224Fun B Baker Park. Opening day. Morning. MADGE and FAWX running through the woods, pushing branches out of their way. Both sprinting.

FAWX

Quick! Madge, the opening gate is this way! Branch. 

MADGE

Right, and you’re sure we shouldn’t split up and I can look for James?

FAWX

We could, but then we’d be split up which I’m not a fan of, are you? Branch.

MADGE

Fair point. But I don’t like it. 

FAWX

Once we get the park guests away from this ticking time bomb, then we can question Weatherby, hopefully by then James just shows up. Branch. 

MADGE

What a James-like point of view you’re taking.

FAWX

Somebody has to. Bran-

MADGE

Yeah, I -

She gets whacked with a branch. 

Gah, fuck you wood! 

FAWX

You ok?

MADGE

I don’t know, a fire’s sounding pretty fuckin’ good right about now.

FAWX

Madge.

MADGE

Oh, It’s a tree. It’s not like it can hear me.

FAWX

No. Madge. The stage. That light up ahead! Let’s go!

FAWX takes off. 

MADGE

Christ, that cardio really is paying off. Go, Hampton. 

She runs after him. 

CREDITS

EXT. The Stage at 22Fun B.

WEATHERBY greets the park guests on stage.

WEATHERBY

Again, I want to welcome you all, esteemed guests, valued members of the press and participating members of the House of Lords, to 22Fun B Baker Merriment Park and Memorial. 

BRADDOCK

(Not really a whisper)

Ya said that already. 

WHITTLE

And maybe that’s her best. 

COMMISSIONER

Oy, if I have to hear one more peep out of the tweedle-dee and tweedle-twat that let James Stallion get away I’m gonna take you both right off of those patrol horses and show you a bit of the ole Cambridge Slide-Whistle. 

BRADDOCK/WHITTLE

Sorry, Commissioner.

BRADDOCK

(chuckling to himself)

Ha, Tweedle-twat. 

WHITTLE

(Disappointed)

Sorry, Commissioner. When he finds something funny, he laughs. 

COMMISSIONER

Can it!

WEATHERBY

I also want to thank our sterling police force for attending this evening. Commissioner Entwhistle and his equine-ed inspectors have graciously taken up the call, not only to take part in this historic evening, but because they want you to know you’re safe. But… that’s the question isn’t it? Are we safe? Do you feel safe? And, if so, what makes you feel safe? 

Beat.

This part of it is interactive, so it’s ok to - Yes, The Times. What makes you feel safe?

TIMES REPORTER

Room temperature cup of tea and my bulldog, Angus, with the bum leg.

WEATHERBY

A cuppa and a puppa, how can we deny? Yes, The Spectacle?

SPECTACLE REPORTER

My mother’s perfume. Anytime I feel alone or scared as soon as I smell lilacs and turpentine, I’m a child again. 

WEATHERBY

But better than a child, you can change your own nappies. What about you, Commissioner–what makes the man who keeps us safe, feel safe himself?

COMMISSIONER

Ah. Well, it may surprise some of you to know but in my down time - of which you lot afford me very little - 

The crowd laughs.

Cuz crime and all - but in my down time I myself am a bit of a reader. So I guess I’m at my most comfortable with a good ole book.

The crowd “aww’s”

WEATHERBY

Precisely, Commissioner. Precisely. When you’re reading your “Good ole book” - Are you using that idiom to describe any ole book, or perhaps something new? 

COMMISSIONER

Me? Nah, nine times outta ten I’m just re-reading Spartan’s Guide to Minable Metals or trying to get past the second chapter of Persuasion again so I can finally talk about it with my son.

WEATHERBY

Aha! So a return to the classics. Wonderful. Well, friends, what I’ve observed, in my young and prodigious life as Lucius Peppermint’s former Assistant and still current Creative Partner, is that all of us, when we want to feel safe, we seek out the familiar. An old sweater, a favorite piece of music, that same fried fish from the market even though you’re sure the portions are getting smaller. But stories. Stories are worlds of predestination, filled with larger than life characters going on wonderful adventures, again, and again, and again. Because they always turn out alright in the end. Right? The life of Sherlock Holmes was one of those stories. Every few weeks we’d gather round for another delightful new tale, another unconquerable crime, another impossible task. And he’d do it. He’d make the impossible possible. Under the visor of his deerstalker the world finally began to make a bit of sense. And then…

WEATHERBY gets choked up.

Sorry I - 

The crowd “aww’s”.

Thank you. And then. Well, we all know that in the real world, stories always come to an end. 

But do they have to? What if his world could continue? What if we brought that story to life? What if now we all got to wear the deerstalkers and we got to be the detective!

A rising excitement.

What if his London, could be our London. And not just geographically. Which is why, on behalf of our two, well one real founder, Mr. Lucius Peppermint, and his financial-only business partner and suspected murderer, James Stallion. I want to invite you to our park and formally give you the choice between Adventure and Safety, between Merriment and Memorializing, between “To Be” or 22Fun B, because that is the question–and at this park we say: why not both?!

Huge Applause. They love her. 

MADGE and FAWX approach behind the crowd. To each other:

FAWX

Oh god, they love her, it’s too late! 

MADGE

Eh, only one way to find out.

Beginning to yell:

Oy! - 

At the same moment STALLION emerges onto the scene. A strong, slow clap.

STALLION

Brava, brava, Bra-fucking-va.

BRADDOCK/WHITTLE/COMMISSIONER

Oh my god.

MADGE/FAWX

It’s - 

STALLION

Yes, it is I, James Stallion! About to be back from the reputationally dead!

FAWX/MADGE

James!

STALLION

Hampton? Madge?

FAWX and MADGE begin pushing their way through the crowd. 

FAWX

James, thank god we found you, I - oww - excuse me - I -

MADGE

Alright make way - make way, lady and an excitable little man coming through -

COMMISSIONER

Braddock! Other One! Weren’t you two about to do something? Like, I don’t know: Arrest him? Make way!

COMMISSIONER begins pushing through the crowd.

FAWX

Excuse me, excuse me, EXCUSE ME - thank you. James! 

