EXT. 22Fun B Courtyard. Right where we left off in 2x01. 

LUCIUS

Once again, I repeat that one of our John Watsons is dead! One of the actors who plays John Watson. That we have at the park–is dead–should have led with that. 

ALL

Ohhhhh….

LUCIUS

Yeah, understandable confusion on my part, understood! But, if it's any consolation, this man–who is not John Watson–is, in fact, quite dead. 

MADGE

Well, I guess that makes more sense.

FAWX

How does it make more sense?

STALLION

Because it’s just like some attention-starved, pony-tail-ed, high-metabolismed Bohemian to ruin my press opening!

FAWX/MADGE

Whoa!

FAWX

James, I’d think you’d be a bit more sorry than this.

STALLION

Well, of course–I’m going to be 10 shades of ‘sorry’ all across that stage for the rest of the evening, but among friends I thought I could be honest.

MADGE

I respect it. 

Reporters start to rise in their excitement as LUCIUS returns to the stage.

STANDARD REPORTER

Mr. Peppermint! Mr. Peppermint! Devlin Montgomery, The Standard. Any identification on the deceased actor or are we to believe they must give up that identity to fully embrace the character?

TIMES REPORTER

Mr. Peppermint! Tuppence Montgomery, The Times. Any comment on the means of death and did it have anything to do with the curiously unambitious hors d'oeuvres selection?

SPECTACLE REPORTER

Yeah. Jacob Sullivan Montgomery, The New Jersey Spectacle - do you think 2 2 Fun B will ever offer seasonal passes for multiple days of re-entry?

LUCIUS

No comment, no comment, and due to the current economic climate, no -

STALLION

Christ, at least Lucius is handling this better than I ever could. 

LUCIUS 

However, my business partner, Mr. James Stallion, has all the further information you’ll need. He’s right there in the blue velvet suit. Yes, James, yoo hoo! Right this way, my friend. 

STALLION

Well shit. 

Brief second of silence - then…

Absolutely. I definitely have more information than we already know…

STANDARD REPORTER

Mr. Stallion! Mr. Stallion! Devlin Montgomery, The Standard. Is this death part of your claim that the entertainment at 2 2 Fun will be “fully immersive”?

TIMES REPORTER

Tuppence Montgomery, The Times. If so, can your understudy system sustain losing a different actor to theatrically contracted murder every night?

SPECTACLE REPORTER

Yeah, me again, from Jersey. It seems like, from all the attractions and murders, this is a park that benefits from multiple visits, like something that would be made available via a seasonal pass or punch card - any plans to unveil - 

STALLION

Friends, friends!

Hubbub continues.

MADGE

Oi!

Everyone shuts up.

STALLION

Thank you… Darling.

MADGE

Oh anytime, love. 

Reporters “ohhhh”

Oh piss off.

Reporters laugh. “She’s still got it”.

Ugh… 

STALLION

I can assure everyone, what’s just happened here at 2 2 Fun B Baker Merriment Park and Memorial- 

SPECTACLE REPORTER

Right, and what did just happen?

STALLION

I’m referring, of course, to the discovery of the tragic passing of… our employee - Whose name… which shall be remembered in all of our hearts… 

WEATHERBY

(whispering to James from too far away)

Dennis. 

STALLION

(cannot hear her)

Much, much more than an employee, because he was a man. A man named - ?

WEATHERBY

(louder)

Dennis.

STALLION

Whose name - 

WEATHERBY

(just gonna sneak this one in there)

Dennis.

STALLION

Ok, well I can’t - 

LUCIUS

Right, well, our Chancellor of Fun, Eliza Weatherby, has that information–Weatherby?

WEATHERBY

It’s Elizabeth.

WEATHERBY rushes onstage.

STALLION

Ms. Weatherby! Yay. She will indeed have more information about our dearly departed seasonal employee. 

WEATHERBY

Yes, Hi, Hello, members of the press, I am Elizabeth Weatherby, the Chancellor of Fun here at 22 Fun B and although we do believe the press deserves the right to know the identity of the deceased, we also want to give the privacy and respect to the victim’s family before such a time is due to occur, therefore Dennis’s identity cannot be disclosed at this- 

The Reporters swarm.

STANDARD REPORTER

Devin Montgomery. The Standard. Dennis What?

TIMES REPORTER

Tuppence Montgomery. The Times. Dennis who?

SPECTACLE REPORTER

Hi, me again. Dennis When?

WEATHERBY

They - uhh. No, that’s not - I didn’t mean to say -

STALLION

Yes! The cat’s out of the bag. It was Dennis! Sweet Dennis… whose surname was… 

WEATHERBY whispers to STALLION. The information is annoying. 

–nonexistent, because he goes only by the stage name: Dennis. Just…Dennis. Which in light of his death I find charming and not pretentious at all. However, all you need to know at this time is that Dennis was one of the wonderful actors that portrays–well, portrayed–John Watson in the Baker Street section of the Park during normal operating hours… And according to those who were lucky enough to see him perform, he really did…look exactly like John Watson!

LUCIUS

(from the side of the stage)

If not slightly more attractive!

STALLION

We here on the management team for 2 2 Fun B Baker Merriment Park and Memorial are shocked, saddened, and situationally bereft at the passing of our dear… Dennis, and are so unbelievably honored to have been his first, née only, credit on what I’m sure would have been an illustrious performance resume. 

TIMES REPORTER

Can we quote you on that?

