INT 224B Baker. About twenty minutes later. 

FAWX is pacing around. Formulating his new, solo, plan.

FAWX

Alright, Ambrosius–next steps! You only need one mind to solve a mystery. Everyone else is just a sentient sounding board–helpful, but not necessary. Even you can do that! 

Ambrosius meows like “hey.” 

Apologies, perhaps that came out too harshly. I’m sure you could solve a mystery if you wanted.

Ambrosius meows like “thank you.”

And she will be back. Any minute now, she’ll come waltzing through that door. Waltzing like the… Classic Madge she is. 

Knock on the door. 

See, what did I tell you? Pretty soon we’ll be solving the mystery of why my foresight doesn’t pay off on a larger s- 

He goes to the door and smugly opens it. Sees who’s there:

Scale. 

WEATHERBY

Oh. Hello. Mr–

FAWX

(preemptively correcting her) 

Fawx. 

WEATHERBY

Yes. With a W and an X. I love tax forms. You get to know so much about a person without all the awkward chit chat. It saves up to three conversations. Um. Could I come in? I didn’t know where else to go, and…can we talk?  

FAWX

(pleasantly surprised and a little shocked)

Well–well, come in! 

He steps aside to let her in and she walks past him. To himself more than Ambrosius: 

Ambrosius, I think the game’s turned our way at last... 

WEATHERBY

(from the behind him, PSYCHED)

You have a cat?!

CREDITS

EXT. 22Fun B Baker Merriment and Memorial. Around 10 PM. 

STALLION walking into the park. BRADDOCK and WHITTLE on their horses a bit away.

WHITTLE

And Scotland Yard wishes you a very “break a leg at your rehearsal, Mr. Jones!”

BRADDOCK

Whittle, shut up, he’s not even famous. 

WHITTLE

Might be one day, doesn’t mean I can’t invest in free tickets now.

They’re gone. 

STALLION

Thank god. 

He starts running through the woods, stubs his toe on a rock, stops

Ow, ow, stupid rock! 

He runs and trips over another rock. 

Agh! That’s it: All rocks are henceforth banished the week after opening. 

A sound in the woods, like someone moving quietly. 

Oh god. Who’s that? Hello! Oh Christ, you blew the element of surprise. James, your devil may care charm may have finally done you in. 

Another sound, closer.

Nevermind! There’s no one… here? 

Another sound, closer.

STALLION begins running through the woods and crashes into another person.

STALLION

Oh my god! Don’t kill me! 

ARCHIE

Bloody hell, what on God’s - 

They both realize who it is. 

STALLION

ARCHIE!

ARCHIE

JAMES!

A quick embrace.

STALLION

Archie! Thank god! Oh, I’m so happy I found you. 

ARCHIE

Me too, James, me too, but -  what are you doing here? Were you looking for me? Was that actually Sherlock H–

STALLION

Answers to all come in due time, but first, why are you here? You were just at 224–

ARCHIE

Per the contract I have to work 22-hour shifts leading up to opening, remember? 

STALLION

No I don’t remember, Lucius was in charge of the specifics of each contract and as you can recall, it turns out we weren’t on the same page about some details. Goddamn him for that as well, but anyway - do you remember when Lucius Peppermint died - 

ARCHIE

Yes, James, it was three hours ago and I was standing right next to you.

RAKE

(approaching)

Flexton! Flexton, is that you?

STALLION

Here!

ARCHIE

Sorry, what?

STALLION

Go with it - Hey, yes, hi. Flexton Jones right here! And is that… Thomas Rake?

RAKE

Ah, probably couldn’t see me in the dark, yes. Tis I. Didn’t mean to frighten you. 

STALLION

(going for his approximation of Flexton Jones)

Good thing for both of us: the only thing that frightens me is my potential. 

RAKE

Right on, rock solid response. Well, Look, I’m glad I found you, when you didn’t show up for rehearsal tonight I was worried, what with… everything goin’ on and what not. And–oh, Mr. Cartwright? That you? I’ve never seen you with your hair out of a net. It’s so…coiffed. 

ARCHIE

Oh, well–I think I brushed it last week, so. Call me Archie, please. 

RAKE

Right on, right on. Well look, I don’t mean to interrupt both of your nights–I mean don’t get me wrong, I totally understand the attraction of a private, wooded glen, very bohemian, but we're getting together the whole 22-Fun cast for a Pre-Opening Party tonight and you should-

ARCHIE

Well, I don’t–

STALLION

Yes! We’ll go. To this secondary location. Both of us. Shall we?

RAKE

Oh, fantastic! We can turn it into a welcome party, then–initiate our two new cast members!  

STALLION

Sorry, two? 

RAKE

Yeah, apparently Peppermint started believing in understudies right before he choked off his moral coil so…. Just off the train. Belfast Conservatory, if you can believe it? 

The sound of another set of footsteps through the woods. 

STALLION

(god dammit)

More and more easily every moment…

RAKE

Fitzwilliam, come over and meet the gang! 

And through the last set of trees pops, as we all saw coming, HOLMES. 

HOLMES

Hiya, mates! How’re we doin’ this fine evening? 

EXT. The street outside Margery’s House. Same time. 

MADGE knocks on a wooden door. You can tell this is not the first time. 

MADGE

(to herself)

Sure, the one night it’s actually more than nippy out.

She knocks again. A flurry of muffled voices are heard by the door. 

What in the…?

She knocks again. The voices whisper excitedly then quiet down.

Oy! I can hear there’s someone home. You have a guest outside, in the cold! Let’s not be dicks about this.

The door opens sharply. 

Oh thank—

LOTTIE is in the doorway. 

Fuck. 

LOTTIE

Eloquent as ever. What do you want? 

MADGE

Oh you, strangely charged as ever. I thought this was Margery’s house. Is she in? I just want to apologize–

LOTTIE

For shoving her physically and emotionally immature daughter, Anastasia, to the ground, yes?