FAWX and MADGE make their way up on the stage. Heaving themselves up. 

WEATHERBY

Mr. Stallion, I can assure you if it’s revenge you want you’ll have to do it publicly, here, in front of all these witnesses.

Crowd gasps.

STALLION

That’s what you think, unfortunately I’m about to blow the lid off of this whole game!

FAWX

James, that’s what we have to tell you! The lid is about to be blown off, in a very real way! And - 

COMMISSIONER

Alright, Heave ho. 

He hoists himself up. And yells to BRADDOCK and WHITTLE

Fat lotta good you lot on your horses did. Alright, Stallion, I’m afraid I’ve gotta place you under -

MADGE

NO!

That was loud, so everyone turns to her. She didn’t have much of a plan beyond that. 

Because… you can’t do that. Because If you arrest him, without the chance to defend himself, publicly, then… I mean on top of being illegal - eh, barristers - it would also just make for a shit story - right, reporters? I mean…..dramatically. Would be a little anticlimactic, don’t you think?  

COMMISSIONER

That’s ridiculous, you really think I’m gonna let you turn this theme park opening into a spectacle? I’m taking him in.

TIMES REPORTER

Madge Stallion is correct!

STANDARD REPORTER

I’m not leaving without a scoop!

SPECTACLE REPORTER

Seriously, I need this! I got kids!

WEATHERBY

Mr. Stallion, I—I don’t know what kind of farce you think you’re turning this historic evening into, but I can assure you, Lucius is looking down on you right now and he is not only frowning, he is perusing other resumes and pretending like you don’t exist!

FAWX

Weatherby. 

WEATHERBY

Hampton, you–

FAWX

It’s ok. Remember what we talked about? 

WEATHERBY

Yes, but–

FAWX

I can do this. For the park, right? 

Out to the audience:

You wanted the real story, yes? That’s what we all wanted, yes? 

The crowd clamors, yes! WEATHERBY senses the momentum, has to give over to it. 

WEATHERBY

Then, yes. Of course, Mr Fawx. The people demand their story.  

FAWX

Alright. Well. Yes. Exactly, For you see, this tale will not only tie everything together in a satisfying, easy to swallow bow, but it will also, quite possibly, be the … greatest story ever told!

MADGE

Ok, Hampton - 

FAWX

Hyperbolic, so sorry, but storytelling device, eh? ANYWAY! Oh and before I go on, this story doesn’t have merely one author, but two: Ms. Weatherby and I both stumbled upon this yarn, but thankfully she’s gracious enough to let me tell it here tonight. I would like to tell you about Romulus Brattleboro.

Romulus was the owner and chief Toy Creator of the Brattleboro Toy Factory. But a toymaker is only as good as his latest creation. Enter: The Dolphin Tank of Dilladombromcastervitz & Assc., specifically Bottlenose investor Lucius Peppermint, who promised not only to help Romulus achieve his vision of spider-children dolls, but also keep the business afloat long enough for Romulus to finish the initial designs. 

Crowd: “Awww”

MADGE

Only that’s not exactly what happened.

Crowd: “Ohhh!”

FAWX

No! In fact, the Brattleboro Toy Factory wasn’t long for this world once The Dolphins came circling, and the one to deal the death blow? Lucius Peppermint, who unceremoniously pulled his financial wad out from that sinking toy ship, causing Romulus to live out the rest of his short life in financial ruin and spider-inspired humiliation–we think, he might actually still be alive? Either way back to the story! Enter his son, Dennis Brattleboro, who, after seeing what working with Lucius Peppermint did to his father, spies an advert in the paper - 

TIMES REPORTER

Which one?

FAWX

It doesn’t matter - 

SPECTACLE REPORTER

Yeah it does - 

MADGE

The Times. 

TIMES REPORTER

Yes. 

FAWX

Dennis applies to be an actor/server at Lucius Peppermint’s new financial venture, 22Fun B, the park we’re all standing in today. 

MADGE

But does Dennis choose to move through the rest of his life as a docile employee? No siree!

FAWX

No siree, indeed! He begins sending Lucius letter upon letter, threatening at any moment to let the cat out of the bag–and ruin not only the park’s success, but Lucius’s reputation.

MADGE

Well he couldn’t have that, could he?

FAWX

Why no, dear Madge, he couldn’t! So what does someone with everything to lose whose back’s against the wall, decide to do?

MADGE

Oh, ya know, just a casual plan… of murder! 

Crowd gasps!

SPECTACLE REPORTER

Can we quote you on that?

FAWX

Maybe later - depending on how this ends - just stop and listen. Now, Lucius has access to the employment records. He looks through them and quickly sees the name Brattelboro comma Dennis–there it is! He knows that must be the blackmailer. He burns the file to cover up the connection and sends the unsuspecting Dennis a note to meet him at the top of the falls where he coldly, and with no human resource oversight, throws him from the falls, killing him instantly. 

A general hubbub. Holy shit, that’s what happend?

A great story–albeit rather tragic, but a clean, satisfying story… But it doesn’t really make any sense, does it? 

MADGE

No, Hampton, I don’t think it does. Because Lucius was down here at the park’s entrance with us the whole time. And don’t take our word for it, read your own articles, you were literally there. 

FAWX

It’s a watertight alibi, the same alibi that applies to me, Madge, James, and Weatherby here.

MADGE

Plus, as it turns out Dennis wasn’t killed by the fall, thanks to the toxicology report of coroner, Iphigenia Brown, we can clearly see that he was killed with poison. 

FAWX

And also, if Lucius killed Dennis, then who could have been left to kill Lucius? 

COMMISSIONER

We know that one!

Crickets.

James Stallion!

Ohh!!!

MADGE

Sure! Sure. He could have. 

STALLION

Not helping.

MADGE

In fact, yeah, let’s just pop our heads over to that second murder–maybe that’ll tell us something! Now, you’re right, it could’ve been James, but technically any one of us could have killed Lucius  the night of the Gaga-for-Galas Charity Party Thing–we all touched the tray with the drinks meant for Lucius and Dr. Watson. Not only James, but Hampton, me, Fitzy–you don’t know him but it doesn’t matter–the entire rest of the wait staff. But the real question is who would have a reason to? Why would someone want Lucius killed? Other than James, that is. 

