EXT. 22Fun B Baker Park. The top of the Reichenbach Falls recreation. Around 2 or 3 in the morning. 

RAKE, STALLION, ARCHIE, FITZY and some other actors are headed in the direction of the Tunnel of Brotherly Love.

STALLION

–And look, I hear you, I do, but I just think we should explore other options!

RAKE

Just keep walking, mate.

STALLION

Fair point, but–Archie, a little help here?! 

HOLMES

(as FITZY)

Is it much longer? I have a medial shin thing that’s acting up. 

They reach the loading-area for the Tunnel of Brotherly Love. You can faintly hear the annoyingly catchy Theme Song of the ride, a heavily-looped, deeply anachronistic ballad about friendship. From the speaker in the loading zone: 

DARK RIDE WATSON (DENNIS)

Have you got a mystery? Then have I got the man for you. He’s just through The Tunnel… of Brotherly Love. 

STALLION

(veering in and out of the “Flexton Jones” character)

Alright, no. Rake. That’s it. I’m putting my foot down. I - we! - will not be taking part in this animalistic, anarchistic, antichristic act. I mean think of our job, man. We love it here!

RAKE

Sure, who wouldn’t love a place that schedules impromptu catering jobs with less than 24 hours notice and answers the murder of an employee by holding auditions? 

STALLION

Well… The Show Must Go On. Right? We’re theater folk, that’s our whole thing! 

ARCHIE

Well, he’s not wrong.

STALLION

Really? That’s your first contribution?

An owl screeches out of the mouth of the tunnel. 

Jesus! - What the fuck was that?!

RAKE sets down his bag. 

RAKE 

Alright. Here should be good. 

STALLION

Rake, I know, you’re upset. But we can’t do this. 

RAKE

Yeah, but ya see the thing is, we can. It’s actually quite shocking how easily we can.

ARCHIE

Now, Thomas. As your… former employer - because I see no scenario moving forward in which we keep a professional relationship - I want to apologize. If I ever put you in a position you were uncomfortable with, or demanded too much of you. I apologize. 

Soft beat.

RAKE

Mr. Cartwright, you got it all turned around. You were the good one. Let you in on a secret: I hate food service, and I mean like really hate it but…You? Nah, you, were great. Not to mention… crackin’ menu.

ARCHIE

Now, now, however that may be--wait, what was this now? You liked it?

RAKE

Oh yeah, we all do. McMurphy runs over the leftovers at the end of each shift. 

STALLION

(simultaneous)

That’s so much free food.

ARCHIE

(simultaneous)

That’s why we don’t have a stockpile. 

RAKE

So, yeah. Good? Grand. We’re all in this together, ey? Let’s… Heave ho.  

STALLION

Fine. I was really hoping I didn’t have to do this. I am not whom you think me to be. I am not gifted, ahead of his time, artistic maven Flexton Jones. Oh no. For I am in fact - 

RAKE

James Stallion. 

Beat.

STALLION

Beg pardon?

RAKE

You’re James Stallion, right? He’s James Stallion.

HOLMES

(as Fitzy)

Keen deduction, may I ask what gave it away?

STALLION

Um. Right. It…has been me the whole time. Just checking in with my employees, in a way that lets them just treat me just like one of the John’s. Flexton Jones is - 

RAKE

Yes, Mr. Stallion, I am intimately familiar with the concept of a Stage Name–we all are. 

ARCHIE

(deadpan)

No, you mean the puppet man’s legal name isn’t Farnsworth Truckle? 

RAKE

But that wasn’t what tipped me off. You see, the real Flexton Jones doesn’t have all that pomp and bullshit behind all this… other pomp and bullshit. With the real Flexton Jones you can tell all that is just masking a sad, curious little boy trying to get his homework in on time. 

STALLION

(To ARCHIE)

Oh god, is that how he’s been playing it? 

RAKE

I don’t know what you did to him, but whatever it is, is gonna have to wait. Now, here’s some dynamite, and no smoking until after the show.

ARCHIE

Look, I’m for what you have going on here–yay unions–but obviously we can’t let you blow up the park.

STALLION

Yes, what he said! Now you look here, Mr. Rake, if that even is your real name–

RAKE

I’ve just alluded that it isn’t.

STALLION

–I, James Stallion, the sole living owner of 22Fun B Baker Merriment Park and Memorial with the aid of - you guessed it - former police inspector Archibald Cartwright, and - 

HOLMES

And just a normal, up and coming Irish reporter–

RAKE

Tell that to those sloppy medial Rs in your dialect work, mate. 

HOLMES

(normal voice)

You sonofa–!

STALLION

(stepping between them)

All of us! Place you and the rest of your ensemble under arrest for intent to blow up a perfectly good themed amusement park and grieving center. Now Archie, you do that whole thing again so that it’s actually legal. 

RAKE

Unfortunately I had a feeling you’d say that. Desmond, Farnsworth.

DESMOND and FARNSWORTH splash up.

DESMOND/FARNSWORTH

What ho!

RAKE

The Rope. Now, I’m afraid I’m gonna have to ask you to climb into the log flume, gents. Back to back, there we are. It’s better for your spine than the floor. 

All three of them climb in, and the actors tie them together in one of the log flumes. The ride’s jingle is more prominent now. 

STALLION

Oh hooray, I get to die just how I always wanted: in a seated position. 

RAKE

Die? What? Oh! Oh god, no. Come on, mate. We’re anarchists, not murderers. No, this is a completely safe operation–no one will even be inside the park when it goes up. We detonate just the unpopulated sections while everyone’s still outside the gate, at the end of the welcome speech. We just have to keep you here for a bit cuz we can’t risk you jeopardizing the rest of the operation. You get it. 

STALLION

But that’s hours away! 