MADGE

Jesus, word travels fast. Yeah. That. Look, I obviously have the wrong house, so I’ll just piss off–

LOTTIE

You should come in.

MADGE

Right but before I do that I have to ask: Is this a trap? This feels like a trap. 

LOTTIE doesn’t deny it. Waits, stares. 

Fuck it, fine! Colder than some of my exes out here and in there, I suppose. What’s the harm in a little ice.

MADGE enters and the door closes.

INT, 224B. A few minutes later. 

FAWX pours WEATHERBY a drink. They’re in the sitting room. 

WEATHERBY

I mean, it’s not even like we were friends, exactly. Lucius and I. He didn’t even write me a recommendation for this internship I wanted at the Daughters of the Knitting Circle back in ‘88, but I always assumed that was because I was such a good assistant that he couldn’t bear the thought of me wasting my administrative talents on quilts. Even though I like them. It’s just…

FAWX

The park.  

WEATHERBY

The park. Yes. Our platonic work-child. You know, I’ve been working for him for over 5 years now, and I didn’t feel like he really trusted me until a only few months ago when we greenlit 22Fun. Trusted me with his mail, his appointments, his tea occasionally–but with an idea? 

FAWX

Partnership is a rare and fragile beast.

WEATHERBY

Here here! 

She takes a drink.

Everything else I’ve ever tried to do has fallen apart at the seams–I tried going to uni but all the Gothic architecture gave me night terrors. I tried my hand at jewelry design, but apparently no one wants a locket you can wear on your finger if the name sounds like a swear. 

FAWX

What was the– 

WEATHERBY

The Focket.

FAWX

That’s what I thought. 

WEATHERBY

Throw all that together with some senseless claims about cheap metals, and fingers going green, and “mercury poisoning” concerns and how is any idea supposed to get off the ground! I mean it’s 1891, who hasn’t had mercury poisoning?! 

FAWX

Right?

WEATHERBY

So this…Honestly? I loved Mr Holmes’s stories. Used to read them with my nan the day they came out. Reading about his cases…it was like the world finally made sense, like everything had a purpose and fit in their right place. So when he died, I asked Lucius if he thought, maybe, other people might see themselves in those stories too. And he listened! But…

FAWX

But then a murder happened - 

WEATHERBY

Yeah…

FAWX

I can see how that would put a damper on things. 

WEATHERBY

No, it’s not that. I mean, yes, that, obviously it’s horrible–but the park could survive Dennis’s murder, especially if we found the killer. But can it survive Lucius’s? He was the face of the park! 

FAWX

I mean, Sherlock Holmes was the face of the park but I see what you’re getting at. 

WEATHERBY

Exactly - And it’s not Lucius’s fault that he was murdered! Or who knows - I mean, he could be a real son of a rat bastard when he wanted to be, like an overprotective grandfather - but he could also be incredibly sweet and considerate. Like an overprotective grandfather. Could I get a refill?

FAWX

Right, remind me, it was - 

WEATHERBY

Just seltzer with a drop of bitters, shaken with ice and poured in a champagne flute with two cherries. Nothing fancy. 

FAWX

Of course.

WEATHERBY

It’s just figures though, he finally gives me a chance to be a part of a project from the ground up, and then he dies?! Without letting me know beforehand so I could schedule in time for proper mourning? Oh god - I’m so sorry I’m just unburdening myself all over your charmingly cluttered living room - 

FAWX

Oh, it was made for unburdening. Unburden away. 

WEATHERBY

But I just… I don’t know, I really cared about this one, you know? It was real, and he was the person who made it happen and… it just feels like he…left me behind. Does that even make sense? 

Beat. It really, really does. 

FAWX

Uh. Yes, yes, I suppose it does. I mean, this case–even before Lucius’s murder, it was quite a big deal for us, you know? Make a name for ourselves, finally put our stamp on the Consulting Detective scene, without… someone else hanging over us. And, honestly, between you and me, it feels like I’ve been the only one even trying to keep the wheels on! I–I went undercover, I worked an entire shift as a waiter, I had to do a whole hour of “mirror exercises” which were very confusing and I’m convinced didn’t help me in the slightest, I found John Watson, and still I–well, it seems I’ve also been left behind. 

A thought: 

But that doesn’t mean we can’t still solve it, Weatherby. In fact, I think we have to. The two of us. 

WEATHERBY

Oh! Yes, thank you for reminding me! That’s the other thing I came to talk to you about. I think I have something you’re going to want to see. 

Whoosh. 

INT. Margery’s House. 

MADGE is being led in by LOTTIE. 

MADGE

So as I was saying, the whole me pushing her kid thing. That was not - 

LOTTIE

Hold for just one moment, Mrs. Stallion. I believe there’s someone else who should be hearing this. Ladies!

They turn the corner. The entirety of the DAUGHTERS OF THE KNITTING CIRCLE are there.

DAUGHTERS OF THE KNITTING CIRCLE

Knit Knit Knit Knit Knit.  

MADGE

Jesus!

LOTTIE

It looks as if we have a last minute guest joining us this evening. 

MADGE

Oh would you look at that, everyone’s… here. 

LISBETH

Madge Stallion, what a surprise. You know we never got your RSVP for this evening, but that’s alright we can… I guess we can move some chairs around and - 

MADGE

It’s really no problem- I’ve crashed your little party and it’s late so I’ll just - 

LANOLIN

We already kicked Margery out of her chair.

MADGE

Isn’t it her house? 

MARGERY

It’s fine, there’s a perfectly good corner over here. I do so love to lean.

LOTTIE

Did you forget, Mrs. Stallion, that tonight is the Daughters of the Knitting Circle’s Monthly Movement Meetup? 

MADGE

I… pff, no. I didn’t… Yeah, I forgot. 

A hubbub of the “we’re not mad we’re disappointed” variety. 

Well you send out a new RSVP every odd week, it’s hard to keep track of that much cheap cardstock.

LOTTIE

Well, now that you’ve said hello, apologized to the wrong person, and insulted Lanolin’s stationery, I’m sure you’ll be wanting to go–I hear that Crime is probably waking up soon.