COMMISSIONER

That’s what I’m saying. 

STALLION

Madge. 

MADGE

The only other person who’d want Lucius dead was… Dennis. Dennis was the one who wanted the park shut down, Dennis was the one crusading for justice in wages, worker’s rights and some other third thing I’m sure he did. But! Dennis was just one man, working alone, doing what he thought was right. Only…thing was, he wasn’t. Hampton, do you want to tell our fine public what we just found in Lucius’s office, looking for clues and doing our samaritan detective duties?

FAWX

Oh yes, well I’m sure you’ll be familiar with Dennis Brattelboro–well we found his file! 

MADGE

Which is strange, because - and correct me if I’m wrong, Hampton - didn’t you see Dennis’s file mostly burned earlier tonight? 

FAWX

With my own still concerningly clear vision!

MADGE

But then I noticed something. 

REPORTERS

What’d ya notice?!

FAWX

Allow us to tell you another story. 

Disappointed groan from the audience. 

Similar to the first. Again, a young man’s father loses his business due to the workings of a careless man. Again, that young man is an actor, a good one, and he uses that skillset to infiltrate that careless, selfish man’s next business venture, to ruin it from within. At first, just threats, attempts to hold the man to accountability. But eventually, he’s found out, and a price is paid. 

MADGE

The price of a life. 

FAWX

But the difference, the crucial difference, as you’ll soon see, is that in that first story, our young man, our Dennis, uses his real name. Out in the open. Almost like he doesn’t have anything to hide. And in that first story, he was alone. 

MADGE

But in this new story, let’s suppose he goes in with an alias–

FAWX

A stage name. 

MADGE

–and he’s not alone. 

FAWX

Because right when Madge noticed what that second paper said, I remembered something. Something Doctor Watson told me Dennis mentioned the day of his death.

DENNIS

My mum died last year, right? And my brother and I–

FAWX

Because what Madge noticed, when she actually looked at Dennis's file.

MADGE

–was that it wasn’t Dennis’s file. Because there was only one N. 

FAWX

It didn’t say Dennis, it said Denis. 

A murmuring of shock. 

STALLION

Wait, so Dennis–

FAWX

Had a brother. The actual writer of the notes. Unfortunately, though, for Dennis and his murderer, Dennis–an innocent bystander caught in the fray–was the one of the two brothers who didn’t use a stage name. 

DENNIS

(from 2x06)

I don’t even have a stage name figured out.

FAWX

He was new to all his, after all. In fact, Dennis’s honesty is what killed him, in the end. Along with the poison. So a price was paid with a life. But the wrong life. 

MADGE

So what does Denis–with his one N–do next? He knows why his brother was killed–he knows it was supposed to be him. And two nights later, as he lays low, waiting for the murderer to show themself, he gets the perfect opportunity. 

STALLION

(piecing it together with them)

Because they were going to do it again to Doctor Watson. 

FAWX

Right, James? I know!! Sorry - Doctor Watson wanted–

WATSON

–to shut it down. 

FAWX

He even threatened legal action to get the park shuttered after Dennis’s murder. So he becomes a problem, a problem that would be best solved if he, like Holmes, were to conveniently exit the narrative. The killer moves, and poisons his drink. But they forget one thing.

DENNIS

No one notices us in food service anyway. 

MADGE

Because Denis notices, and Denis moves quickly. All it takes is a quick swap of glasses–

RAKE

Oh, ok, but I do have to take the tray with the toasts up to the stage–

FAWX

–and a hand-off to the next person in the chain–

WEATHERBY

I’m having Thomas Rake handle the tray for the celebratory toasts–

MADGE

–And Thomas Rake, aka Denis Brattelboro makes a simple disappearance into the chaos of the night–

 STALLION

–to avenge his brother’s death, by destroying the only thing his murderer still cared about: the park! Burning it to the ground via dynamite on opening night! 

TIMES

 Wait, what?

STANDARD

I’m sorry?

SPECTACLE

Burned down with what?

STALLION

Nothing. It’s fine, you’re fine. Shh.. 

WEATHERBY

So then, in a way, if Lucius drank the swapped poison, Lucius sort of…killed himself? 

MADGE

Well, not exactly. Because that story doesn’t really make sense either. 

Everyone groans. 

We’re getting to it, Jesus, calm down! Enjoy the tension for a bloody second. 

FAWX

Because by all accounts, Lucius wasn’t worried about John Watson. He could pull his name off the park at any minute, with no financial repercussions–he could blame James for everything, he was new to the game, an easy scapegoat, a rube!

STALLION

Ok. 

MADGE

And if Lucius had called Dennis for a meeting, his brother would have heard, and he would have been suspicious. 

FAWX

And that’s all before the fact that we know that Lucius never even got those threatening letters, did he?

WEATHERBY

Trusted me with his mail, this laundry, his appointments–

FAWX

You did. 

Slight gasp.

FAWX

You got all the notes. And you would have been able to meet Dennis easily–

WEATHERBY

I conduct monthly performance reviews with all employees–

MADGE

You would have been able to give him a drink extremely easily. 

WEATHERBY

Tea? You’ll want to drink the whole thing.

FAWX

You know what an impression Doctor Watson’s words can leave.

WATSON

I’ll…take it public, then. 

MADGE

An alive, angry man that people generally like? Pretty dangerous.

FAWX

A dead angry man that people like… Well, you could work with that. You already had.

MADGE

And with a little new star detective in your pocket to join you once people get bored, you’d be unstoppable. Yeah, I got your number. He’s our little star detective. 

FAWX

And here I thought we were friends. 

Beat. Focus on WEATHERBY. 

WEATHERBY

Ok. Ok. Ok! And, that’s a super fun theory or whatever, but alas, not what happened. I’m not sure if you remember but I was the one who reported Dennis’s body. From the ground. Let the record show! I was with all of you–literally all of you–when Dennis fell! How could I possibly have pushed his body over the falls and beaten the body to the bottom? Hmm?

