Chapter seventeen: The Case of the migratory moustache
INT. 224B. Shortly after the end of Part 6.
Sherlock HOLMES sits in the armchair of 224B. FAWX, MADGE, and STALLION sit opposite, staring at him. The clock ticks away in the background. No one says anything. No one has said anything for a very long time. Even Ambrosius. It’s actually starting to get super fucking weird.
Finally, HOLMES clears his throat. Politely:
HOLMES
So…did anyone want to…ask me anything?
No one answers. The clock ticks away. Blank stares all around. HOLMES tries to wait it out, then tries again:
It’s only, we’ve been sitting here, in your flat, not talking, for rather a long time…
Another moment. Maybe he’ll ride it out, wait for them to talk. After an embarrassingly short moment, he can’t help himself:
Did you know, there are actually studies that show the best method of interrogation is to approach the subject with silence, to offer nothing. Social creatures that we are, our instinct is to curb any awkwardness by filling the silence, usually with some giveaway, or tell.
Beat. He cannot stand the silence.
Of course, a Tell normally implies some level of secrecy anyway, yes? Some, some layer covering up a deep and cavernous hole, but then, then the question becomes ‘Why’, hmm? Why is there a deep and cavernous hole, well maybe it’s something in their specific tell. And you know, that’s why I don’t tend to like the term “interrogation,” it’s not really correct, is it, for what we do? But still, it is often the information you don’t want to tell that is most useful in solving cases, don’t you find? Eh?
Again, no response.
Listen, if we’re going to keep doing this, could I perhaps get a snack or… a cigarette or something? It seems I’ve forgotten what to do with my hands and it’s very disconcerting.
May as well keep this train going if we’re here.
Oh! Actually, you know what I could go for? It’s the um, the thin shortbread with the… god, there was this place around the corner, lovely bakery, closed a few years back to make room for that amateur mural that was definitely more for the artist than the audience? Anyway it was a thin shortbread biscuit on the bottom. Then there was this layer, on top–god, it’s actually bothering me–but it was…caramel, and then a delicate layer of chocolate. It’s quite a structural marvel, really. Oh–and they did those big flakes of sea salt over the top, imported specially. God, it’s really bothering me, what was that called–
The door opens. ARCHIE walks through, harried.
ARCHIE
Oh thank god, you made it back safely. Where did you all go? I had to spend forty-five minutes making small talk with Braddock and Whittle just so I could release all the Actor-servers. But! I did get away with a tray of mini-quiches—
HOLMES
Oh yes, I was absolutely starving.
HOLMES takes the tray from ARCHIE and grabs a mini-quiche. Shoves it in his mouth.
ARCHIE
Now they are Quiche Lorraine, which I know no one likes but –wait a moment, weren’t you Irish?
HOLMES
(through quiche)
Oh, how rude of me not to introduce myself properly.
He finishes his bite of quiche and holds out his hand to ARCHIE, bright and friendly.
Sherlock Holmes. Consulting Detective.
A beat. This is a bit much for ARCHIE to take in.
ARCHIE
Huh. Well I–. You…But you–! Uh huh. Hm. Uh—ha. Ha! W—ho—.… Nope.
ARCHIE turns around and walks right back out the door. Slam! A moment. Lightbulb!
HOLMES
Ha! Millionaire shortbread! That’s what it was called! Ha!
To the group:
What’s the matter with him?
A beat, and then all at once, everyone starts asking questions, right as we cut to–
CREDITS
INT. 224B. Immediately after.
HOLMES
Alright, so anyone, anyone at all - Yes! Mrs. Stallion, go ahead.
MADGE
Can we keep the fork?
HOLMES
Unexpected first line of inquiry, but sure, I don’t see why not! Although it was on the floor for a bit, a rinse will be necessary..
MADGE
Who would use a pocket fork without washing it?
HOLMES
(too quick)
No idea, next question.
STALLION
Wait, so if you’re not a reporter, what have you been writing in your notebook this whole time?
HOLMES
Oh, I’m so glad you asked! See, I began taking notes, then I found it more interesting to follow the subconscious impulses of my mind. Ergo I’ve been crafting a series of sequential sketches of your delightful cat there, that, when flipped through in rapid order, give him the appearance of doing a small, jaunty set of dance steps. Like so:
HOLMES presents and flips through what we would think of as a homemade flip book. It’s cute, they all think so but won’t admit it. AMBROSIUS meows in approval.
STALLION
Cotillion. Interesting choice...
HOLMES
Cat-illion, if you will.
He laughs at his own joke. You get the feeling Watson would have laughed at this but he’s not reading the room. FAWX raises his hand.
Yes, Mr Fawx?
FAWX
Is that a false moustache?
HOLMES
Very good, Mr. Fawx! Yes. It’s attached with a new formulation of spirit gum I’ve been working on that makes it 50% quicker and easier to remove.
FAWX
Does it–?
HOLMES
Itch? Oh yes, very much so.