RAKE

Desmond, Farnsworth, they tied up tight? 

STALLION/ARCHIE

Rake!

DESMOND

Verily, they are 

RAKE

Alright that looks good. Ok, gents. Ready? Oh and don’t forget the door to the tunnel, you know how our bosses hate it when we leave the ride doors open between shifts. Lets in the owls. 

The door to the mouth of the tunnel creaks closed.

STALLION/ARCHIE

RAAAKKKKEEEE!!!!

CREDITS

EXT. A London street. Simultaneous. 

FAWX

So, Madge: are we ready?

MADGE

As I’m gonna be. But you knock. Cuz I’ll be honest: I did not expect the first face I’d see while I’m back on this case would be - 

The door opens and there stands IPHY, labcoat-ed and spectacled. 

IPHY

Me. 

 FAWX/MADGE

Iphy!

FAWX

And… what a sight you are for sore sight, ey, Iphy? How are you doing today? 

IPHY

You know, Mr. Fawx, I’d say my day started a bit yellow, maybe goldish urine, but now seeing you two? Blue and lilac goldish urine as far as the eye can see.

FAWX

Well… That’s great! I speak for the both of us when I say it’s very…Lilac Urine to see you too. May we come in?

IPHY

You never have to ask.

FAWX

I think I still will.

They head in. 

MADGE

Don’t worry, Iphy, I’m having a piss yellow day as well. 

The door shuts with an ominous boom. A light switch turns on. 

FAWX

Excellent, More light. Thank you.

MADGE

(making an effort)

You know, Iphy, I was giving that whole “favorite sense” question a whirl in the ol’ noggin today and I think I am officially gonna go with: Taste. 

Clearly thinks she’s nailed it. 

IPHY

Huh, really? That’s so funny, you just seem like such a classic sight gal. 

MADGE

Well, I am here to see a girl about a corpse, sooo…. 

IPHY

Didn’t you kick a child?

MADGE

No I didn’t - how do you know that? 

IPHY

What was it like?

MADGE

What was it… ok, well, first off, it wasn’t a kick, it was more like a… shove –an accidental shove, if you will. And it was horrifying. And Annoying cuz now I got everyone including you asking about it.

IPHY

Oh. That’s disappointing.

MADGE

One day I’ll get a handle on your likes and dislikes. 

FAWX

Iphy, I was wondering if you still had access to - 

IPHY

The corpse of Lucius Peppermint? I thought you’d never ask. Right this way. He’s in a lot better shape than I anticipated, for someone his age. 

MADGE/FAWX

Beg pardon?

IPHY

Lucius Peppermint. It’s not often we see someone his age with this much retained muscle.

FAWX

Can’t be that odd, can he? Unless middle age has more secrets than I was originally afraid of. 

IPHY

Well no, it wouldn’t be for someone who was actually middle aged, but judging from the autopsy that isn’t exactly the case. 

MADGE

What, are you saying you’re surprised someone like Lucius Peppermint lied about his age, I’d say that’s the most expected thing about this whole case. So what was he really? Mid-50s? A sturdy 60?

IPHY

87.

MADGE

(simultaneous)

Get the fuck out!

FAWX

(simultaneous)

Excuse me?!

IPHY

I know! His identification would put him at 48, but it’s all in the ears. The skin behind the ears, to be exact . This man is 87 if he’s a day. And that’s being generous.

FAWX

So he was lying about his age? Why?

MADGE

He was lying about how rich he was, I feel like age should’ve been a given. 

FAWX

Also, I’m sorry, his ears?

IPHY

First thing I learned in Coroner's School. You can tell alot about a person by their ears. Age, background, creed, allergies… loves. 

FAWX

Madge, why don’t you say something now.

MADGE

Right, So! Iphy - Was there anything else you were able to pick up from…the ears of Mr. Peppermint? Perhaps a cause of death?

IPHY

Hmm. Not yet. Only his age, that he used to be afraid of dogs but got over it after shock therapy,, a fairly common spearmint allergy - 

FAWX/MADGE

Ironic. 

IPHY

Are you not… Hmm… I really thought the age thing was gonna be huge for you but… I guess I was wrong. It’s fine, I’m fine.

She sits down dejectedly, FAWX and MADGE can sense they’re losing her.

 FAWX

Oh no, no, Iphy, it was a… wonderful reveal. 

MADGE

Truly. First rate. 

FAWX

So… so I guess that means he died from natural causes or…?

IPHY

Oh no, that was poison. 

FAWX

And there it is, yes? Poison! Just like Weatherby said. Madge, let’s –

FAWX is on the way out with MADGE when: 

IPHY

The same poison that killed your actor the other day, in fact, not that that’s really -    

They both freeze. 

 MADGE

Wait, hold on, hold on, hold on. Dennis was poisoned? That can’t be right, you said Dennis was killed by a blow to the head?

IPHY

No, I said the fall didn’t kill him, and that I would have to wait on a full tox panel. I was very specific about that, I don’t set unrealistic expectations. That’s not me. He was definitely killed by poison. More specifically, a combination of arsenic, strychnine, and trace amounts of mercury–which is smart, you want to keep your bases covered in case they’ve developed a resistance. I’ve been working on– 

MADGE

Where the fuck do people keep getting all this poison from, the bloody apothecary?!

IPHY

Wait so that’s what’s blowing your wigs off? Poison? Not how that old man looks so young? Mr. Fawx, I’m surprised at you.   

FAWX

Right. Hold on. If Lucius and Dennis died in the same manner, that means they may not have separate killers after all… 

MADGE

Just one, again. So exactly what we thought before, right? 

FAWX

Iphy, thank you so much! Afraid we’ve got to run - 

IPHY

Wait! Next time you have dead people questions, you’ll still come see me first, right? Not any handsome living-person doctors? 

