are all here today, for the Exclusive Press Preview of London’s first consulting-detective-themed amusement park: Two Two Fun B Merriment Park (and Memorial)! 

A brief musical sting, fuck yeah, this pianist is going for it. 

Located on what used to be the only standing monument to the Anglo-Turkish War (we think), Two-Two-Fun B contains everything necessary to provide the best possible mourning experience to the people of London–as well as some fun attractions for the little ones! But don’t take my word for it! May I welcome some of the performers from our brand new dinner theatre show: The Dancing Men Revue! Put your hands together for “Sherlock Holmes” and “Doctor John Watson”!

Applause and wacky vaudeville music - something Benny Hill-esque. Two ACTORS (DENNIS and Thomas RAKE), playing Holmes and Watson, dance onstage.

ACTOR WATSON (DENNIS)

Well, I do say, Holmes, why would you bring an umbrella on a sunny day like this?

ACTOR HOLMES (RAKE)

Because my dear Watson, the rain’s afoot.

An obviously fake clap of thunder, the audience is somewhat amused, one guy fucking loves it. 

ACTOR WATSON

But Holmes, just cuz there’s a little thunder, that don’t mean it’s gonna rain. It don’t take a secondary school education to know that.

ACTOR HOLMES

Oh I wouldn’t say a secondary school education, my dear Watson, I’d say… elementary!

The audience is warming into it. That one guy is losing it.

ACTOR WATSON

(good-natured blustering)

Oh Gee Robinson, Holmes!

The audience laughs a bit more. No one cares that “gee Robinson” is not a real catchphrase. 

Where am I going to find a new jacket and bowler at this time of night?!

ACTOR HOLMES

Fantastic question, my dear Watson! At any of 2 2 Fun B Merriment Park & Memorial’s fine gift establishments and eateries! They’re the answers to all your mysteries, or my name isn’t Sherlock Holmes!

Stage-whispered:

And it is. 

ACTOR WATSON

Anything? What about a new set of wellies?

ACTOR HOLMES

The fine shoe makers at “A Sandal in Bohemia” will fit your feet.

ACTOR WATSON

A place to put my newly-sandaled feet up?

ACTOR HOLMES

Check for vacancies at the “Veiled Lodger Lodge”.

ACTOR WATSON

What about a nice, simple cuppa? 

ACTOR HOLMES

There’s a Beryl Cornetto and Wat-scone waiting for you at the Moriar-tea House–just don’t take too long of a Nap–oleon of Crime! 

The crowd laughs, now fully bought in. They love these guys. The guy who was loving it feels so vindicated that everyone else loves them.

A WHOOSH as we shift focus to the audience–the actors onstage are doing a dance break, but we hear it at a distance–we’re with FAWX and MADGE who talk in low voices amongst the crowd. 

MADGE

Do you think his students still had to turn in their papers?

FAWX

Who?

MADGE

Moriarty. He was, like, a proper Maths professor, right? Can you imagine? Show up on Monday–sorry, no class, prof just chucked that detective from the papers off a cliff. 

FAWX

We’re at a memorial, Madge. 

MADGE

I mean, technically, we’re at an amusement park with a light memorial dusting--

FAWX

(chiding)

Madge.

MADGE

Fine... 

Back to the actors: 

ACTOR WATSON

Well odds my little life. Is there any mystery 22 Fun B Merriment Park & Memorial can’t answer with a gift establishment or eatery?

ACTOR SHERLOCK

Hmm… Perhaps where you got that bowtie.

ACTOR WATSON

My bow- ohhhhh Holmes!

Back with MADGE and HAMPTON–against his will, MADGE’s sidebar has gotten to him.

FAWX

Wasn’t Moriarty in his 80s? 

MADGE

I’m so glad we’re back on this–yes! I feel like everyone’s focusing on the criminal mastermind part and not on his lanky little bird bones. Just saying, I’m Sherlock Holmes, I fight an octogenarian and tie? Wouldn’t hear me bragging about it. 

LUCIUS

(from the stage, off the audience’s fresh round of applause)

How about them, eh? Uncanny resemblance, in fact now that I look at ‘em, maybe even a bit more attractive than the real thing. Isn’t that just showbiz for you, eh? The Dancing Men Revue performs every odd hour, on the odd hour. Now before I go on, I’d like to introduce my business partner - 

FAWX

Oh, I think this is him! 