FAWX
(under his breath)
Can’t solve everything, can you…
MADGE
Right, since no one else is gonna say it: can you just solve the thing already?
FAWX/STALLION
Madge!
MADGE
What?! Two people are dead, do you really wanna drag this one out?
HOLMES
Ahh, I see why you’d ask that but, no: I won’t be doing that.
FAWX
See! Even he–wait, what? You won’t?
HOLMES
No. I’m only here to observe–that’s why I presented myself as a neutral third party.
MADGE
Right, and, no offense to us–
HOLMES
None given.
MADGE
–but why would you wanna do that?
HOLMES
Hm. Well, uh. How to put this in a way you three will best comprehend...
STALLION
Not sure if you’re accepting criticism, but you’re off to a bad start.
HOLMES
Ever since my supposed death–and if I’m honest, perhaps a bit before that–several months, to be precise–I’ve found that I have been unable to…access my usual methods of deduction. It’s quite disconcerting. And while this has been known to occur, selectively, you understand - sometimes I find it to be a bit too much, I mean, god, the never ending parade of case after case after case, on occasion two or three cases simultaneously, just–ha–constant work at my door, completely unprompted–
SIMULTANEOUSLY:
FAWX
Ok.
MADGE
Oh fuck off.
STALLION
Say anything else
HOLMES
–well, it would be a touch overstimulating, and I would have to stop, you know, and take them sequentially–I mean I couldn’t solve a secondary case until I solved the first, and so forth. But after…well, even when I didn’t have a case, I found that I still couldn’t put things together. I mean, I could–I could gather clues, I could remember details and form stratagems, I could gather the pieces of the puzzle–but I couldn’t put it together–and I mean that literally, yesterday I tried that 1000 piece jigsaw in your spare room and–nothing! I should have been able to complete that while Mr. Fawx was in the loo!
MADGE
How long were you in the loo?
FAWX
Not long.
HOLMES
6 minutes, 43 seconds.
MADGE
Hampton…
HOLMES
And to continue: as the months went on I started to get—a bit concerned. Well, quite concerned. Actually, to be precise more like really, very alarmed. But then! You three came along and I thought–oh, here, actually! Have you–have you ever had an absolutely terrible night’s sleep, where your mind will not stop working? You lay in bed, unable to drift off, silently counting the hours until you need to embrace the next day, violently berating yourself for being unable to complete a simple task that 99% of the time is as easy as breathing?
STALLION
And have we considered that might be the cocaine.
HOLMES
But! If you can trick your mind–make a cup of tea, read a book, reorganize your winter socks by knit pattern, for instance–and tell yourself you’re not going to fall asleep, there you go, a full, restful two and a half-hour night on the chaise!
STALLION
Ah, that explains the posture.
HOLMES
I still can’t solve anything myself–yet. But I believe that if I can be adjacent to a case, while other people are solving it, that could do the trick. You know, really get in the middle of things, while you work –
MADGE
Providing no value and actively getting in the way?
HOLMES
Yes, exactly, you get me! I’m always providing value, maybe that’s the problem! Perhaps I’ve been providing too much value, and if I provide less for a few days, I can go back to…providing more, as it were.
MADGE
Uh, ok. Where to start. Have you, perhaps, just a thought, considered going across the street and sorting this out with your usual guy for this stuff?
STALLION
Instead of us?
FAWX
Perhaps let him know you’re not dead while you’re there?
HOLMES
Pfff, Watson? No. He’s fine.
SIMULTANEOUSLY:
MADGE
I highly doubt that.
STALLION
I don’t think that’s even sort of true.
FAWX
He told an entire troupe of actors to fuck off over a dozen times.
HOLMES
Well, were they using improper scansion techniques?
STALLION
Bastards.
MADGE
It’s dinner theatre?
HOLMES
Well there’s your first problem, you can’t expect him to digest treats and consume art simultaneously, he gets drowsy! And then if you mention that he’s drowsy, he gets defensive and that’s the whole night gone. But that’s not the point! The Pursuit is where I’m needed now, The Mystery. If I can help you solve this case, I’m certain that everything will be fixed, we’ll reset back to starting positions, and it’ll be like nothing ever happened and nothing was ever wrong!
Beat.
FAWX
Do either of you have anything?
MADGE
Sure don’t.
STALLION
Nothing constructive
HOLMES
Look, I’m going to talk to him, I want to talk to him, there just hasn’t been an–organic means of initiating that conversation in a considerate and neutral setting. As such.
MADGE
So you’re saying if he knocked on the door right now, you’d leave us alone and trot on back?
HOLMES
Absolutely! No question. That is the logical, mature way of dealing with things.
There’s a KNOCK on the door.
On what I promise is an entirely unrelated note, I need to look at something in the other room.
He immediately retreats to the kitchen at a speed that will be, when he looks back on it, humiliating. Beat.
STALLION
So are we just like…responsible for him now?
