Chapter FIFTEEN: The Case of the birthday boy
EXT. Outside of CARLTON HOUSE. The next evening. Around 7:30 PM. The episode unfolds entirely in real time.
FAWX, MADGE, STALLION, ARCHIE, and FITZY stealth down the street and around to the back entrance of Carlton House, a swanky establishment for men’s clubs and rich get-togethers.
FAWX
Everyone, shh!
Everyone stops, a bush shakes.
Alright, let’s keep going.
MADGE
Hampton -
FAWX
Shh!
MADGE
Right, ya wanna repeat that or -
FAWX
Shh!!
FITZY
Perhaps we should keep it down.
MADGE
What? Fitzy, not you too.
FAWX
Shh!!! And thank you but no thank you, Fitzy. I don’t believe I remember ever asking for your assistance anyway, now shh.
MADGE
Oi! Lay off Fitzy. He’s just here to write his article and make his terrible drinks. You can be personable for a couple more days before he fucks back off to whatever gray and phonetically complicated island he came from.
FITZY
Belfast.
MADGE
Not the time, I’m defending you!
FITZY
There’s really no need, I don’t feel threatened at all.
FAWX
Excuse me?
FITZY
Oh, sorry, did you want me to feel threatened?
FAWX
Who even are you?
STALLION
Alright, stop! I don’t know what the mood is right now, but I don’t like it. Truly, I don’t. Are we forgetting we’re about to be in Carlton House?! An establishment so exclusive, so secretive no one, myself included, really even knows what it’s for! Now we’ve all been working hard. All of us. And we deserve, nay, require, nay… back-to-Deserve-again, Deserve an evening of light detective work in London’s most exclusive building -
ARCHIE
Forgetting the Palace?
MADGE
Ehh, not that exclusive. Play a recorder in a primary school pageant and you get an invite.
STALLION
(bulldozing)
If nobody’s going to be excited about Lucius Peppermint’s Gaga-for-Galas Charity-a-Thon, then I have no problem leaving you all behind and going by myself. Now, let’s do what we do best: drink expensive alcohol on other people’s tabs and pursue a highly achievable goal of speaking to a doctor who has already RSVPed.
MADGE
Easy for you to say, you’re not dressed up like the textbook definition of a server right now. I mean the pleats, my god.
STALLION
Neither are you?
MADGE
I meant Hampton. Look at him, he looks like someone’s ward.
FAWX
First of all, I’m not a ward, I’m actor Flexton Jones in my work attire of white gloves and tails to cater this event. Second, we are trying to pursue a man who is notoriously flighty these days and potentially the actual target of the murder that happened just days ago. In fact, by wearing this outfit, I am showing respect and dedication to not only this case, but to the craft of acting and catering itself. Now what about Fitzy? Can he do that for you?
Beat.
MADGE
Uh….I mean, yeah? I haven’t checked, but–
FITZY
Well.
MADGE
–I feel like that might be–I mean, I don’t wanna speak for–
FITZY
More or less doable.
ARCHIE
(still very hungover from the previous night)
Hampton, I say this with love, your energy right now is not doing what you think it is.
FAWX
How am I in the wrong for wanting to get something right?
MADGE
Ok, fine, I’m sorry about the “ward” bit. I was trying to be empathetic about your child-sized get-up. Fitzy, jot that down, I’m magnanimous.
FAWX
Fitzy will jot none of that down! It’s not magnanimous if it’s on the record. You know what, I’ll just find the entrance myself!
FAWX trudges off.
MADGE
A tux and pleated shorts … It's just sad. Alright, you know, I don’t say this often enough but James is right.
STALLION
Thank you!
MADGE
We’re all here, we’re all dressed up, let’s get eyes on Peppermint and the good Doctor and if there’s a crab puff in my future as well, so be it.
ARCHIE
I’m going to need all of us to bring the volume down a few decibels. It’s still very bright.
STALLION
It’s the evening. Archie, dear are you - ?
ARCHIE
Besides, we actually traded out the crab puffs for something McMurphy calls “Roll-y Mackerels!” Essentially a fish croquette and tartar reduction, but in a ball.
FAWX
(from a distance away)
I think I found it!
MADGE
Alright then, come on, let’s show Fitzy one solid ka-bang before we never have to see him again. I’m in a heel that’s getting less sensible by the second. And no, I did not mean to make that sound like Fitzy was gonna kick the–
A bucket is kicked in the distance.
FAWX
(in the distance)
Bucket! Not a door, sorry.
MADGE
(As they approach FAWX)
See, Fitzy, I view what we have as more like fostering one of those elderly dogs at Pound of the Baskervilles; we’ll enjoy ourselves, we’ll make some memories, but we all know what it is.
FAWX
(From a distance)
Aha!
FAWX bangs on a metallic door trying to find when the wall ends and the door begins.
I think I found the service entrance.
He knocks a fun, excited little rhythm.
Everyone arrives at FAWX.
Now, I’ve had the time and distance to think about it, and while I do not apologize for feeling as strongly as I do, I do apologize for the way it may have come out.
A huge door creaks open.
LUCIUS
Excuse me, my dear boy, but if you’re knocking to the tune of Greensleeves I’m afraid I will have to call the authorities - ?
STALLION
Ah, Lucius! No need to investigate the boy’s rhythmic intentions any further, it’s just James Stallion and Co.
ARCHIE/MADGE
“And Co.”?
LUCIUS
Ahh! Mr. Stallion, You’ve arrived! Excellent. Oh, and Mrs. Stallion, a pleasure as always. And in a sensible heel! Wonderful - And with the food man! Hello there, Food man.