LUCIUS

Mr James Stallion!

Applause. STALLION goes to the podium.

STALLION

Apparently I don’t need an introduction–but I do love one! For those of you with only Times subscriptions–it’s alright, there’s still time to change–my name is James Stallion. Yes, that James Stallion of the famous consulting Detective trio, Fawx & Stallions, as well as the man who currently holds the patent for the pocket-sized wax cylinder, the disposable teacup, and the collapsable house plant–and the head of operations for 2 2 Fun B Merriment Park & Memorial’s flagship restaurant: The Hard Rocks Cafe. Located in the lovely Reichenbach section of the park on a to-scale replica of the famous rocks and gravity path that took the soul from our favorite con-soul-ting detective, The Hard Rocks Cafe stands as a labor of love, and catharsis, for all who are lucky enough to enter. But this isn’t about exceptional amusement park cuisine. Or me. Or even my inimitable business partner, Soon-to-Be-Sir Lucius Peppermint. No, today is about You. All of you who have a story to tell about the way Sherlock Holmes has touched you. And no story may be more important than that of my dear wife–the detective who co-caught the Salisbury Spectre and saved the integrity of children' s toy design for another day. The future of London-based consulting detection, and a true fashion icon, if I do say (and style) so myself: It is my great pleasure to introduce: Madge Stallion!

Raucous applause. The journalists and crowd turn towards where MADGE and FAWX are in the audience, clamoring:

STANDARD REPORTER/SPECTACLE REPORTER

Mrs. Stallion! Mrs. Stallion!/Madge, Madge over here!

TIMES REPORTER

As the hot new detective on the scene, what do you think Sherlock Holmes could have done better with his time on earth? 

STANDARD REPORTER

Care to comment on John Watson’s lackluster eulogy at Holmes’ funeral last month? 

SPECTACLE REPORTER

How do you feel about the weather? As a concept?

STALLION

And also, I’m happy to introduce Hampton Fawx!

Silence. MADGE gives a little “woo.” 

TIMES REPORTER

I think you mean Hampton ‘Faux’? [pronounced “foe”] 

FAWX

(from the crowd, speaking up)

Ah ha ha, yes, but actually, he does not! That “F-A-U-X” was nothing more than an unfortunate and ill-timed misprint–

STALLION

Ugh, The Times, am I right? 

TIMES REPORTER

I’m from the Times. 

 STALLION

(pivoting)

Well, he is considering a rebrand! Isn’t that right? 

 FAWX

I–

STALLION

Exactly! We’ll be issuing a statement on his new name shortly!

FAWX

…I’m happy to give a quote on the weather? 

Silence. A lady sneezes.

Ok. 

Back to the speeches. LUCIUS continues from the stage as STALLION moves to join FAWX and MADGE in the audience.

LUCIUS

Thank you, Mr Stallion, that was…delightful. Delightful. And once again, out of all whooping, Delightful. And on that note! We still have a few surprises in store for you all. Because, as VIP guests and members of the press you not only get the first opportunity to grieve and to sustain said grief with nibbles from our 4-star-review-pending restaurant, you’re also privy to a presentation from a very special guest…

Hubbub of excitement.

Not that one! He is, in fact, still very much dead.

Awwws from the crowd. One “drat.”

But how do we feel about his less notable half? That’s right, the man who first called us to attend the tale! The finest medical professional this side of the Strand’s editorial paywall and the one remaining member of the duo still legally able to give us an endorsement. Dr. John Watson!

Huge cheers! Dies down but no Watson yet, Lucius covers: 

D- Doctor Watson was kind enough to take a few hours out of his incredibly busy Mourning Tour and, despite evidence to the contrary, his very much still open private practice, to share a few words about his good friend with us today, as well as a reading from Mr. Holmes’s final words, delivered via personal note at those fateful falls. So without further ado, shall I introduce– 

Swiftly running footsteps track up the stairs to LUCIUS, drawing his focus.

Apologies, excuse the brief interruption, all. 

The very harried person the feet belong to, WEATHERBY, draws him aside and whispers intently, worriedly to him. We hear “not here.”

Right, well. That’s not ideal, is it? 

WEATHERBY

(whisper that sounds vaguely like:)

No, it’s not.