FAWX
Wha–absolutely not! We never would have let him in here if we knew who he was!
STALLION
Right, but now that we do, it does seem like he might be going through a bit of a crisis, yeah?
HOLMES
(from the next room)
Any idea how long this cheese has been in here? Oh, it’s Emmental! You know what, I’ll risk it.
Another knock.
MADGE
James does make a good point, and not just because he’s feeling guilty for taking advantage of a now very-alive man’s horrific death–
STALLION
Oh so now people have notes.
MADGE
–what are we gonna do, chuck him out?
FAWX
I’m willing to workshop the idea!
STALLION
Where would he even go, Hampton?
FAWX
Hmm, I don’t know James, perhaps his own flat, I’ve been reliably informed that it’s ACROSS THE STREET!
ANOTHER knock.
MADGE
Alright! Fuck! You two go in there and deal with him. I’ll go answer the door.
FAWX
Deal with him, what does that even–
STALLION
What makes you think I’m qualified–
A series of knocks.
MADGE
Just go.
HOLMES
(from the next room)
You won’t mind if I rearrange your tea selection do you. I know it’s only 3 different types, but I find that left to right by caffeine content is—
STALLION
Hampton, if he touches my oolong I will actually end his life.
FAWX
Wait, since when do we have oolong? I love oolong.
STALLION
It’s in the earl gray tin.
FAWX
Ugh, earl gray. God, I hate earl gray.
STALLION
I know.
FAWX
Wait a sec—
Jesus Christ ANOTHER FUCKING KNOCK.
MADGE
Dickheads! Go!
FAWX and STALLION exit to the kitchen. MADGE goes to the door. To herself:
Christ, can’t it just be, like, Thursday. And that’s enough.
She opens the door and is greeted by BRADDOCK and WHITTLE.
WHITTLE
Evening, ma’am. Inspector Whittle -
BRADDOCK
Jiminy Johnson, Whittle, she knows who we are. Inspector Braddock, Whittle. Evenin’, Madge.
MADGE
We’re not on a first name basis.
BRADDOCK
Oh yeah? Well we’re gonna be after tonight.
SIMULTANEOUSLY:
MADGE
The fuck, is that a joke?
WHITTLE
Ok, Braddock - We keep talking about this!
BRADDOCK
What do you… oh no, no. That’s not what I - I can see how you’d get there from what I said, because it was vaguely threatening -
SIMULTANEOUSLY:
MADGE
Could be a threat.
WHITTLE
Very Intense
BRADDOCK
But I didn’t mean it like that! Let the record reflect - I am not coming onto Madge Stallion, nor has the thought ever crossed my mind.
MADGE
The choice here is between relieved and offended and I’m goin’ with relief.
BRADDOCK
Good! Cuz that’s the goal.
WHITTLE
And Scotland Yard thanks you.
BRADDOCK
What I meant, behind that whole hullabaloo, is that when you hear the reason we’re coming tonight, we’re all gonna get a bit closer.
MADGE/WHITTLE
(that also sounds gross)
Mmmm…
BRADDOCK
Yeah, alright, I heard it this time. So we can all just -
WHITTLE
Hey, what do I keep telling ya, give yourself some credit - it’s been an eventful night.
BRADDOCK
Oh yeah? Then why aren’t you slippin’ up.
WHITTLE
Oh, well -
MADGE
Get on with it!
WHITTLE
Right, Mrs. Stallion, may we come in?
Whoosh to :
THE KITCHEN. FAWX and STALLION are attempting to “deal with” HOLMES. HOLMES is going through their cabinets.
FAWX
Go home.
HOLMES
No.
FAWX
Go home!
HOLMES
No.
FAWX
(“help, please!”)
James!
STALLION
I dunno, you could try for a third?
HOLMES
I’ll save you the trouble: No.
STALLION
Right. Fuck it, then I’m going to have a whiskey, Hampton?
FAWX
I–!
STALLION
Holmes?
HOLMES
Eh, why not?
FAWX/STALLION
Really?
HOLMES
Well, as a past client - who I cannot legally identify as the Pope - once said: “When in Rome!”
FAWX
James, can we…?
FAWX pulls him aside. Quiet voices:
James, you can’t possibly be thinking of drinking with this man can you?
STALLION
Alright, well, I’m going to have a drink and one cannot simply throw away etiquette just because someone’s faked their own death and has the emotional self-awareness of a craven eight-year-old. Also, frankly, I can’t have him shut down the park, especially after Lucius just dropped dead, I’d be in financial ruin! And adding a second also to that also; I dunno, it’s Sherlock bloody Holmes! Let’s have a drink!
Beat.
FAWX
Alright, but just one, and we will not give the moral high ground.
STALLION
When do we ever?
To the room:
So that’s three whiskeys then?
HOLMES
(adding water to the kettle)
Actually, now that I think about it I did have about seven shots of vermouth earlier, I’ll stick with tea. Ooh, brilliant, I do love Earl Gray.