LOTTIE moves to the door to show her out. 

MADGE

Wait! Actually, if it’s alright, I think I’d like to stay?

Silence, of the surprised variety. 

I mean…why not, yeah?

LOTTIE

Well then… take a seat. 

LANOLIN

Margery’s is available. 

Whoosh. 

INT. 224B Baker with FAWX and WEATHERBY

WEATHERBY

So, after Lucius died I figured the police would want to question me, since I’m in charge of all his scheduling, his taxes, his affairs - business, personal, and marital - his diet, and his clothing choice –but they said I was free to go after asking me basically nothing. And I wanted to help, I wanted to do… anything to solve this and keep the park going–but no one will let me! So! I took matters into my own hands. Literally. 

She sets her bag heavily on the table. 

I have a key to Lucius’s office - he always liked a fire going in there before he arrived for warmth and personal brooding purposes. So I let myself in. I figured I’d have a few hours before the police had the thought to look, and. Well. At this point, I trust you more than them. 

FAWX

I would hope so, I saw Braddock feed his horse an emptied jar of jam out of Whittle’s helmet once. 

WEATHERBY

I don’t know who to feel worse for: Whittle or the Horse.

Beat.

FAWX/WEATHERBY

The Horse. 

WEATHERBY

Ha. Anyway, everything was sort of…normal? The decorative clutter, the emptied whiskey and milk bottles, the excessive amounts of lolly wrappers. But then…I noticed something. 

She pulls out a few sheets of paper, delicately.

I found these in his fireplace. 

FAWX

What are these–

WEATHERBY

Employment records. Dennis’s. The ones that were missing after his body was found. I assumed it was his usual negligence, but…Mr. Fawx, I think he was trying to destroy them. 

FAWX

Farnsworth Truckle, Desmond Highbottom--god, these cannot possibly be their legal names–wait. D E N, the rest is gone but that has to be him, right–? 

WEATHERBY

That’s my theory. 

FAWX

But wait…the surname. B-R…No, it can’t be….  

Whoosh. 

INT. The Hard Rocks Cafe - rehearsal hall. A group of actors warming up with great enthusiasm, to ARCHIE’s increasing horror. 

ARCHIE

(to STALLION)

James, what in the hell have you gotten us into.

STALLION

(to ARCHIE)

You think I have any idea? I just employ these people. 

ARCHIE

I thought you prided yourself on knowing everyone at the park as a friend. 

STALLION

Well since one of them was siphoning money from me for the last 3 months, I guess I was fucking wrong.

TOODLES

Sorry to interrupt, but do you guys want some opium?

ARCHIE

Uhh… no? Is that alright?

TOODLES

Fine by me. Fitzwilliam? 

HOLMES (as Fitzy)

Oh, no thanks. Two years clean. But I do love the smell.

A murmuring of “oh, mate, good for you” from all assembled. 

STALLION

I hear that first year is hard. 

HOLMES

Not nearly as hard as the second.

ARCHIE

(“Don’t encourage him”)

James…

STALLION

Oh, so we’re pro-opium now? 

RAKE

Alright! Alright, settle, settle my compatriots. 

The crowd settles. 

I want to welcome you all to the final evening of The Cabaret-ker Street Players for the pre-22Fun B Season!

An assortment of applause.

For those joining for the first time - Mr. Flexton Jones, Mr Fitzwilliam, and Mr. Archie Cartwright - I want to thank you for sharing not only your time and your talent, but your company with these hooligans, mavens, and budding artistes. 

Another assortment of applause.

STALLION

Really, it’s no trouble. For years I’ve-

RAKE

When I began doing Cabaret evenings in my flat, during a particularly bleak production of Petit Faust Jr. back in ‘86, it was a way for the cast and crew to bond. To exorcize all of our hardships and frustrations with the  production at hand and to have a space for our roving band of roustabouts to cultivate any skills not being utilized properly by the show to express ourselves, yes, but also to hone more special skills for potential auditions. And it is with that in mind. I’d like to welcome to the “stage” - 

An amicable giggle from the crowd - 

Our first volunteers, Farnsworth Truckle and Davy the Doll! 

A series of scattered applause.

ARCHIE

Oh, Christ on a crumpet. 

FARNSWORTH

Hi, I’m Farnsworth Truckle

As “Davey”:

“And I’m Davy.”

HOLMES

(to ARCHIE, privately)

Mr. Cartwright, now that we’re here–I feel that I may owe you a bit of an apology for earlier. You see, to explain, a few months back–

ARCHIE

Oh, that –that doesn’t really sound like any of my business.

HOLMES

That’s very kind, but I am offering the information. 

ARCHIE

And I am very kindly declining it.

Back with FARNSWORTH

FARNSWORTH

Say, Davy, have you been drinking tonight?

“Not me, I’m a good doll, I am. But clearly you have!”

Why do you say that?

HOLMES

(to himself)

Well, you’re the one talking to a doll.

FARNSWORTH

“You’re the one talking to a doll, ain’t ya?”

HOLMES

Oh, so this is where I’ve still got it?! 

ARCHIE

(“get me out of here”)

James, you know I don’t like dolls when they’re stationary, asking me to believe they're alive is over the line. 

STALLION

I know, I’m thinking. They’re just acting so close to us that I keep getting distracted by having to show them positive attention. 

RAKE

That was wonderful. Wonderful stuff. Now does anyone have any feedback for Farnsworth. Remember only what you saw and what you heard. Yes, Desmond.

DESMOND

I didn’t see any stakes. Like why are you telling these jokes?

FARNSWORTH

Yeah, well I was thinking that with my “dad” - 

RAKE

Farnsworth, your art speaks for itself. Remember that. Sit back, receive. You never need to engage with Feedback. Toodles. 

TOODLES

I think you can play more with the pauses between jokes. 

RAKE abruptly puts his drink on the table.