STALLION arrives in the crowd with FAWX and MADGE. The musician vamps in the corner.

STALLION

And how are the other two thirds of London’s new number one detective agency on this brilliant day? 

LUCIUS

(from the stage, faintly)

Right, well, this is embarrassing, I had a whole thing, the Speckled Band were supposed to take it off my cue–it’s fine. 

MADGE

Oh, you know. Thinking about what my resting face looks like for the first time in my life. 

STALLION

And might I say, those exercises I taught you are working, you’ve transitioned from tempestuously uneasy to a casual nonchalance that is really quite radiant. 

LUCIUS

(from the stage)

It’s fine just - take care of it.

WEATHERBY

(whisper that sounds vaguely like:)

Of course, Mr. Peppermint, I’ll get right on it. 

LUCIUS

Ladies, gents, and all the rest, no need to furrow those brows, Dr. John is just… well, he’s finding the events of the evening as overwhelming and emotional as they were intended so it may be just a few minutes longer, but don’t you worry. Ms. Weatherby here, is gonna go check on him.

WEATHERBY

Yes, hi, hello, my name is Elizabeth Weatherby and it is an honor to have you all here at the -

LUCIUS

Ms. Weatherby is our official Chancellor of Fun here at the park - she’ll make sure he’s feeling the merriment a bit more. Remember folks, grief takes many shapes and many stages, and even if it fudges with a schedule here or there, we’re only human. So, Weatherby, now, please. 

STALLION

Here, while Lucius is covering with the press, I wanted to make myself available to answer any and all amaze-ed inquiries you had about the park. Hampton, you first. Let’s start with a compliment. 

FAWX

James, isn’t this a bit…garish? 

STALLION

Yeah, makes the heart flutter and the knees quake, doesn’t it? 

FAWX

Was that the intent?

MADGE

Gonna take a quick guess here based on those context clues, how many of these attractions here have you and Archie done the ol’ Liverpool Do-Si-Do in so far? 

STALLION

Ever since I appointed him head chef at the Hard Rocks Cafe? Honestly, I’ve lost count–I mean, the Lodge first, the knife throwing range–

MADGE

Silver Blades? 

STALLION

Yup, day three. 

FAWX

(dismayed)

Surely not the Pound of the Baskervilles adoption center? 

STALLION

I’m so sorry, but yes, clearly. 

LUCIUS

-And our newest addition to the park, down the path to your left, you’ll see a testament to the years of friendship between Holmes and Watson, The Tunnel of Brotherly Love. 

FAWX and MADGE turn wordlessly to STALLION.

STALLION

I mean, do I even need to say. 

FAWX

Fine, and congratulations or whatever–

STALLION

Thank you. 

FAWX

But I still do find it odd, James, that you’ve invested money in a theme park about Sherlock Holmes when you’re a part of a rival detective team.

STALLION

Hampton, how many times do I have to tell you, I didn’t invest in 2 2 Fun B Baker Merriment Park (and Memorial) because it was about Sherlock Holmes. I invested in 2 2 Fun B Baker Merriment Park (and Memorial) because when an entrepreneurial guru like Lucius Peppermint asks you to go in on a project with him, you invest. Do I need to remind you this is the man who came up with the most famous Charles Dickens themed restaurant chain in North London?

FAWX

Sure, and while I love Great ExPORKtations as a concept, even you have to admit it’s not exactly the pinnacle of fine swine dining that it purports itself to be.

MADGE

Not to mention that stupid gimmick where the servers get paid by the word. My last meal there took 3 hours. And I was alone!

STALLION

That is because Lucius Peppermint doesn’t invest in porky dinner huts, he invests in experiences. 

A wealthy woman in her late 20s, PRUDENCE, pushes her way through the crowd behind MADGE.

PRUDENCE

Oh my god, Madge?

MADGE

Jesus! You’d think in a crowd people wouldn’t be able to sneak up on ya, and yet…

PRUDENCE

It’s been ages!

MADGE

(no idea who this woman is)

Totally, ages since the…thing we met at! That was absolutely cracking, right?

PRUDENCE

So cracking–you look great!

MADGE

Yeah, well, ya know, overnight mega-success and washing your face will do that to ya. 

A beat. PRUDENCE is waiting for MADGE to ask about her.

Oh. Right. Uh, so do… you? Or how…how are you? With the….