FAWX/STALLION
The Oolong!
They launch at him as we whoosh back into the:
Living Room. We hear FAWX & STALLION’s attempts to save the oolong through the wall.
BRADDOCK
What’d ya got some sort of party goin’ on in there?
MADGE
Oh yeah, thought I’d wash down seeing a dead body with having a massive rager, want a pint?
BRADDOCK
Stop it - you’re lyin’.
WHITTLE
Unfortunately, we can’t accept alcohol on the job, thank you though Mrs. Stallion. If you don’t mind, I would love some tea.
Another kerfuffle of cabinets from the kitchen.
MADGE
Tea. In the kitchen. Is where that would be. Which. I. Cannot go into right now.
BRADDOCK
Really, there’s like 4 rooms in here max, can ya not find it?
WHITTLE
Are you in danger? Blink twice for yes.
MADGE
No, no. I know where the kitchen is. I just don’t know… how… to make… it.
Another loud cabinet door closing.
WHITTLE
Oh! No worries, my mum taught me well. I’m happy to make the first round. Kettle through here?
Whoosh. Back into the Kitchen. FAWX and STALLION have HOLMES pushed up against the cabinets.
HOLMES
What, I don’t understand why -
FAWX/STALLION
Shh!!!
HOLMES
Why are we -
FAWX/STALLION
SHHH!
HOLMES
(whispering)
Why are we whispering?
FAWX
Because, the door opened and people came in but it never opened to let them leave, meaning there are guests in the living room right now, and considering I can’t hear Madge cutting it up with any of her usual late night visitors or she hasn’t come to get us herself, the outcome is increasingly more in line with the fact that it’s someone we’re safer from in here.
STALLION
Hampton, that was an excellent deduction.
FAWX
Thank you, it just kind of happened.
HOLMES
No, that was very nice. Enviably so, some might say.
FAWX
(against his will, deeply flattered)
Wow, um thank you -
HOLMES
I just don’t think the whispering’s going to help. For instance, you both were whispering mere moments ago and I heard every word of it.
Whoosh to the Living Room. Through the wall:
FAWX
Oh you son of a - !
Another crash from the kitchen.
BRADDOCK
Quite a kerfluffle going on in the ole Food Room over there, Mrs. Stallion. You wouldn’t be harboring any fugitives now, would ya?
MADGE
Fugitives? What the fuck is this about now?
WHITTLE
Are we moving past the pleasantries? I’m fine with it, it’s just I didn’t see the visual cue.
MADGE
That’s what you call this?
BRADDOCK
Where’s your husband?
MADGE
What?
WHITTLE
I’m sorry, Madge. When was the last time you saw your husband, James Stallion?
Back into the Kitchen:
STALLION
Shh. Shh! My name, I heard my name.
FAWX
Yes, you’re always on everybody’s tongue but now isn’t the -
STALLION
No, Hampton. Whoever’s out there just said my name.
Back in the Living Room:
MADGE
Whose business is it where James is, I’m not his mother.
WHITTLE
You are his wife.
BRADDOCK
Does Mr. Stallion make a habit out of spending nights doing activities you don’t know about?
MADGE
Of course he does, I’m his wife. Now what does this have to do with you two?
WHITTLE
Look, Mrs. Stallion, we’re just trying to make an accurate timeline.
MADGE
Timeline? Timeline for what?
BRADDOCK
For the murder of Lucius Peppermint.
Back in the Kitchen:
STALLION
There! Did you hear that?
HOLMES/FAWX
What?
STALLION
They just said my name in the same breath as Lucius Peppermint!
HOLMES
I thought you wanted to be mentioned in the same breath as Lucius Peppermint.
STALLION
Not if he’s dead, you thick knob!
Back in the Living Room:
MADGE
You can’t possibly be thinking what I think you’re thinking.
BRADDOCK
Oh, Mrs. Stallion, you have no idea what we think we’re thinking.
MADGE
Well good because it sounds like you’re thinking my husband James has something to do with the death of Lucius Peppermint.
WHITTLE
Well, it seems London’s greatest deductive mind strikes again because, and truly I am sorry it had to come out this way -
In the Kitchen:
FAWX
No! You don’t think that they think -
STALLION
Oh, Hampton, I very much think they think they do.
In the Living Room:
WHITTLE
We have good reason to think that your husband, James Stallion, murdered his business partner, Lucius Peppermint.
MADGE
And why the fuck would I think that you think that?
BRADDOCK
Because in the three minutes before the murder he was heard saying–
Flipping open his notebook:
STALLION
I’m simply going to find Lucius. And then I’m going to kill him!
STALLION
I feel like I literally could not have been more clear on my plan of 1) finding Lucius, and 2) killing him. It’s a two step plan!
Closes notebook
MADGE
Alright, yeah I can see how that would look bad.
WHITTLE
Now, I can tell by your shock you had no idea, which is personally reassuring, but Mrs. Stallion -
BRADDOCK
Shh!