STALLION

I wish you would. You see, friends, we, Lucius and I both, believe in transparency as well as fun. And it’s with that in mind we’d love to direct your attention to the Hard Rocks Cafe, run by soon-to-be celebrity chef Archie Cartwright! I know your dinner tickets say 8 o’clock, however we’d like to transparently announce that dinner will be served early and deliciously! So make your way up the Reichenbach Memorial Rock Path to the cafe. And be ready to decide between fish or veg!

LUCIUS

Yes! Perfect, Weatherby, will escort you up. Weatherby! 

General hubbub as the reporters get shuffled off. 

WEATHERBY

Absolutely, I will! Please follow me. Right this way to the Path with the Twisted Strip.

LUCIUS

See you all in a few! Ta ta! 

They leave. 

LUCIUS drops the customer service schtick–and the dialect. He is fully a British man that has been doing a fake accent this whole time.

WOOF. Christ on a Christmas cracker, this is properly bad, isn’t it? I’m no expert but this does not. seem. good, friends. 

MADGE

(skeptical)

“Friends?”

HAMPTON

Has that been your voice this whole–?

LUCIUS

Of course I’m aware we're going for a general “death” theme here, but this is a bit tits on a toast corner, isn’t it? We’re going to need to do about 9 different types of damage control, before we even get to the long scrape back to respectability, and - Stallion?! Where do you think you’re going?

STALLION

Right, I can see where it seemed like I was trying to make a liability-abstaining escape, but I simply have to go let the chef and dining staff know they’re about to get 50 plus guests heading their way an hour ahead of schedule. 

LUCIUS

Oh. Yes. Very thoughtful. Just… move with less suspicion, eh? 

STALLION

I’ll do what I can, but I’ve got a whole natural glide sort of thing–you get it. 

LUCIUS

A figure skater’s dream and a confidante’s nightmare. Heave on. 

STALLION runs ahead. Beat.

FAWX

Mr. Peppermint, do you–

LUCIUS

Oh, I’m sorry, small child, are you distressed? Would you care for a comfort lolly?

FAWX

What? No. It’s me, Hampton Fawx. Part of the illustrious detective team Fawx &–

LUCIUS

Oh! Of course! Mrs. Stallion! That’s right, there you are. You see, young man, a chaperone is always for the best. Now stay in school, or don’t, I didn’t and look at me now! Anywho-sles, if you don’t mind I’m going to have a comfort lolly. What do we have here - grape. Always grape. 

Puts the lolly in his mouth:

You know, the newsprint drawings really don’t do justice to your height discrepancy. 

MADGE

Yeah, they always leave out some of my vertical dimensions. 

LUCIUS

Whoopsie diddly don’t I know it. 

MADGE

What.

LUCIUS

So, you’re the expert - do you think you’ll be able to take care of this whole kit and ka-bad-time?

MADGE

I mean, tonight was supposed to be a night off but -

FAWX

But we, Madge and myself, Hampton Fawx–adult–are on the case! 

LUCIUS

And thank god you are. Because, while I’m chuffed as a bucket of snails myself, I have a business to get back to, and speaking from experience, these openings become much more annoying when the mysterious death investigation just sort of keeps going, you know? 

FAWX

I’m sorry - from “experience” - ?

LUCIUS

Thank you! Now, I have to go find the real John Watson, who apparently has no regard for a 3pm call time. Ta ta!

BRAM

(approaching, in the distance)

Mr. Peppermint, Mr Peppermint, right over here!

LUCIUS

(to Hampton and Madge, under his breath)

Oh, Christ. You know, I told my life story to that guy in a pub once and now he will not. Leave. Me. Alone. 

To BRAM, in his fake accent again as he leaves: 

Bram! Good to see you! How’s the novel coming? 

And he’s gone. 

FAWX

Fantastic! Madge, I believe our train just arrived, next stop Respect and Recognition Row! All we need to do is solve one simple death. Then, we go on to the next stop after that: Easy Street!!

LUCIUS

(in the distance, exuberant)

God bless you, Fawx & Stallion! God bless you! Tally ho!!!

MADGE

Brilliant. 

CREDITS

INT. The Hard Rocks Cafe kitchen. A bustling little kitchen with pots bubbling, bells dinging, and utensils being set up.

ARCHIE

Right, I need status reports on the Sher-hadd-ock Pies and Chutney. We are 60 to service, everyone! I also need plating and… Blast, we never settled on a plating for this did we…? McMurphy!

McMURPHY

(from the back of the cafe)

Yes, Chef! 

ARCHIE

 We did settle on a plating?

McMURPHY

Yes, Chef!

ARCHIE

Oh thank god. Alright, so I think we’re finally back on schedule. We’ll throw the pies in the oven now and in 45 we’ll be all set and ahead of -

STALLION bursts through the doors.

James?

STALLION

(out of breath)

Archie! Oh, God am I happy to see you in a good mood. 

ARCHIE

Well, I don’t know that you really took the time to check my— 

STALLION

Ah, that smile, that air of authority–you know, you are absolutely radiant–

ARCHIE

James, we’ve talked about this, information then compliments please. 

STALLION

Ah, an open-faced compliment sandwich it is then. So: we have a situation and long story short - 

McMURPHY

Cartwright, are you talking to me? Cuz I’m getting nervous the Great McMurphy Hearing is finally turning into the Great McMurphy Premature Hearing Loss and - Oh hey Jim!

STALLION

What have I told you about calling me- Nevermind - Archie I need -

ARCHIE

We’re all good in here, McMurphy! So, back to the pies, please. 

McMURPHY

Yes, Chef!

STALLION

Good, now Archie - 

ARCHIE

Oh, and McMurphy, could you do one sample of the plating we decided on so I can make any last minute adjustments?