STALLION

“Baby,” it’s a 50% chance. 

FAWX

“Dog,” other 50% chance. 

MADGE

–little one? 

FAWX/STALLION

Smart.

PRUDENCE

Oh, so good. Actually you stay right there–I’ll be right back!

MADGE

Can’t wait. 

PRUDENCE pushes her way through the crowd the way she came.

Right, who the fuck was that and can we go? 

STALLION

Prudence Davenport, 3rd daughter of Admiral Davenport of the Shropshire Davenports. Father invented the culinary tweezer. 

FAWX

Huh. I always thought tweezers were Mesopotamian.

STALLION

They were–until Admiral Davenport came along... 

MADGE

No… that’s Prudence? I didn’t even recognize her. Last time we spoke she had that awful fringe and asked me to join her quilting club and I called her a milk-faced twat. How did I forget that?

FAWX

To be fair, it was your wedding day, you called everyone a twat. 

MADGE

Well that was my right as the bride. 

STALLION

You invited someone you barely remember to our wedding?

MADGE

Whole day’s sort of a blur. Honestly, I barely remember if Hampton was there.

FAWX

Wha - Of course, I was - !

PRUDENCE returns with a baby.

PRUDENCE

Here’s my daughter! 

All three react to the baby with “awww”s of varying degrees of earnestness- most to least: Fawx, Stallion, Madge.

Go on, say hello!

The baby says nothing, as relative newborns tend to do.

MADGE

Real prodigy on your hands, I see.

FAWX

What’s her name?

PRUDENCE

Madge!

MADGE

No, the baby’s name. 

PRUDENCE

Exactly. Madge. 

MADGE

No, I’m Madge. 

PRUDENCE

So is the baby! 

MADGE

Wait, really?

PRUDENCE

Yes! Ever since I was a little girl, I always dreamed of naming my child after a detective. You know, someone who would make a real difference in the world. But then unfortunately we– 

Lowers her voice: 

–had a girl–  

STALLION

Oh no…

FAWX

Dreadful shame.

MADGE

Hate when that happens.

PRUDENCE

–Thank you, and I thought, what was even the point of those 9 months of absolute misery if this was my reward? 

MADGE

Sure.

PRUDENCE

But then–you came along! 

MADGE

Literally been here for years, but I can see why you’d think that.

PRUDENCE

My husband almost went bankrupt over all of the train-themed clothes he’d bought expecting a boy, but what can you do. We’re hoping it inspires her to solve Train-Related Crimes. I do so love a locomotive. When do you think you two will be having a baby? 

STALLION

Oh I was kicked by a horse as a child so…I don’t really…

MADGE

Womb’s haunted.

PRUDENCE

…Oh. 

MADGE

And, I mean–don’t wanna take the risk - whole flat’s Train-themed, so…! 

PRUDENCE

But -

STALLION

(shuttling her back into the crowd)

And on that note, why don’t you chugga chugga your way back to the crowd and enjoy choo choo one B! I think you can, I think you can and… thank you so much! Gift shop’s by the exit. 

PRUDENCE

(fading into the distance)

God bless you, Madge Stallion! God bless you!

MADGE

(quick)

Yeah, I don’t believe in that, but generous thought!

To STALLION:

Sweet Christ on a Biscuit, that was a bit five shits on Sunday, right?

STALLION

Tacky. 

MADGE

Right? Embarrassing!

FAWX

I thought she seemed quite nice, actually -

STALLION

Although, she makes a compelling point– did you know, since Holmes died there’s been a 75% increase in popularity of the name Madge, and a nearly 80% increase in parents being able to love their female daughters? Only one logical reason for that!

MADGE

Right…well, that is certainly…a lot to kick around the ol’ noggin. Existentially.  

FAWX

Are you alright? You just started sweating an awful lot.

MADGE

Of course! I’m fine! And it’s not sweat - it’s a new makeup. It’s called “Glisten”. It glistens. And…activates in the sun.

FAWX

When did you start wearing makeup?

MADGE

Right around the time you crawled up my arse and died, Hampton!

FAWX

Jesus! 

MADGE

I’m sorry, I don’t know why I said that. It’s hot, everyone is looking at us, except for that creepy fuck who’s been carefully not looking at us for 10 minutes and it’s really throwing me for a loop!