WHITTLE
Braddock, I think we can extend a little sympathy here. She clearly didn’t know her husband was a murderer. Or - sorry - did you? Because that’d be relevant to our case -
BRADDOCK
No, you dolt - !
WHITTLE
(chiding)
Braddock...
BRADDOCK
No, Inspector. The kitchen. It spoke. She’s got someone back there.
In the Kitchen:
FAWX/STALLION
(Gasp)
Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit
The Living Room:
MADGE
No, I don’t.
BRADDOCK
Oh no? And how do we know you ain’t lying?
MADGE
Because I’m not.
BRADDOCK
Ah ha! Classic liar rhetoric. Now come on, Whittle. If there’s no one back there, let’s have a poke around.
MADGE
Absolutely not! You can’t just search my home without my permission.
BRADDOCK
Actually we can, you invited us in.
MADGE
Ugh, and this is why I’m never polite.
WHITTLE
This won’t be more than a minute Mrs. Stallion, and again, I’m sorry.
Whispers:
I’m a huge fan.
In the Kitchen:
STALLION
I knew it, I knew the ride would be over soon. I’ll miss you most of all, tailored bespoke suits.
FAWX
No! James, focus, there has to be a way out. Oh, wait! Idea! Escape through the back door?
STALLION
Don’t you remember we got rid of the back door when we got the new wallpaper, I told you this when I got it installed and you said it was fine!
The kettle goes off.
FAWX
Uh, uh… the window, is there a window we can -
STALLION
That requires climbing, there’s no way I can get out in time there must be something else we can–
HOLMES
So, chaps! I made tea…
FAWX
Yes! Brilliant!
HOLMES
Oh, thank you, I’m rather happy with it. I know, it doesn’t smell like Earl Gray, it - well, it smells like oolong but - oh wait, was that something? Am I right?
FAWX
Hold still for a moment, please.
FAWX rips the false moustache off HOLMES’s face with no warning.
HOLMES
Oh my–ow! Bloodhounds in the blistering belfry, what was that for?
FAWX
You said it was easy to remove!
HOLMES
Easy, not painless! Couldn’t you have used yours?
FAWX
Couldn’t you have not lied to us for three days?
HOLMES
That’s fair.
In the Living Room:
BRADDOCK
Now, this ain’t funny no more, for the last time let us through.
WHITTLE
We’ll only be a couple of minutes, Mrs. Stallion.
MADGE
And I already told you both, my husband. Isn’t. Here - !
The door to the kitchen opens. FAWX and HOLMES pour through with STALLION, freshly adorned with Fitzy’s moustache on his face.
FAWX
Ah! Braddock and Whittle so… surprising to see you? And without your equine halves. How refreshing.
BRADDOCK
Well, well Hampton Faux. [pronounced Foe]
FAWX
So glad you’re getting your crown’s worth out of that.
BRADDOCK
Standard prices goin’ up, I gotta get my money’s worth.
FAWX
I was just escorting my friend here back to… his house! He’s, oh well, he’s quite three sheets to the monsoon at the moment.
STALLION delicately fake hiccups by saying the word “hiccup”
WHITTLE
Oh well, that’s awfully kind of you.
FAWX
Yes, so if you’ll excuse us, we’ll just be on our way.
BRADDOCK
Ah, ah, ah, before you go, mind if we get the name of your friend here?
STALLION
My name? My name, my name is … Geor -
FAWX
Flexton Jones. This is the amazing, up and coming actor Flexton Jones. Note his trademark mustache. In fact it’s an insult you didn’t recognize him earlier.
BRADDOCK
Oh yeah? What would I recognize him from?
FAWX
Someone’s clearly never taken in London’s underground independent theater scene.
BRADDOCK
I have a steady paycheck and regular days off, when would I have time to do that?
WHITTLE
Oh, so you’re an actor! That’s not an everyday profession. Say, how do you memorize all those lines?
Beat.
STALLION
That’s an ignorant question, and I won’t answer it.
BRADDOCK
Well if I didn’t believe he was an actor before. Alright well before you go, what were you up to tonight between the hours of 6pm and right now?
FAWX
We were… rehearsing. A show that required a lot of drinking, and Flexton wanted to see what it would be like to really be that drunk, turns out the answer is: Quite. So now he’s drunk and he’s just remembered he has an overnight shift at… work, so… excuse us.
WHITTLE
And who’s he?
HOLMES
I’m…Fitzy…um…
He realizes he never came up with a last name.
Fitzwilliams? Press.
BRADDOCK
Oh yeah, the boring one. Ey, didn’t you have a moustache before?
HOLMES
I shaved it. These three here helped me realize–it didn’t suit me.
SIMULTANEOUSLY:
STALLION
Doesn’t have the upper lip.
MADGE
Face is too square.
FAWX
Embarrassing.
WHITTLE
Been there. You know, why don’t we give your friend a lift to the park? That is if he’s not allergic to horses. Are you allergic to horses, sir? It’s more common that you think -
STALLION
Oh I don’t–
MADGE
Yes! Actually. I think that is a great idea!