FAWX

Well, I don’t know if they’ll be a next–

MADGE

Iphy. From here on out, you’re our girl.  

They move out the door with some speed.

Whoosh.

INT.The Tunnel of Brotherly Love. Later..  

Slow drip of water, STALLION sighs. The jingle continues. 

SONG

Take a journey with me across the sea

To a place with just two Bruvs

Where friendships flow like wine

From out of you and me

In the Tunnel of Brotherly Love…..

ARCHIE

(What?)

Hmm?

STALLION

(What?)

Hmm?

ARCHIE

(Ok. You ok?)

Hmm. Hmm?

STALLION

(Hmm? Oh! Uh uh.)

Hmm? Hm! Hmm-mmm.

Beat. HOLMES chuckles to himself. STALLION and ARCHIE sigh exasperatedly. 

HOLMES

And at 3 hours by my count we became nonverbal. Very good. You know, I do understand our situation is momentarily bleak, however I am surprised by the lack of discussion. Mr Cartwright, I don’t normally do this but if you have any questions for me or… I understand you to be a part of this Fawxian/Stall-ian unit… so. Anything you’d like to know to bring us all up to speed - within reason, within reason - I’ll answer.

ARCHIE

Oh. No thanks.

HOLMES

Really? Nothing at all, because -

ARCHIE

Mr. Holmes, right now the only solace I am getting is the silence. Thankfully one of you understands that. Now, please. 

STALLION

Love you.

A brief moment of quiet. 

SONG

In the Tunnel, yeah

In the Tunnel of Brotherly Love

HOLMES

Understood. Respected and understood. Silence is golden. 

Beat. The song loops to the beginning. For the 50th time: 

DARK RIDE WATSON

Gee Robinson, Holmes! You solved the Case!

HOLMES can’t help himself: 

HOLMES

So… So, what do we think of “Gee, Robinson”? As a concept. Is it a name? Is it an exclamation? 

STALLION

It was a catchphrase. We were trying something that would be original to the park. A John Watson trademark. We’d already made sashes.

HOLMES

So then he actually… said that? 

STALLION

No, definitely not. 

HOLMES

Thank god. Doesn’t even particularly make sense, does it?

STALLION

Right, I see where you went wrong. It wasn’t about making cents, it was about making pounds. Easy mistake. 

The door to the tunnel is pushed open.

WEATHERBY stands in the mouth of the tunnel. 

WEATHERBY

Oh my god, Mr. Stallion!

STALLION

(simultaneous)

Weatherby! Thank God!

ARCHIE

(simultaneous)

Oh my goodness, thank the lord!

STALLION

What are you doing here?

ARCHIE

Really, does that matter right now?

STALLION

I was curious. 

WEATHERBY

I always check the rides before we start the day. Mr Stallion, and who is this - Mr. Cartwright! And - 

HOLMES

Fitzy! The - 

WEATHERBY

The birthday boy, of course! Happy belated! What are you three doing here?

STALLION/ARCHIE

Rake! You have to stop them! Blow up the park!/The actors! They have a plan - they tied us up. 

They realize they’re talking over each other.

STALLION

Oh would - 

ARCHIE

No, no, did you want to take - 

STALLION

No that’s fine, I - 

HOLMES

Get on with - !

STALLION

Right! Weatherby, thank god you’re here. We are in grave danger. And I’m only just realizing now that I haven’t had anything to eat or drink since last night and I am… ohhh it feels like my 20s. You don’t happen to have anything to eat or drink on you, do you. Preferably something with bubbles or a light buttercream?

ARCHIE

James! 

STALLION

Thomas Rake and the rest of the actors are anarchists! They have dynamite planted all around the park - 

ARCHIE

They left us tied up here in the ride car to keep us from interfering with their plan! In case you were wondering why we’re here and tied up. 

STALLION

They’re planning on destroying the park just before it opens tonight!

WEATHERBY

I’m sorry they were… they wanted to… AGH!!!! Why. Can’t. You Trust. Actors?! 

STALLION

(simultaneous)

What?

ARCHIE

(simultaneous)

Beg pardon?

WEATHERBY

I don’t understand it! It’s like… We vetted them, right? We auditioned them - they applied! They sought out this opportunity, not the other way around, and now for… They think they can just ruin our opening night? 

STALLION

Yes, and… I appreciate that you care about… everything so much, Weatherby. But really it’s -

WEATHERBY

(just fully venting at this point)

You know what it is, Mr. Stallion, it’s jealousy. It’s jealousy over not being able to see their own dreams get realized. They can’t stand the fact that ours did. That this park got made! That what we did is real and it is beautiful, and it is going to be an unrivaled success and also provide a public space for joy and grieving! 

HOLMES

Right, and we’d love to help you preserve it in all of its ghoulish glory, but first if you wouldn’t mind? Rope. Deceptively difficult to cut without an implement. 

WEATHERBY

What other parts of the park were being targeted?

ARCHIE

A Sandal in Bohemia - 

STALLION

The Speckled Band Stand - 

HOLMES

The Boscombe Valley Creamery - 

STALLION

The Pound of the Baskervilles Butcher Shop -

ARCHIE

The Pound of the Baskervilles Pet Adoption Center - 

HOLMES

And the Pound of the Baskervilles Mobile Banking Station. 

WEATHERBY

All the best spots. I should have known. Well, don’t worry, Mr. Stallion, they’re not going to get away with this!

WEATHERBY heads toward the exit.

STALLION

Wait, wait wait wait, where are you going?

WEATHERBY

To save the park, of course!

STALLION

Right, but can we get untied first?