FAWX

Since who - what now?

FITZY, a dry, no-nonsense Irish reporter from the EVENING SUN, appears behind FAWX. It’s unclear how long he’s been there. 

FITZY

I believe she’s referring to me.

FAWX

Ahhh! We’re under attack!

FITZY

Oh! Apologies for startling you - I only just arrived -

MADGE

Nah nah nah nah Pfffff. Listen, lurker-loo, just because you ain’t in the bushes no more doesn’t mean we buy that you “just arrived”, savvy?

STALLION

(under his breath)

Madge, he’s press.

MADGE

Oh yeah? What gave that away? The child-sized notebook in his hand?

STALLION

Yes, actually! Charming to meet you, Mr–?

FITZY

Mrs. Stallion, I’m from the Evening Sun. I was hoping you wouldn’t mind answering some queries for me.

STALLION

And I would love for her to answer those queries however any and all interviews must be arranged through me. I’m Mr - 

FITZY

James Stallion. I’m aware of who you are.

STALLION

Well, I’m… flattered. Thank you very much. But I still must insist all inquiries -

FITZY

Mrs. Stallion, do you have anything to say to your legions of female fans? 

MADGE

Well. I’m not sure there are “legions” of–

STALLION

Actually in the past 48 hours your fanbase status has been upgraded in the Times from “Throngs” to “Legions”.

FAWX

I thought they were still listed as “horde”.

STALLION

We went from “Horde” to “Throngs” weeks ago, Hampton, keep up. Now we are at “Legions”--make sure you get that down, we don’t want another “Hampton’s name” situation.

FAWX

Hey-!

FITZY

(pushing on)

Do you have anything to say to your–

STALLION/FITZY

Legions 

FITZY

–of Female Fans?

MADGE

Right. Umm. Well, y’know. Feminism. Girl power. Suffragette…ism? 

FITZY

Do you mean women’s suffrage? 

MADGE

Yes, that one. 

FITZY

Right, and what are your thoughts on that? 

MADGE

That…it’s definitely something we should be talking about. I think we women have been suffraging long enough, ya know? About time we got to talking about it…et cetera. 

FITZY

Illuminating, thank you.  

FITZY flips his little book closed. FAWX takes the opening and butts in.

FAWX

You know, I’m happy to talk about women’s suffrage. Also. I actually have a lot of thoughts!

FITZY

Mr Faux– [pronounced “foe”]

FAWX

See, actually it’s “Fawx,” F-A-W-X, they misprinted my name and if they’re going to misrepresent that then… you know, how can we trust what they say I said? 

FITZY

I do have to be going, and I think just about we got what we needed with your last statement, actually, it was perfect. 

FAWX

Right, but it wasn’t perfect, was it? I know that, you know that, we all know that. So having also been there to save the children of London from spider-based terror, I think I perhaps deserve another chance on the record. 

Beat. FITZY considers him for a moment and then flips his little book back open.

FITZY

Well… Dr. Watson didn’t show up to our interview this morning—

FAWX

I would never do that to you.

FITZY

–so I have a paragraph or two to fill. And I do have a few questions for you, if you’ve got a moment. 

FAWX

Yes! Of course! So many moments! Any amount of time you need in order to clear the–

FITZY

Would you care to comment on the allegations that in the year 1887, a total of 10 pounds - traced to your address on Baker Street - were donated to various Anti-Orphan Hate Groups and Freemason Defamation Gangs under the name Sherlock Holmes? 

FAWX

Um….pass. 

FITZY flips a page.

FITZY

How about reports that, in 1888, you submitted a nineteen page op-ed to the Times referring to the now-deceased Sherlock Holmes as, quote, “the clear and obvious prime suspect in the Jack the Ripper murders”? 

FAWX

So they did get it. 

FITZY

Finally, would you care to comment on rumours that you stood glaring out your front window at 221B on so many consecutive nights that you briefly became featured in a ghost tour of London as the belligerent spirit of a choleric schoolchild?

Beat.

FAWX

Could you just print a correction for my name, please? 

FITZY

I’ll do what I can, but these things tend to stick. 

FAWX

…great.

LUCIUS takes his place onstage. The music shifts promisingly. The crowd murmurs excitedly.