RAKE

Toodles! Only what you saw and what you heard. Farnsworth, disregard that note. Alright. Anyone else? No? Good. I thought it was your and Davy’s best set yet. You’re more confident, you’re more comfortable, and once you get your mouth to stop moving during Davy’s lines you’ll be a one-man wrecking crew, Yeah? Good. Next up we have Jack Reginald with what I can only assume is the next in his series of 5-minute operettas. Jack.

A noticeably bigger applause. 

ARCHIE

James, you cannot make me stay here for amateur opera.

STALLION

(“can you chill out for three seconds?”)

Who knows, maybe it’ll be a Mozart, you love Mozart! 

ARCHIE

(“no!”)

I love Figaro!

JACK

This week I’ll be performing the whole of the HMS Pinafore… in 5 minutes. 

ARCHIE

Absolutely not.

He gets up. 

RAKE

Whoa, Mr. Cartwright. Jack’s about to show us his “British Tar”. You have somewhere to be?

ARCHIE

As a matter of fact I do, actually. Opening being tomorrow I just, I thought, you know, I should be getting back to my mise en place. 

RAKE

I understand, believe me. Everyone here understands the importance of honing your craft, don’t we?

They all react affirmatively.

But in the spirit of art and true collaboration, you understand how it’s not the most accepting and encouraging to leave before one of our compatriot’s ups, right? Tonight’s not only an opportunity to express, but to receive. So you’ll understand how none of us go, until we’ve all gone. Get it?

Beat. Is that a threat?

STALLION

He does! He does, you do. We understand. 

RAKE

And we thank you, Flexton. And so, without further ado, Jack, the floor is yours.

JACK

Thank you… And now, HMS Pinafore… in 5 minutes. 

WHOOSH. 

INT. 224B.

FAWX and WEATHERBY going over clues. Up and pacing. 

FAWX

Brattleboro! Dennis’s last name was Brattelboro. Just like–

EVERYONE

(from 2x01)

Romulus Brattleboro!

FAWX

The owner of the Brattleboro Toy Factory. I have it on good record that Dennis told John Watson–

DENNIS

(from 2x06)

I didn’t even really want to do this, I just– family business went under and I applied to be a waiter here

FAWX

Little did I know he was talking about– 

STALLION

(from 2x01)

–when his benefactors at Dilladombromcasterwitz & Assoc. pulled the plug on his line of Spider Children plastic dolls–

FAWX

Weatherby. Was the Brattleboro Toy Factory one of Lucius’s investments? 

WEATHERBY

The Brattleboro Toy Factory? Why, yes. Well, Dilladrombromcasterwitz and Assoc.’s at least.

FAWX

Right, and Lucius was one of the Associates?

WEATHERBY

Fun Story, technically they all were! Dilladrombromcasterwitz and Assoc. are a group of silent investors who internally refer to themselves as the Dolphin Tank, and Lucius was the only one with Bottlenose status. I tried to tell him the Spider Children were not what the children wanted, but he always assumed he was so out of touch with the youth that if he didn’t understand something he’d go on and invest in it just in case. 

FAWX

But Romulus Brattleboro never got to see if they’d be a hit or not. Since Lucius pulled out, he was ruined and Dennis went from inheritor of a potentially lucrative and horrifying business to cabaret waiter with an hourly wage in a matter of weeks. 

WEATHERBY

Right, but he couldn’t have killed Lucius if he was already dead. 

FAWX

No, he couldn’t, but he could ruin him. Didn’t you say: 

WEATHERBY

(from 2x03)

Though, if you do receive any anonymous threatening notes about something horrible happening to keep the park from opening just drop those in my mail slot and don’t even worry about it. 

FAWX

Those weren’t foreshadowing the murder. 

WEATHERBY

Those were Dennis threatening to expose Lucius for breaking his contract with Brattleboro before the production of the first doll!  

FAWX

Which would have left Lucius at a dead end. Forgive the pun.

WEATHERBY

Forgiven.

FAWX

He didn’t have the money to actually invest in Brattleboro to begin with, and he couldn’t afford the public scandal, so he had no choice. Dennis told John Watson before he died that he had a meeting– That must have been Lucius.  So Lucius silences Dennis, positions himself as the victim, and creates a dramatic story for the opening of the park, all in one fell swoop!

WEATHERBY

That’s…

FAWX

(suddenly self-conscious)

Too wordy? Was my voice too high? Did I say something that set up a double entendre? 

WEATHERBY

(genuine)

Brilliant, Mr. Fawx. It was brilliant.

FAWX

…Oh. 

WEATHERBY

It just leaves the question… if Lucius killed Dennis Brattleboro… who killed him? 

WHOOSH. 

INT. MARGERY’S house and the DAUGHTERS of the KNITTING CIRCLE.

A gavel knocking on a wooden bureau. 

LOTTIE

Order. Order, ladies. Now that we’ve agreed upon the letterhead for our letter to the editor of the Times, it is time to draft the content. Now, I for one, would like to put forward a standard 3 paragraph body, totalling no more than 200 words, and escalating in severity from point-to-point. Any objections? Yes. Lisbeth.

LISBETH

I just worry that escalating from our smallest grievance to our largest gives uninvested readers an opportunity to divest early on. What about one short sentence at the top, largest grievance, bang. Here we are!

LOTTIE

Excellent counter, Any opposed? And… nice try Lisbeth, I like the input, but don’t enter the ring if you’re just going to fuck with bull. Lanolin.

LANOLIN

Did we veto the cartoon?

LOTTIE

Yes, Lanolin, we vetoed the cartoon at the last meeting. And the meeting before that. The Suggestion Box intimated that coupling our points with a cartoon only sought to undercut how seriously we’re asking to be taken.

LANOLIN

(bitter, under her breath)

It was satire…

LOTTIE

Sure it was. Madge.

MADGE

Huh?

LOTTIE

What do you think?

MADGE

Oh, uh… Ya know I’m gonna take responsibility right now and just admit that I do not know what we are - 

LOTTIE

We are speaking - once again - about the Savoy Theater’s choice to ban actresses from their 1892 season. 