WEATHERBY

No time to waste, Mr. Stallion! It’s like Lucius always said: “If you’ve got time to lean, you’ve got time to stop an anarchist plot against your future!”

SONG

In the Tunnel, yeah

In the Tunnel, yeah

STALLION

Right, he was always throwing out chestnuts. But what we want right now is–

She takes a deep breath, steeling herself at the door. She’s clearly in her own world. 

WEATHERBY

For Lucius. 

To them: 

For Lucius!

She kicks open the door. 

STALLION

Could you at least turn off the–!

The door slams closed. The song keeps playing. It feels louder, like an extra “fuck you” from the universe:

SONG

In the Tunnel, yeah

In the Tunnel, yeah

In the Tunnel of Brotherly Love

Whoosh

INT. The Park, Administrative Offices. Same time. FAWX and MADGE walk quietly along the hallway leading to LUCIUS’s office. 

FAWX

Almost there, Weatherby comma Elizabeth, now–oh! Here we are! Peppermint comma Lucius. 

MADGE

Ok, so a few questions, one, why are you saying “comma" out loud, And two, why are we breaking into Lucius’s office again? Didn’t you say your new trial partner already gave it a look over? 

FAWX

Yes, but. She was conducting the search with a mistaken understanding of the situation–namely, that Lucius and Dennis were killed in two different manners. We now know that isn’t true. 

FAWX opens the door to the office, gestures her in.  

After you. And more importantly: she isn’t my partner. You are. And as such, We need a firsthand look at any secondhand remaining evidence. 

MADGE

Right, and thank you for that, but if Lucius really did burn all the evidence, how much are we really going to find in -? 

Before FAWX can close the door fully behind them, they hear a noise from down the corridor. FAWX goes to look. 

What was that?

FAWX

We should be the only ones here, it’s hours until the opening ceremony, who could–Oh, it’s alright, it’s the actors! Hello th–

With no warning, MADGE slaps a hand over his mouth and pulls him back into the room. 

MADGE

(whispering)

Shhh! They’re whispering. 

FAWX

(whispered and muffled behind the hand)

So are we. 

MADGE

Yeah, but we have reason to whisper. We’re being sneaky. They’re at work. What do they got to to be sneaky about at work? 

From the hallway, the sound of FARNSWORTH and DESMOND talking, we hear “shame about that James Stallion, though.”

MADGE/FAWX 

James!

FAWX

He blew his cover already?!

MADGE

I mean, are we really surprised? Archie asked him to do a Scottish accent in bed once and he cried. 

FAWX

How do you even know that? 

MADGE

Your friendship with James is different from my friendship with James. 

DESMOND
(at a distance, slowly moving closer)

And all I’m saying is I’m still not a hundred percent sold on the dynamite of it all. Cuz I’ve got a cousin in fireworks -

FARNSWORTH

You’ve said.

DESMOND

Right, and I’ve said because the spectacle factor is unmatched. 

FAWX

Uh….

MADGE

Fuckin’ plot twist. 

DESMOND

It’s like why just make a statement, when you could also put on a show? Know what I mean?

FARNSWORTH

You’ve said. 

FAWX

No, Desmond? But he was opposed to his Watson even having a cane!   

MADGE

Well he seems fine with unnecessary props now. So, what do we do? They’re heading right for us, they’re gonna see us, what do we say?  

FAWX

I’ve got it! Quick Madge, punch me. 

MADGE

Hampton, please don’t tell me you’re developing kinks now.

FAWX

No, come on, they’ll think we’re—fighting or something! 

MADGE

That makes no sense, what if they want to break up the fight?

FAWX

Uh, uh, uh–OH! What if we kissed? 

MADGE

What? Why?

FAWX

No way they’d want to get in the middle of that, I’d want to leave. 

Beat. He’s right. 

MADGE

Damn, can’t argue with that.

Beat. Are we going to do this? 

There’s the sound of the actors fiddling with the lock. 

MADGE

Should we just - 

FAWX

Hide?

MADGE

Yeah.

. 

FAWX

Probably should have thought of that first, right?

MADGE

Hey, we threw ourselves into it with curious enthusiasm and that’s all you can ask. Shall we? 

With a scramble, they each run to hide. MADGE behind the coat rack. We hear a coal hiss as FAWX climbs over them and up the fireplace.

FAWX

Ahh!

MADGE

Shh!

FAWX

(muffled)

Ahh…!

Focus with FARNSWORTH and DESMOND.

FARNSWORTH

Ok, so we got all the north quadrant of the park, yeah? The tunnel, the - 

DESMOND

Check, check, check, yeah, we got all of em. Whoa! check it out…knew Peppermint would shell out for a fireplace 

FARNSWORTH

Told you.

DESMOND

Didn’t the boss say something about setting them off in the fireplace to make it look less conspicuous or am I making that up, too?

FARNSWORTH

Desmond. My beautiful moron. I didn’t think it was possible for you to second guess yourself more than you do when you’re in character.

DESMOND

Thank you. 

FARNSWORTH

Ugh. Not a compliment. 

DESMOND

So we’ll just nestle them right here in the - ah!

FARNSWORTH

What?

DESMOND

Damn coals! Still hot. Nearly burned off my acting hand, I did. 

FARNSWORTH

You only use one hand when you’re acting?

DESMOND

Never needed the other. 

FARNSWORTH

Conservation of energy. I see you, partner. But you can’t set dynamite in a fireplace when the coals are still hot, what if it gets lit when someone goes to make a fire or a gusty wind reignites the coals? Then the whole line of explosions happens out of order, or we endanger innocent civilians and rescue dogs, and the boss is pissed and goes on another week of ignoring you and claiming it’s for “vocal rest”. 

DESMOND

I don’t think I could take that level of neglect from someone I respect again. 