McMURPHY

Yes, Chef! How did you want the plating?

ARCHIE

The way we - you just said we had a design for plating.

McMURPHY

Right, I think I understand what’s happened here. You didn’t ever decide on no plating.

ARCHIE

But when I asked, you said “Yes.”

McMURPHY

I said “Yes, Chef,” like you taught me to respond.

STALLION

Archie - 

ARCHIE

So you’ve been saying “Yes, Chef” to everything I’ve been asking you, even when the answer is “no”?

McMURPHY

Yes, Chef!

ARCHIE

I–mm. Is that “Yes, Chef” meaning “Yes” or “Yes, Chef” meaning “no”? 

McMURPHY

Yes! 

ARCHIE waits for the inevitable:

…Chef.

ARCHIE

I–! 

To himself, calming:

Perspective, Archie, he quit the police force for this. 

STALLION

(‘this is an emergency’ voice)

Archie! 

ARCHIE

Oh god your Emergency Voice, what happened? Did a child spittle on your velvet suit again?

STALLION

No, thank god. There’s been a… How best to sum this up? So, John Watson is dead. 

ARCHIE

WHAT?!

STALLION

Oh! Right, sorry, second time that’s happened. One of our Watson actors has been found dead.

ARCHIE

Oh my. Which one? 

STALLION

Dennis.

ARCHIE

Oh thank god. 

He catches himself.

I mean, not thank god. But, you know. He was clearly more of an actor than he was a server. 

STALLION

Right, well, we’ll be circling back to that moment of callous pragmatism later, but for now, we’ve sent the press this way to keep the mood up and buy some time so Madge and Hampton can begin the investigation. So we’re going to need hors d'oeuvres, cocktails, finger treats, main courses, and dessert sampler trays ready to go in… as soon as possible.

ARCHIE

That’s, um, ok. How soon is ‘as soon as possible’? 

The press begin to arrive outside. Muffled, we hear.

WEATHERBY

Now, who here likes scotch eggs?

TIMES

Me, me, me!

STANDARD

I’ve always wanted to try those!

SPECTACLE

Is it anything like my Aunt Sheila's fagioli?

Beat.

STALLION

You’re going to be so great and I love you?

ARCHIE rallies. 

ARCHIE

Alright…uh, McMurphy?

McMURPHY

Yes, chef!

ARCHIE

What do we have that’s ready to serve? 

McMURPHY

Pies are in the oven, cocktails are still infusing, mini quiches are cooling, Oh! We have some carrots and micro greens you wanted to decorate the pies with. 

ARCHIE

Well, throw it on a platter and call it crudité. And get those mini quiches out there.

McMURPHY

But Cartwright, they’re still cooling. I really think we should give the quiches another few - !

ARCHIE

McMurphy, no input, just action. Better a scorched tongue than a famished tum. Heard?

McMURPHY

Yes, Chef! On it. And, hey, thanks for stopping in, Jim, always great to see you. I can’t wait for you to see what Cartwright’s been cooking - 

STALLION/ARCHIE

McMurphy!

McMURPHY

Heard, Chef! I won’t let you down, Chef! See ya, Jim!

McMURPHY leaves hurriedly. 

STALLION

I don’t know how many times I’ve told him. I did not get hit by a carriage for my name to be reduced to three of our alphabet’s most forgettable letters. Are you alright? You haven’t looked up from the cutting board in about 4 minutes.

ARCHIE

What? Oh, yes. Just… in the zone, so to speak. Got a bit of a late start on account of trying to accommodate the new menu edits–by the way, lamb is apparently very expensive this time of year so unfortunately Shank-lock Bones won’t be on the menu for tonight. But if you can grab those mini quiches and follow me to the oven, we might still be able to turn out the  Sher-haddock Pies. 

STALLION

Ah, well, we always knew it was a dream. So. Archie. My dear. Have I earned a transition into the “compliments” part of the conversation yet? 

ARCHIE

…I’ll allow it. 

They begin walking with the trays of quiches. 

STALLION

You? Are stunning. 

ARCHIE

Stop.

STALLION

Those carrots? So symmetrical. So cubed. 

ARCHIE

No.

STALLION

The crimping? To die for. 

ARCHIE

Inappropriate–

STALLION

Pivoting! The hair net? You know, I don’t know anyone who could make food safety look so stylish yet so… up to standard…

ARCHIE laughs.   

ARCHIE

Alright, alright, your debt is paid. Now bugger off because we have quite a bit of work to do, very quickly, and we can’t afford any more distractions. Even very handsome ones. 

STALLION

Yes, Ch-  

A huge crash of dishes from the house. A distant “ow” from McMurphy. 

ARCHIE

McMurphy… Everything alright in there…?

McMURPHY

(weakly, as if a stack of plates just fell on him) 

Yes… Chef…!

ARCHIE

I’m going to choose to believe that one means “Yes”.

EXT. Outside of the Reichenbach Falls section of the park.

Leaves rustle as FAWX and MADGE make their way through the brush.

MADGE

You sure we’re heading the right way?

FAWX

Absolutely. The other night, James mentioned the quickest way to the paddle boat stand at the foot of the falls was to go past the Sign of Four after the Five Orange Dips condiment stand. 

MADGE

Well how are we supposed to know what the Sign of Four even is? I swear, they add new attractions here faster than I shed women in my early 20s. And beyond. 

FAWX

Well I’m not going to let your crabby exterior crustatean-ize my enthusiasm for a new case. This is everything we’ve ever wanted, Madge! Finally an opportunity to show off our skills in front of the most important people in the world: journalists and minor city officials!