FAWX
…is it?
MADGE
Yes! For…Flexton to…go to the park. Sober up. Lay low, until the…hangover passes.
STALLION
Uh huh. Yes. Let’s go to the park, then. Though I may be inebriated, that doesn’t stop the genius of Flexton Jones from observing all of the hu man behavior in this room. Observing. And Harvesting. To use… at work….
Slight beat.
BRADDOCK
Coulda just said thanks, but sure…alright, let’s get going then–
He opens the front door. Immediate wave of voices of the press outside. There are a lot of people, all yelling for the attention of the occupants of 224B.
The door shuts.
MADGE
Umm… What?
HOLMES runs out of the living room.
BRADDOCK
What’s wrong with him?
MADGE
He doesn’t care for the press.
WHITTLE
But isn’t he press?
MADGE
It’s a–bullying thing. Cricket match got real personal, spiraled from there, you see it everyday.
FAWX
I’m sorry but what’s going on out there?
BRADDOCK
Damn Press. Word musta got out from the pub.
WHITTLE
I told you we should’ve waited until after. Oh well. Again, we’re really sorry to disturb you this evening.
BRADDOCK
But first thing in the morning, if he doesn’t show up, eh?
MADGE
Yes, I understand. Now, please fuck off and tell them to do the same.
BRADDOCK/WHITTLE
(Tipping their hat, in unison)
Ma’am.
BRADDOCK
Jones, ya ridin’ rump with Whittle. I’ll take potential perps we pick up along the way. Now, come on. Out of the way, you degenerate community members!
A cacophony of voices is heard rising outside. A horse whinnying.
WHITTLE
Tally ho!
They open the door. The crowd is in full swing as we stay with FAWX and MADGE. BRADDOCK & WHITTLE walk away with STALLION. To BRADDOCK. And they’re gone. The door closes, and we’re alone with FAWX, MADGE, and HOLMES
MADGE
Oh fuck, fuck, fuck -
FAWX
This is terrible!
MADGE
And he’s in disguise!
FAWX
He’s terrible at disguises!
MADGE
Nothing to keep him hidden but that cheap mustache!
HOLMES
(creeping back in)
Actually the mustache was made from Clydesdale Hair.
MADGE
What did you just say?
HOLMES
I said the mustache is made out of Clydesdale hair. Like Scottish horses. Big fellows. Beefy boys. So it’s not cheap, it’s actually quite -
MADGE
So you’re saying we put him on a horse wearing a disguise made from a horse?
FAWX
He’ll be bucked off by the time they hit Waterloo.
HOLMES
Mm, I don’t think that’s how it works. There’s no scientific record stating that horses have the ability to sense clothing material made from other horses.
MADGE
(just kinda done with this shit)
Just cuz it’s science, don’t mean it’s cool, Fuck-o!
HOLMES
Excuse me?
MADGE
Yeah, science also states that I can call you silly and profane names but it doesn’t feel good when I do that, now does it, Fitzy?
Beat.
HOLMES
Are we still discussing the horse?
FAWX
Poor James, he’s probably so frightened right now -
Whoosh.
Cutaway to STALLION on horseback with WHITTLE, BRADDOCK on the neighboring horse:
WHITTLE
So did you have any sort of pushback from your parents over you becoming an actor?
STALLION
We will not talk on this trip. I need to memorize.
BRADDOCK
Memorize? But you ain’t got no script.
STALLION
That’s because I know my lines. I’m a professional.
WHITTLE
Absolutely Crackin’.
Whoosh. Back in 224B:
FAWX
Absolutely terrified.
MADGE
Well, get ya stuff. Let’s get a move on.
MADGE puts her coat on and heads to the door.
HOLMES
A move on? Where are we supposed to be going?
MADGE
To solve the bloody case, where do you think?
HOLMES
Well, now, I really wouldn’t recommend going–
She opens the door. The reporters immediately swarm.
STANDARD REPORTER
Mrs. Stallion, Mrs. Stallion, where’s your husband now?
TIMES REPORTER
Is this his first murder or have there been others?
SPECTACLE REPORTER
Is there really a correlation between being classically handsome and being a full blown psychopath?
MADGE
What the f-
FAWX
Madge, language. Child.
MADGE
Wha -Who in their right mind would bring a… Magdalene?.
MARGERY
Margery. Daughters of the Knitting Circle? You spoke at our event two days ago.
MADGE
Right… what are you doing here? Did I forget a check?
MARGERY
No. I was out for a walk with my daughter Anastasia, here, say hello, Anastasia.
ANASTASIA
Ok, mummy. Hullo, Madame! Isn’t the weather being good?
MADGE
Charmed.