FARNSWORTH

Remember what he always says: Be specific about your choice, but don’t be afraid to pivot for the good of the ensemble. 

DESMOND

You’re right, you’re right. The good of the ensemble. Ya know it really is amazing how many concepts we use in art that are applicable in other areas of life as well, innit? 

The door closes. They are alone again. MADGE ducks her head out. 

MADGE

Hampton? Hampton, where are ya? 

A THUD as FAWX falls into the fireplace from the chimney. 

FAWX

Ow, my arse! I did not expect those coals to be hot. 

MADGE

Jesus, you were in the fireplace? How did they not see you? 

FAWX

I climbed up and sort of–braced myself on the inside. 

MADGE

They were gonna put a bomb up there!

FAWX

I know! But! I actually realized something while I was up there!

MADGE

That you haven’t invested in your lower body the way you should? 

FAWX

Well, my legs do feel like noodles, yes, AND. I realized something else–something they said, just now, about the acting company, and it made me remember. 

RAKE

The handwriting? Yeah, total shit, it was perfect. We all try to go for authenticity here when we’re in a work space, right down to the handwriting–see, doctor’s scrawl. 

FAWX

The note, the one I only got a brief look at from Wiggins–I knew there was something strange, and I thought it was the—the paper, or the words, but it wasn’t. It was the handwriting. 

MADGE

Well yeah, because it was Dennis’s handwriting–

FAWX

Right… right only it wasn’t. It wasn’t. Because Dennis didn’t write like that, Dennis didn’t even write like Dennis–Dennis wrote like Watson–doctor’s scrawl, barely even legible. But the note, the blackmail note…it was in cursive. Now. Who else do we know that writes in cursive?

A beat, and then MADGE realizes. 

MADGE

Oh. So the person writing the threats wasn’t Dennis after all– 

FAWX

–it was Holmes. The park’s Holmes. Specifically the one who’s about to burn this place to the ground. 

FAWX/MADGE

Thomas Rake.

FAWX

But why? Rake loved to act. Why wouldn’t he be happy working at a theme park…?

MADGE

Oi, hold on. Look at this.

MADGE shuffles around the papers on the desk, one has caught her attention

Right there, that’s—the file for Dennis Brattleboro, right?

FAWX

So it would seem.

MADGE

The same file for Dennis Brattleboro that Lucius burned?

FAWX

Yes the same file that Lucius -no, but I saw what was left of it with my own eyes. Why would he burn his record if he still had a copy? 

MADGE

Doesn’t make sense, right? James said they barely had single copies of employment records. Wasn’t that the whole reason they couldn’t find Dennis’s? Un–

Lightbulb. 

Unless…

She looks at the paper again. Sees something new this time. 

Hampton. I think I get it now. 

INT. Tunnel of Brotherly Love: 

So late it’s become very early morning. The song is still going. We randomly get interjections of cheesy, poorly-acted sections of text from the Holmes stories. The silence and consequent self-reflection is bad for HOLMES. 

SONG

In the Tunnel, yeah

In the Tunnel, yeah

In the Tunnel of Brotherly Love….

HOLMES

I’m such an idiot. 

Beat.

This is usually when one of you would correct me, say “no, you’re the smartest man I’ve ever met, you’re not an idiot–”

STALLION

(simultaneous)

Um…

ARCHIE

(simultaneous)

I’m good. 

HOLMES

Right, well, I suppose the person saying that may have been…biased. 

ARCHIE

Oh, is that what we’re calling it now? 

STALLION

Archie…

DARK RIDE HOLMES

Couldn’t have done it without you, Watson. You’re my best friend!  

HOLMES

Oh, shut up, you thick knob!!!!! 

ARCHIE

Well, that’s a new one. 

STALLION

It’s my fault, I planted the idea there. 

ARCHIE

You “planted” a “thick knob”?

STALLION

Well, I’d have been happy to plant it somewhere else, but–

ARCHIE

James!

STALLION

I’m sorry, it’s the damned song! It's driving me up the wall. 

SONG

In the Tunnel, yeah

In the Tunnel, yeah

In the Tunnel of Brotherly Love

DARK RIDE WATSON

Gee Robinson, Homes! You solved the case!

You could see how this song/ride would drive someone to madness.  Super catchy though.

HOLMES

Do you know, a year ago, I came down with the flu, which turned into pneumonia, which turned into something called clinical exhaustion which I’ve found no real medical documentation of, by the way–

STALLION

(beyond over this shit)

Get to the point!!!!!

HOLMES

–Watson said, “Well, let’s go to the country for a bit! You can rest!” It worked. It worked! For all of two days. Then, on the morning of the third day, he made a joke about the “country being boring”–so I went out and found a local cold case to solve. We got into this horrible fight, horrible–he kept carrying on, saying, “You can’t keep doing this, for god’s sake. What are you going to do when you hit a wall one of these days?” And do you know what I said? 

ARCHIE

(simultaneous)

Look for a door? 

STALLION

(simultaneous)

Go fuck yourself? 

HOLMES

I said “I’ll push through”! God, I mean… what? I’ll push through what? A wall? Ha! What does that even mean! It’s a wall! 

Beat. 

Anyway, we came home early. I vomited for three days straight. 

ARCHIE

Well that’s one way to learn a lesson. 

SONG

In the Tunnel, yeah

In the Tunnel, yeah

In the Tunnel of Brotherly Love

HOLMES

No. Stupidest thing of all, I did it again four months later. 

STALLION

Why? 

DARK RIDE WATSON

Brilliant, Holmes!

HOLMES

…because he wrote about it. 

All of a sudden, a deep, underwater, mechanical thud like a gear starts moving. 

DARK RIDE WATSON

Welcome to Baker Street!