MADGE

I don’t think I’ve ever even said the words “city officials” in my life.

FAWX

Well, dunk my biscuits, Madge, we found the Sign of Four - we must be close!  

MADGE

How do you even know what it is we’re– that is just a sign with the number 4 on it. Ok. 

FAWX

Ok indeed! Which means the body should be right over - WHAT?!

Three Scotland Yard officers talking amongst themselves at distance. Clip-clop of horse hooves. 

What in the dull English countryside is Scotland Yard doing here already?

BRADDOCK

(Behind them to the left)

Scotland Yard could ask you the same question. 

Cornelius the horse neighs. 

FAWX

AHH!

MADGE

Do NOT sneak up on a woman in the woods especially after a murder, what are you fuckin’ mental

BRADDOCK

Well, well, well if it isn’t London’s number two team for slurping up Sherlock Holmes’ sloppy seconds. 

WHITTLE

(behind them to the right)

Slurp, slurp, slurppin’ around for a little whiff, are ya? Mrs. Stallion, charmed as ever.

MADGE

Inspector Braddock, Constable Whittle, ponies two–

BRADDOCK

First of all they’re Shetlands and second, their names are Cornelius and Rodney, and third, I know you know that. 

The two horses whinny a bit. 

MADGE

I didn’t realize Scotland Yard was letting you four back out into the field. What was it, Hampton, 12 wrongful arrests in the past 3 months? 

FAWX

12? No, that seems like an artful exaggeration - 

MADGE

(aside to Hampton)

Hampton, when I’m big talkin’, I just need you to big talk too. Got it?

FAWX

(aside to Madge)

Big Talk engaged. 

Back to BRADDOCK and WHITTLE:

So… what are you doing here… you…fuckers?

WHITTLE

Hey.

BRADDOCK

Whittle.

WHITTLE

Right, sorry, big talk. Actually, ever since Cartwright and McMurphy pissed off to Piss-Shit Island that’s Inspector Whittle now. And we’re both very happy about it.

MADGE

Oh yeah, Braddock? You happy about that? 

BRADDOCK

(he’s not)

… pff yeah. 

WHITTLE

And as you may or may not know, Inspector Braddock and I have been assigned to investigate the death of one of the park’s performers - 

BRADDOCK pulls WHITTLE briefly to the side. Clop clop. 

BRADDOCK

Whittle! 

WHITTLE

What?

BRADDOCK

If they didn’t already know that information you just told them private Scotland Yard business - 

WHITTLE

Right, but they did already have that information so - 

BRADDOCK

We don’t know that.

WHITTLE

Right but they were here when it happened. 

BRADDOCK

Don’t know that neither, do we. 

WHITTLE

Right but then why else would they be walking toward the location of the body in full formal attire. 

BRADDOCK

I don’t know, Inspector, maybe they got lost. Maybe they just wanted to go out for a stroll.

MADGE

Maybe I saw an old ex-lover in the crowd of press and couldn’t bear the sight of them on the job when we both know their dedication to the job was what made us end things in the first place.

BRADDOCK

Right maybe it was - no way, really? Who was it? 

MADGE

Wouldn’t you like to know…

His pause tells her he does. 

No, we’re here cuz of the body.

WHITTLE

See, told you. Commissioner said, I’ve got good instincts. 

BRADDOCK

(Calm down, kid)

He said you had ‘strong’ instincts, there’s a difference.

WHITTLE

Yeah, but ‘Strong’s still ‘good’, eh? Synonyms.

Beat.

FAWX

So can we see the body or - ?

BRADDOCK

Nah, nah, nah Mr. Faux - [pronounced “foe”]

FAWX

It’s Fawx.

BRADDOCK

Yeah, Bullshit. This is Scotland Yard’s jurisdiction now, specifically Constable Whittle–

WHITTLE

–Inspector Whittle–

BRADDOCK

–Inspector Whittle’s and mine, so why don’t you just fuck off back to your galas, and your newspaper write ups, and your positive track record for catching criminals.

WHITTLE

Yeah, cuz some of us have something to prove. 

BRADDOCK

(Just to WHITTLE, can’t let the others see them sweat)

That’s not what I - no - I’m just trying to -

WHITTLE

What, you told me to back you up more - 

BRADDOCK

Yeah, but not like that. You’re making it sound like we’re coming at this from a disadvantage.

WHITTLE

But we are coming at this thing from a disadvantage.

BRADDOCK

Right, fine, sure, but they don’t know our track record-

WHITTLE

But they do know our track record, they mentioned it earlier. 

BRADDOCK

Well, that doesn’t matter! Cuz we’re the police. We’re here on legal police duty. And something you may not know, Mrs. Stallion and Mr. Faux, is that our duty is important. Maybe the most important duty there is.

WHITTLE

Yeah, massive important shit. 

BRADDOCK

So, we’re not just gonna let you poke around and get your grubby little - wait, no, where’s the bird.

MADGE has already walked over to the scene of the crime.

MADGE

Alright, gents, out of the way, real detective, on her day off, coming through. 

WHITTLE

No, no! You can’t -

MADGE

Oh, sorry, were you still talking back there? I just figured may as well start trying to solve this thing, you know, given the murderer is probably still around and all.

BRADDOCK

Oh yeah, and what makes you think that?

WHITTLE

Small guest list, tight security, eyes on who’s coming in and going out at all times, it makes sense.

MADGE

Look at you putting together the edges of this puzzle, there may be an inspector in you yet. 