FITZY

Well, seems as if the doctor has made room for one of his appointments for the day, at least. Happy grieving, all, rest in peace, et cetera. Ta ta.

STALLION

So sad. 

MADGE

And also with you.  

FITZY flips his book closed and makes his way back into the crowd.

FAWX

Oh my–why will no one give me the benefit of the doubt here? It’s like everyone’s made up their mind already that I’m some, some–thick knob and there’s nothing I can do to stop them! 

MADGE

Right, moving right past the easy “thick knob” joke I was about to make. Do you think it might have anything to do with the fact that you insulted a beloved public figure right after he died? 

FAWX

Well how am I supposed to fix that now if no one will listen to me?!

STALLION

Did you want me to call him back to try for another? I heard Oscar Wilde coughed at the Cafe Royale the other day. 

MADGE

We get it, James, you went to the Royale.  

STALLION

And this last time I was actually on the guest list! 

FAWX

Are we even sure he’s actually dead? 

STALLION

Oscar Wilde? I hope not, I wasn’t lying about the cough and I definitely saw him double dip at the chocolate fountain.

FAWX

(frustrated)

No! Sherlock —

Realizes he’s being too loud, whispers: 

Sherlock Holmes. 

MADGE

Oh Jesus, not this again—

FAWX

I’m just saying! They never found a body, so this could all be some big misunderstanding, or, or, or, social experiment of some kind! Oh or–this could be a trap!

MADGE

Oh yes, because why wouldn’t he want to live to see this.

LUCIUS

Yes, yes, we’re all so excited! And now, before the main event, a full list of the people who made this all possible: First, our Deerstalker Contributors…

STALLION

Hampton does have a point, we never did find the body. If we had, you’d better believe we would have gone with an open casket. I stuffed 50 pounds worth of deerstalkers into that empty one and people still lined up for two miles. By the third day we had to mount wheels on the casket and roll it up Piccadilly - 

MADGE/FAWX/STALLION

“the most efficient way to mourn and generate press”

STALLION

See, you do remember. 

LUCIUS

Alright, let’s try this one more time… Without any more ado…

Drumroll.

I give you the legendary, the literate, the lord of loquacious lurkeries… 

MADGE

How much you wanna bet Watson’s speech is over 10 minutes?

FAWX

(offended, trying to be better)

Madge, it’s probably some sort of Eulogy.

MADGE

So over 15?

FAWX

Madge!

STALLION

I’ll take that bet. 

MADGE

You’re on.

FAWX

Ok, me too.

LUCIUS

You know him, you love him, let’s give it up for Dr. Jooooohhhhhnnnn Watson!

Huge applause. The drum roll swells with the crowd. A spotlight and the full attention of the room goes to the side entrance. No one appears. A moment of silence, then muttering.

STALLION

Oh for god's sake. 

MADGE

He doin’ a runner? Not gonna lie, most interesting thing he’s ever done. 

STALLION

No, no, he was here, today! He was here this morning, he had a rehearsal with the actors to do press and approve all the outfits. 

LUCIUS

Well–just a… another moment, everyone, technical difficulties, perhaps he didn’t hear me–could we please get–Weatherby!—

He continues in the background.

MADGE

Right, but didn’t that Irish square say he didn’t show for their interview either? Just saying, remember  that month our parents thought Hampton and I were gonna get married? I pictured bolting every single night–

FAWX

Wha - !

MADGE

So from one runaway bride to another, I don’t think he’s coming, mate. 

STALLION

That absolute bloody–

A pointed throat clear.

Poor, sweet, grieving man. Sorry, I need to go deal with this–apologies, excuse me, park owner–

STALLION moves through to the front of the crowd–it’s not far, he makes a path.

MADGE

Damn. So, I guess the first mystery of the day is, where is John Watson? 

FAWX

(brain blast)

–and could this be the perfect opportunity for me? 

MADGE

(suddenly alarmed)

I don’t think I said–

FAWX

Brilliant idea, Madge! Opportunity is a dinner guest that doesn’t stay for dessert, so we may as well seize all the h'orderves we can!

FAWX sets out after STALLION toward the stage. We follow him.

MADGE

Uh–Hampton, I don’t think that’s–

We’re following FAWX and he’s far ahead, approaching the stage.