STALLION

What was that? 

The ride starts moving. 

ARCHIE

That would be the ride moving, it seems. 

STALLION

Well, that’s good, right? If the ride takes us to the bottom of the Falls, we’re more likely to find help!

HOLMES

Erm. 

STALLION

Erm what? Erm WHAT, Fitzy? 

HOLMES

Well, our safety belts don’t seem to be on, and we’re secured to each other, and not to the cart at all - see I can bounce up and down and we’re not restrained.

HOLMES is bouncing the three of them up and down.

STALLION

I can feel that, Fitzy!

HOLMES

So, given the trajectory of the drop off the falls at the end of the ride, I would expect the force of that along with the combined mass of our bodies to catapult us 20 or so meters into the air and that’s before the 200 meter plunge to the earth.

Beat. So that’s bad. 

ARCHIE

Ok, right, thank you for that, so what’s the plan?? 

HOLMES

Plan?  I don’t know what you mean. 

ARCHIE

What are you–so you can tell us all in great detail how we’re going to be trebuchet-ed to death, but you have no ideas on how to get us out alive?! 

HOLMES

I’m so sorry, remind me, at what point did I present this as “me on a good day”? 

ARCHIE

Ok. So how long until we’re over the falls?!

HOLMES

I don’t know, there doesn’t seem to be a particularly complicated narrative structure so I’d say around 4 minutes, give or take.

STALLION

2 minutes and 21 seconds.

ARCHIE/HOLMES

2 minutes?!

STALLION

And 21 seconds! It’s on theme! 

They sit with this in silence for a moment. The car is moving along the water, mechanically lurching closer to the falls. 

DARK RIDE WATSON

Holmes! Save me! 

ARCHIE

I hate the cafe.

STALLION

….I’m sorry?

ARCHIE

I do. I … If we’re this close to the end I just, I had to say it. I hate it. I’m sorry, I know you worked so hard on it and you love it, but I hate it. 

STALLION

But you got to control the menu. 

ARCHIE

Within the parameters of a pun.

STALLION

But in your spare time you can make anything you want!

ARCHIE

What spare time?

STALLION

But you love cooking!

ARCHIE

I hate cooking.

STALLION

What?!

ARCHIE

I hate it.

STALLION

Oh god. Did I make you hate cooking?

ARCHIE

No, James, you didn’t make me hate cooking, I never liked cooking. I liked baking. I love baking. At home, in a small, manageable place where I can work normal hours with reasonable expectations.

STALLION

Well… Why didn’t you say anything earlier? I’ve been running myself ragged, working multiple 8 hour shifts so you could have the cafe and its menu and–oh god. Now I - I made you hate cooking, and that’s what you wanted to do with your life. And I soured that. 

ARCHIE

Again, Baking’s what I’m talking about here. Cooking is something completely different. 

STALLION

I mean, is it?

ARCHIE

I know it seems that way but aside from the obvious similarities it couldn’t be more different - 

A huge jerk in the ride-

- although being this close to the drop, I can see how in the grand scheme of things they’re not actually that different. I don’t know what I want to do with what may well be the rest of my life, but I know it’s not that. 

STALLION

I’m so sorry, Archie. 

Slight beat. The falls are approaching faster. 

ARCHIE

I know. I love you, James Stallion.

SONG

In the Tunnel, yeah

STALLION

What? 

SONG

In the Tunnel, yeah

ARCHIE

I said, I love you, James Stallion.

SONG

In the Tunnel of Brotherly Love

STALLION

I just wanted to hear it again. I love you, Archie. And I’m sorry. 

ARCHIE

Oh god, I know that was a beautiful final note and it’s cliche to say but I would actually really like to be rescued right now!

It’s almost too late, but at the last second, in the distance: 

McMURPHY

YES CHEEEEEEF!

The ride stops with a giant mechanical heave! Even the music stops. A set of footsteps splashes up: 

STALLION

McMurphy?!

ARCHIE

McMurphy!!

McMURPHY

Hey Jim! It’s me, McMurphy–from the cafe!

STALLION

McMurphy! What the hell are you doing here?

ARCHIE

No, no, no, James, no. McMurphy, we’re so grateful you’ve come, please untie us. 

McMURPHY

‘Fraid I can’t do that, Cartwright…

ARCHIE

What?

STALLION

Oh god, not him too!

McMURPHY

Cuz I brought some folks that want to do that for you!

More footsteps out of the darkness.

JOEY

Evenin’ Cartwright -

ARCHIE

Joey!

LINETTE

Terribly drafty in here  -

ARCHIE

Linette!

SVEN

Not bad for cold storage - 

ARCHIE

Sven!

NIKITA

Good movement on this flume, nice jiggle. 

ARCHIE

Nikita!

CHAUNCY

Which leaves me for last, Tartar Sauce. 

ARCHIE

Chauncy Grace. You son of a bitch! 

CHAUNCY

There you are, two snips and tug and you three are more free than a pair of teenagers on a carousel. 

STALLION

I - thank you, but… I’m sorry Archie, perhaps you can help me, you know… all of these people?

ARCHIE

Yes. Yes I do. But McMurphy, how did you - 

McMURPHY

What, you think I was just born with all this natural chef-tagorical talent? Some of us got to learn it somewhere to keep up with the likes a you. So a few months ago I answered an ad for adult friends and cooking enthusiasts!

CHAUNCY

It’s always good to expand your palate.

ARCHIE

Splendid. Truly, deeply splendid. 

STALLION

It is, it is, and I am still confused. Truly, deeply confused, but for now–Archie. You’re fired. 

ARCHIE

What? 

STALLION

I’m so sorry, but you’re fired. I’d call security and have you escorted out, but, well, the clearest route to that appears to be off a cliff. 