WHITTLE

Aw, thanks. That’s how I feel. 

MADGE

Right, so, where’s the body then? 

BRADDOCK

Hey! Cut it out, we don't know anything until our forensics team has done their sweep.

MADGE

Good point. Forensics Paul, what do we got?

FORENSICS PAUL

Looks like a pretty cut and dry toppling off the top of a man made waterfall into the waters below. Pretty standard. No signs of a struggle, which is not pretty standard, and only one set of footsteps up there and none down here that we’ve been able to see so long as you keep those Shetlands off the grass! Honestly, Braddock.

BRADDOCK

What, I ain’t moved. 

FORENSICS PAUL

Our dearly departed must have fallen from at least 20 meters up. Which would explain all the blood. 

MADGE

Oh wow, Hampton, we just may be good at this.

FAWX

Sorry what blood.

FORENSICS PAUL

The puddle you’re standing in.

FAWX

You say this is all…his blood? Oh…

FAWX gets nauseous. 

I thought it was rain. I… I thought it was - 

FORENSICS PAUL

It’s not. It’s blood. More than likely due to the wound on the leg where the bone just really popped straight out through the skin of the calf. Like a German Pop-up book but with bone.

FAWX

I see how you got there.

MADGE

Right, and where is that bone, now? Along with the rest of him?  

FITZY

My guess would be with the coroner by now.  

MADGE

Damn, you’re right, the - Oh, bloody hell, who let the press in?

FITZY

We never finished up our little tete-a-tete earlier. And how could one pass up the opportunity to see the newly-crowned, and elegantly worded,“best detective in London” at work on her first murder case. 

FAWX

(still queasy)

And his murder case. Hampton Fawx’s. Also. 

FITZY

So, Mrs. Stallion, any thought as to what you’d like to say to the public about your first major case post-coronation, as it were? 

MADGE

Sure, number one, how the fuck did you find us. And two - 

BRADDOCK

Number two is that this body, this case, and this possible murder-slash-definite mysteriously-circumstanced death are Scotland Yard duties! 

WHITTLE

Yeah! We gotta get this evidence collected and get down to the coroner so unless you got one of these uncomfortable hats and non-infant-proof badges, step away from the scene of the crime.

MADGE

Ok, alright, heard. My partner, Mr. Fawx and I will leave London’s finest to it. Goodnight all, keep up the good fight, catch the dastardly culprit, and we’ll uhh… fuckin… get lost. 

FAWX

Madge, what are you -

MADGE

We’ll be leaving! Just the two of us will be leaving - and in case you didn’t infer that was directed entirely at you, news jockey. No fuckin’ comment!

FAWX & MADGE walk a bit away. STALLION approaches hurriedly.

STALLION

Saviors! Thank god I found you. 

FAWX

James! I’m so happy you finally arrived - Madge and I have begun investigating the scene of the crime.

MADGE

Hilariously simplistic way of saying we got kicked off the scene by Scotland Yard, but… Any way Archie could pull some strings and get these amateur nightstick jockeys off our backs?

STALLION

I wish, unfortunately dear Archie is incredibly busy right now on official 2 2 Fun Business.

MADGE

Cooking and Serving?

STALLION

Officially. Now, what did you find, because I’ve got to be honest, a dead body on the soft open of a hotly anticipated new merriment park and memorial is not only a death sentence for said park but uncomfortably ironic. And not in a fun way.

MADGE

I don’t know, I’m starting to have fun. 

FAWX

Oh don’t worry, James. This is going to be a walk in the park–figuratively and literally. No signs of a struggle at the top of the falls, and only one set of footsteps, presumably Dennis’s. This does seem like an open and shut case of accidentally falling off a slippery man-made waterfall. Textbook, really.

STALLION

Hampton, you know how I feel about education and the books they use to make it happen. This can absolutely not be an open and shut case of accidentally falling off a slippery man-made waterfall. To put it sensitively, we’re going to need a murder. 

FAWX

Uh, right. Sure, sure. Only… why?

STALLION

Because a murder is fun, a murder says “5-Star immersive storytelling!” It’s sexy and on brand and if families complain, well, that’s their fault for not reading the marketing. An accident, however, says “your park is a themed death trap for your underpaid non-union employees”, and it’ll be impossible to convince John and Jane Nobody to bring their nine children and shifty au pair here for merriment (and grieving) with the threat of actual death looming over their middle class heads!

MADGE

Well, I’m sure if we got a closer look there may be more evidence to potentially point to something more… nefarious. 

FAWX

Madge, are you actually insinuating we let James’s business determine the course of our investigation? I’m sure once the public is awed by our impressive speed in solving the case - 

MADGE

I dunno, I could be compelled by a murder angle. 

STALLION

Oh thank god! That would be perfect!

FAWX

Wha - 

MADGE

James, we’re with you on this but you’ve gotta bring the enthusiasm down.

STALLION

I know, but think of it this way: a murderer can be caught, by both of you! Meaning a rousing opening night story and another notch on the ole Fawx & Stallion victory belt, not to mention my first major venture into public attractions doesn’t have to go the way of Precarious Playland or Litigation Lagoon. So please, whatever you have to do, get out there, catch a murderer, and save this park. Now as much as I would love to help you, I must schmooze harder than any man has ever schmoozed before. I’ll do my best to save you some mini quiches!

STALLION leaves.

MADGE

They better not be ones with ham! 

FAWX

Madge, you can’t possibly be serious about this being some falsified fatalistic fiend rambling about bumping off celebrity look-a-like employees?