Beat. They don’t know this part. 

FAWX

Um…Yes, well, we don’t know exactly that - yet - but we… are going to…? Madge?

MADGE

I was kinda just hoping it’d be staring us in the face at this point. We were on such a good run there. I—look, we don’t know– 

STALLION

(a realization)

I do. 

He thinks about it for a second longer, becomes more sure. 

Yeah, I--I actually do! 

MADGE

You do? 

STALLION

Well I learned this amazing and volatile exercise called improv twelve hours ago, may as well give it a go.

Out: 

In order to understand the true scope of the discoveries I’m about to unveil I need you all to understand something incredibly important: I, James Stallion, fully almost died tonight. It was not expected, nor was it desired! Now how did I almost die, you ask? Well let’s just say I was tied up with our head chef Archibald Cartwright in a boat on a dark ride that climaxes in a log flume and someone just, huh, turned on the ride! Which, bad news for us but good news for all of you, we discovered is wildly unsafe. Because dear park guests, do you know what happens when you’re not secured down in a boat on a dark ride that climaxes in a log flume?

TIMES REPORTER

No?

STALLION

It’ll apparently just catapult you off the side of a fucking cliff!

Crowd mutters excitedly, this doesn’t look good. 

FAWX

Oh my god, James!

MADGE

You being serious??

STALLION

Yes. It was terrible. I want a bath and I need a drink. Let’s wrap this up. 

MADGE

So…you poisoned Dennis, then loaded him into the ride, started it, and then snuck down while the ride was running its track, and got here right before he took the final plunge, securing your alibi. 

WEATHERBY

Mrs. Stallion, Why would I do that? First of all, Ahh! Horrible! Second, why would I want the opening of the park I love and have invested so much of myself into stained with two murders? 

STALLION

Because people want a show, Weatherby! Now, don’t bullshit me. I look at you and I see the hunger, I see the ambition. I see a drive that’s ready to announce itself bejeweled bare-bottomed bestride Big Ben. You want to know how I know? Because I have it in me. And we both know, in a really really dark way, the murder of a fake John Watson and the murder of a real John Watson - especially one we both know has been an absolute nightmare to work with - would be unbelievable press for right before opening. 

Crowd “Oh yeah, I would be interested in that”

WEATHERBY

That’s an employee, and a national hero, not some props to be used in a macabre marketing scheme. Besides, you have nothing. Physics can throw people off the safest of log flumes if they aren’t strapped in properly. But none of that changes the fact that this is not a very good ending because you don’t have any proof!

FAWX

You’re right. 

Beat. 

You’re right, and you’re going to get away with it. 

The crowd gasps.

Because no one notices you. No one notices either of us, really. And that is the worst feeling in the absolute world. So I understand–in fact, I think we all understand why you would do something like this. I can’t fault you for wanting the spotlight.  

STALLION

Sorry, Hampton, are you stalling or riffing, I don’t–

FAWX

The thing is, you said no one notices you, but I did. And the thing about being noticed, finally, after all these years, is that while it is great… it’s also kind of the worst. I mean, I think we three are living proof of the many things you can’t do anymore when people start noticing you. 

MADGE

You can’t get a haircut without consulting a stylist. 

STALLION

You can’t bet on a racehorse without having an inside tip. 

FAWX

You can’t insult a beloved figure if there is even the slightest chance of their death. 

MADGE

Or push a child. 

The crowd reacts like “what the fuck?”

Oh I thought that had made it through the news cycle already—fuck me. 

FAWX

But of the myriad domestic and extracurricular things you can’t do anymore: you definitely can’t tell the number one detective team in London about the murder weapon you carry on you at all times.

WEATHERBY

…what are you talking about? 

FAWX

The Focket, Lizzie. 

The crowd is very confused and also disgusted, like, should they be offended? They’re not even sure. 

MADGE

Terrible name, by the way. 

FAWX

Although appropriate for a locket for your finger, it’s basically good for nothing except discrete poisonings. You see, Dennis was killed by–

IPHY

–a combination of arsenic, strychnine, and trace amounts of mercury.

FAWX

–And I’m willing to bet, we pop that focket open–

The entire crowd reacts with vague disgust, “please stop.”

–And that is the exact combination you have ready to go. Well, except the mercury. 

WEATHERBY

–senseless claims about cheap metals that turn your fingers green and mercury poisoning–

FAWX

That’s just bad design. 

MADGE

You poisoned two people to get everyone to look at you. Well, they’re looking now, mate. The End. 

WEATHERBY

No - no! Not “The End,” no! “To be continued,” more like, or more accurately “Once Upon a Time,” because it's the Beginning of the story! Because none of what you’re saying - that ridiculous excuse for a deduction or the shocking betrayal of what could have been a fun new adult friendship matters. Because the Park is going to open. The Park will be a success. The Park will live on! 

FAWX

Even with all that dynamite?

The crowd reacts again!

WEATHERBY

Oh please! I defused all the dynamite after Mr Stallion told me about it- 

The crowd calms down.

STALLION

Well, no, because after you defused all the dynamite, I may have, sort of, definitely told our actor friends, to re-fuse them, citing a moral change of heart! After evacuating all of the still adoptable dogs (and Monty), of course. 

WEATHERBY

So you mean…? 

STALLION

Might want to stand back for this next part. Desmond threw in some fireworks for good measure. 

The crowd hubbubs in panic.

And all of you! Oy, calm down! I assure you: we’re far enough away you’ll be fine.

Beat. 

But for good measure you can also enjoy the show from a further distance. 

WEATHERBY

But–no, why?! You can’t - I’ve - we’ve worked too hard to let it all go up in flames. 

STALLION

Lizzie, if there’s anything I’ve learned this week, you’ve just gotta let some things burn. Enjoy the show. 

BOOM!