ARCHIE
It’s Archie.
LUCIUS
Just so! Well, butter my biscuits and milk my tea, friends!
To the public:
My business partner, James Stallion, has brought the finest feastings from the upcoming menu at 2 2 Fun B Baker Merriment and Memorial Park!
Modest applause and excitement
Mr. and Mrs. Stallion and co. Welcome to Carlton House.
CREDITS
Int. CARLTON HOUSE. The party is in full swing.
WEATHERBY
FLEXTON JONES!
MADGE/STALLION/FAWX
Gahh!
WEATHERBY
Oh, so sorry, thought you were further away than you actually were, I do that sometimes. I’m not angry. Mrs. Stallion - again, huge fan -
MADGE
I remember. Madge.
WEATHERBY
Sorry, Madge. That’s amazing. I just need to get Mr. Jones here in the kitchen since service was supposed to start at half past.
FAWX
I… I…
He’s goes full Flexton:
Look, Ms. Weatherby, I’m late. I know. And more than “I know,” I’m sorry. I was just… really onto a breakthrough with my Watson. Ya know. Then -
WEATHERBY
Then you looked at the clock and realized you were almost late to a work function because you were working on your other work in your spare time? That’s not laziness, Flexton, that’s dedication. And I love dedication. You are so far from in trouble, it’s actually dangerous.
FAWX
Oh no, then lock me up.
They laugh.
WEATHERBY
Well, shall we?
FAWX
I’d say so.
ARCHIE
Here, Mr. Jones I’ll show you to the kitchen, after all the “Food Man” must get to work as well. .
STALLION
Oh, actually, Mr. Cartwright, if I could–
ARCHIE
We can convene later, Mr. Stallion. Food to prep and seltzer to sip, excuse me.
ARCHIE and FAWX walk away.
STALLION
Right, yes, good. Godspeed, Chef Cartwright! We do so long for your puddings and custards - he’s great.
WEATHERBY
And who is this?
MADGE
What?
WEATHERBY
The quiet one behind you with the atrocious posture and tiny notebook.
MADGE
Him… him - oh him? That’s just Fitzy. Fitzy is…
WEATHERBY
There is no ‘Fitzy’ on the guest list.
MADGE
Well, you don’t know that. You’re not even holding a guest list.
WEATHERBY
Committed to memory. The only person on the guestlist with even the prefix “Fitz” is Caroline Fitzfollowsworth, The Dowager of St. Pisstopher’s Abbey. And she was the first to arrive.
MADGE
Well, Fitzy…is obviously -
FITZY
A relation.
WEATHERBY
A relation?
FITZY
A relation. I’m in town for a few days, following my aunt -
MADGE
Niece.
FITZY
Aunt’s niece, Madge, here. For my birthday. Yesterday.
Attempting to “commit to the bit,” as the kids say:
I was just about to leave when she told me about the charity gala tonight and I couldn't imagine missing it. Because… when I was but a wee lad growing up on the glens of Belfast. All I wanted for my birthday was to celebrate it… at a charity gala.
MADGE
Uh huh… and the notebook is -
FITZY
(actually kinda into it now?)
A list of my sins! You see, I never saw an example of charity in my life so… I slipped into the clutches of depravity. Debasing myself, selling my family’s rich and bejewléd heirlooms, performing street magic. It was all too much. But then… I saw the amazing things my aunt’s niece, Madge, was doing here in London, and I knew I had to turn my life around and stop selling bathtub hooch on the corner to every Rick, Dick, and Richard who looked my way. So I decided to start that journey by coming…here.
Beat. What the fuck.
MADGE
He’s my plus one.
WEATHERBY
Oh, that’s fine then. Enjoy!
WEATHERBY walks away.
MADGE
Holy shit, Fitzy, I was just gonna say that you were press.
FITZY
Oh. Right, that would have made sense. But I think that worked pretty well, too.
STALLION
I’d love to hear why you think that.
Thomas RAKE approaches carrying a tray.
RAKE
Rolly Mackerel?
STALLION
Don’t mind if I do! And send my very sincere compliments to the chef.
RAKE
Will do, boss.
STALLION
And do you know if the chef has anything to send me in return? Perhaps a compliment on my shoulders or a knowing wink?
RAKE
No, he just said “take this tray.”
STALLION
I can work with that.
RAKE
Oh, and Mr. Peppermint wanted to know if you were planning on joining the celebratory toast along with him and Dr Watson?
STALLION
Oh, yes please. Something light but stately, perhaps from Spain or Germany–something that says, though I am in fact new money, I give the air of old money and deserve to be here.
RAKE
It’ll be red or white wine. From a bottle.
STALLION
Red, please.
RAKE
Cheers. Now, if you’ll excuse me–Flexton! There you are.
We follow RAKE as he pulls away and towards where FAWX is, halfway across the room.
FAWX
Rake! Oh thank god, a friendly face with a friendly attitude. Apparently I’m 15 minutes late, can you believe that?
RAKE
No, service was 15 minutes late, call was over an hour ago.
FAWX
Oh, so we were supposed to be here at 6:30? I thought that was a mistake, why would we need to be here that far before the actual job begins?
RAKE
Regular Hamlet ain’t ya, because that is the question. Just take this tray of Rolly Mackerels and follow me.
FAWX
Right-o.
They pick up two trays and bob and weave their way through the crowd.
RAKE
You know I’ve been thinking a lot about our Holmes and Watson - Fish croquette?