MARGERY
As circumstances would have it, we live just down the street at 312, saw the commotion and decided to see what it was about. But I am glad to see you, because you do actually still need to pay your dues-
MADGE
Right well, Look I’m sorry, happy you have a kid, I’m sure that’s fun for you. But I gotta -
TIMES REPORTER
Mrs. Stallion, is it true you had no idea your husband’s park has put him thousands of pounds in debt?
Group gasp.
MADGE
What? No -
STANDARD REPORTER
No, you didn’t know? Or no, you’re still so rich you use the poor as your personal furniture and never use a coaster?
MADGE
No, he’s not in– I’m not answering that?
FAWX
Madge.
TIMES REPORTER
Is it safe to say you don’t know your husband as well as you thought?
SPECTACLE REPORTER
As the greatest living detective mind in London, how could you possibly miss this?
FAWX
Let’s go back.
MADGE
Yeah, fuck this. Move.
SPECTACLE REPORTER
Did your husband murder Lucius Peppermint by poisoning his food? And is this what happens when men cook?
MADGE
He didn’t kill anyone!
STANDARD REPORTER
Do you think your husband got so tired of his excessive wealth and good looks that he had no other choice but to murder just to feel something again?
SPECTACLE REPORTER
What drives a man to snap like that, and is it possible his wife is slacking a bit in the ole wife department?
MADGE
Slacking? I ain’t slackin’ on anything, so you can–
TIMES REPORTER
So he just snapped? Hoping to test our public morality in prosecuting someone that good-looking?
MADGE
No, because he’s not the–
SPECTACLE REPORTER
Is it because he murdered a man, is this like a whole sort of feminist statement?
STANDARD REPORTER
Or would it be better if it were a woman he murdered, since you, quote, “don’t care for women,” end quote?
TIMES REPORTER
Great question. What he said!
MADGE
Wait, so do you want me to support him or not?
TIMES REPORTER
No.
STANDARD REPORTER
Yes.
SPECTACLE REPORTER
Undecided but I don’t like whatever the current choice is!
MADGE
Right, fuck this, get out of my way.
MADGE starts pushing her way through the crowd but there are too many of them and they follow her
MARGERY
Right, Mrs. Stallion, why don’t you come with–
FAWX
Madge, let me–
STANDARD REPORTER
Mrs. Stallion, your husband’s just been charged with murder, what’s your immediate next move?
TIMES REPORTER
Are you distraught?
SPECTACLE REPORTER
Are you Guilty?
TIMES REPORTER
Oh, Are you the actual murderer? Wouldn’t that be fun.
MARGERY
(concerned)
Madge–?
The same waterfalls sound we heard with WATSON creeps back in, replacing the crowd slowly.
STANDARD REPORTER
Are you what my daughter calls a “bad feminist”?
SPECTACLE REPORTER
A genius?
TIMES REPORTER
A lone wolf?
FAWX
Madge!
SPECTACLE REPORTER
Just kinda an asshole?
It’s deafening. The falls rising. MADGE is panicking.
MADGE
I–I don’t–
STANDARD REPORTER
Be honest, is your husband the real detective here?
SPECTACLE REPORTER
Do you think Sherlock Holmes would be proud of what you’ve done with his legacy?
TIMES REPORTER
Do you think you’re better than him?
MADGE
I already asked you once.
SPECTACLE REPORTER
Do you think you’re better than us?
STANDARD REPORTER
Do you think you’re above telling us the truth?
We almost can’t hear them over the roaring of the Falls.
TIMES REPORTER
When your husband goes to jail will you visit him?
SPECTACLE REPORTER
Will you miss him?
STANDARD REPORTER
What’s your “Second Act” look like?
TIMES REPORTER
Can I get a quote?
STANDARD REPORTER
A picture?
SPECTACLE REPORTER
A washed up candy wrapper for my very normal scrapbook collection?
FAWX
Madge, right through -
MARGERY
Here Madge, do you -
MADGE
Get the fuck away from me!
MADGE pushes through, in the process pushing ANASTASIA roughly to the ground. The crowd gasps.
What?
Anastasia whimpers.
ANASTASIA
I’ve fallen on my rump, mummy. My rump hurts now. Now, my rump hurts!
ANASTASIA cries. Everything is finally quiet. MADGE, overwhelmed, immediately feels guilty.
MADGE
Oh. God. Uhh, No, nope. I’m sorry. Hey I’m sorry -
FAWX
Madge, let’s get you ins -
MARGERY
Sweetie. Sweetie, it’s ok. You’re going to be -
SPECTACLE REPORTER
Oh my god… Madge Stallion just pushed that kid!
The crowd is back in full force!
STANDARD REPORTER
Mrs. Stallion, is your not having children out of a fear of tripping over them?
TIMES REPORTER
What’s worse, your husband’s probable arrest or this right now?
MADGE
No, hey, is anyone gonna check on the - Margery, wait! I’m so- It was an accident! I didn’t see you - I’m Ahhh.
General hubbub.
Oy! Back up, back up, back the fuck up! I ain’t gonna tell ya again!
Huge gasps!