MADGE

Maybe I am, maybe I ain’t, maybe I figured it was my night off but I still made the effort to go out so we may as well get on with it. And if we’re going to investigate we’re going to need to get a bit more information from Dearly Departed Dennis. 

FAWX

Excellent alliteration - 

MADGE

And luckily, we know just where to find him. 

INT. The Coroner’s Office. 

It’s dark and drab, a Victorian Coroner's office. Not the cleanest or most hygienic place. Drips occasionally in the background. Maybe more mad scientist's lair than a place to conduct official medical business. The door opens. FAWX & MADGE sneak in…

FAWX

…Right, but Madge, it’s dark. 

MADGE

You know that means fuck all and a side of chips. Get in there and find that body.

The lights turn on. Revealing Iphegenia (IPHY) Brown. 

IPHY

Salutations, friends!

FAWX

Agh!

MADGE

Jesus!

IPHY

Ahh, my mistake! Would you like me to turn the light off again?

MADGE

Please don’t. 

FAWX

Apologies, madam, we…assumed anyone on duty had left for the night. 

IPHY

‘Left for the night’? And missed the 12 and a seventh percent chance to see my two favorite detectives? I’d bloody well think not. You know I was really hoping I’d get to see you. In person and in the flesh. And here you are. Bloody mental. So, how have you been?   

FAWX

Sorry, have we met? 

IPHY

(duh)

Have we met, of course we’ve met! Sort of. In that we–the United Coroners of London (Union Strong)--have met you, but you haven’t technically met us - or, specifically me. Iphegenia Brown–but you can call me Iphy if that’s too many syllables, as I’ve been told that it is. I know your job requires stealth. Trimming all the excess fat until you're left with just the lean cut. And by the by, I just want you to know, the UCL was very impressed by your remarks about Sherlock Holmes when he died, Mr Fawx. 

MADGE

Hey, that’s a win, Hampton– Coroners love you! She even said your real name!

IPHY

You bet your sister’s soggy shortbread we do. We’ve been saying it for years at meetings, work retreats, and Christmas lock ins, that Mr Holmes can’t keep going over our head like this. Bringing his own doctor to the scenes of crimes, stepping in front of due process and getting all the glory for it, it’s an insult to our profession. I mean, what is a coroner without a body? It’s like a body without air! Dead! 

FAWX

Right, just - 

IPHY

But you! You brought us a Murder! It’s just so… thoughtful? Ya know? They’re really the only time we get to shine. An opportunity to really help, but then in walks Thin Jaw McSolves-a-Lot just giving that juicy opportunity to some bookishly handsome doctor who specializes in bloody living people?! But, you know, no one bothers to ask our opinion unless someone’s dead. Which, luckily, now someone is! 

MADGE

Yay! 

IPHY

Would you like some tea? I just finished some new ceramics that double as bowls and juice glasses. 

FAWX

No, thank you, Iphegenia. We were just… passing through to…thank you for your support and…show solidarity against Sherlock Holmes and all. 

MADGE

Bastard finally dies and can’t even leave a body for you to embalm? The indignities never cease! 

IPHY

Oh! Oh. That’s strange, so…  so it has nothing to do with the body that’s just been delivered here for examination?

FAWX

What?! 

MADGE

Pff!

FAWX

That–wha–the body from the? No!  

MADGE

Here?

IPHY

Yes, it’s just on the examining table in the theater. But if you’re not interested then -

MADGE

Well, I mean if we’re here, you know? 

FAWX

I would very much like to see the body please.

IPHY

Quite interesting, really. Potentially perfect for a coroner-friendly detective such as yourself… Mr. Fawx.

FAWX

And Mrs. Stallion too, as well. 

MADGE

Ya know what, you two just ignore me, it’s like I’m not even here. 

FAWX

OR we can all go in together! Just Hampton and the gals - Hampton and the Women - Hampton and the two professional colleagues who happen to be…

MADGE

Go on, finish it. 

FAWX

You know what, I think I’m fine. 

Beat.

So… body’s right in here? 

Walking into…

WHOOSH. INT. Examination Theater

The sound of lights and candles burning. 

IPHY

I’ve only just done the preemptive examination, haven’t gotten around to all the juicy bits yet. 

MADGE

‘Only just’? Wasn’t it pitch black when we arrived?

IPHY

Oh, yes. I find we rely too much on sight as a sense when it really should only be 20% of how we experience the world. I’m training up my other senses by performing Sensual Autopsies - removing one sense at a time to train up the others so that if anything were to ever happen to one of ‘em my life would only be disrupted one-fifth as much. 

FAWX

Oh, well I suppose that’s an admirable- 

IPHY

Which one’s your favorite sense? Oh! Let’s say together on the count of three, shall we? Ready. 1, 2, 3 - Smell!

MADGE

Cool, so the body here is - 

IPHY

He didn’t say his.

MADGE

I’m sorry?

IPHY

Hampton didn’t get the chance to say his favorite sense. We were going to say it together. On the count of three. But when I said “three” he didn’t say anything. And I said mine. So now you know something about me but I don’t know any more about you. That’s not fair. How do I know you’re not going to use this information against me some day? 

MADGE

Uhh… what?

IPHY

(starting the exact same speech again)

You didn’t say your favorite sense. We were going to say it together. On the count of three - 

MADGE

‘Scuse me, Iphy. Just one little…

She pulls FAWX aside. 

Christ, Hampton, just say a sense and let’s get on with it. 

FAWX

But I don’t want to. I never said I was going to volunteer that information, and besides, I need to think about it. 

MADGE

We just need to see this body, man. Say ‘smell’.