FAWX
Oh, well actually that’s quite fortuitous - Rolly Mackerel? See, I’ve actually been trying to get eyes on Dr. Watson myself tonight– oh, please, only one per person, sir–
RAKE
Have you? - Fish croquette? - very proactive of you, although I do think our time might be better used - Rolly Mackerel? - getting to know one another better-
FAWX
Fish ball? - Yes, that’s an excellent point. Although both would be - Only one please, sir - since - sir, sir? - He just took 4 of my fish balls -
RAKE
I just feel like - Fishy fried surprise? - the closer we get as chums, the more of our own idiosyncrasies we can build into our relationship.
FAWX
Chum Crisp Croquette? - Yes, I really think that will help me find my way in, although I do think getting eyes on the actual - Ball of Fish and sauce?
The man FAWX has asked turns to them:
WATSON
Oh, what’s that?
FAWX looks up and recognizes him.
FAWX
It’s a ball of - Watson! I mean Watson’s balls - ball of fish for you. Dr. Watson. It’s, it’s, it’s the Holy Mackerel - Roly Moly - Holy-
RAKE
Fish croquette, sir?
WATSON
Oh. Umm… Ya know, I think I can wait. Fried foods on a nervous stomach. No thanks.
RAKE
I admire your self-control.
FAWX
Nervous, why are you–
WEATHERBY approaches.
WEATHERBY
Rake, I need you. Catherine Fitzfollowsworth is requesting to speak with one of the actors to dissuade her laggard son, Percival, from starting his own theater company
RAKE
(placating her, but a good opportunity to not do this shit)
Weatherby, you’re right. This is urgent, thank god you got to me in time. Flexton, mind consolidating these balls onto your tray? Business calls me away from work. I just, I… I hope I’m not too late.
He leaves.
WEATHERBY
Dr. Watson, we’re so honored you could make it tonight to the charity gala. Thank goodness you decided to honor your RSVP!
WATSON
Of course. Wouldn’t miss it.
LUCIUS
(across the room, very faintly)
Weatherby!
WEATHERBY
Please do let me know if you require assistance actually making it to the stage this time. I’d be happy to escort you so you don’t get lost on the way from point A to point 221B.
WEATHERBY leaves.
WATSON
What a delightfully passive aggressive exchange.
FAWX
You’re John Watson.
WATSON
Afraid so. Please, call me John.
WATSON begins to walk away.
FAWX
Wait!
WATSON
Yes?
FAWX
I’m you!
WATSON
Pardon?
FAWX
I mean, I’m you. At the park. Hampton - Flexton Jones. Hampton Flexton Jones, but everyone just calls me… Flexton Jones. I’m one of the Watsons, I play you. Actually the other server who just left, that’s Thomas Rake, he’s my Holmes.
WATSON
I’m sure that’s magical. Treasure every moment. Now, do you know where I might be able to get a drink?
FAWX
Oh, right! This way.
FAWX begins leading him towards the bar.
And actually, Dr - John, I have some questions specifically about the evening of the press opening of the park -
WATSON
(distracted, sees LUCIUS)
Actually, scratch that, I have something I need to take care of. Mr. Peppermint, a word!
LUCIUS
(From a distance)
Shit.
FAWX
Wait, no, it’s actually quite–
But he’s already gone. WATSON walks up to LUCIUS with purpose and grabs him by the arm–he came here with a mission.
WATSON
Mr. Peppermint, I need to talk to you.
LUCIUS
John! Lovely to see you again, you ole rugger muffin. Love the suit, solid colors, always a risk.
We lose the rest of the sentence as STALLION steps in.
STALLION
Hampton, thank god I could find you. These uniforms, everyone looks like little chess pawns with bare knees. It’s very disturbing and certainly less arousing than one might think.
FAWX
James, that was him! That was Watson, can you believe it?!
STALLION
You mean the one over there, intensely whispering with Lucius? Is it just me or is he broader in the shoulders than he reads on the page?
FAWX
There’s no time for your shoulder-based insecurities, James! What are they whispering about? And could it have anything to do with the attempted-murder-slash-successful murder at the park?
STALLION
Yes, and yes, both great questions, but first, do you think Archie’s mad at me?
FAWX
Is that what you took me away from a critical witness to ask?
STALLION
… yes.
Beat. He realizes it’s better to just have the conversation.
FAWX
Why do you think he’s mad at you?
STALLION
You heard how snippy he was at me the whole way here. Usually he’s very perceptive and would’ve been able to pick up on the fact that you positioned yourself as our group scapegoat for the trek here -
FAWX
What?
STALLION
But then he just walked away as soon as we arrived, and when I went to check on him he didn’t try to seduce me once. Not one food-based entendre, double or single.
FAWX
It has been a month, is it possible you’ve exhausted them all by now?
STALLION
Oh Hampton, erotic culinary puns are the well that never runs dry –wait, “Rubs dry - dry rub,” that’s something, file that away for later. Anyway, I don’t understand, he’s got a brand new restaurant, slight-to-partial control over the menu, and now he’s catering a high-profile charity gala at the most exclusive event space in London and I can’t even enjoy it!
FAWX
What about all of the “date nights” you’ve been going on?
STALLION
Yes. Of course. We’ve debased half the park! But actually if I’m honest, no, we haven’t. And if I’m more honest, it’s sort of been awhile since we debased anything. And if I’m even more painfully honest it’s been 4 and a half months–
FAWX
And that’s a lot?
STALLION
Yes! The last time we were intimate was when you left town because your aunt was ill–
FAWX
She was dead.
STALLION
–and you should really invest in a goose down for your bed, I have a guy–
FAWX
My BED?!