LUCIUS

Now, we all understand that avoidance is part of the grieving process, so …I think we will shortly be welcoming back our acting troupe, practically interchangeable but, again, slightly more handsome–

FAWX

Oh ho ho, I don’t think that will be necessary, Mr. Peppermint. 

FAWX is onstage.

As a representative member of London’s number two detective team–well, now number one by default–I believe I am qualified to speak to the legacy of this…great, great titan of our field- 

STALLION

(privately)

Hampton, perhaps–

FAWX

I’ve got this, James. I know that, in the past, some of my remarks may have been…misconstrued. However– 

STANDARD REPORTER

Sorry, who are you again? 

FAWX

I….Hampton Fawx. Consulting detective? You–I was just introduced five minutes ago. 

TIMES REPORTER

No, that was Madge Stallion, wasn’t it? 

STANDARD REPORTER

Indeed, the lady and fashion icon, she’s the detective. 

FAWX

Right, no, we’re both the detectives, that’s how it works. 

MADGE finally makes her way through the crowd, slightly out of breath.

MADGE

Yeah, what he said. Um, hey, Hampton - 

SPECTACLE REPORTER

But she’s the tall one, so that just makes more sense, right? She’s kinda the Holmes in this whole thing? 

Murmurs of agreement.

And you’re the short one with the sidekick demeanor, so if anything, you’re the Watson here. Right? Am I crazy, that’s just how comparisons work. 

FAWX

What? No, that doesn’t –I’m no[t]--how dare you-!

STALLION

(moving to end this swiftly)

Ladies and gents - woo-hoo over here - I am happy, on Doctor Watson’s behalf, to read Sherlock Holmes’s last words to him and the city of London–or if he didn’t provide us with a script ahead of time–

LUCIUS

He didn’t.  

STALLION

–to welcome our actors back to improvise something–they love that!

STANDARD REPORTER

Well, actually, if anything, that James Stallion is the Watson. He’s giving his speech and all, he sends out the press releases, he’s really good looking–

STALLION

Oh my goodness thank you. 

FAWX

James?! That’s ridiculous, he wasn’t even at the Brattleboro Toy Factory–

STANDARD REPORTER

I thought you didn’t want to be the Watson?

FAWX

I don’t!

TIMES REPORTER

I’m confused, you wanted to give his speech. 

FAWX

Well–I mean, yes–

TIMES REPORTER

You wanted to say nice things about Sherlock Holmes like he would–

FAWX

Well, yes, but–passive aggressively.

STANDARD REPORTER

Damn, now maybe he is the Watson.

SPECTACLE REPORTER

I can’t keep up. 

FAWX

I’m not the–no! Who in their right mind would want to be the Watson anyway?

A slight gasp from the audience. In the distance, we hear a commotion, a rush at the falls. Something is happening. 

No, no, let’s be honest, right? The only two things he does–ask Holmes questions, and then write down the answers. Not a lot on offer here. 

MADGE

He is a doctor, too, I guess. 

FAWX

Oh sure a Doctor. Ohhh, let me fawn over a stethoscope! But no one really needs him, right? I mean, think about it - If I was hungry and I wanted supper, and the pub only had a plate of potatoes and glass of water, I’d be fed, but I wouldn’t be excited about it! 

TIMES REPORTER

So, he’s saying Watson’s a potato. Right? You think Watson’s a potato?

STANDARD REPORTER

Faux says No to Potato?

SPECTACLE REPORTER

Agh, beat me to it.

FAWX

First of all it’s ‘FAWX’! Second of all, potatoes are fine! Potatoes are fine, Watson is fine. They’re both - look, all I’m saying is what does he actually have to offer London at this point anyway? Nothing new, nothing unexpected. Just the same reliable, potato-like trudge of reissued stories that he’s already written about things that have already happened. I mean honestly, without Holmes, what’s the last thing John Watson’s done that surprised anyone?!  

Simultaneously, WEATHERBY runs onto the stage, out of breath.

WEATHERBY

Lucius!

LUCIUS

Yes, yes, what is it now, Weatherby?

WEATHERBY whispers.

Oh god…

The crowd bubbles.

Solemnly, LUCIUS turns to the crowd. 

Ladies and gents, I am so sorry to inform you…that John Watson is dead. 

Another long beat. A hush falls and all eyes turn at once to FAWX, vaguely afraid.

FAWX

Well, shit.

End of Part 1