The crowd erupts in excitement. It’s all chaos. Over a series of punctuating BOOMs:

WEATHERBY

No! No! The Tunnel of Brotherly Love! The 5 Orange Dips! The Dancing Men Revue! The Pound of the Baskervilles! The Pound of the Baskervilles! The Pound of the Baskervilles! 

COMMISSIONER

Ms. Weatherby I’m placing you under arrest for the suspected murders of - 

WEATHERBY punches him in the gut and runs away.

COMMISSIONER

My ulcer! Inspectors! She’s getting away!

BRADDOCK

Cornelious bucked me off when the bombs went off! I can’t make up that distance with human running!

The COMMISSIONER, BRADDOCK, and WHITTLE run after WEATHERBY!

WEATHERBY

You’ll pay for this, Hampton Fawx!!!

FAWX

Wait, just me? Why not you two?

MADGE

I was thinking the same thing but we’ll figure it out later because she’s heading straight for James!

WEATHERBY/STALLION

AHHHH!!!/The fuck?!

She runs at him–at the last second she’s intercepted by a huge neigh: Cornwallis, the horse! ARCHIE has arrived, riding Cornwallis, Chauncy and Co behind him. 

ARCHIE

I don’t think so, Ms. Weatherby.

WEATHERBY

What the–

MADGE

Since when can Archie ride a horse?!

ARCHIE

McMurphy! 

McMURPHY

Yes, Chef!!!!

ARCHIE

Could you and the rest of the team help to watch Ms Weatherby here? 

CHAUNCY

You got it, Tartar Sauce! 

MADGE

Who the hell are these people, do I have to learn more names? Ugh well - Oh - hello, and who are you?

CHAUNCY

Chancy Grace, and unless you got some marshmallows in your pocket I’d say we better make as the elk like to say and “Va-moose”.

MADGE

(weirdly turned on?)

Literally say less.

ARCHIE pulls up alongside STALLION. 

ARCHIE

Mr Stallion, can I interest you in a horseback-ed escape?

STALLION

Don’t mind if I do. 

STALLION pulls himself up. 

MADGE

Wait, where’s - Hampton?!

FAWX

Ahh! I’m here, Madge!

MADGE

Sorry, that was loud.

FAWX

It’s ok, let’s go!

Everyone departs, only ARCHIE and STALLION on Cornwallis behind. 

ARCHIE

Shall we? 

STALLION

Wait! One last look, I just wanted one last glance before -

A huge explosion. 

Huh. I didn’t know the actors placed dynamite in the cafe.

ARCHIE

They didn’t.

Slight Beat.

STALLION

Noted. Well? Shall we?

Whoosh. 

INT. 221B Baker Street. Very early morning, but London is still. Everyone at the park. It may as well be the middle of the night. HOLMES is climbing through the window of 221B. 

HOLMES

Alright. Alright. This will be alright. This will be fine. 

HOLMES finishes climbing through the window and falls to the ground with perhaps less grace than usual.

Ok, dark, good. Very probably he isn’t even - 

From the darkness, a pistol cocks. 

WATSON

Mind telling me what you’re doing in my flat? 

HOLMES

Christ! Alright, we can calm down with the–pistol, that’s–actually, wow, being on this side of things is. Different. Wait, what voice was I doing for this? 

WATSON

Um, hello, again, what–? 

HOLMES

You know, you should really lock your windows these days, because—

WATSON

Because then strange men can just climb right through them, yeah, I’m starting to get that. 

HOLMES

Exactly! 

Beat. HOLMES doesn’t have anything else to say. 

WATSON

…Right, well, if you’re not gonna rob me do you think maybe you should -

HOLMES

No! Well, actually, maybe. We both should. Go, that is. It’s possible that there may be an ignition device that was planted here this afternoon by a man (and probably a puppet) as a tangential part of a larger conspiracy to–oh wait. That's absurd. Oh. Oh! Yes, that makes sense now–gah, rused by a man who can’t even bake savories, what is happening to me this week? 

WATSON

Huh. 

HOLMES

Huh? Huh what, not me huh, what huh? 

WATSON

I know you.

HOLMES

You do? What? That’s bizarre, we’ve never met. 

WATSON

You’re the reporter. From the park. 

HOLMES

Right. Yes! Fitzy…

(“fuck me”:)

Fitzwilliams. 

WATSON

Sure. I ran into you, on the steps, didn’t I? Before the murder. Why were you there? 

HOLMES

I—w–uh, I was looking for you actually! I had a question that I didn’t get the chance to ask. 

WATSON

So naturally when you found me at last you…kept running? 

HOLMES

Well, I–to be honest, once I saw you I forgot the question. 

A beat. WATSON considers him. A decision: 

WATSON

Do you remember it now? 

HOLMES

What was that now? 

WATSON

As it turns out, I’ve found myself with somewhere to decidedly not-be, and rather a lot of free time. So: what would you like to know? 

HOLMES considers him. A decision:

HOLMES

The, uh…the letter. That your–that he left you. You wrote it. 

WATSON

Who told you–

HOLMES

It ended up in the pocket of a dead man, in your handwriting, unfinished and unsigned. Classic avoidance, ignorance, guilt. Quite cut and dry actually. 

WATSON

Was that a question?

HOLMES

And that’s all beside the point, because it’s clearly not even what he would have written. Obviously, if he had the chance to step back in, to think about it, he would have done…. more than that. There isn’t even a final punctuation, therefore no ending! He doesn’t even sign it, “believe me to be” what? It’s stupid, you’re wrong. 

WATSON

Again, not noticing a question. 

HOLMES

How could you think that he wouldn’t…that he–why would you write him like that? 

WATSON

I never had the evidence to believe anything [else]–

HOLMES

That’s wrong.

WATSON

I didn’t. 

HOLMES

He did. 

WATSON

He really didn’t–

HOLMES

Well maybe you just didn’t understand!

Somewhere in the last lines Fitzy’s voice slipped away from him. The temperature of the room changes. Watson suspected, but he knows now. 

A long, charged beat. 

WATSON

Alright…so I was wrong? 

HOLMES

Yes! 

WATSON

Categorically wrong?

HOLMES

Yes!