STALLION
God, those were truly the days…but now! Now, every time he gets home, he simply dons his Scroogian nightcap, arranges a pillow between his legs for his spine and goes to sleep or something!
FAWX
Right, well, besides the obvious advice that this is really a conversation you should be having with Archie, I really think -
STALLION
Hold on a tick. A conversation with Archie. Talk to him… Distract him, take him away from his work, get him alone and just… talk to him. Then perhaps…more than talk to him. It’s just crazy enough to work. You’re a genius, Hampton.
FAWX
Well no, I –I think maybe right now we should all focus on the -
STALLION
Oh! There he is! Thank you, Hampton, thank you. Archie! Archie!
STALLION speeds away hurriedly.
FAWX
Alright, time to get back to Dr. Wats - wait. Where did he go? No! Where is he–
The clinking of knives against glasses. LUCIUS Peppermint has assumed the stage.
LUCIUS
Hear ye, hear ye! No worries, I’ll employ the ole diaphragm like I did back in my children’s choir days. Do rae me fa Such a wonderful turnout tonight, truly wonderful. Can we get a round of applause for this wonderful turnout?
Begrudging round of applause. We follow FAWX as he pushes his way through the crowd and runs directly into MADGE and FITZY. We hear LUCIUS continuing his speech in the background.
FAWX
Where is he–oof! Madge, thank god. There you are.
MADGE
Yeah, sorry, got held up, Fitzy and I split up to look for the Doctor.
FAWX
Did you see him?
MADGE
No, I saw him talking to Peppermint, but then someone asked me to kiss a baby, and now I keep telling myself I don’t have a head cold.
FITZY
You don’t have a head cold.
MADGE
I wouldn’t bet on it! Then I ran into Fitzy so I guess we finished the circle–this room is not as big as you think.
FAWX
Fitzy, did you see him?
FITZY
No, I got a bit held up myself–
FAWX
Right, ok, well he couldn’t have gone far, right?
MADGE
Probably couldn’t have gone far left, either. Eh?
FITZY gives a little appreciative vocal acknowledgement of the pun.
See? Fitzy laughs at my jokes.
FAWX
Well, I don’t know if I’d consider a light chortle a laugh but–no! Set that aside and focus, Hampton. Whoever tried to kill Dr. Watson the first time may be waiting for a chance to strike again, and now he’s gone–we need a plan. Everyone think!
RAKE steps in.
RAKE
Oi, Flexton! Boss wants us to go down to the wine cellar to pick a red for the toast, and ever since I did that immersive production of Cask of Amontillado in ‘85 I don’t go down to rich people’s basements without a bottle I can piss in and a man I can trust.
FAWX
Yes, on it! Just one moment–
RAKE
Right, we don’t have a moment, though, because the boss needs it now.
MADGE
Just go. We’ll keep circling–
FAWX
No! Why don’t you two…distinguished guests stay here. And enjoy the party, from this advantageous point where you can see–the whole thing. And its noted guests, should any appear. As they will have to, for the celebratory toast.
MADGE
Well, far be it from me to complain about getting the sitting-centric job. Mr. Jones.
FAWX leaves with RAKE. We stay with MADGE and FITZY.
FITZY
Oh, could I get one of those fish ca–and he’s gone. It’s fine.
MADGE
Play your cards right I think you can get a regular cake out of this.
PARTY GUEST
Oh, excuse me, are you the birthday boy? I hope you like vermouth.
FITZY
No.
MADGE
Yes!
She can tell FITZY is deeply uncomfortable, is enjoying it more than is probably “good friend” behavior.
FITZY
God, that’s the third shot of Vermouth in 20 minutes. Is everyone looking at me, I feel like everyone’s looking at me.
MADGE
Word spreads quickly when there’s a birthday. People love a socially-sanctioned public humiliation via song, it’s the one constant of the universe. Jesus, are you actually sweating right now? What is happening, aren’t you a public figure?
FITZY
I’m a journalist, that’s different. Other people are the focus. I mean, I’m pretty sure there are only four people on earth who know my real birthday and one of them was the person I was coming out of at the time.
MADGE
Ooh, but do I hate how you phrased that.
The STANDARD REPORTER slides into the seat across from MADGE.
STANDARD REPORTER
Mrs. Stallion! Devlin Montgomery, The Standard. Do you have a moment for a quick Q?
MADGE
Oh for god’s–
FITZY
I’m afraid Mrs. Stallion and I have an exclusive arrangement, so you’ll have to–
TIMES REPORTER
Mrs Stallion–Tuppence Montgomery, The Times. Do you have a comment on–
MADGE
No, and what he said–I’m only talking to this one with the stupid glasses, so piss off.
SPECTACLE REPORTER
Hey there. Jacob Sullivan Montgomery, from Jersey. You wanna say anything about the op ed that was published about you in the Times today?
MADGE
What op ed?
All three of them hold out the article for her. She takes it.
STANDARD REPORTER
How do you respond to the claims that you quote “don’t really care about women”?
TIMES REPORTER
Or that you’re simply capitalizing off of the death of a more successful detective for priority restaurant reservations and brand endorsements.
SPECTACLE REPORTER
Yeah, and that you look like you’ve both lost and gained weight since we saw you a couple days ago. I didn’t say it but our readers are curious..
MADGE
Who wrote this?
TIMES REPORTER
It was a joint statement from the Daughters of the Knitting Circle and the Husbands of the Daughters of the Knitting Circle.