MADGE

Right. Ok then my thought is… counterpoint: why do we care about that? And even if we do, do you really think the best way to get these blokes to hire some bird to play the lady in Miss Julie, is to threaten them with another piece of Cheap cardstock? Again, no offense. 

LOTTIE

Alright, that’s fair. 

MADGE

(pleasantly surprised)

…Thank you. 

LOTTIE

What's your idea? 

MADGE

My what then. 

LOTTIE

Your counter offer. If you don't like our plan.

MADGE

I—look, I–I’m just saying–I mean there’s no way any of the shows are going to be good. So why don’t you just let it crash and burn? You’ll look like the better alternative, and you can move on to something that, like, actually matters?

LOTTIE

Well, Madge, if being bad at something meant that you then had to stop doing it, I imagine we'd have significantly fewer members of parliament and one fewer detective agency on Baker Street. So what's an actual plan?

MADGE

Ok, what is your problem with me? You wanted my input, I gave you input, doesn’t mean you have to take it, but if this was a flood or an approaching army or, or changing the name of England to “Farty Farty Pisstown” my first thought isn’t “just wait til they hear my prose!” 

LOTTIE

Interesting examples, since Lisbeth’s last letter to the Times inspired Parliament to reinforce the Denton Reservoir before the rainy season, saving roughly 200 homes and farms. 

LISBETH

It was nothing. 

LOTTIE

Lanolin’s writing of thank you cards on behalf of her husband, the Ambassador to France may have in fact saved us from an uprising due to our military’s poor reaction to losing an international game of Hearts last Christmas. 

LANOLIN

They’re really quite silly.

MARGERY

And I–!

LOTTIE

So actually, Madge, sometimes, when the main tool we have as public figures is to leverage our voices on behalf of others–and when the press don’t seem to find it as charming or delightful when we spew profanity over the front page of the Times–perhaps it’s important that we do, in fact, make a stand against a theatrical institution that is trying to take our voices back away by letting Edwin fucking Booth play Tamara again, as stupid as you clearly find that.

MADGE

Ok, well how was I supposed to know all of that. It’s not like I’ve been here for any of that!

LOTTIE

Exactly, Madge, and how is that our fault when the door has been open to you from the beginning! 

MADGE

Well, maybe I–maybe I was too busy, affecting change in my own way–you know, by solving crimes!

LOTTIE

And as glad as I am that the city of London remains safe from the clutches of minor insurance fraud, remind me, how is your first murder case going over at that atrocity of a theme park? Do you have any leads? I would love to hear about them. 

MARGERY

Well, to be fair, I heard they actually–

LOTTIE

Don’t help her, Margery, for fuck’s sake. 

MADGE

Ugh, she's the worst, right?

LOTTIE

I don’t know, that seems to be the only title you’re actually making an effort to claim. 

MADGE

Right, again, one last time are you sure you're not feeling this? 

LANOLIN

(raising her hand)

I'm personally starting to feel it. 

LOTTIE

Lanolin, not you too. 

MARGERY

I was only saying that Lucius Peppermint died. And her husband is actually- 

MADGE

(about to fight)

Oi, Margery, say it a little bit louder so the ladies in the back can hear exactly why I dropped your ass faster than I did your daughter!

Whoa! LOTTIE swiftly steps between them.

LOTTIE

Madge, I’m going to have to ask you to leave. 

MADGE

No come on, ay, I’m sorry. I’m sorry! - See, look I’m saying your favorite word now too! 

LOTTIE

You cannot insult or threaten a member of the group, it’s against Bylaw 8723-

MADGE

You’ve been insulting and vaguely threatening to her all night! And I only said that because she said that stupid shit about James.

LOTTIE

It’s Margery, she always says stupid shit. 

MADGE

You just did it again!

MARGERY

It’s fine, I do. 

LOTTIE/MADGE

Shut up, Margery!

MADGE

You know what, you think you’ve got this whole progressive, underground web of bullshit pulling other bullshit, which you think puts you above everyone, but newsflash, you're just some mean lady. Some incredibly mean lady that likes to be in charge of some bullshit club and–be mean–cuz maybe if you can yell at these broads about how much better periwinkle is than lavender, you won’t feel alone when your joke of a husband curls up facing away from you at night. 

A beat of deeply awkward silence. 

LOTTIE

That may be true, Madge, but tell me: do you even know my name? 

Beat. Checkmate.  

MADGE

Based on recent popularity trends there’s a 75% chance that it’s… Madge?

LOTTIE

Goodnight. Watch for small children on your way out. 

LOTTIE opens the door. 

WHOOSH. 

INT. 224B Interior.

FAWX & WEATHERBY bouncing ideas off of each other. They are buzzing and laughing. 

FAWX

Well well well, Ms. Weatherby, it looks like we’ve solved 50% of our first case, murder or otherwise! Should we celebrate? It feels like celebrations are in order–do you do celebrations for murders?

WEATHERBY

That does sound nice–but don’t you think we should focus on the other 50%? The park opens tomorrow, and without Lucius we need a way to ensure no one thinks there are any murderers lurking around. 

FAWX

Right. Absolutely. Exactly. And James–we have to clear his name! I just got so caught up in everything–it’s a rush, really, and wow, do you know how fantastic it was to actually deduce, without someone commenting, or having a laugh on the side, or god forbid, riffing off an accidental pun? I mean, it’s been ages! 

WEATHERBY

Lucius always got distracted halfway through a job too. He could never see anything through to the end, always distracted by the side details, or meeting someone more interesting, or thinking something better was just around the corner, it’s so (makes the sound of pure frustration), you know? 

FAWX

I do know, Weatherby, I actually, literally do! If only people could stay committed to the thing they said they wanted to do–

FAWX/WEATHERBY

We would have done it years ago! Yes! 

FAWX and WEATHERBY share a moment of camaraderie. Are they really clicking right now? 