WATSON

Patently, idiotically untrue?

HOLMES

Ridiculously!

WATSON

Correct me. 

HOLMES

…What? 

WATSON

I got it wrong. Fine. I usually do. But…that’s what he would do, yeah? When I’d gotten it wrong. He'd show me how I was wrong—which you’ve done—and then he’d tell me the correct answer. Which you haven’t.  So… Tell me how it ends. 

HOLMES did not expect this. 

HOLMES

Oh. Well. The correct answer–as much as any answer can be objectively “correct” in matters of art and emotion–

WATSON

(not quite a fart noise but not very mature either)

Oh, pffff--

HOLMES

(scrambling)

I–we[ll]–he–he probably would have said…you know. “I’m sorry.”

WATSON

I know that already. 

HOLMES

What? 

WATSON

I know he’s sorry. Pretty obvious. 

HOLMES

Right, that’s very observant. Well done–you know, you’re much smarter than he gives you credit for, he should tell you that more. 

WATSON

I agree. What else?  

HOLMES

He’s…really sorry? 

WATSON

Again. 

HOLMES

Uh. Well. He also would have said…thank you. For your. Companionship. And…patience?

WATSON

Wrong. Again. 

HOLMES is at a loss, genuinely. After a moment, WATSON goes to let him off the hook. 

Fine, nevermind, that was stupid–

HOLMES

No, I’ll get it. 

He recalculates. Takes a very deep breath, lets it out. Knows what to do. 

Alright. Once upon a time–

WATSON

(convinced he’s about to be mocked)

Oh fuck off–

HOLMES

(“just fucking let me finish!”)

There was this man!

If we could see this, Holmes would be giving a pointed little “are you gonna let me get through this or what” gesture. He waits for the nod, reluctant as it is, to go on. 

HOLMES

He lives alone. Then…he doesn’t. And against all conceivable odds, he continues…not living alone. And this person he lives with, this…Friend. This friend writes stories about The Man. Entertaining stories. Infuriating stories. Beautiful stories. All about someone that this Friend clearly cares about, very much, someone incredible and smart and interesting. Now, The Man doesn’t particularly feel very incredible, smart, or interesting. In fact, he feels rather tired and unremarkable and ridiculous and …and he feels like there’s not room for that. In His Friend’s stories. And he doesn’t say that, of course. But he should have. His friend is…asking how to do it right, asking for answers this man doesn’t have. 

Didn’t have. 

Has now. 

You see, funny things, brains - they tend to remember the things that matter. I mean, this man forgets to eat lunch most days. But he remembers that His Friend takes three sugars in his tea. He forgets bread at the bakery even though it was the whole reason he left the house, but he remembers that your birthday always reminds you of your mother for some reason.  He forgets… sometimes…  how to solve mysteries altogether. But he will always remember that he made you laugh with a fork. 

WATSON tries to give him the out again. HOLMES doesn't let him. 

WATSON

Holmes, you don’t have to–

HOLMES

Yours. “Very sincerely, Yours. Sherlock Holmes.” That’s the answer. That’s how the story ends. I…write whatever else you want, John, that’s the only part that [matters]– 

WATSON kisses him. He never finishes the sentence. Everything he needed to hear has been said.

After a moment, very small: 

WATSON

Did I get that right? 

HOLMES

Why…yes. Did I? 

WATSON

Yeah. Yeah, you did. 

Beat. 

HOLMES

Well. Gee Robinson. 

A moment. Was that weirdly sweet? And then: 

WATSON laughs. Unexpected and deeply fond. Any lingering tension is gone in an instant. HOLMES, a season’s worth of relief crashing in, laughs too. 

WATSON

It was a lovely speech, but if you think I haven’t got notes–

HOLMES laughs, delighted, giddy. They both do. And on that note we leave them, going into: 

Whoosh!

Backstage at what’s left of the stage at 22Fun B. Two days later.. STALLION, ARCHIE. Getting ready for the final press conference on the events of the opening night of 22Fun B.

STALLION

…Alright but how’s the shirt? Too periwinkle? I want the press to think “he suffered a loss but he’ll rise like a phoenix.” 

ARCHIE

Considering it’s the only shirt you’ve got with you at the moment, I’d say it says exactly that. 

STALLION

What happened to my emergency back-up shirts?

ARCHIE

I didn’t bring them.

STALLION

But what if there was an emergency!

FAWX walks up in a tizzy.

FAWX

James. Have you seen Madge at all? She said she’d be here and if she doesn’t make the speech then - 

STALLION

It’ll be fine. It’ll be fine! Right now, it seems like all hope is lost, the future is dour, and our dreams and financial security went up in a literal fireworks show but tomorrow will be a brighter day. 

FAWX

He’s taking this a lot better than I thought.

ARCHIE

He’s realizing that’s the only option he has.

STALLION

I still can’t believe that just because I announced full knowledge of the park’s bombastic fate I’m not eligible for any sort of insurance reimbursement but I… am fine with that. I just have to get used to the idea of being… not wealthy–oh god.  

ARCHIE

James, James, James! It’ll be an adjustment but… we’ll make do.

RAKE walks up in a disguise as a postman. 

RAKE

Mr. Stallion.

STALLION

Ahh! Excuse me, Mr. Postman, but I am facing a pretty monumental financial and personality shift so unless it’s urgent -

ARCHIE

Is that - No, Thomas Rake, how are you, old - 

RAKE

Shhh!! Not Thomas Rake! Surely I’m not the man Scotland Yard is still looking for in the murder of Lucius Peppermint…

STALLION

Ok, well, I’m not in the mood for a fucking riddle so are you or aren’t you Thomas - 

RAKE/ARCHIE/FAWX

Shh!!!!

RAKE

Well, whoever I am, I’ve just come to… to thank you. All of you. For helping us. After I lost Dennis I just felt like I wanted to burn everything to the ground. Which thankfully we did–so again, thanks. I would have hated it if his memory had been tied up in some capitalistic installation piece like that.   

FAWX

Well that’s one way to shift the narrative. 

RAKE

That’s not… no… Flexton Jones, as I live and breathe!