MADGE
“If Madge Stallion is the best example of our gender then we have further to go than we thought” who would even say–
We hear LOTTIE, in full schmooze mode, from halfway across the hall.
LOTTIE
…I just think we can do a lot better than someone like Mrs. Stallion. I mean have you ever even heard her use a polysyllabic word?
STANDARD REPORTER
So? Care to comment?
MADGE
Yeah. Yeah, I think I kinda fuckin’ do. Fitzy, follow me.
She rushes off, FITZY following, just as FAWX makes his way back. RAKE close behind.
FAWX
Alright, I’m back–Madge? Where are you–she’s gone.
RAKE
Flexton, grab a tray–we’ve got to prep for drink service.
FAWX
Tray! Right. And those would be?
RAKE
In the kitchen, 6 plates per tray, you’re serving table 24 over there, with the hats. Indoors. Fucking animals…
FAWX
Very good, thank you, Rake. One moment.
We follow FAWX as he scurries away to the kitchen and opens the door. ARCHIE and STALLION are in the midst of a heated discussion:
STALLION
… because, Archibald, I can sense when something is off and what’s between us now is a robin’s egg suit in the middle of October.
ARCHIE
I told you, James, now is not the - Hampton.
FAWX
Don’t mind me, just getting my six plates on the tray and taking them to table 24 as is my job for the evening.
He sets his tray, it’s awkward and takes a bit too long.
That’s 3… 4… How am I supposed to fit 6 plates on here when - sorry, don’t mind me I’ll be…
He attempts to lift it. It’s very heavy and he’s never walked with a serving tray before.
Sweet Juniper Jackipades that’s heavy. How do they… hmmm… maybe if I…
STALLION clears his throat.
Apologies! I’ll be out of your hair in two -
He gets the tray up, struggling:
Oh, fuck me - on my way out!
He starts walking out. STALLION attempts to resume with ARCHIE:
STALLION
Archie, I’m just trying to get to the bottom of -
The plates on FAWX’s tray clatter a bit as he gingerly tries to open the door without putting the tray down.
I’m just trying to figure out -
More clattering, FAWX is really struggling.
FAWX
(whispering)
Sorry. The door. The wrist strength. Ya know what, just ignore me.
STALLION
(Resuming)
I’m simply -
Louder clattering, the tray almost falls.
FAWX
Oh! Saved it. Whew, that was close. You know it may surprise you to know, I’ve never actually done serving work before.
STALLION/ARCHIE
Hampton.
FAWX
I’m gone.
He exits the door, and we follow him.
Great work, Hampton. No one suspects a thing from you and - Oh, there’s Madge!
From nearby:
LOTTIE
Pleasure as always Madge, so sorry about the misunderstanding. You know how the press is, ta ta.
FAWX
Right, so I’ve been tied up with my cover, but have you seen anything?
MADGE
Uh…yeah, no, no I didn’t, I had to deal with something–
FAWX
What something? We’re trying to solve a murder and save a man’s life–
TIMES REPORTER
Let us know if you do want to give us a quote, Mrs. Stallion. Excuse me, child-waiter.
All three reporters leave.
FAWX
I can’t tell if that’s better or worse than what they called me before. Wait, you were talking to the press? We’re supposed to be working!
MADGE
Look, I–head of that knit club has it out for me, and I had to set things straight–and prove to her that I do know words with more than one…
Under pressure she forgets the word “syllable,” which is unfortunately two syllables.
FAWX
Syllable?
MADGE
Yeah, that!
FAWX
Right, ok, so are you actually going to help solve this at any point or are you just fine being the one that exclusively talks to the press?
MADGE
Well, it’s not exactly gonna be you, is it?
In her head this was a joke. It does not come out that way.
FAWX
Right, then I’ll just be off.
MADGE
Hampton, I didn’t mean it like–!
He’s gone. To herself:
Fuck.
FITZY catches up to MADGE.
FITZY
There you are. And–oh, Mr Fawx is gone again. The speed on him for legs that short. Truly impressive… are you alright?
MADGE
Nah, I’m good, I just–I fucking…always do this. But it’s whatever, it’s fine, let’s get back to work. The rest of London’s not gonna piss itself off now is it?
FITZY
You do that a lot.
MADGE
What?
FITZY
Make a joke, when it’s not the time to make a joke.
MADGE
It’s always the time to make a joke -
FITZY
Now it could just be the 6 shots of Vermouth I’ve had in the last 30 minutes but… Do you think it’s a way of avoiding having to actually live up to expectations, then? Sorry, Vermouth talking, but also, Off the record.
MADGE
Off the record, and in the middle of a very public place, you really think I‘m just gonna share something like that?
FITZY
It is my birthday.
MADGE
Oh fuck off. Sometimes, yes, from time to time, I find myself in a situation where I’m at a crossroads, and down one road is the hard, serious conversation or… thing, I have to do, and down the other is like…not doing that. And so I dunno, sometimes I sorta–
FITZY makes the sound of an explosion.
FITZY
Like that?
MADGE
Just let ‘em die, really. …so, I mean, given the pattern…
Beat. She suddenly becomes violently aware of how much she showed her hand, turns it around to focus on him, like it never happened.
Anyway…since I just shared something weirdly vulnerable with you, you’ve gotta return the favour.
FITZY
Oh, I don’t think that’s -
MADGE
Nah, come on - oh! You got anyone back in Belfast? Someone that…knows your real birthday?
FITZY
Oh, god, no.
MADGE
Why not? You’re tall - to hear James tell it, that's like half of the work right there. How about that waiter, he screams “Oscar Wilde’s type,” I don’t know if that–
FITZY
Ha, thank you, but.