Hampton, can I ask you something crazy? 

FAWX

Oh. Sure. Ask away. Crazier the better. 

WEATHERBY

Do you want to… work with me? At the park. Once you’ve solved this, I mean. 

FAWX

You mean, as what, as a consultant or–?

WEATHERBY

As a partner. I mean, god knows I’ll need it. And think about it, we're so—alike already, it would be easy! Plus, Holmes is gone, and I’m not naive, I know nostalgia will only carry the park for so long, and after that? The people will need a new detective, a new hero, and when you solve this - because you will solve this - you’ll be the first person they look to. Think about it, Hampton. A young man in the shadow of a legend, working away patiently, helping people, selflessly, saving half the lost cats in the city–a little prickly, a little bad with the press, but hey, those are quirks. It’s a classic underdog tale. And what’s more, it’s true. That’s better than anything you can read in The Strand. 

FAWX

Well, James–

WEATHERBY

Will still be a partner in the business, absolutely. As long as he didn’t kill Lucius. 

FAWX

He didn’t kill Lucius - And…Madge?

WEATHERBY

Hampton. She doesn’t want it. This way… everyone gets what they want. 

FAWX

So it would just be…me? 

WEATHERBY

I just… sorry if I’m speaking out of turn, I was just assuming based on your little improvised speech at the park opening. I wasn’t sure then, but I think you’re right: Holmes doesn’t need Watson. He needed someone to tell his story, someone to bounce ideas off of, make him more palatable, and sell him to the masses, But he was always good enough to solve the cases on his own. So are you. 

When he doesn’t respond, she continues: 

Or am I just way off?  

Beat. Finally: 

FAWX

No, you… you got it.  

WHOOSH. 

INT. Hard Rocks Cafe. DESMOND finishing his presentation. 

DESMOND

…And then… I woke up. 

The Audience politely applauds. 

RAKE

(He’s seen this 100 times with this guy)

Desmond. Dream Work. Again. How are we supposed to give feedback on your dreams?

DESMOND

I’m ready to receive any feedback my peers have for me. I swear. 

RAKE

Alright. I want to trust you. Farnsworth.

FARNSWORTH

Sometimes volume got a bit too low. I was losing some of the words - 

DESMOND

Ok, but that’s what it was like in the dream - 

RAKE

Alright, Desmond. Desmond, everybody!

RAKE tries to start an applause to move on. They applaud politely.

Brave, brave work. Alright. Last but not least we are at our final performers of the night!

Everyone applauds raucously.

ARCHIE

Oh thank god.

STALLION

Fucking finally.

RAKE

Flexton, Mr. Cartwright, and Fitzwilliam!

Big, supportive applause. Some “You got this”-style encouragement from all around. 

HOLMES

Well, he did say - 

STALLION

Yes, we all remember what he said, we were just hoping he forgot. 

ARCHIE

He surely couldn’t mean all three of us, I’ve never acted a day in my life.

STALLION

What from tonight makes you think that’s a bar you have to clear? 

HOLMES

(To STALLION and ARCHIE)

Honest question: If I ask if they have a violin, is that giving the whole game away?

STALLION

(gritted teeth)

What do you think, Fitzwilliam? 

RAKE

So Flexton, What’ve you three got for us?

WHOOSH. 

INT. The General’s Bodice. A bit later, around midnight. . 

MADGE sits at the bar, SARAH Fletchley approaches. 

SARAH

Madge Stallion. To what do I owe the honor? Can I get you a–

MADGE

Can I ask you something? 

SARAH

Oh. Uh, sure, but I do have a sliding tip scale depending on how personal–

MADGE

Why did I fuck things up with us? 

Beat. 

SARAH

Oh. One of those kinda nights, eh? 

MADGE

Jesus, sorry, that was super fucking weird–genuinely, I don’t know why I – !

SARAH

Madge, calm down. First of all, you didn’t. And…

SARAH considers moving on and making her a drink, but fuck it. 

Look. As your bartender, feel free to tell me to piss off if I’m crossing the line, but is it possible…maybe, with the case and every–do you think you might want to be asking Hampton about this instead? 

MADGE

Yeah, he’s probably fucked off and solved it by–

SARAH

Well, he must have moved fast because he’s standing right there. At the end of the bar. Making direct eye contact. Tryin’ to order a drink using some sort of sign language, code thing–I’ve told you a thousand times, Hampton Fawx, I don’t know what that fuckin’ means–oh, wait, that’s a gimlet. Fuck me, I’ve gotta take a break. 

FAWX approaches MADGE, cautiously, from the end of the bar. 

FAWX

Hello. Can we talk? 

Whoosh back to:

INT. Hard Rocks Cafe. STALLION, ARCHIE, and HOLMES are “up on the stage” performing a terrible improv that’s impressing no one.

STALLION

(as WATSON)

“Well, you did it, Sherlock Holmes, you solved the mystery of… the mill. Now, I’ll scribe the leaflette of the century about your exploits. What do you think of that, eh?”

ARCHIE

(as HOLMES)

“Um….sounds good.” 

Awkward beat. Is that it? HOLMES comes in for the save: 

HOLMES

(as LESTRADE)

“Oh no ya don’t! As Inspector Lestrade it’s my job to bust up this fun and revelry, and sit in awe of how you solved such a deceptively simple and child-like crime. So Holmes, how’d you do it?”

Beat.

ARCHIE

“So simply. So simply, that anyone could explain it. Dr. Watson, why don’t you do that?”

STALLION

(starting to get pretty annoyed) 

“Oh no, I think you’ve got it from here. No need to be shy in front of the police.”

ARCHIE

“Aha, but alas, I have a stomach ache, so I can’t!” Classic me

STALLION

(officially annoyed)

“Luckily I have snacks, and ya have to, you’re bloody Sherlock Holmes - ” !

RAKE

Hold! Hold. Good, good. Now, normally I never stop a presentation, we all know the vulnerable space you’re in but… hmmm, how do I say this… I can see you talking, but I’m not feeling you communicating. Does that make sense?