They hug!

It’s good to see you again. I almost didn’t recognize you - you, my friend, have a real knack for slipping into characters.

FAWX

Why, thank you, obviously the feeling is mutual, Mr…? 

RAKE

Longfellow Tibbs, Postman. Just a way to make some income till my beard grows out. Then I guess I’ll have to try a different market. It’s a shame, really. I never got to play Covent Garden…

STALLION

Was that like a thing for you?

FAWX

Well…I happen to know another stage persona who’ll be retiring soon, and all he requires is a mustache. 

RAKE

I’m sorry, unless I’m mistaking your crystal clear subtext, are you saying I can use - sorry - assume the role of the great Flexton Jones?

FAWX

If it means we get two tickets at will call, we’ll even throw in a hat. Right, James?

STALLION

Ugh, fine. Take the last time I’ve known true confidence too while you’re at it! He’s… yours.

RAKE

That is… wow. You three, you’re alright. I guess I’ll see ya round the West End if you ever need to find me. But for now, I’m off, gotta finish my rounds, this is still an actual job, so… ahh, while I’m here. This is for you, Mr. Stallion. Mr Cartwright…. 

STALLION

Gee thanks–a bill! This is honestly the lowest of the low. Having to give a press conference on the remains of my most public embarrassment, and it’s a Saturday! Those are supposed to be the fun days. 

ARCHIE

I’m sorry, James. 

STALLION

No. I’m sorry, Archie. I know, you’re right. I just wish I could’ve given you the life you really wanted, and not this bastardized wax museum with a food hut. If I ever manage to scrape us back to the place we were, I’ll buy you the best location for the biggest bakery the city of London has ever seen. 

ARCHIE

Or. Perhaps we start at home, in our kitchen, and just kind of… take it one step at a time. 

STALLION

One step at a time. My god, it’s affordable… and ideal. But I’m sure we’ll manage. 

FAWX

Oh this is nice. 

The kiss becomes less chaste. Oh wow, something really happened for them the other night. 

This is… 

Ok, clothes may or may not be coming off. Yeah, there shouldn’t be another person here right now. 

I’m the only other person here and I will leave you both to it and… go find - Madge!

Whoosh. 

INT. Side Room at What’s Left of 22Fun B. MADGE and HOLMES saying goodbye. 

MADGE

Well. Did you get your quote? 

HOLMES

…I did, yes.

MADGE

And was it…?

HOLMES

A very thorough interview, yes. 

MADGE

Well, well well. You back from the dead, then? 

HOLMES

Uh….well, no, actually. We agreed that we–I should take some time, before I’m ready to…resurrect, as it were. Stop to figure things out without any eyes on me. Might travel. Sit on a beach. Some…third thing that unemployed people do. 

MADGE

Day drink and go to the zoo, mostly. 

HOLMES

I’m sure I’ll learn to like it. And…you know, the interview still had some–extraneous questions. So I imagine I’ll be popping back to London every now and again–for purely editorial reasons. 

MADGE

‘Course, “fact checking.” “Spelling.” “collating.”   

HOLMES

And well, next year we’ll need a follow-up article, on the…anniversary of the first one, as it were, so he’s going to meet me in Paris. 

MADGE

Ahh Paris. City of Journalism. 

HOLMES

Famously.

MADGE

And do you feel good about it? You two?

HOLMES

…I really do, actually. I feel…

For once, he finds he doesn’t have the word. Maybe he doesn’t need it. 

MADGE

Yeah. It’ll do that. 

HOLMES

Yes. I suppose it will. 

MADGE

Good on ya, Fitzy. 

HOLMES

Do you know, I think I quite liked Fitzy. Perhaps I’ll keep him for a bit. At any rate, John loved him. 

Before MADGE can ask her follow-up question, the clock tolls. Just the way he timed it, the bastard.

Well. I have a train to catch! 

He gets to his feet. 

For now, London is yours. May it serve you well. 

He turns to go. 

MADGE

Fitzy? 

HOLMES

Hm? 

MADGE

I suppose all things considered, we got pretty lucky, wouldn’t you say?

HOLMES

The luckiest.

He leaves.

MADGE

Fuckin ‘Fitzy…

FAWX arrives in the doorway. 

FAWX

Madge. Are you alright? Was it Holmes, because I just saw him on my way in, smirking, classic, and -–

MADGE

No, Hampton, we’re good. 

FAWX

Right. Well. Good. James is about to introduce Watson for his statement, I think we’re meant to stand in the background for solidarity or something? 

MADGE

‘Or something’ it is. 

INT. Green Room. FAWX, MADGE, and WATSON wait for STALLION to finish ushering in the press. 

WATSON

Oh, Madge, great to see you! Actually, perfect timing, there’s someone I’d love for you to meet.

MADGE

Introducing new characters at the last second, love it. 

WATSON

This is my wife–

MADGE

(to FAWX)

Wife? Woof, should we have been feeling guilty this whole time. 

LOTTIE

–Charlotte. We’ve met. 

MADGE

Ah. Huh. You know, you look exactly like this bird from the Daughters of the Knitting Circle whose name I very embarrassingly did not know until now, and yep that is all makin’ a lotta sense. Great to see you again, Lottie.

WATSON

Oh, do you two know each other? 

LOTTIE

Ephemerally. 

MADGE

Professionally. 

WATSON

Right. Well, that’s fantastic, actually, because I think that you two would get on–

MADGE

(“I fucking knew it”)

Oh, do you think we could get on–

LOTTIE

John, it took you 10 years to sort your own love life, in what world does that give you the right to consult on anyone else’s? 

WATSON

Right, I’ll just pop round back and go fuck myself, shall I. Lottie, have a good meeting–

MADGE

Oh, I’ll be there, by the way, right after this. RSVP’ed this morning. Did you get it?  

LOTTIE

…we did. All twenty three of them. 

MADGE

Bringing my listening ears, my open mind, and my knitting needles. I’m making an effort now, you see. In fact, I’m about to effort the fuck out of this. 