FITZY would normally stop there. But in the interest of trust, and the birthday shots:
I just–decided when I was younger that I sort of…didn’t go in for all that. And by the time I–well, you know, I’ve been very fortunate in my life. Extremely fortunate in my career–I get to do what I want, when I want, follow leads that I want. Meet interesting and strange people–like yourself.
MADGE
Ta.
FITZY
Asking for more than that seemed…
MADGE
Scary?
FITZY
Ungrateful.
Beat. In a lighter tone:
Or maybe I’m just a coward. Who’s to say?
MADGE
Maybe that’s why you like me.
FITZY
Who says I like you?
MADGE
You do–you hate it but you do.
He doesn’t deny it.
We can recognize our own, eh?
WEATHERBY hurries by in a state of agitation similar to FAWX’s. Stops when she sees MADGE.
WEATHERBY
Excuse me, might either of you have seen John Watson?
MADGE
Jesus, is he missing again?
WEATHERBY
No, no no no, no. No. I wouldn’t say “missing.” I would maybe say “avoiding,” perhaps “side-stepping,” perhaps if I was more opinionated I would perhaps say “being a real dick about the whole thing,” but I would never say that.
Beat.
Anyway it’s fine, it’s fine. Don’t worry your celebrity status over it and –oh, yes, you must be the birthday boy, right?
FITZY
Please, God, no more vermouth...
WEATHERBY
More the hard spirits, type, noted. I shall return. Oh, excuse me, coming through!
We follow WEATHERBY as she makes her way to the kitchen and through the doors, where ARCHIE and STALLION are talking in semi-hushed voices.
STALLION
If there’s nothing going on, then why are you giving me the cold shoulder?
ARCHIE
I am not giving you the “cold shoulder,” James. I’m not a child.
WEATHERBY
Mr. Cartwright, Thomas Rake is bringing over the tray for the celebratory toasts, and we have a birthday at Table 21, could we put something together for that, perhaps send out a bottle of whatever we have too much of from The Valley of Beer?
ARCHIE
Because of course why wouldn’t there be something else. Heard. I’ll take care of it, thanks!
LUCIUS
(from the dining room)
Weatherby!
WEATHERBY
Coming!
WEATHERBY leaves. We stay with ARCHIE and STALLION, alone again.
STALLION
Oh. Do you feel that?
ARCHIE
Feel what?
STALLION
It just got rather nippy in here, so either Carlton House is haunted and we’ve found our first cold spot or… it’s that shoulder.
ARCHIE
Oh my - alright, fine! Fine, I didn’t want to do this until I had an unemotional way of bringing it up but, fine -
STALLION
Uh oh -
ARCHIE
Your money, James.
STALLION
My money, what about my money? Did somebody hurt it?!
ARCHIE
Yes, well, I’d love to see anyone try, considering all of it is tied up in this godforsaken merriment park!
STALLION
And Memorial.
ARCHIE
You really don’t want to argue semantics with me.
STALLION
Oh, don’t I?
ARCHIE
Remind me, which of us holds a Secondary School All-Britain ribbon in Debate?
STALLION
Dammit, point you. But Archie, you said you were fine with me investing with Lucius in the park, you said you were proud of me for getting out there and starting something more active than making passive investments in revolutionary gizmos.
ARCHIE
I hardly think toilette tissue is a gizmo.
STALLION
I also said “revolutionary!”
ARCHIE
Look, James, it’s your money and I know, I know, it’s not my right–
STALLION
What are you talking about, of course it’s your–
ARCHIE
–I just assumed when you were entering into a business partnership with one of the wealthiest entrepreneurs in London it would be a true partnership, not just you fronting the whole lot.
STALLION
Sorry, what–
ARCHIE
(steamrolling through, spiraling)
And I get it, really, I do. Because I’m sure you thought “well if I tell Archie this, there’s no way he’d let me give this rich man access to my accounts and dump my entire savings into something as precarious as a merriment park -”
STALLION
(just a habit at this point, but still pondering this whole situation)
And memorial -
ARCHIE
Because I’m the–the stuffy one, the practical one, not the fun one–I get why you wouldn’t want to talk to me–
STALLION
Archie stop, stop–
ARCHIE
–but I am still your partner, emotionally at least, and I’d still like to feel like it every now and then, and–
He realizes:
Wait. Are you telling me you weren’t aware Lucius hasn’t put any of his own money into the park?
STALLION
Ummmm abso-fucking-lutely not!
ARCHIE
Really? Oh, Oh James I can’t tell you how relieved I am!
STALLION
Oh well how fortuitous, because now I’m not-relieved enough for the both of us! So…so wait, even though both of our names are on the contract, and both of our names are attached in the press, all of the money has been -
ARCHIE
Coming from you. Apparently it’s how he’s done things for years. And since both of your names are on the contract -
STALLION
It means that if it’s a hit he gets half the profits even though I put in all the capital… motherfucker!
STALLION begins to storm out.
ARCHIE
James, wait, where are you going?
Door open, about to tear out into the hall, head poked back in:
STALLION
Not to worry, my love. I’m simply going to find Lucius. And then I’m going to kill him!
He leaves. We stay in Archie’s POV.
ARCHIE
James, no–
ARCHIE starts out, but the door bursts open and several actors come in.
Good god, what are all of you doing here?
RAKE
Birthday at table 21. Weatherby sent us to get the treat. By the way, do any of you know how the birthday song goes?
No one does.