ARCHIE/STALLION

Sure. 

HOLMES

Any notes for me?

RAKE 

I liked the vocal choice, very bold. 

HOLMES

(pleased with himself)

Ta. 

RAKE

Why don’t you just give it another go and… here, let’s try something. One moment - 

RAKE gets up and goes to ARCHIE to whisper in his ear.

STALLION

What is that? What are you whispering to him? You know, Rake, it’s not fair to share secrets with only one scene partner.

RAKE

… you understand, Mr. Cartwright?

ARCHIE

Sure. 

RAKE

Alright. Great! And Fitzwilliam, you’ll decide when to end the scene–when you feel we’ve arrived at a moment of truth, your line is: “you solved it, Holmes.” Whenever it feels right. Alright Flexton, feel free to really explore the space, psychologically-speaking. 

STALLION

Will do, once you tell me what you told - 

RAKE

Ah, ah, it was just an adjustment. And… curtain.

Beat.

STALLION

Alright, fine. I guess I’ll just uh… 

Clears his throat and begins, as “Watson”:

Congratulations, Holmes. You did it. You solved the case. Ain’t you proud?

Silence.

No one could’ve done it without you, you know. So why don’t you tell us how you did it.

Silence.

Could I get something, Holmes? Any contribution? 

Silence. 

No? Well, Lestrade! 

HOLMES

“Yes!”

STALLION

“Did you know, Holmes did it! He solved the case! How great is that?”

HOLMES

“Well, personally, I don’t think it’s great. The more cases you solve, the more incompetent I look!” 

STALLION

Well, Ya didn’t need our help with that, eh, Holmes? Holmes? 

Silence.

Oh Christ, what is it? Why are you giving me this cold shoulder?

Silence.

You did it! Be Happy! You’re the greatest detect…orial mind in the city, and that’s good enough for you, eh?

Silence.

Ok, you know, you may think it’s all mysterious and sexy and “humble” to not be pleased at a personal victory, but it just makes you come off a bit childish.

Silence. Fuck it, he figures he’ll just do it himself: 

Alright, extremely childish! I am - everyone is - in awe of you. Of your skills, of your talent, and when you don’t acknowledge me - us - when you don’t acknowledge how the rest of us are all pulling for you, are all supporting you, are - sometimes - helping to create the circumstances for you to thrive, the circumstances that you yourself vocalized that you wanted, it doesn’t make you a troubled genius, it makes you a little bit of a twat!

Silence. He hears how that sounded. 

Ok, sure, I admit, maybe this situation was my idea all along. Maybe you didn’t want people watching you… “solve mysteries,” maybe you liked it better when you were “solving mysteries” at home, in our own kitchen, part-time, to get over quitting–

He realizes the metaphor falls apart because ARCHIE did in fact solve mysteries before. 

—the other thing you did before solving mysteries! And ok, maybe you never wanted anyone to see you doing it, but I did! I wanted to share you with everyone, everything that you’re capable of, because - honestly, you want to get into it, honestly - because I knew you would never do it for yourself, ever! 

Beat. 

I mean God! Do you know how frustrating it is to love someone who doesn’t love themselves the way you love them? It’s like being told you're an idiot for breathing air. Well, as it turns out, if I stop breathing, I’ll die, and if I stop supporting you, I’ll… not physically die but, ok, maybe this metaphor got away from me, but it doesn’t change the fact that actually, actually, I’m just… I’m just trying to make you happy. Trying to… help you be the version of yourself I thought you wanted to be, and every time I just end up feeling like the bloody bad guy. And I’m just trying to find a world where you can succeed, and I can succeed, and it doesn’t have to be at the cost of the other’s bloody sanity, and I just want to do it right. So can you please, please just tell me the answer so I can do it right? 

Silence. Finally, honestly:

ARCHIE

I…I don’t know. I don’t think I have it. 

STALLION

(a relief)

….Oh. 

Beat. 

ARCHIE

I… I think what would be best right now - for both of us - is just - 

STALLION

(pulling him in for a hug)

Yes, bring it fucking in. 

They hug. It’s weighted but hopeful. 

RAKE

And… Scene. Wow, gents. Really beautiful stuff. Now take note, my friends, that is the power of improv!

The other actors applaud. 

Oh, Fitzwilliam! I’m so sorry, I didn’t give you the chance to say your line. Did that feel like a moment of truth to you?

HOLMES, profoundly shaken, remembers his line far too late.  

HOLMES

Yeah, you, uh…you solved it. 

RAKE

Alright, so… anyone have feedback? 

 Whoosh. 

EXT. The General’s Bodice. Roof. A few minutes later. 

MADGE

How’d you know I’d be here? 

FAWX

At the General’s Bodice or on the roof? Because I followed you up here. 

MADGE

Hampton.

FAWX

I know you. When you’re upset you like to revisit past mistakes -

MADGE

Eyy - 

FAWX

Or what you view as past mistakes. I would never, Sarah is - nevermind, I also know that when you’re upset you tend to like to drink. This has both. 

MADGE

Maybe you should be the star detective. 

FAWX

Ha, already turned that down once today, thanks.

MADGE

What? 

FAWX

Oh, right. I forgot you weren’t there. Is it just me or has this night been going on for like… ever?

MADGE

It’s been a lot.

FAWX

Weatherby, from the park, came over with a clue after you left. Offered to make me the “sole” in Con-sole-ting Detective. Run press, make me a star, solo act, a truly once in a lifetime offer. 

MADGE

And you– 

FAWX

Said no. 

MADGE

You, Hampton Fawx? Frowny guy, about yea tall? 

FAWX

Blue coat, orange cat, 224B Baker Street, the very same. 

A beat. Then, after a moment, MADGE shoves him with no warning. 

MADGE

Are you out of your fucking mind?!?! 

FAWX

Agh! Jesus, why would you shove me? 

MADGE

I wanted to see if you were some sort of ghost before I really started yelling at you! 