SPECTACLE REPORTER
Why, do we have to be this tall to get shoved by you or something?
MADGE
Come here, you -
FAWX
Nope!!! Nope, nope, nope.
MADGE charges for the reporter, FAWX intercepts and pulls her away.
EXT. Side Street.
FAWX
Ok, I think we lost them. Alright, well that was obviously not our finest moment. Madge, are you -
MADGE
Alright Fitzy. Fuck this. Who did it?
FAWX
Madge!
HOLMES
I’m sorry?
MADGE
Just stop all this! Stop! Stop and tell us who the murderer is!
HOLMES
I’ve–told you, I can’t.
MADGE
That’s just not true!
HOLMES
I, I–I can’t.
MADGE
You can, just do it!
HOLMES
I want to, b–
MADGE
If you want to, then bloody do it!
HOLMES
If I could solve it don’t you think I would have by now?! I can’t! If I had the, the time, the energy, the ability to solve it, to solve anything, do you think I wouldn’t still be out there, doing it myself? Obviously!
FAWX
Oh, obviously -you’ve been lying to us this whole time, why should we believe anything you say?
MADGE
Hampton, just. Wait, he’s clearly going through -–
FAWX
I’m sorry, what?! No, you were angry with him ten seconds ago, stop it, stop taking his side! He’s not our friend, he is selfish, and aggravating, and worse, he can’t even help with the case. He’s completely useless, so the clear answer here is to ask him, unkindly, to please go home to the one person who actually cares!
MADGE
Hampton!
HOLMES
I understand that from an outside point of view, what I’ve done may not–
FAWX
You know what, I know what’s happening, I know exactly what is happening. The second we start winning, the second it’s our turn, he has to come here and ruin it for us–James is wanted for murder and he’d rather let him be arrested than help us figure it out, just because we might get the credit for once!
HOLMES
(getting pretty angry put pushing it down)
I’m going to let that quite uncharitable statement go because you are clearly emotionally compromised–
FAWX
Me???? I’m the emotional one?!!!! Then what the fuck are you?!
HOLMES
First of all, the mere idea that only one person can be the “emotional one” is a well-known logical fallacy, see the old “Two truths can coexist” adage - –
FAWX
GAH! It’s all a game to you, isn’t it? Just a big, stupid game. We’re a game, James is a game, Dennis and Lucius’s lives are a game, even John Watson is a game!
This hit a nerve. A barrier flies up and something cold creeps into his voice:
HOLMES
I think if you would simply take the most miniscule peek outside your own myopic prism of self-serving victimhood, you would see that I have actually been trying to help you.
FAWX
I don’t care! I don’t care, I don’t feel bad for you, and I don’t need a lesson, because guess what, Fitzy? We were doing just fine without you!
When HOLMES speaks it’s in a tone we’ve never heard from him before, something ugly and bitter.
HOLMES
Right. I see. You’re at the “that couldn’t possibly happen to me” stage, aren’t you? It’s nice, right? God, I miss it, I really do. Lots of recreational drug use, though, so watch out for that.
FAWX
Oh please, we are nothing like –
HOLMES
But you don’t actually know that, do you, you child. It’s easy now. It’s possible to do it correctly now, when it’s only a few people asking–one person, perhaps, telling you you’re interesting and special and funny and extraordinary. But then they read it, other people, and they’ll want you to be something else, and then some other people want you to be another thing, and then oh, look, this third group over here is saying “excuse me, fuck you, what about us?” And it’s inevitable, it really, really is. You’ll see, and eventually you will drag yourself across the finish line of a case you barely kept your head above water on, and you will look out over that blasted waterfall and realize that maybe, maybe, if everyone just thinks you’re dead, then at least that’s the only thing you have to be to them anymore!
The anger leaves him in one giant rush and he’s suddenly just tired and sad and full of regret. After a long moment:
MADGE
Why are you actually here, Fitzy?
HOLMES
I wanted to see if it would be different for you. But then, we can always recognize our own, can’t we?
Beat.
Right. I’ll find my own way, shall I?
No answer, which is answer enough. HOLMES leaves, cold and disappointed.
FAWX
Thank god, that’s over. Now Madge if we leave now we can be at the coroner’s in -
MADGE
Hampton, I’m not going.
Beat.
FAWX
But - But we have a case to solve.
MADGE
Yeah, I know and I think you know full well I’ve been slowing you down. I–look, I think I just need–
FAWX
Need to what? Madge, this is ridiculous, there’s no time, if we don’t solve this James is -
MADGE
We both know James has a worse shot with me involved–the press are after me, the police are after him, I’ve got nothing productive to add and you’re–you’ve got this, you’re—I have to clean up this mess, so–
She’s off, in the opposite direction.
FAWX
Madge, wait! You can’t just—what, I’m just supposed to solve it on my own?
She stops at the end of the block.
MADGE
Yeah. And it’s gonna be fucking brilliant.
And she’s gone.
CREDITS