ARCHIE
Yep, right, the treat uhh…–here, here, just take this spotted dick and call it Deerstalker Pudding or something–
RAKE
Oh, ok, but I do have to take the tray with the toasts up to the stage–
ARCHIE, ever a helper, just takes the tray from RAKE.
ARCHIE
Fine, I’ll take it, I’m heading that way anyway. James, James…!
ARCHIE runs out the door and into FAWX.
ARCHIE
Oof! Hampton, thank god, did you see James?
FAWX
James? I’ve been looking for Watson, I can’t surreptitiously peddle fish balls and look for two separate people with long legs–I only just got rid of my tray!
ARCHIE
Well, I think something I said may have made him jump to some rather rash–actually, you know what, just take this tray, would you–James!
He shoves the tray into FAWX’s hands and we follow him off. FAWX shouts after him.
FAWX
Wait, what’s happening with James? I thought we were looking for the Doctor!
ARCHIE rushes to STALLION, who has been held up by the crowd around MADGE and FITZY’s table.
STALLION
Right, I understand that everyone is very interested in this story but might we make way for someone who is trying to stride with purpose here?
MADGE
–and that’s when Fitzy, here, tipped the whole bathtub of gin out the second floor window onto the cops below, and said….
FITZY
(just SO drunk)
Bottoms up?
The crowd titters appreciatively.
ARCHIE
James, I understand that emotions may be high right now, but I really don’t think this is the time–
STALLION
Oh, I disagree, this is very much the time.
FAWX catches up to the group.
FAWX
Archie, what is happening, and also have you seen Watson? Oh and, Madge, hold this tray, please.
MADGE
Hampton, not to be that person, but don’t you think it’s a bit strange for an honored guest to be holding a -
FAWX
Ugh! Fine, Fitzy, you take it.
PARTY GUEST
But he’s the birthday boy!
FAWX
Oh my–SOMEONE take this bloody tray!
FITZY
Me, me! It’s fine, tray-holding is a favorite pastime of mine, and keeps my hands occupied and unable to hold more glasses and that’s gift enough for me..
ARCHIE
What are you even planning to do, James, confront him in front of everyone?
STALLION
Archie, I feel like I literally could not have been more clear on my plan of 1) finding Lucius, and 2) killing him. It’s a two step plan!
The crowd starts to disperse, JAMES barrels through.
Oh, thank you very much, very kind.
MADGE
Wait, what–
FAWX
Um–
FITZY
Well then–
ARCHIE
Oh bugger, Cartwright, what have you done now. James! James!
FAWX
We need to stop him.
MADGE
We need a distraction. Fitzy, I know you’re pathologically polite but drop that tray!
FITZY
(again, extremely drunk)
I can’t.
MADGE
Wanna bet?
FITZY
If I drop this tray, I go down with it.
FAWX
No, those are for the toasts, I’ll be fired!
MADGE
Hampton, this isn’t your real job!
FAWX
So what, that means I just shouldn’t try?
MADGE/ARCHIE/FITZY
Yes!
FAWX
Well it’s Flexton Jones’s real job, and–oh, there’s Thomas–Thomas, could you–
ARCHIE
(lightbulb)
Yes, that’s it! Rake! Birthday! Now!
RAKE and the crew of waiters approach with the makeshift birthday cake. ARCHIE, to the 224 crew:
I’ll take care of this.
ARCHIE vaults off after STALLION.
RAKE
Well, you heard Mr. Cartwright! Deerstalker pudding for our birthday boy!
He blows a pitch pipe. And inhales loudly -
The various tables of guests start to hubbub and focus on their table: “What’s all this then?”, “Is that a firework?”, “Is that Madge Stallion?”
RAKE sings:
It’s your special day,
THE SERVERS:
It’s your special day,
RAKE
It’s your big birthday,
THE SERVERS/A COUPLE OF GUESTS
It’s your big birthday,
RAKE
And so we’re here to say:
THE SERVERS/ALL OF THE GUESTS
And so we’re here to say:
RAKE
YAY!!!
EVERYONE ELSE (INCLUDING MADGE)
YAY!!!!
A huge applause, laughter, joy, a couple stray “Happy Birthday’s” as the servers go back to milling around the room
RAKE
I hope it’s a joyful one, sir.
FITZY
Oh, if only me ma could see me now.
WEATHERBY takes the stage. We draw closer to the stage as her and LUCIUS’s speeches happen.
WEATHERBY
Hello, hi! My name is Elizabeth Weatherby, I’m the official Chancellor of Fun at 22FunB Baker St. Merriment Park and Memorial!
Mild applause.
On behalf of Mr. Peppermint, we are honored that you took time out of your busy Thursdays and came here to enjoy this elegantly tasteful Gaga-for Galas Charity-a-thon. Now without further ado, Mr. Peppermint!
Huge Applause. LUCIUS walks out on stage. He clears his throat and begins.
LUCIUS
I want to thank Ms. Weatherby for that… emotionally poignant introduction. Because she’s absolutely right. With your help here, this evening we have raised over 200 pounds and that’s right, folks… It’s all going to one charity… Will it be Lads without Dads?!
A curtain is drawn, the crowd politely applauds, a sickly child coughs.
Pints for Poverty?!
A curtain gets drawn, polite applause. A pint is poured and sipped.
Or will it be those delightfully loyal scamps at the Pound of the -
STALLION rushes on, ARCHIE whisper-yelling “James!” trailing behind him. We’re onstage with STALLION.
STALLION
The Pound of the Baskervilles, Is it the pound of the Baskervilles? Yes, it’s the Pound of the Baskervilles, they won! Congratulations to them and Hello all!