ARCHIE

You can’t be serious, James—what about the cafe?

STALLION

To hell with the cafe. To hell with the park. 

ARCHIE

But you made it for me. 

STALLION

It doesn’t matter if you don’t want it. Fuck it. Let’s go home. 

Beat. ARCHIE is truly touched. 

ARCHIE

James. Thank you. 

STALLION

After we finish making sure no one blows it up, of course. 

ARCHIE

Oh, yes. 

STALLION

Because quite literally all of our money is tied up in this building, so we may need to sell the land at least--and god, there are so many innocent dogs in the Pound of the Baskervilles—

ARCHIE

Right. Well. We seem to have a bit of backup in that regard, don’t we? In fact, Joey, Linette - 

JOEY

Yup.

LINETTE

Oui.

ARCHIE

Clear those sticks of dynamite to the immediate left and right of the chamber.

JOEY

On it!

LINETTE

But of course. 

ARCHIE

Sven and Nikita - 

SVEN

Ja?

NIKITA

Present. 

ARCHIE

Seal off the north and south entrances, we’ve had a lot of vendors coming in and out today and we don’t want any more surprises in the evacuation process.

SVEN

Ja.

NIKITA

Heard. 

ARCHIE

Chauncy - 

CHAUNCY

Tartar Sauce.

ARCHIE

Let’s you, me, and McMurphy chat about wrangling these pups to safety, shall we? –

McMURPHY

Yes, chef, meaning yes! 

ARCHIE

Love the enthusiasm but you don’t need to do that. I’m not a chef anymore. 

McMURPHY

Oh! Then Yes, not-a-chef!

ARCHIE pulls CHAUNCY and McMURPHY aside to make a plan of attack–we stay with STALLION (and HOLMES, who has been watching this all)

HOLMES

It won’t work. 

STALLION

Jesus! Forgot you were there, sorry, were you just—

HOLMES

Observing, yes. He’ll regret it. So will you.

STALLION

Thanks for the advice, but I really don’t think I will.

HOLMES

You don’t understand. You–you seem to at least - have drive, you have ambition. If he stops, you’ll just keep going, and he’ll be left behind. The whole thing will fall apart. 

STALLION watches ARCHIE making plans across the room. He looks and sounds energized, relieved, happy. STALLION realizes he hasn’t seen that side of him for a long time. 

STALLION

Honestly, I think he’s been somewhere ahead of me for awhile now. It’ll be nice to get the chance to catch up. 

Beat. HOLMES doesn’t let himself think about what that makes him feel, pushes it down. James clocks it. 

HOLMES

Right. Well. How can I –

STALLION

You know you can stop, too, right? 

HOLMES

Ah, no. It’s different for me. 

STALLION

It’s really not. 

HOLMES

It’s different for…us. 

STALLION

Are you sure? 

Beat. HOLMES thinks about it. Only a little. Stops himself again. 

HOLMES

It’s too late. I think that particular story has already been written.

STALLION

Right. Yeah. 

And has it occurred to you, maybe, that you just haven’t been reading it right? 

All at once, HOLMES lets himself think about it, and off of:

DARK RIDE WATSON

Stay back, Holmes!

Hand me that magnifying glass, Holmes! 

Gee Robinson!

Fiddle me timbers, Holmes–play that–

Suddenly we’re in his mind, as it must be when things are clear, when things come together, because halfway through the line DENNIS’s voice becomes: 

WATSON

(reading his own writing over the years)

–playing in quick succession a whole series of my favorite airs. 

We sat for an hour over a bottle of claret while he told me anecdote after anecdote.

He would talk of nothing but art, of which he had the crudest ideas. 

Another and another start to come, from all directions. The music is the same it’s been the whole episode but there’s no cheesy filter, just the chords, and the chords are simple and sweet. 

WATSON

I was seized with a keen desire to see Holmes again.

We had a pleasant little meal together, during which Holmes would talk about nothing but violins.

And another, and another, overlapping, almost overwhelming, from all around–sections of the stories WATSON wrote over 10 years that HOLMES never understood. That maybe he’s finally beginning to.  

WATSON

For two hours we rambled about together, in silence for the most part.

–being himself not only a very capable performer but a composer of no ordinary merit.

–at my request he has played me some of Mendelssohn's Lieder, and other favorites–

–to me, who knew his every mood and habit, his attitude and manner–

The reader may set me down as a hopeless busybody, when I confess how much this man stimulated my curiosity

I was annoyed at this criticism of a work which had been specially designed to please him.

–His manner was not effusive. It seldom was. 

–with his usual whimsical smile he greeted me back to what was my home.

—But he was glad, I think, to see me. 

–the best and the wisest man whom I have ever known.

Everything stops. One brief moment, suspended in the air before him. Holmes’s theme, their theme, on the piano. 

WATSON (2x06)

I think people should know. 

HOLMES (2x06)

My methods? 

WATSON (2x06)

You. They should know you. 

And for the first time in months, HOLMES solves it. 

We’re back with STALLION. 

STALLION

…because it doesn’t seem that different. Not from this side of the log flume. 

ARCHIE breaks from the group, heads back to them. McMURPHY and CHAUNCY leave.  

ARCHIE

Alright, I’ll take care of it–go team! Or, I don’t–that was silly. James, I’m sorry, I have to go. Now. 

STALLION

What, why? Where?  

ARCHIE

Well, it turns out McMurphy heard one of the actors arguing with his puppet about the plan for the “other targets.” We think they’re also targeting any locations that have significance in the stories–The Strand headquarters, Scotland Yard–

HOLMES

Baker Street. 

ARCHIE

Yes. Now, we think they’re probably all empty, everyone in town is heading this way for the park opening, but–

HOLMES

Watson won’t be.