WATSON

…See, Lottie? Effort! Uh, Hampton, could I have a quick word?

They step aside. 

WATSON

Look. I know I’m possibly the last person on earth you could ever want advice from–

FAWX

–fifth to last actually, but last in London, so– 

WATSON

–but I’m just gonna give some anyway, if that’s alright.

FAWX

I won’t stop you. 

WATSON

Ok, so. Thing is. I spent a decade carving out a place in my life for someone, yeah? And it’s been brought to my attention recently that I never got around to the part where I actually…invited him in. 

FAWX

I don’t see how this–

WATSON

I guess what I’m saying is…you're not the only one who’s been looking out the window. But sometimes we both just need to get out there and knock on the bloody door. Yeah? 

Beat. 

I do mean the door this time, our windows will be fully locked.  

He goes to leave. 

STALLION

(from the podium)

Thank you so much for joining us today. We will have a statement very shortly from–

FAWX

Wait, where are you going? You have a speech to give. 

WATSON

No, I don’t. You do. It’s yours now, mate. 

FAWX

I–but. No. I ca—

Beat. 

How will I know, if I’m doing it right? 

WATSON

I dunno. Ask them. 

He leaves. STALLION comes backstage. MADGE rejoins the trio. 

STALLION

Right. I think they’re all warmed up for y–aaand he’s gone. Honestly, at this point I don’t know that I’ve ever seen that man from the front. 

MADGE

He really does love an undramatic exit. What’d he say?

FAWX

He invited us to tea, I think. And he said we should give the speech. 

STALLION

Well, someone’s got to, I guess. 

An idea: 

FAWX

Madge. It should be you. I–we all know it’s not me, and you–you’re the famous one, you–

MADGE

–shoved a baby, very publicly. 

FAWX

James–

MADGE

–was accused of murder and blew up his own park–

STALLION

Passively allowed for the blowing up of said park, but yes. 

MADGE

–so none of us are exactly press darlings right now. Which just leaves… 

She lets it hang, pointedly, but FAWX is overthinking, doubting. 

Jesus, do I need to find a roof to shove you off or what? 

A beat. FAWX, realizing it’s real, finally lets himself feel excited: 

FAWX

Right. Ok then. We’re…doing this. Right?

MADGE

Oh we’re, like, fully doing it. 

STALLION

Thank god, I had so many custom hats embroidered. 

For this first time, this feels…good? What the fuck? 

FAWX

Um. Right. Well. For Ambrosius, then? 

STALLION/MADGE

For Ambrosius. 

The crowd is growing restless outside, we can hear them a little more. 

STALLION

Well they’re not gonna wait forever, so. Go, you thick knob. 

STALLION shoves him onstage. A moment where he freezes, then: 

We follow FAWX slowly to the podium. The crowd hushes a bit. FAWX thinks for a long moment before he speaks. 

FAWX

Hello. Um. Well. I’m not John Watson, obviously. But I’d actually–if it’s alright, I’d like to start by saying a few words about Sherlock Holmes.

A reaction from the audience–oh boy, here we go again. 

I know, this has historically gone quite badly for me, but I’d like to give one final shot at it. Him. 

At the same time, we’re with WATSON, who walks home alone. The crowd fades into the background, the streets are empty. He collides with a passerby, even on the empty street. 

WATSON

Oh, god, sorry, are you–

HOLMES

There does seem to be a pattern to our meetings. We should probably endeavor to change that at some point. 

It’s HOLMES. Still in his travel clothes. WATSON is surprised. 

WATSON

Oh. I thought you—your train left twenty minutes ago, why are you–

HOLMES

Well. I had a deduction recently. A huge breakthrough on that front, actually. 

WATSON

Oh? 

FAWX (o.s.)

We all try to notice things. All of us. I certainly do. And I fail, quite a bit, actually. And publically, now, too. But I try. Because as a detective, I think noticing things is important, being interested is important. You notice the things that matter. 

HOLMES

Yes, maybe my best work. I realized…they have trains every day. Quite regularly, multiple times a day. 

WATSON

Yeah, I hear they even have schedules now.

 HOLMES

Schedules, yes, you truly do catch everything. So I thought, if I don’t make the 1600, maybe I can catch the 18, or… maybe the 20.

FAWX (o.s.)

Sometimes, when you love someone, when you find someone truly extraordinary, you want to share them with the world. And by sharing them, you make them a story. 

HOLMES

Because a secondary deduction also came to me, while I was on the platform. It struck me that only a select few people in the entire world actually knew where I was. And that if I then left the platform, there would be no one. But if I came here there would only be…us.  

WATSON

A brilliant observation. 

HOLMES

And, well…with every eye in London over there for a bit…we could do anything we liked. Go anywhere. Be anyone. 

FAWX (o.s.)

And everyone has talked rather a lot lately about how Sherlock Holmes was extraordinary. But I hope that, wherever he is–the bottom of the Reichenbach falls, “Heaven,” I guess? Or even here with us today–

WATSON

Huh. And where would you like to go first? 

HOLMES considers it. 

FAWX (o.s.)

I do hope he knows he was loved, too. Not by me, quite notably. But by the ones that mattered.

HOLMES

Home, I think. 

WATSON

I’ve got nowhere else to be. 

They leave, together. Back with FAWX: 

FAWX

And I know that none of us can be loved by everyone. Including us up here, in fact, especially us, and likely by significantly fewer of you after the events of this weekend. 

But, I could tell you our story, Fawx & Stallions’ story, as easily as we told you the story of Dennis Brattleboro last night. I could tell you how we work, I could tell you about my extraordinary partners, Madge and James, I could tell you every detail of the tea we drink, the way we live, the foods we hate or just don’t understand, I could do all of that. But the same way that I will never be able to know Dennis, even after knowing so much, I could tell you everything, and I still wouldn’t be able to tell you who we are. There’s fortunately only really one way to figure that out. So, if you’re interested in something beyond those sordid details, beyond the story, if you want to know us, then we invite you to come over and knock on our door. Because we are open for business. You can find us at 224B Baker Street. 

END OF SEASON 2