FAWX

But ‘smell’ was her favorite.

MADGE

So?

FAWX

So, she’ll think I just said that because I didn’t put any thought into it, her sympathies will instantly turn against us. 

MADGE

Fine–taste? 

FAWX

In a morgue? 

MADGE

Touch?

FAWX

Nah, totally wrong for me.

MADGE

Oh my god, ‘sight’ then! 

FAWX

The one she’s phasing out?! Come on, Madge, use your brain for god’s sake!

MADGE

Well, there’s only one left now, genius! 

FAWX

Ah, process of elimination, my old friend. Iphy? 

IPHY

(She’s right behind him)

Mr. Fawx.

FAWX

Agh! I’m going to go with…hearing.

IPHY

Oh wow… really? Huh…

Beat. We get the sense that this was kind of a disappointing answer. 

Well, would you like to see the body - ?

FAWX

Yes please!

MADGE

Fucking finally!

IPHY

As you can see, this is your standard late-20s, caucasian, male nothing to write home about.

MADGE

You’re telling me.

FAWX

Madge, he’s dead, have a sense of respect.

MADGE

More of a ‘touch’ gal myself. 

IPHY

Oooh! This is interesting here. Past the piercing Tibia and over the long johns you can see a tag, here on the bottom of the brown houndstooth jacket. 

MADGE

What’s it say?

FAWX

“J.W.” Well obviously that must mean - 

IPHY

I know… “Joan Wetsan”.

Beat.

FAWX

(Trying to be nice)

I’m… hmm… Now, Iphegenia who might be -

MADGE

Who the fuck is “Joan Wetsan”?

IPHY

She sat behind me in Forensic Pathology at Uni. Always copied off my notes and never let me sit with her at lunch. Smelled vaguely of old pudding…and silk…

Beat.

FAWX

Right - and that’s a great, great guess - or.

MADGE

Or it stands for “John Watson”. Because that was the label on his costume. 

IPHY

Hmm… Unlikely but I guess he does kind of look like him. From the profile. Maybe. Honestly he’s the spitting image of Joan Wetsan as well, so you shouldn’t count her out either. 

MADGE

Oh, don’t worry, we won’t. What about the pockets, let’s check those– 

MADGE starts rifling through the pockets.

FAWX

Madge! What are you doing, we’re not allowed to just rifle through the pockets of a dead man!

IPHY

Oh, I don’t mind. How do you think I got this watch? Or these earrings? Or this lab coat? 

FAWX

Dead… /bodies - ?

IPHY

Dead bodies - yeah, you got it. 

MADGE

Aha! What have we here, ya little devil?

FAWX

What is it?!

IPHY

Oh! Dibs if it’s not evidence!

MADGE

It was found on a body, of course it’s… nevermind. It’s a note. 

FAWX

What’s it say?

MADGE

Yeah, I’m getting to that, what do you think I’m not gonna read it out loud or something?

FAWX

Well, I just - in case it was an issue of sensitivity and all parties couldn’t… be privy to it.

IPHY

Don’t worry, Mr. Fawx, you can read whatever you want in here. In fact, I have some books I’m sure could make the queen herself blush the deepest shade of red … if you understand my meaning.

MADGE

Yeah, we got it.

IPHY

Church-based erotica. 

MADGE

Yeah, I said we got it. 

FAWX

Church-based?

IPHY

Yes. 

MADGE

And back to the evidence. Now–huh. .

MADGE stumbles upon a note in Dennis’s pocket.

FAWX

What?

MADGE

“My dear Watson. I write these few lines through the courtesy of Mr. Moriarty…” -

FAWX

Oh my god…

MADGE

“--who awaits my convenience for the final discussion of those questions which lie between us—” Jesus, can this guy just write a sentence, I’m skipping.

FAWX

Oh my god!

MADGE

“--and believe me to be, my dear fellow–”

FAWX

Oh - 

IPHY

Your God! This is just how my erotica begins. 

FAWX

Uh-huh. Madge! This is a major clue! I mean, that has to be–

MADGE

Holmes’s final letter.

FAWX

The one the doctor was going to read today.

MADGE

Jesus, terrible handwriting on that. But why would Dennis have this? 

FAWX

Great point, Madge! Why would an actor playing John Watson, dressed as John Watson–

MADGE

–with the real John Watson’s nicked speech in his pocket– 

FAWX

– accidentally fall off a cliff at the exact moment he was supposed to appear onstage?

MADGE

Only one solution.

FAWX

Well I’ll be good and god-damned. 

FAWX/MADGE

It’s a murder. 

IPHY 

Well, I could have told you that–he was dead before he hit the water. 

FAWX/MADGE

What?!

IPHY

Well, yeah. I mean I’ll need to do a tox report and a full autopsy but honestly I could tell he was gone before his tumble even with the lights off. Which I did. 

MADGE

Then why didn’t you just lead with tha–nevermind, that helps us. Hampton, it a murder!

FAWX

Oh my god, look at my arm right now. Hairs standing up. I’ve got goosebumps!

IPHY

I usually only get those when I drink too much raw milk.

MADGE

Hampton, this is incredible! Iphy, you should stop drinking raw milk, we pasteurize for a reason. Hampton again, we’ve got to get back to 224B and do what we do best.

FAWX

Get drunk and start putting together a wall of evidence?

MADGE

Get drunk and start putting together a wall of evidence. Iphy, once the toxicology report is done let us know. 

IPHY

Anything for you, Mr. Fawx. 

MADGE

I’m the one who asked, but as long as it gets us the report, I don’t care. Hampton, let’s go.