FAWX

I’m real, and we’re on a ROOF, so watch it with the shoves! 

MADGE

Yeah, well, you shove people when they’re being thick knobs about to blow up their whole future! 

FAWX

I’m blowing up our whole future? I don’t think I’m the one who ran away to a bar when they found out their best friend is wanted for murder! 

MADGE

Exactly! You wouldn’t do that, I would, hence this whole situation! Why would you say no? 

FAWX

Because—you! Me! James–us! 

MADGE

Us? Hampton, I’m done! It’s, it, look, I just keep pissing people off and, and pushing children and - !

FAWX

Alright, you–you had a setback, you pushed one children, and now you’re spiraling, and I’m sympathetic to that, but–

MADGE

I’m not, is the thing–I’m actually seeing this remarkably clearly! I can’t handle pressure, I can’t handle the spotlight, I’m no good at being what anyone needs me to be, I’m letting you down, and James down, and—and baby Madge down–I mean that baby can’t even walk and she knows I’m a fraud! May as well shove her too. 

FAWX

Why didn’t you just tell me?! 

MADGE

Because this is everything you’ve ever wanted! You really wanna hear me complain about how it makes me wish I was  scrubbing my eyes out with Ambrosius’s sandpaper tongue? 

Beat. He doesn’t have an answer. 

Yeah, I thought not. So look, we should just stop now, while you still have the chance to clean up my mess and save James. 

FAWX

But I–I don’t want us to stop now. 

MADGE

You should! Look, I’m always taking the piss out of you, or encouraging James or, like—day drinking or flirting with clients or having a fucking breakdown, when you–all you wanted to do was solve mysteries, for fuck’s sake, so just–do that! Do it, please, Hampton. Just do it, because I can’t, I really can’t. You wanted this and I’m the one that got it and I’m fucking it up, so it should be you.

FAWX

But it’s not. 

MADGE

But it should be!  

FAWX

But it’s not. 

Beat. 

And that’s ok. Well, not ok. But…ok. I guess. 

Beat. 

Do you want to? Stop? 

A moment of hesitation that FAWX clocks. 

MADGE

I—it doesn’t matter, Hampton. You saw what this did to them. It’s just gonna happen to us too, so the best thing to do, the smart thing to do, is just stop before it can. 

She lets herself wallow in feeling sorry for herself for a moment. Then, out of absolutely nowhere, FAWX shoves her.  

Ow! Jesus! That was my bloody tit, Hampton. 

FAWX

Good! I’m making a point! 

MADGE

About my tit?!

He shoves her again!

FAWX

No, about you!

MADGE

Well you’re about to make it off the fucking roof! 

She shoves him back!

FAWX

Well, this is what you did for me, so I’m doing it back!

MADGE

Well you’re doing it wrong!

FAWX

You’re doing it wrong!

He shoves her again!

MADGE

What does that even mean?!

FAWX

Do you want this? 

MADGE

Wha–I just said I– 

FAWX

Do you want it? 

MADGE

I shouldn’t–

FAWX

Do you want it, Madge?

MADGE

Of course I do! 

FAWX

Great! Then stop being a thick knob and do something about it! 

MADGE

“Thick knob,” there’s something there–

But FAWX is on a tear, actually, and he has no intention of stopping. 

FAWX

STOP! Stop, you always do this! Not taking anything seriously, not actually trying—

MADGE

Yes, that’s what I literally just said. 

FAWX

But you try for other people, you try for Sarah and her mum, you try for–for James and me! But never for you, not when you want it, and, and–and you know what, you’re a bloody hypocrite too–HA! All of a sudden it’s “We’re just like Holmes and Watson, boo hoo”–

MADGE

Sorry, is this supposed to be me? 

FAWX

–when two years ago it was, “Oh, well, you’ll never be Sherlock Holmes, Hampton, and fuck him, and fuck them, and who cares, his hats are stupid and he does recreational cocaine on weeknights, go on, help people, put your ego aside, waaa!”

MADGE

Do you think I’m baby Madge-?–

FAWX

And you were right is the stupidest thing of all! You were RIGHT! Now we’ve met him, not only met him, spent time with him, had him in our home and he’s just… a guy! And John Watson, also just a guy! And you know what, Madge, you know what–they’re pathetic, and miserable, and hiding it so badly! And I may be miserable too–when I’m winning, when I’m losing, maybe always, maybe that’s who I am–but one thing, the one thing that is actually different between us and them, is that when I’m miserable I can actually tell you! 

MADGE

Hampton, you don’t need me. 

FAWX

Of course not. No one needs anyone. I want you. And I will let you push me off this bloody roof before I let you run away from something you want, that you are good enough to have, just because you’re scared. So as you told me when I was being a thick, throbby, stupid little knob, let’s get off this roof and let’s solve this together. 

Whoosh. Back to the theatre.

RAKE

Alright, alright, settle, settle down my thespian-ic friends. Wow. What a night. What a night! Let’s give it up for all of you, eh? The Cabaret-ker Street Players!

Scattered applause.

ARCHIE

Oh, thank god, we can finally get out of here. 

HOLMES

Might want to be careful how we proceed, given the “wanted for murder” of it all. 

ARCHIE

I’m sorry the what of it all. 

STALLION

It’s a long story. 

HOLMES

He’s wanted for the murder of Lucius Peppermint. Not that long at all, actually -

RAKE

And what a showing from our first-timers, eh? It really is encouraging to see the depths that each and every one of you have, even if in person maybe you’re a bit of an oil lamp, inside: Hamlets, the lot of you. And now that the performance portion of the evening is done, it’s time to go over the order of events for the opening of the park tomorrow. 

ARCHIE

Ok, they’re talking business, I say we go now. 

STALLION

Agreed, after this next sentence, we politely thank them for the snacks and get the fuck out, yes?

Agreement among the three of them.  

RAKE

So my comrades, my castmates, my anarchistic ensemble… what do ya say we blow up a theme park? 

STALLION

…pardon? 

END CREDITS