ARCHIE

Well, he wasn’t at the press opening, so there’s a chance. You all can stay here, I’ll go over and make sure he–

HOLMES

I’ll do it! 

ARCHIE

Are you su–? 

He runs off at full speed. 

And he’s gone. Wow, speedy little bugger when he wants to be.  

STALLION

Oh god, Archie, how much dynamite do you think they have? 

ARCHIE

No idea, but look–

STALLION

Do you think it’ll take out the whole street? Will it reach 224? Or Unit B? 

ARCHIE

If I could–

STALLION

God, I knew we should have held off on having the windows replaced, the style had already started to change to next season! It had already started to change!

ARCHIE

James! James! It’s fine. There isn’t any dynamite there, it’s all here at the park. 

STALLION

Oh thank god - wait–but–you just said.

ARCHIE

James. At a certain point the baby bird needs to get shoved, forcibly, out of the nest and…go…home–the metaphor doesn’t work, but. You’re clearly not the one he needs to sort this out with. So I just thought…what’s a little nudge, one small dynamite-related lie, ethically, in the grand scheme of things? 

A beat. STALLION is stunned. 

STALLION

That is… devious. 

ARCHIE

(not-so-secretly flattered) 

I have my moments…

STALLION

I mean, truly ingenious, Machiavellian even. How did I not know you had this in you? 

ARCHIE

Oh. Well. Got the job done, didn’t it? And, I know he wasn’t in the best state, but… he was really getting on my nerves. 

Beat. 

STALLION

I’m so sorry. 

ARCHIE

What? Why? 

STALLION

It’s just… I have to kiss you now. 

It’s clearly an offer. ARCHIE takes it, delighted. 

ARCHIE

Oh. Do you? 

STALLION

Yeah, I’m pretty sure it’s the law. 

ARCHIE

You know, I do think I remember that one from my patrolling days, you’re right—

Right as they’re about to kiss, McMUPHY re-enters:

McMURPHY

Wait, Chef, or Not Chef, I forgot–!

STALLION

And hello McMurphy! We were just…

STALLION

Discussing the menu.

ARCHIE

CPR training?

McMURPHY

Oh. That’s odd, I thought you were kissing. Did I massively misread this, because I’m usually proper good at gauging energies and tensions of the sexual and athletic variety. 

Beat. 

ARCHIE

You know what, fuck it, how long until the bombs go off again? 

McMURPHY

According to this drawing of a diagram that the gelatin lady 3-dimensionalized with jiggly molds earlier - seriously it was fucking mental -  they’re going off before Opening, so we’ve got about 43 minutes and some change.

ARCHIE

Good enough, McMurphy, could we get 10 minutes alone?

STALLION

Archie!

ARCHIE

On second thought, five.

STALLION

(“Who ARE you?”)

Wha–well–I don’t know about–Archie!

ARCHIE

It seems you’ve forgotten how much I can do in 5 minutes.  

STALLION

I know that, you know that, he doesn’t—

A look from ARCHIE. It’s a convincing look. 

Alright, 5 minutes.

McMURPHY

Yes, Not Chef! Or - yes Not Chefs. Congrats on your next 5 minutes, Cartwright and Jim Jam! 

McMURPHY leaves them alone. The stupid jingle starts playing again. 

STALLION

Is that going to be strange, do you think? 

ARCHIE

Because of how supportive he’ll be or because we’re still not sure exactly what he thinks is going on? 

STALLION

I was talking about the song, but very much all of that too.

ARCHIE

Oh, it’s going to be incredibly strange. Now, there are four minutes left, did you want to spend them discussing McMurphy some more? 

STALLION

No, Chef…

ARCHIE pulls STALLION in for a kiss, and the music swells. 

SONG

In the Tunnel, Yeah

In the Tunnel, Yeah

In the Tunnel of Brotherly Love

Gee Robinson, Holmes!

Whoosh to LUCIUS’s Office.

MADGE

Right, so. That’s good, but it’s only, what 50% of it? That’s not going to be enough to save James. And what about the dynamite?  

FAWX

They’ll be setting up the stage, practically everyone in London will be here. The Press, Scotland Yard, Mid-to-High Level City Officials.

MADGE

What do we do, then? Tell the police? Try to get everyone out? We’ve got–

FAWX

Twenty minutes. Well, at least we have a countdown. Thank god they didn’t put the dynamite in the fireplace, one of the embers could have set the whole thing up–

He stops. Suddenly. He just realized something, is still putting it together. 

MADGE

…Hampton? Oh, not again with the pause–I get it, it’s dramatic but we are on a time crunch here. 

FAWX

How long has Lucius been dead, Madge? 

MADGE

Well, it feels like it’s been about 5 years cuz of some major developments and evolutions of our characters, but literally? I dunno, 24 hours. 

FAWX

And if someone were to, say, light a fire with the intention of destroying incriminating documents right before he died, do you think the coals of that fire would still be hot a full day later? 

MADGE

No, probably not, unless someone else—

She pauses. Realizes the same thing he did. 

FAWX

Well. Looks like someone joined the Dramatic Pause of the Month Club after all. 

MADGE

Unless someone else had the keys to get in and lit the fire.

FAWX

Unless someone else destroyed the evidence. 

MADGE

Someone else who had reason to frame James or Lucius–

FAWX

–someone who’s been out of the spotlight for so long, they knew how to seize the chance to step into it at last… 

EXT. 22Fun, the front gates. Morning. A crowd, practically the entirety of London waiting for the chance to go in. 

WEATHERBY

Right this way! Right this way, friends! My name is Elizabeth Weatherby, and I am so delighted to welcome you to my park: 22Fun B Baker Merriment Park…and Memorial. 

CREDITS.