FAWX

Oh thank god, Madge. I really needed this. 

MADGE

I know you did, Hampton. I know you did. 

MADGE and FAWX leave.

IPHY

Goodnight! I’ll be here when you need more information! Now, time for some reading…

INT. 224B Baker St. 

The door bursts open! MADGE & FAWX come barreling in, throwing theories at each other and getting their coats/shoes off.

MADGE

… which is exactly why the press opening of a new amusement park-

FAWX

–and memorial–

MADGE

–and memorial, would be the perfect place for the crime!

FAWX

Exactly! Whoever did this - oh, hello Ambrosius.

MADGE

Hello Ambrosius.

AMBROSIUS responds “Hello” but it’s one of those cute/weird cat chirps. You get it.  

FAWX

Whoever did this knew the stir it would cause.

MADGE

One hundred percent.

FAWX

They knew it would send a message and spoil the press opening!

MADGE

Easily!

FAWX

They knew - dare I say more?

MADGE

Fuckin’ dare!

FAWX

They knew it could shut down the park!

MADGE

Whoa, look at the ‘dare’ on him, Ambrosius. 

AMBROSIUS responds. 

FAWX

Or! Or am I wrong?

MADGE

Honestly? Probably, but that’s what tonight’s for! We’ve got to get all the bad theories out now before we start pointing fingers.

The door bursts open again, STALLION rushes in.

FAWX/MADGE

James!

STALLION

Madge, Hampton, Ambrosius.

All three acknowledge. 

So… I’ve got great news but first we need an appetizer, what did you find?

MADGE

Look at that, Hampton, barging in without a mini quiche in sight.

STALLION

Well, I do actually have a very good reason for that one.

FAWX

They only had the ones with ham?

STALLION

Close! I forgot. 

MADGE

Tracks. Well we - 

FAWX

(like he’s telling his family “it’s a girl” at a gender reveal party)

It’s a murder! 

STALLION

Stop. Really? Oh yes, YES! God, why did I get out of this business.

MADGE

To open a theme park. 

STALLION

And memorial–and open it will be! On time and to huge crowds. As long as we catch the murderer before opening we’ll be so rich we’ll be riding first class on a holiday to a destination we’ve already been to. 

FAWX

Before… the opening? 

STALLION

Exactly.

MADGE

Right, which is…?

STALLION

Standard British Merriment Park (and Memorial) Bylaws state “grand openings will occur exactly three days after the Press Opening,” am I the only one who knows the rules?

MADGE

Yes. So that means that we have…?

STALLION

Three days, yes, but we did solve the Fletchley Case over a three day weekend, this should be a breeze!

MADGE

For our–may I underline this information–first ever murder case? 

FAWX

Absolutely. Absolutely yes! 

MADGE

Right, but aren’t there going to be a lot of eyes on this?

STALLION

No more so than usual. Just The Times, The Standard, The Strand, The Independent Sun, The Dependent Sun, The Everly Newsletter, The Quarterly Gazette, The Bi-Quarterly Gazette, The Handsome Steam Journal, The Reginald Post, The Grump Report, Uncle Simon’s Almanac, Lady Worthington’s Silk Napkin Digest, The Quartermaster’s Manifest, The Lazy Diurnal, Professor Buckbottom’s Starlight Periodical, The Fly, The Literary Town Crier, The literal Town Crier, Aesop’s Playbills, The Kensington Night Minutes, The Dearly Bi-Fold, The Merely Tri-Fold, The Four-Page New Age Yearly Leinfold, The Bridgewagoner’s Daughter’s Great-Grandson’s Lament, Sarah’s Sunday Serial, The Birthday Bulletin, Scotland Yard, The general public, and Lucius Peppermint. But trust me, they’re all going to love you!  

MADGE

Alright then… I suppose we should get started. You staying? 

STALLION

Would that I could, mon cheri, but I have some celebrating to do with a certain mustachioed partner of mine, and that celebrating will be of the fornicating variety.

MADGE

We get it, you fuck. Good for you. 

STALLION

Indeed. A lot. So I can look forward to seeing you at the park tomorrow for the first day of your investigation? I’m dying to see what you do first.

FAWX

Oh James, no…

MADGE

Boooooo. Lazy!

STALLION

It was right there! 

MADGE

Alright, Hampton, any ideas? 

FAWX

Actually, I do. I do! James, do you think you could get us into the park undetected?

STALLION

Sure, let me just talk to the owner. James, could they–of course you can! 

FAWX

There we go!

MADGE

Fuck yeah, we can.

STALLION

Just not you, Madge.

Beat. 

MADGE

Ex-fucking-scuse me? Why not?

STALLION

Oh, see, that’s where my great news comes into play. I got you… a profile piece!

MADGE

James, I think I speak for both Hampton and me when I say, what the fuck is a profile piece and how come I’m the only one doing it?

FAWX

I did know what a profile piece was but regarding the second question I was very much wondering as well. 

STALLION

A profile piece is one long editorial completely and totally about you! Yay! Exciting! I know your face isn’t saying it but shock will do that. You’ll be spending the next 3 days with an impeccable journalist taking down all your thoughts, all of your process, and telling the Madge Stallion story the way it was meant to be told: by you, through the voice and words of some else. 

MADGE’S furious silence is perhaps not what STALLION was hoping for. 

Despite your furious silence, I can tell that the excitement will begin to seep in any–

MADGE

Who. The FU–

The door creaks open, FITZY steps in.

FITZY

Mrs. Stallion. Perhaps you remember me from earlier. Big fan. 

End of Part Two.