LUCIUS
(Trying to recover)
Uh. Aha! Well. Look here, if it isn’t my old friend -
STALLION
And business partner!
LUCIUS
And business partner–
STALLION
James Stallion! Applause, Applause.
MADGE
Oh christ, James, what are you doing? Hampton, Fitzy come on.
FAWX
Are you still holding the tray?
FITZY
Am I? Oh look at that, I am!
LUCIUS
Well, well, well, Wonderful to have you out here for the celebratory toast to our victor. And with that, I am happy to introduce, for the second time, Doctor John W–!
STALLION
Ooooooh, [buzzer noise] hate to spoil the party! He’s not there, folks! Classic Watson. Sorry. I’m as “shocked” as you are! So maybe, I don’t know, we should toast, just the two of us! What should we toast to, Lucius, hmmmmm? What should we make our yummy, juicy little toast to? Oh, I know! In the spirit of John Watson let’s toast to…absent partners, perhaps. To…oooh, broken promises. To one-sided financial destitution!
LUCIUS
Ha. Not very catchy, is it? But then, that’s why he’s the face, the legs, and the pert backside, and not the brains, right folks?
He chuckles good naturedly.
STALLION
‘Pert’?! You sonofa–
MADGE, FAWX, and FITZY have arrived on the stage.
MADGE
James!
He takes a deep breath and regroups.
STALLION
Ha ha. That’s fine. You know what, let’s just toast to our winner, shall we? Now let’s toast–where are the… Ahh! Fitzy, thank you–
PARTY GUEST
It’s his birthday!
FITZY holds out the tray for him because what else is he gonna do here?
STALLION
Is it? Well, good for him. Now if you don’t mind…
STALLION picks up the glasses.
Thank you. Here, Lucius. What else should we toast to?
LUCIUS does not cheers.
Oh no, Lucius. It would be a shame if everyone had to learn who you really are: a man who doesn’t toast, that is...
LUCIUS reluctantly drinks too.
LUCIUS
Cheers, indeed. I do enjoy a bubbly concoction from time to time. You know, why don’t I go–locate our honored guest, yes–so that he can partake as well?
STALLION
Yes! Yes, why don’t you do that, and I’ll stay here and clean up the muck, shall I? Just like I cleaned up the muck when there was a murder at the park!
LUCIUS coughs “James” in an attempt to get his attention. Quietly:
Oh it’s a little late for that, Lucius.
Out:
Just like I cleaned up the muck by single handedly financing said park in the first place!
LUCIUS coughs again–this time, it doesn’t feel purposeful.
ARCHIE
James…
STALLION
Just like I’m clearing up the muck right now, once and for all, in front of all these people!
LUCIUS
My dear boy, really, I–
STALLION
Oh, what’s that I hear? A pending apology? Well, I’m afraid we’re a bit too late on that front, because now everyone is gonna see who you really–
LUCIUS coughs again.
LUCIUS
Help—
WEATHERBY
(from the audience)
Lucius?
LUCIUS
I’m–I–
STALLION
Wait, is this not a bit? Do you need some water?
The crowd bursts into a hubbub.
ARCHIE
Oh, um, we have–!
WEATHERBY
The other drink!
FAWX
James, give him this!
FAWX hands the other drink from the tray to STALLION.
STALLION
Here, Lucius -
STALLION throws the drink in LUCIUS’s face.
MADGE
To drink, not to throw in his face, you tit!
STALLION
I panicked! Hand me another one!
LUCIUS is coughing more
FAWX
I - I - Fitzy, you have the tray!
FITZY
I do? Oh look at that, I do -
FAWX
Dammit, they’re empty - Does anyone have water? Thomas?
The waiters don’t have anything.
STALLION
Are you kidding me? Their water’s supposed to be filled every 10 minutes, are you all really that thirsty?!
FAWX
There was a birthday song and the announcements started: we were getting to it!
MADGE
James, help him!
LUCIUS staggers forward and grabs STALLION by the shoulders.
LUCIUS
I—I knew it. I knew–
STALLION
Knew what? What do you want me to do, Lucius?!
LUCIUS makes his dying gasp. And falls on the stage. Dead.
Oh shit.
All hell breaks loose: Guests screaming, knocking into tables, running around. A barrage of voices:
MADGE
James!
WEATHERBY
Doctor! Is there a doctor here! It doesn’t have to be the famous one! It could be literally any one with a medical degree!
Chaos!
STALLION
Oh god, oh god, oh god, Madge!
MADGE
We’ve got to get out of here.
FAWX
We have to find Watson!
MADGE
Don’t you think we’re a little past that, Hampton?
FAWX
Watson was supposed to be one of the people giving that toast, Madge. That means if Lucius was poisoned, that poison could have been meant for any of the three of you. Don’t you think it’s most likely it was for the one someone’s already tried to murder once this week?
STALLION
Oh, god. I lost Archie. Where’s Archie?!
MADGE
He’ll be fine–now we gotta go! Cmon. Fitzy, you too!
FITZY
(sudden clarity from the adrenaline)
Wait! I saw him.
FAWX
Who? Archie?
FITZY
The Doctor. Watson. A few minutes ago, when they were singing happy birthday, he was headed toward the East Wing–
FAWX is already off, running.
MADGE
Hampton! Where are you -
FAWX
(running away)
I’ll be back!
WHOOSH. After a few tries, Hampton opens the right door. He breathes heavily for a moment:
FAWX
Doctor Watson! Listen, there’s no time to waste, another murder’s just been committed—I need you to tell me everything from the beginning.
End Credits.